I am too identified with the ego (self) that it clouded my reality completely

[B_Naz]

Life isn't hard, you are just making it hard. Notice the word "you". There is no "you", it isn't like suicide since there was no "you" to suicide with in the first place. Your ego/identity (the you) is making life to be this extremely hardship, harsh and even happy place, when it isn't. Life is neutral. Life isn't the ego.

If you feel like you want to belong or be something, be the universe, because that is what you are. You're not your ego, you are infinite and everything.

[Nadosa]

I know. I know this all. As I have already mentioned. I look for help to ease the suffering. It is not like you can simply put off the ego à la Eckhart Tolle by a sudden switch. And I am happy for you that your life is not hard. 

Thank you and best wishes

Edited May 17, 2018 by Nadosa

[ajasatya]

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Thanks aja. But dont you think I havent explored yet what it is? I go through the forums asking people and always the same question: what is it? Unfortunately knowing what it is doesnt put down my whole mental image or baggage. Do you guys hope for a magical change of feeling of identification with that question?

Much love.

spiritual liberation comes with humility. it cannot be thought of. it cannot be named. it cannot be defined.

spiritual liberation is achieved by resignation. it's the acceptance of the fact that everything that you think about yourself is false, because the spirit is inefable.

[Nadosa]

How can I do this if I havent pursued it and I am forced to it because of a dis-order of mind, brain, body (@Nahm), so that full acceptance just cant happen the way as if I'd had really the wish to pursue this path. I just dont have the dedication, I am not passionate about this path like many of you. Life is just so not easy with these issues in my mind + having to look for jobs, having to deal with toxic people etc (I am 19).

Edited May 17, 2018 by Nadosa

[ajasatya]

@Nadosa would you accept a very humble job like gardening or farming just to get out of the place where you live and stop complaining and blaming others?

are you complexifying or simplifying your life?

[AdamDiC]

@SeeWithSteve DUDE. That Aldous Huxley quote might have changed my life. Thanks for posting that.

[Nadosa]

No, I am indeed overcomplexifying every tiny step since my ego's been in this slow dying mode for the last weeks as my higher self is slowly coming out . I wish I just could drop all my issues. I dont want to do a humble job (ego), since I graduated succesfully and I am too egoistic not to study something or go for a actual worth profession. Indeed gardening is beautiful, but Ill do that in near future anyways my friend Hoping to heal there.

Edited May 17, 2018 by Nadosa

[AdamDiC]

@Nadosa Look man, everyone goes through depression, apathy, and those other "dirty" emotions. They are part of the spectrum of emotions. They are equal to Bliss, and Peace. They just tend to cause irrational reaction by the experiencer.

Know that what you're feeling right now is OK. It is ok to not be ok. Let it happen. It may be a coping strategy for your new higher awareness, or supressed emotions trying to escape. Know that it WILL end, and there be a day when you wake up, feel the sun on your skin, breath in and smile.

As for right now. Try to drop all of your thoughts, beliefs, and ideas of where you are in life, how it should be, and how bad something is. Try to find the source of your suffering, it will take time. Sit and accept your current emotions fully.

Peace. 

[Nadosa]

Thank you! Very appreciated!

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Everything you want to be without will fall away with simple daily stomach breath focus meditation.  Sounds to good to be true maybe, but it is.  No path, no life change, just you taking time for yourself to be without all the things you’re accomplishing. 

20 minutes every morning will change your life.  

[B_Naz]

7 hours ago, Nadosa said:

And I am happy for you that your life is not hard. 

Making me sound spoilt!

But you will get through this like any other obstacle in your path. I believe in you! Sorry for the repeating what has already said  

Goodluck!

Edited May 18, 2018 by B_Naz
Forgot to say Goodluck

[Nadosa]

Finished my first breathing session in months. Damn. Intense. I feel so uncomfortable not knowing. Not knowing what is happening to that dark part in me. Why it isnt me. I feel like the barrier will break and my light of consciousness will arise if I have the dedication to push through and surrender. But I am in fear of losing it. That is because I feel suicidal at times. The ego has created feelings and thoughts I treat as entity, attaching to them makes me feel like they are me and I feel suicidal.

@Nahm: what is the difference between Depersonalization and Enlightenment?

Edited May 18, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa No self semi-realization, and actuality of Self realization.

[Nadosa]

I have edited. Can you add some more info/elaborate for me please (on that entity part)? I fear the closer I am to self realization, the more my ego will revolt. I am already very very exhausted by the mind attacks.

DP is not a realization, it is either a symptom of deep unconsciousness, in my opinion.

Edited May 18, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

If I just didnt have this deeper connection to this dark energy. It is like: yeah now you are resting in the now, in awareness and relate my sense identity to this, but isnt this just belief? Then I think, how is this awareness more "I" then the other part. Both feel as I said valid. That is my observation of my first session.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa what’s your meditation practice look like? 

That “dark energy” is your thoughts. There is no such thing as dark energy. 

Take some deep breaths and relax, and inquire, am I this body & brain producing thoughts? Or am I the awareness, which is aware of this body and these thoughts. Sit for a little while, and be aware. 

[Nadosa]

Just observing the breath. I am prone to dissociation. I am afraid to further investigate and explore what it is. Potential ego defense mechanism.

Edited May 18, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Just sitting, breathing, relaxing. Nothing to worry about, nothing to be afraid of. I think you’re right about potential ego defense mech. 

Even the dissociation is a thought. Probobly feels deeper, or like an actual issue, from maybe having read about it and repeated it. 

Sometimes just sitting and focusing on the breathing outdoors, feeling nature, can really help ease through. Or maybe a nice slow walk. 

In an NLP sense, I think it might serve you to let some words go all together from your vocabulary; afraid, fear, depersonalization, dark energy, suicidal, entity, worry. 

You do create your own reality, and words are important. 

I’d start replacing them.

Instead of  suicidal, use Purification, or being reborn, or simply ready for your new life to begin, or committed to creating new perspectives.

Instead of worry and even ‘don’t worry’, say Let it go, or Let go. 

Instead of disassociation - “finally gonna let this shit go”. That big ball of shit perspective from lazy thinking - choose now to drop it. You carried it a long time man, put it down now, it’s ok. Be free of it. After a meditation, it might be useful to visualize packing all concerns from your past into a metal ball, feel the wieght of it, the density, and picture a track the ball goes on in front of you, and (with your hands and arms) visualize putting this heavy ball on the track, and give it a solid push. Imagine it rolling away, hear it on the track rolling away, “hear it” roll for miles until it is just gone. Feel how good it feels to finally let it go. 

Take “afraid, fear, etc”, and start calling all that over thinking. Over thinking is anxiety. You’re going to be filled with joy soon. You’ll literally forget what the unwanted emotions feel like. The only answer to this will always be to return to awareness, realizing you got caught up in thought. Eventually, awareness becomes the default and it is wonderful, and worth the commitment to the practices.

Replacing these words is a solid part of 24/7 mindfulness, in additional to focusing on breathing from your stomach  - being present and aware of choosing your words, constantly returning back to awareness and noticing when you’ve been caught up in the wind of thoughts. Trust these practices, they’ll set you free. 

 

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/relaxation-techniques-breath-control-helps-quell-errant-stress-response

https://eocinstitute.org/meditation/141-benefits-of-meditation/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlLDslbaP2wIVVAOGCh0ymw3yEAAYASAAEgJdp_D_BwE

I suggest reading those two sites everyday, in addition to the practices. You are creating you. ❤️

 

[Nadosa]

Well that is what I call help. Thank you very much!

Since my "issues" are connected to time and the passage of time, the only way out is to enter the now out of psychological time. How can I detach time, the date, everything associated with thought of time, from meditation? I dont know how to explain it correctly. I just have this deep feeling that I cant live in "time" anymore since this has all started. I tend to attach meditation to be in "psychological time" and this belief makes it hard to be present.

Edited May 18, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

I have to add an answer, since Ive been meditating I feel like my mind is going crazy. I honestly feel like losing grip on reality and my sanity, I dont know why my mind is so damn active AFTER meditation. My mind totally deconstructed my understanding of now that it lead to a feeling that I am unable to enter it again, it feels like the ego has such a huge load of suffering that I'd explode if I enter the now or let it go. It feels like I am in another dimension miles away from the now. Ive been tricking myself. 

Edited May 20, 2018 by Nadosa