How does one go about truly understanding oneself and psychoanalysing oneself?

[lmfao]

Recently I had my last day of high school, and so my mind naturally became sentimental in thinking about the past. I want know what the best ways are to understand the unconscious motivations driving me. Skip to the end if you can't be bothered to read. Im gonna write a lot. 

Why I'm asking this question and a bit about me

I've realised that I understand very little about why my experiences happened the way they did, and I can't figure out what I was chasing after back then and what I'm chasing after now. Whilst the details of my memories aren't incredibly sharp in terms of precise mundane details, I have a very detailed and rich memory of important phases of my life during high school and the underlying emotions I felt at the time. 

Although I say that I understand very little about my past it's probably the case that I understand a lot about my experiences, it's just that I don't want to accept and confront the fact that I've always felt like an alien/outsider in my interactions with people. The feeling of being misunderstood and lonely, subtly yet strongly, permeates all of my experiences in school from when I was 4 years old to now when I am 17.

It might be worth noting that I'm an INTP who suffers from anxiety/depression, and I've got a parent was/is abusive to me (to only describe the relationship with the word "abusive" wouldn't accurately convey the nuanced situation however). This parent of mine is very paranoid and holds delusional suspicions (which are not targeted at me), and I have a strong history of mental illness from one of my parent's side of the family. I some autistic traits which I have inhereted from one of my parents, but I would probably be what you call "high functioning". 

My past experiences 

There is far too much I can say here, so my explanation will likely be cut short and incoherent since there's a lot in my mind (emotions, particular memories) which I can't articulate well. 

I'll talk a bit about my experiences, by first starting with primary school [ which I was in when aged 4-11 years old]. For a reason unbeknownst to me, I was a very shy kid by the time I was 4. Apparently I was very late to speak as a baby, which is maybe a consequence of autism. From the very start of primary school, I was mildly bullied and was socially excluded. Although I can't pinpoint a reason for this, I think this happened because of the fact I behaved strangely as a child. Although I behaved strangely, it was far from being malicious or violent.

By the age of 6-7, the bullying stopped and as I mildly gained the respect of people around me. Around the age of 7 I naturally developed a very strong interest in maths, and this has stuck with me for life. It was something I was constantly praised for by adults. Thankfully I wasn't bullied for this at all in primary school. Even after I stopped being bullied, I was at the bottom of the "social hierarchy". I was often peoples last choice for playing games with, and it felt as though I had to always make an effort to fit in and get people to play with me. I finished high school at age 11. I didn't stay in touch with anyone from primary school.

At age 11 I then entered a private high school. When my first year started, I found that I was being popular for reasons I didn't understand. It might be because I was blunt and would tell offensive but funny jokes, and represented a paradox of maturity and immaturity. I was really good at tackling people in rugby even though I was short, and so the sporty kids loved me for that. I was friends with the "jocks" and "the nerds" at the same time. I was tired of being nerd earlier in my life, so I tried to fit in with the cool kids.

However, they weren't really on my wavelength at all. I found them to be superficial and shallow beyond belief. They shared different hobbies from me for the most part. They were allowed to have girlfriends whilst I have had the opposite sex demonised to me because of my upbringing. The "cool kids" detected that I wasn't on their wavelength as well, but I maintained a casual relationship with them for two years. Although I interacted with the cool kids, it was the "nerds" who were my real homes. I just went to the "cool kids" temporarily if they were doing some fun activity like playing football or rugby.

During my second year of high school I developed a major crush for someone, but I couldn't pursue anything because of my religion. She was really good looking and gave me signals (e.g. She was touching my leg repeatedly with her foot under the table) , but I never did anything. This led to me having great frustration. I ended up question religion as a whole during my adolescence, a became an atheist at age 14.

Something at the centre of my being rejected everything about the way the "jocks" acted. They were arrogant, genuinely malicious at times, and wanted to put whoever they could down around them.

And for the first two years of school, I had two close friends. These two guys happened to be the two highest academic achievers in all subjects, whilst I only "shined" in maths and science. Despite this, we had many similar interests and fun playing games with each other. They were on my wavelength. 

After two years, I had drifted away from the cool kids.

After two years my loneliness started to grow. When interacting with the vast vast majority of people I felt like an outsider. During my third year of high school, I fell down the dominance hierarchy, quickly spiralling down towards the bottom.

During my third year of school, people were put into different classes of "ability". I was separated from my friends for science classes because I never bothered to study. 

One of the two close friends I had started drifting away to hang out with the girls, and I didn't follow him. I was too awkward and my religion hindered me. Plus the girls he choose to hang out with were unpleasant, gossipy people. I had just one friend left, and I didn't end up seeing him too often. This friend that I had left was Asian and Muslim like me, (unsurprisingly?). 

My interests were in discussing philisophy, religion, science, psychology, politics and etc but nobody elses were.

Whether it was sitting in classes, eating lunch, and walking to classes, I was lonely. Rooms would be full with multiple cliques (nerds, normals, jocks, etc) of people talking loudly, I would be awkwardly at the side. I watched from the sidelines everyone enjoy their life. Hung out with nerds, but didn't really feel connected to them. As high school went on, my loneliness grew and grew. 

During my 6-7th years of high school my classes became small and I was mostly interacting with nerds all the time. I took only science subjects and maths, and I had my friends in these classes. My curiosity for maths and science really bloomed during these, and people were shocked at how "intelligent" I was because my grades aren't usually good. I went to a private school filled with people who were very competitive and hardworking academically. I have a circle of 10 "friends" and some of them were envious of me and put me down for my interest in maths. Most of the teachers were unable to answer the questions I asked them, and whenever I tried discussing something I find really interesting in maths/physics with my friends I would get cut off, because they perceived my interest and enthusiasm for the abstract as a form of showing off. If I ever go full loose in showing my train of thought to people, they are sometimes spiteful and look at me as weird. And so I naturally became more and more lonely, as I felt rejected by everyone around me. On a side note, I hate the way information is taught in school, and that demotivated me from learning and growing as much as I could. 

I'll hopefully be studying physics at university later this year. 

My question

How can I understand the forces which drive my behaviour? Practicing mindfulness is something very very very important, and I plan to develop myself as a whole. Our mind can react to sensations and feelings in our consciousness in automated ways which we don't consciously register. 

But I want to know what I can do outside of (meditation) /(consciousness training) to understand myself. What books are best? What theory do I need? What ways of thinking should I use in dissecting my past experiences? 

I want to know why it is I don't fit in. It because of my mbti type? (I'm an INTP). Is it because of my score on the  big five scale? 

Agreeableness: 1st percentile

Compassion: 4th percentile

Politeness: 1st percentile

 

Conscientiousness: 0th percentile

Industriousness: 0th percentile

Orderliness: 2nd percentile

 

Extraversion: 22nd percentile

Enthusiasm: 13th percentile

Assertiveness: 41st percentile

 

Neuroticism: 92nd percentile

Withdrawal: 98th percentile

Volatility: 63rd percentile

 

Openness to Experience: 97th percentile

Intellect: 94th percentile

Openness: 95th percentile

Edited June 2, 2018 by lmfao

[aurum]

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

What books are best? What theory do I need?

I don't know if you'll be ready for the lessons in these books yet, but I would check out The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane, Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards and The Solution To Social Anxiety by Dr. Aziz.

That'll give you a lot of theory to start. Many of those concepts you may not really embody for years to come, but it will at least set you down the right path.

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

I want to know why it is I don't fit in. It because of my mbti type? (I'm an INTP). Is it because of my score on the  big five scale? 

No it's not because of your MBTI type. In fact I would be very careful not to identity too much with MBTI, remember that it's just a general model.

I've also asked myself this question about "fitting in" a lot in my life. I can remember as a teenager just being utterly confused why some kids were "cool" and other kids were clearly not.

You're a hyper logical guy. And that's okay, so am I and so is probably everybody else on this forum. That's why we've all been attracted to each other. The problem for you socially is when all you know how to do is communicate logically.

The difference between socializing and your physics exam is that there's no logical reason to socialize. Nothing to figure out, nothing to accomplish. No end goal at all.

Socializing is purely about the emotional experience of it all. We do it because it feels good.

This is actually harder than it sounds because it means letting go of attachments to agendas and the need to "get" anywhere. You have to become present.

There are other layers to this and I could go much deeper. But I would just take that and see where your mind goes for now.

[Solace]

Love the one who wants to psychoanalyse and put himself under a spiritual microscope. Your mind can never understand the true nature of your emotions and thoughts, but love can, and you are that love. Love to me is synonymous with awareness, the seer; through observation you will start to see patterns which are your deepest knowingness about reality. But that won’t lead you anywhere, you want to go deeper than beliefs, to the spiritual heart center, which will change your beliefs for you  

Edited June 2, 2018 by Solace

[Erlend K]

This is a cool project you have set for yourself. Best of luck! If you are serious about this, and can afford it, I would advice you to work with an experienced psychoanalytic/psychdynamic therapist. Doing this kind of work on our own it's incredibly hard not to constantly consieve oneself. Our minds contains powerful defence mechanisms constantly rationalizing, misleading us about our true intentions, desires and feelings and blocking access to cairtain insights. 

A good therapist with a fine tuned bs detector can help you access parts of your own mind that you might never gain access to on your own. 

[ajasatya]

7 hours ago, lmfao said:

How does one go about truly understanding oneself and psychoanalysing oneself?

long story short: responsibility

[lmfao]

Thanks for the replies.

@aurum The books you mentioned seemed good. I'm generally not good with feelings. If I'm ever in a higher consciousness state and I'm in tune with my feelings to a large degree, I'll still express them in a different way to most people. and I just need to accept that that is who I am. 

I think I just need to align myself with the present moment to "get over" the problems that I myself am creating. Looking back across all my life, I think it's just the case that I'm "wired differently" and I need to be at peace with this and I need to accept the fact that I won't find satisfaction by imitating the behavior and ways of thought of people who are wired differently from me. I have to become truly comfortable with solitude, whilst also being an emotionally mature person who is socially apt.

 I do want to "psychoanalyse" myself, but I think it's something I want to do in the future for fun since reading theory isn't really gonna solve my problems when I know what my problems are deep down and I just need to do the personal development work. The neuroses I have are all to be found with meditation, and I've come to really feel that recently after 4 months of regular-ish mediation. 

 

 

Edited June 2, 2018 by lmfao

[Guest Quanty]

Psychoanalysis is mediocre. Wake up and you will simply know after being.