Emotional blocks & issues when it comes to attraction & kissing

[Widdle Puppy]

Preface: I can get numbers and dates with women. This part isn't a problem for me. I can set up at least one to three dates a week if I wanted and if free time allows. I feel reasonably confident in my conversation skills and connecting through them. 

So here is my problem...

My hang up is building attraction during dates, expressing my attraction in an open, vulnerable and confident way and building up to a kiss. Perhaps this can be called a fear of intimacy? I can start building attraction lightly when on a date through a little touch and also through conversation but as it starts to rise and gets higher and higher I feel anxious, confused, uncertain, brain chatter, some fear or worry and worst of all a fight/flight emotion will sometimes kick in making me completely numb and unable to continue on building attraction or escalating in any way. The intensity of these emotions will be much more higher and intense with a woman I really like.

I've been getting in touch with my emotions and building awareness around them lately so I'm starting to just put this puzzle together and understand what is going on here. I may not entirely understand the problem here and all it's inner workings but I mostly get the gist of it and see what's happening from big picture mode.  

 

I did some sentence exercises where I thought about some situations and emotions I had when it felt like it wasn't possible to move in on a girl I liked.

"I like this girl. I want us to share our sexuality with each other but... 

I'm afraid she will hurt me.

I'm afraid she wont like me and wont want to be friends either.

it's better to just be friends so she doesn't leave.

she wont like the real me.

it's too late she doesn't like you anymore. 

she is going to make it hard and try to sabotage me on purpose so it doesn't happen."

 

So I'm aware I have some emotional issues and blocks in this domain of life. I'm intaking theory but where I feel stuck is what are some pragmatic approaches on how to start changing this behavior and freeing up my emotions, clearing blocks and fears of intimacy and being comfortable with these emotions for a person???

 

 

Edited May 27, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[Spiral]

Question: If you felt like the date went alright to go in for the kiss? Because the girl is not.

I have never had a girl go in for a kiss, regardless of good the date was. Also the first date doesn’t have to be sparkles and desire. Just a good time where you get to know each other is enough. Is sex appeal on the first date preferred yes, but not required.

It’s ok whatever happens, you don’t need to take dating so seriously, it’s fun to get to know new people if it doesn’t work out well at least you had fun and you might even learned something. Try to enjoy the process more and you’ll find that results come on their own. 

Find yourself with monkey mind?Take a deep breath lean back and  relax. Maybe make a flirty comment, to get into a flirty mood.

[Widdle Puppy]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

Question: If you felt like the date went alright to go in for the kiss? Because the girl is not.

I have never had a girl go in for a kiss, regardless of good the date was. Also the first date doesn’t have to be sparkles and desire. Just a good time where you get to know each other is enough. Is sex appeal on the first date preferred yes, but not required.

It’s ok whatever happens, you don’t need to take dating so seriously, it’s fun to get to know new people if it doesn’t work out well at least you had fun and you might even learned something. Try to enjoy the process more and you’ll find that results come on their own. 

Find yourself with monkey mind?Take a deep breath lean back and  relax. Maybe make a flirty comment, to get into a flirty mood.

I wasn't talking about a girl going in for a kiss with me but my own emotional inability to go in for a kiss with her. Yes, I feel like I've had plenty of situations ripe with opportunity to go in for a kiss or build up to one but having experienced the emotions in the OP I did not do so. regret, guilt and a feeling or powerlessness followed after the date ended usually. 

Edited May 27, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[YaNanNallari]

Hard to say whether you seem to actually be interested in the whole thing or just pursuing it because you heard it's cool. For how to deal with it, learn to deal with emotions in general. There's more to you than thoughts and emotions, go deeper and you will have an easier time seeing this.

Edited May 28, 2018 by YaNanNallari

[Elisabeth]

I'm seeing some nice self-reflection here  Be kind to yourself, as many guys will just disconnect and steamroll over these emotions and in that process also disconnect from the girl and steamroll over her. 

Fear of intimacy and fear of rejection are quite normal. 

I think you could honour your limits by taking it slower. You don't have to do a kiss on the first date. You could just ask her out for a second one - if she accepts you can already be more confident that she likes you. Even on date two, you can just go for holding her hand. 

Don't worry about being "slow". Many girls won't be ready for a kiss on the first date either. (Honestly, it would probably freak me out.) We're just as insecure and often indecisive and often slow to warm up to guys. 

Ultimately, yes, you'll just have to take action despite of your fear. Girls won't go first; we have one extra layer of fear that says 'it's inappropriate for me to initiate', and besides, hey, most of us do like it, if the guy is active and a bit dominant (just a bit). So feel the fear and do it anyway. But there's no point in doing it before you're both ready.

Teal Swan has videos on the fear of intimacy, on how to connect etc., I don't know if these would be of any use to you. 

 

[Martin123]

@Widdle Puppy Hey man, you sound like an empath. I can relate a lot to what youre saying. I used to be able to interact with girls very well, be quite charming and when they would start being into it and for example would lean in, something would wash over me and I would feel like "mhhhhm this sint right" and just not go for it.

There can be many things happening for you in these situations, for example you can probably somewhat intuitively tune into your own emotional needs, and then try to date girls to fulfill those needs, and when they actually get to the point where a deep intimate connection can be built, you realise they are hungry for the same thing and its like "well if I dont have this thing, and you dont have this thing either, if we connect together it will be just both of us not having what we desire together and being disappointed"...
I would even say its your intuition telling you, "hey this person cant give you what you want".

And so the solutions revelas itself.
Be the one who fulfills your own emotional needs, be the one who is in a deep commited loving and beautiful relationship with yourself. Be the one who honors your desires, dreams, fears and insecurities, and offers you the love you desire. 
Because other people cant. Not because they dont want to, or you wouldnt deserve it, but because they literally dont have it.
And strangely enough, even if you find a girl whose relationship with herself is aligned and she is ready to love you the way youve always craved to be loved, because your subconscious mind isnt familiar with this vibration it will delete it out of your awareness and you wont be able to receive it.
So become the one who gives yourself what you need and want! And soon enough, as your subconscious mind becomes filled with patterns of generosity towards yourself, intimate compliments, honor of your emotions and needs, self-love and self-care, you will be able to create a relationship that is actually for real. Not just someone pretending like they can give you what they dont have themselves, but a relationship where both of you can embrace the highest qualities of each other, and celebrate the connection that naturally occurs between both individuals.

I am going through the same journey, and I am wishing you best of luck with yours!

[Martin123]

@Widdle Puppy Oh also www.Mattkahn,org 

[Shroomdoctor]

21 hours ago, Martin123 said:

@Widdle Puppy Oh also www.Mattkahn,org 

 ❤

[Martin123]

3 minutes ago, TylerJ said:

@Martin123 Sorry don’t mean to barge in lol, but literally dude you probably just saved me years of unneeded distress and worry over this, as I’m going through the exact same thing. Thanks for your words!❤️

Oh thats great! Youre very welcome! :-) <3