Bullshit relationships with friends

[The White Belt]

Sup people! First post here.

I'm a little stuck. I haven't been personal developing for very long.. But it is pretty intense. I'm working hard, studying and getting my shit and health together generally. My problem is that when I regroup with friends I feel a little lost lately.

They are always talking about trash reality TV, gossiping, insulting each other and seem to have free time they waste and to hear things like this is generally just frustrating to me. They are good people, but slightly.. asleep? Perhaps i'm being pretentious. Should I move away from them a little bit? Or is there a way to relax into their company and just drop everything just for a couple of hours a week. 

I have no off-switch!

 

Thanks.

[Dominic]

Me and you are completely identical apart from the fact my friends have an obsession with pot. I've changed my mindset from judging them and trying to change them to: if they want my advice and help, I'll give it to them. If it was hard for me to change myself, imagine how hard it will be changing someone else. 

My advice is do not lose friends because they are not like you, they do not know what you know and are not as openminded as you are. I read in a book once the mans mind is like a furnace and you can't keep throwing coal into it or it will burn out. It needs to cool down. See the time being with them as a break from all the deep intense self improvement - even if only for a few hours.

If you are lucky enough to find more friends with similar interest and open mindedness that would be a bonus.

 

[The White Belt]

Thanks for the reply. Dominic. I think you're right that it would be bad to discard them because they are not open minded. It's just hard to sit around talking bullshit petty things about celebrity crushes and what not. It can be all so surface level. I just wish I could meditation and motivation and things like that sometimes!

[plantbased passion]

I have to disagree with dominic. Eventually u WILL have to cut them off and find friends more on your frequency. I used to hang around people that trash talked and gossip all day long and guess what kept happening. I was drawn back into the madness and just lowering my vibe. I started eating crappy again, stopped meditating, started drinking more, and stopped taking care of myself. It wasn't until I decided to stop hanging out with them that I stayed on track in terms of physical, mental, and spiritual balance. I still check in with them from time to time ONLINE but I don't put myself in a draining atmosphere anymore.  It can be lonely at first but when u create space for new friendships, they will show up!

Edited February 7, 2016 by plantbased passion

[Sara]

Hi, 

I was in your shoes not too long ago.

This is definitely a tricky situation. As Dominic suggested, we must accept others as they are and love them for who they are. However, that also does not mean you deny your needs. Go out and find friends who are interested in the same interests as you - get involved in your own life. The people you choose to surround yourself with will play a role in your life and your growth. In the same vein, that does not mean you are not friends with the people you mentioned. You can still be there for them when they need you and you can still offer your friendship. Choosing to look else where for friendships that more satisfy your needs does not deny your present friendships.  Good luck!

[Dominic]

21 minutes ago, plantbased passion said:

I have to disagree with dominic. Eventually u WILL have to cut them off and find friends more on your frequency. I used to hang around people that trash talked and gossip all day long and guess what kept happening. I was drawn back into the madness and just lowering my vibe. I started eating crappy again, stopped meditating, started drinking more, and stopped taking care of myself. It wasn't until I decided to stop hanging out with them that I stayed on track in terms of physical, mental, and spiritual balance. I still check in with them from time to time ONLINE but I don't put myself in a draining atmosphere anymore.  It can be lonely at first but when u create space for new friendships, they will show up!

I guess I was being a bit biased as I have college friends and home friends. My college friends are motivated but my home friends aren't (I see them 4/5 months of the year). I can say they do demotivate me slightly when I'm home but I limit my time with them. Limit your time with them until you find new friends! (I just don't think people like hearing 'go find some new friends' so I found the middle ground) BUT remember you become like the 5 people you hang around with the most

 

Edited February 7, 2016 by Dominic

[The White Belt]

I don't feel like they are going to bring me down. I just feel desolate in the fact that I don't want to talk about petty things anymore. I just don't have the energy for it. It's a lonely feeling but I guess if I try to expand my friendship circle a little bit it may give me new insights while keeping some of my current friends around. Thanks all 

[Dhana Choko]

Friends or people around you that are connected to lower states of consciousness will affect your mind. However, you have to be aware that they also reflect to you a part of your own mind that you need to be accepting of. However, it does not mean that you don't benefit from gradually finding better friends that uplift you. I personally think that people should always surround themselves with people that they admire, cause as humans, we are socially animals and we will always pick up energies, tendencies and opinions from people around us. To think that anyone can be so above that it would not affect us, is just unwise in my opinion.  You can be with anyone, but  be aware that it does affect you and you are the one who needs to clean up the mess they leave behind them...  

[Rares]

@BeginnerActualizer , I had the same problem! They didn't understand me and start to tease and judge me. Not all of them, but most of them!

Then I start to build other social circles. With people which had the same values as me. In aprox 6 months I've build around new 3-4 social circles

If you are in a big city you have a lot of opportunities. Its likely to have: A Toastmasters club, ONGs (non governmental organizations), Books Clubs, Personal development clubs, etc. You can meet people with the same values as yours, get to know each others and do things together.

For example I started with some friends a Personal Development Book Club. We approach only personal development books. We analyze in a Socratic way and try to understand how can we apply what we lean to our lives

 

 

Your life is in stake. You must be a little shellfish here.

 

Edited February 9, 2016 by Rares

[Saarah]

This is what I've felt too

You just have to understand that they're not aware of a lot of the things you're aware of and you have to be non-judgemental about it.

They are as they are, and as you come across many people in life who seem asleep, you just got to see yourself as playing "the human game" or the
society one, whichever, lol

[Fantastic_Times]

I'll give my two cents. I recently (a few months) changed social circles. You have to understand that in order to successfully change social circles YOU yourself have to be in the same frequency as the people you're trying to attract (if they're not there yet) or get into (if they already exist then and there). What do I mean by "frequency". Well, I mean that you have similar ways of looking at reality and because of that you act in certain ways and get certain results. 

Having said that, the best way to get into a group that is "higher up" is to simply offer value. That is, offer something of value. Things like having a good sense of humour, being relaxed, being fun, offer to do things for others, offer input, etc are usually good things. Value leaching is the worst thing you can do. While you do this, start improving your life to the point  where the good attitudes of the group starts rubbing out on you and slowly you'll be just like them or better. 

On old friends: don't judge them and don't complain about their behaviour. They're really doing the best they can. I hang around some old friends here and there. One is getting married and is constantly complaining and trying to prove himself to others. I don't really care and since I don't judge them they feel at ease with me. IF your old friends are toxic then simply cut them off. Draw boundaries. I've done this before to someone who wouldn't respect me and after that they respected me and appreciated me as a person. It's hard to balance things out, it comes from experience. 

Either way, if you change your reality you'll slowly discover that different people start showing up in your life. This is not a coincidence. The key is consistency. Don't give up and best of all be happy being alone for a while. You're the best you'll ever have ;P

[Natalya]

@BeginnerActualizer

I think most of us here, if not all, have felt this way. That's why we're here, discussing more important issues than celebrity gossip. But that doesn't mean you should cut off your low-conscious friends altogether because you're human, and sometimes you need to engage in low-conscious behaviors to let yourself go. Or else life would become a boring routine. There're many articles saying that you need to have different types of friends to fulfill your different types of needs. The key is to place your friends into categories, downgrade some and upgrade others, based on your level of need. You don't have to spend every weekend with the same bunch. See them once in a while, explore other options, and eventually, you'll find yourself surrounded by those who you want to hang out with at this time particular time of your life. Once you keep growing - spiritually - your needs will keep changing, and so will people that surround you. It's perfectly fine.