I'm In Agony.

64 posts in this topic

On 3/18/2016 at 11:12 PM, shouldnt said:

Physical, mental, emotional, everything. My chiropractor did something to my neck and it hurts so much. It's an annoying, dull, constant pain and I don't want to take pills.

I lost a job two weeks ago that was half my fucking income and I had to ask my mom for help.. which is a nightmare because she criticizes me to death anyways now she comes over every day to patronize the hell out of me tell me what a fucking failure I am.

I basically have no real friends. I have no one who really cares about me. I am no one's favorite. I have literally never been so alone. I tell myself I'm fine & I don't need anyone. I chose to cut out a lot of people who were dragging me down & I sure don't regret it. I'm just so shit at making friends. I keep telling myself the right people will come along when I get my life together. But holy fuck it feels like that's a million years away, at least.

I started drinking again (last Saturday, I finished an entire bottle of champagne). I broke my sobriety streak, which was almost 200 days (I stopped counting) & have been drinking a bit almost everyday since. I had quit all by myself, with no support. I figured I got myself into it, I can get myself out. I have such an insanely hard time asking for help. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of trash on the planet.

I can't even see a therapist, in fact I can't stand them. Especially because I know that they are just getting paid to be there and couldn't give a fuck, really. I'm usually the advice giver but I can't be fucked to follow my own advice, most of the time.

I have been way too exhausted to work out. (I lost 5lbs tho, so at least my stomach is completely flat again) I have no inspiration for my art, writing, sewing, nothing. I thought I was over my depression. I swear, every time I make a good amount of progress, some shit has to happen to ruin everything. Some of these issues are not fucking new but jfc I was doing so well for a few months. 

The only person I can really talk to about heavy stuff is my roommate but I can't open up to him rn. Ok like, we have casual sex sometimes. We did it last night and it was over pretty quickly. He didn't even offer to get me off. Ok let's not get into that too much but he acts so nonchalant about it. I wanna punch his stupid grin right in. I don't care because his gf is a stupid bitch. I have no feelings for him (I've known him for like 7 yrs) & I say it's no big deal, so yeah I'm not the best "high moral" person. It's just that he is the only person I can talk to and when even he is oblivious and inconsiderate, what the fuck? 

But this is how pathetic I am. I am literally shaking, I'm in so much pain. I have no one who would even understand so I am posting this shit on here (sorry, I know this isn't a fucking blogging site). It just feels alright to vent a bit. I'm probably gonna regret this in the morning.

i had a friend i took care of for 22 years, she had been abandoned by her family, her friends, everyone, she lived in a world of pain few people ever know.  I carried her to 8 major hospitals, and most likely 150 doctors over a period of years, and to the emergency room about 20 times.  No one could help her, when she lost her ability to drive, i did everything for her for about 8 years, she became self abusive,  I knew enough to help her recover but she could hear no one, not even the one person who had saved her so many times, she would listen to nothing.  Her world was a world of darkness surrounded by demons and evil, she said, aliens were attacking her.  She had been under psychiatric care for 20 years, and that was a total waste.  She never told anyone the truth about what was going on with her, she knew more than the doctors, she had every disease you can think of according to her,  no one could tell her anything, she had a big problem schizophrenia at least two forms or more,  I was in contact with adult protective services for years, but they could do nothing against her will, as long as she was competent.  I remained her friend for all those 22 years moving her from place to place, buying her food, clothes for her, cleaning her apt. taking care of her dog, everything, including doing body work on her for a long time which did help some.  She had me take the dog home with me to take care of him, he was sick to, but he has recovered and doing ok.   In the end she got a uti, urinary tract infection and would not go to the doctor, i tried my best to get her to go, but no go, finally it affected her brain  and when she didnt answer the door or the phone i had to take a ladder and climb up on her deck to get in the upper door which was never locked, she was out of her head, couldnt get out of bed, so i called the rescue squad, those idiots were not sure that they could take her, there was a deputy sheriff there and after explaining some things to him he told her to get up out of bed she couldnt , he pulled the cover back for her to get up and she had wet the bed where she couldnt get up, so he said you are going to the hospital.  Today she is in a rehab, can't walk, wont ever walk again, her mind has cleared a lot but she still isnt right, no one can tell her anything, at this point she is very mad at me for saving her life, she had packed a bag and sit a pocketbook on top of it and told me  ( when i am in a coma take me to the hospital and take these bags with me, i told her the day you are in a coma it will be too late for you but you couldnt tell her anything.  I dont have enough space to write you all the details of this because it would take a book.  My friend was too attached to her pain body and it was destroying her, but at this point she couldnt even help that, many people become so attached to their pain body that it destroys their mind. 

Why am i saying this to you, because i can see that you need help, badly, and now.  Dont tell yourself that you dont and that you can handle it alone,  You need a good counselor one that can see and understand what is going on with you and can help you get the help you need, but you will have to tell them the whole truth and be willing to listen and work with those trying to help you.  Dont tell yourself that there is no one out there that can help you or no one that cares, it isnt true.  There are many good men and women out there that care about you and some right here on this site, but if i be completely honest with you, no one here can help you through this, you need hands on, face to face first with counselor who can look at you and listen to you and understand what is going on with you, and then get you any help you need, and you will have to trust that counselor to a large degree to get better so look around talk to people who have had problems like yours, find out who helped them, take a gamble and get some help now before things get beyond your control, and trust me things get beyond the persons ability to control, i have seen it in several cases.  I know this isnt something that you want to hear, i have been there several times before with people, i understand what you are going through and how you feel, i have worked with it.  Help yourself and get you a good counselor now and begin to get well, dont wait until you cant make that decision, because what comes after that isnt pretty.

I spent a year and a half with a young woman online, talking to her for about an hour every day, trying to get her to see her own self worth, she didnt want to live, it was very hard trying to help someone you had never met, never seen except in a picture, but i was careful with her and stayed with it and she began to get better, and at a point began to get a real life, she became a happy girl, changing her life.  It was a miracle that i could spent that amount of time with her and help her make it by doing it online, i would never do it again, because to help someone you need to look at them, in their face, and you have to have the ability to see them on every level, find that person now who can help you turn your life around, dont stop until you are on your way to a better life.

I care about you but you have to care enough for your own well being now to seek the help you need, do it while you can.


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