Authenticity and Dating

[ZZZZ]

So recently I've come to a crossroads with authenticity and dating. On the one hand, I have come to realize that I am not the body, I have no reason whatsoever to care about what people say or think about me (especially my physical appearance), and that I should be as authentic as possible in just about every aspect of my life.

On the other hand... I have been dating off and on with more success than I've had in the past, but realize that part of this success is due to various levels of inauthenticity on my part. Some examples that come to mind:

Lifting weights to build muscle mass with a primarily aesthetic motive, cutting and styling my hair/facial hair a certain way, wearing certain clothing and combinations of clothing that I do not typically wear (ie a collar to make my neck look shorter or smarter clothing in general), body language/demeanour, specific converational topics, etc.

Now with each of these points there are aspects of each that also make me happy, and I've recently altered my lifestyle and choices to be more authentic in general. However, I find that I am still plagued with this crossroads on a daily basis. I catch myself being influenced by the fact that women have responded more favorablly to these things than they have to various alternatives in the past. Experience has steered me in a certain direction, so to speak, as I've gotten indirect and direct feedback from more and more women (hell, think "likes" on a photo for a crude example of this). While I am primarily interested in reaching higher levels of consciousness and authenticity, I realize that the majority of women are extremely influenced by cultural and social norms that dictate what they should and should not find attractive or desirable in a potential partner. While it would be extremely easy to just say screw it and do whatever I want to do in the name of authenticity, I honestly think my success in finding suitable women to date would diminish drastically.

Do I continue playing the dating "game" and reel women in with some initial inauthenticity, or do you think I'm better off putting dating on the backburner and strictly just being myself?

I've kind of answered this for myself already, it's just extremely difficult to take this plunge, and I don't know where to draw the line. "I don't like shaving my face so I'll let my neck beard go an extra couple days... This green shirt is more comfortable than my blue one so it doesn't matter if I'm not matching... Sweatpants are more comfortable than jeans so may as well wear those out???" Idk, just throwing stuff out there.

 

At a certain point these hygeine standards etc. also indirectly make me feel better about myself too, which is another tough aspect. The whole "look good, feel good" thing. Being clean, groomed, and well dressed makes me feel better than when I am unkept in bummy clothing, but this still doesn't change the influence I've described above on a finer level. 

Edited May 10, 2018 by ZZZZ

[aurum]

@ZZZZ

The key is you need to blend radical authenticity with social awareness.

When people say "be authentic", what they're really saying is don't do things out of fear. Because fear is never authentic to your higher self.

For instance, let's take the example you used of dressing well to attract girls.

One guy dresses well because he's insecure and he saw in GQ magazine that this is what he is supposed to dress like. This is inauthentic and usually won't do much in terms of results with women because the truth will come out.

Now let's say you have another guy who isn't afraid to violate social norms. This guy chooses from a place of power to dress well in a way that feels authentic but also is aware of social norms.

It really comes down to your intentions. Don't ask "what" are you doing, ask "why" are you doing it.

[ZZZZ]

36 minutes ago, aurum said:

@ZZZZ

The key is you need to blend radical authenticity with social awareness.

When people say "be authentic", what they're really saying is don't do things out of fear. Because fear is never authentic to your higher self.

For instance, let's take the example you used of dressing well to attract girls.

One guy dresses well because he's insecure and he saw in GQ magazine that this is what he is supposed to dress like. This is inauthentic and usually won't do much in terms of results with women because the truth will come out.

Now let's say you have another guy who isn't afraid to violate social norms. This guy chooses from a place of power to dress well in a way that feels authentic but also is aware of social norms.

It really comes down to your intentions. Don't ask "what" are you doing, ask "why" are you doing it.

Hmm, so being conscious of wearing the mask is different than unconsciously wearing the mask. That makes sense. I guess I need to work on the inverse; not doing things out of fear, ie not wearing something different or unique because of whatever potential reaction from others may occur. 

[Spiral]

@ZZZZ I would say your choice of clothing is a representation of who you are, if you lazy for instance your choice of clothing will show that, assuming you are as you say being authentic. Now is being lazy objectively bad? no, but I prefer being efficiency.

To appreciate beauty, is not being materialistic it's a way to see the world as something more than yourself. One should find a balance between emotion and rational, overdoing one is a problem.

 

[Nahm]

@ZZZZ You’re already doing what you want to do. You’re already being you, that’s authentic. You can dress your person up to attract a significant other, and be authentic. Don’t be so hard on your “self”.