165 Days Before College

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On 7/4/2018 at 11:22 PM, Everyday said:

College Packing ListOpera Snapshot_2018-07-04_231516_collegeinfogeek.com.png




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It`s irrelevant to post about t-shirts and socks so i will only refer to more essential objects instead:




Remember, if you don't wear it at home, you're not going to wear it at school. If you're debating whether or not to bring a piece and it's not something you absolutely love, leave it at home! You can always pack up a box of "maybes" and have your parents send it to you if you decide you need its contents. https://www.theodysseyonline.com/22-new-things-at-22

also, don't bring any kind of collection with you (stems,etc)

NEW! what i will leave from home with 

  • 8 pairs of underwear+ what i own now. i wanted to bring more but it would be too much 
  • 8 socks + what i won now 
  • 2 pairs of jeans
  • 2 pairs of short pants
  • 3 long towels
  • 2 short towels 
Edited by Everyday

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tomorrow ill go to swim after a 7-8 years break due to body insecurities lol 

i cant wait to get away from my father`s insecurities and short temper .

i begun taking medium-warm showers than i switch to freezing cold showers. i feel good. a few months ago i thought i cant do it.

i bought a few worms from a fishing shop because in my country organic farming is non-existent therefore no-organic shops. i buried them together with some spoiled vegetables

i dealt with a conflict today. it wasn't perfect but i stood up for myself like never before. it`s just a +1 experience. i had mu standards too high. i don't need to make a 360 degrees shift just a lil one every time. it`s so obvious now  

i`ll attend to a meditation group, an Expat meet-up and another event in the city ill be studying. i feel worried,excited and self-doubt. i am insecure about my English skills. i will start college soon. 

Edited by Everyday

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6 august 2018 




i spread some dried grass from my loan around the plants to keep humidity and to encourage worms to shelter beside it(worm poop=organic fertilizer)



above i tried to dry some soil from my garden. i dried up like this. just boulders and dirt. i thought that i will look like  the  soil  i bought from stores. but apparently that soil is combined with different ingredients and  quality soil from the mountains. my garden soil it`s supposed to look like this. interesting! 


because these morning glories where planted to late they didn't have enough light to grow even though i lain an aluminum foil on the ground(which helped because before that their growth was insignificant ) 





parsley, after a few times of being sprayed with essential oils. it used to be full of gnats and damaged leafs 



i finally sprayed my plants(before going to the beach) with an essential oils mix after weeks of resistance


these 2 tomato plants that  survived in that tray




that mint plant used to be a cutting i took from the mother plant. yap. look at it now! they grow so fast! 



i arranged those old electrical wires by myself. they used to stay in some shady corner of the backyard.  i still have a few wires but there is no point in stetting them if ill be leaving in a few weeks. i feel sad to leave my plants, probably more than about leaving my family .lol.


those motherfuckers leaf curls aphids re-appeared. it haven't rained in a while. i just felt like i dont know what to do so i procrastinated to treat this problem 



the plants above are the morning glories leftovers from the growing tray. i felt bad to throw them away 





thats my favorite@! i buried a root in a pot . i will cut it soon,separating it from the mother mint  and ill have a new independent mint plant ;)


here is my 2nd or 3rd experiment of making hay. 1st time i just lay it on the ground and rooted.  2nd & 3rd time i put it here, safe from wind&rain. it worked, although the 3rd time i put too much and it took way too long to dry up .



that`s a PVC pipe i found unused and unwanted in my tool-shed. i made some wholes with a knife and set it in the soil for drainage. i hope the morning glory`s roots grew around the pipe  

Edited by Everyday

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On 8/12/2018 at 0:24 AM, Everyday said:

tomorrow ill go to swim after a 7-8 years break due to body insecurities lol 

12 8 2018  swimming after 8 years

I felt anxious on the way to the beach, expecting some of my sibling's friends or my  siblings to pick on me just like my father did

I was in my mind at first so i didn't enjoy the sun, water or the beach. When i got out from the water i kept feeling bad seeing so many hot girls in bikini (and i felt like this even before). also i compared the cold water of the sea with the action of taking cold showers -you just do it.

But than i was there just watching the sea. I was in the present. Being in the present moment wasn't like i expected. It's a struggle not a lever you push, and you are in the present instantly

Than i enjoyed more swimming and just being there. But I still felt from time to time (normally) worried, anxious, envious, needy, frustrated cuz i wasn't hitting on hot girls. latterly i thought of busting my nut but i resisted. i have had tremendous urges to fap in the last month but i resisted. no fap it`s still going strong 

 after the second experience i just let things go, i felt less negative feelings because i felt happy swimming and taking bath showers so I was less stuck in my head. Just focus your attention on the warmth of the sand, the sun, the endless sight of water, etc. Also it helped that i just pushed myself further by doing other activities 


in hindsight, I could have eaten healthier if i wanted to. I could have bought at least 2 smoothies instead of a stake at a restaurant . Plus i could have brought some healthy foods from home like nuts or dried fruits. Also, i could have even brought some cooked lentils and stored them in the fridge. I could have got some groceries from a market on my way from the train station beforehand.



I felt the most anxiety and neg feelings about conflict moments /standing up for myself in front of some ethnic group in my country who is pretty much oriented to trickery,theft,intimidation,beatings,public inadequacy,beatings,etc . i am afraid of them,but at the root cause i am afraid of getting in conflict with them or with other people in general.

i contemplated the ``why`` of this problem many times: it appears that i am afraid of getting beaten; to feel powerless&weak;  to have my father calling me weak for getting myself beaten or that i got fooled by some person(both happen in my childhood). Also i felt lots of anxiety regarding insecurity about the way i looked, that i am not a cool dude who has cool friends who can feel confident and not caring what others think and can have fun. i watched these thoughts with awareness whilst  i kept looking around saying to myself that i am not that or this, i am not enough ,i am not ........ something, i am too like that or this 



 I flirted with more than 2 girls . One of them was 30+ . Lol . Obviously I did nothing . But I flirted!~ its smth. Its interesting how I don’t want just to flirt as best as I can aka awkwardly bc I don’t want to loose the girl lol . i managed a tense/conflict moment(yay) and a girl saw that and i think she got impressed.The second girl I flirted was on a bus . baby steps . i am deeply ashamed and worried writing about this attempts of mine of pickup / baby steps in pickup. for over a month approximatively i kept flirting with random girls outdoors but i didn't mentioned this here because i don't want to be called a pussy for not actually taking massive action. i don't want someone to tell me what i already know i should be doing . i had some insights about myself and pickup but ill talk about them when ill start pickup. one day.... i think my problem is that i don't know the theory . ill just keep taking baby steps 


i resisted at first, i told myself that i pushed my comfort zone enough for 1 day. i went clubbing with them although i felt like i should cross this self imposed boundary in NL, my myself, safe and away from judgment from the people that know me. i am ashamed of dancing although i want to dance. anyways, i convinced myself that ill get some experience from this , i can flirt there + i can leave if i wanted to. I danced there. No body said nothing. I copied my moves from a dude who really felt the music, at first till i surrendered to the present moment and l let myself enjoy the music and express it through my body. I was self conscious of my moves but i just tried to feel the music and dance anyways. one of my sibling`s friends made fun of my dance moves. I felt ashamed but i told myself that he must be insecure like me, and picks on people just to bust his self esteem. I didn't take myself to seriously. No body cared. i felt safe in the darkness of the club, i always feel safe in the dark.  I chose a spot near the stage and started dancing. I FELT THE MUSIC BOY .it was a wonderful moment, dancing with the crowd in the dark. amazing . from time to time i would remember that i am with them and than all my dancing looked forced and i felt insecurity increasing than i would just focus on the music and so on. Definitely looking forward for more.

 Update:15 aug 2018--- my sibling told my mother and me again - that I danced at that edm party. I felt ashamed but I reminded how important was for me and how nobody cares.



13 8 2018 day 2, visited a resort i used to go to all the time when younger 

insights:      My parents weren't doing anything fun when i was a child.  all we were doing was to watch TV. Therefore i might have developed anxiety and embarrassment regarding dancing,sports, doing fun activities like cycling, beach&board games etc. Hammy interesting. Moreover , he made fun of anyone who was any extracurricular activity . Be it a hobby,chess,volunteering,playing,singing,cycling,running,gym,creative hobbies, partying, fun activities etc. He was too insecure (still is) to go out there and therefore labeled everyone as inferior and weird to protect his ego. lol. i haven't joined any sport or club in school so far (except in preschool, but i was pushed my them to do so). i just felt weird and ashamed  to be there. he fucked up my life, but now it`s my duty to grow it like a flower as i please 

Also i remembered many of his anger outbursts he had(still does) . nowadays, if i do smth he might label as wrong i immediately start feeling tremendous  spikes of neg feelings such as fear and self-doubt. i feel afraid of being criticized,called names,threatened and screamed at  by him like he often did, growing up. maybe, thats how i developed my difficulties of dealing with conflict. i wasn't allowed to stand up for myself . it`s funny in a twisted way how a little insecure beer-belly middle aged man can do to a child. lol imagine a man screaming at a child from the lenses of a personal development enthusiast . he would just see a sad unhappy & unhealthy  man with many unresolved wounds screaming at a child not a financially successful man. lol 


12 8 2018  swimming after 8 years

Edited by Everyday

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On 8/16/2018 at 11:17 PM, Everyday said:


yay! my first MORNING GLORY FLOWERS, this year. 



if i had more sunlight in my backyard and if i had planted them sooner i would have a shitload of flowers. anyways, it was a fun experience. i found a farm and i am planning to volunteer. yes, i am still insecure of my English but its fun how i start forgetting the tenses and words when i think focus on the negatives 



i have been growing these arugula plants indoors for over a 2 months. i haven't taken a pic of  them bc i thought that i have to wash my hands afterwards i thought them bc they are dirty and ill get sick lol 




 that`s the parsley which survived in that tray. 


this one has a lot of sunlight! i think is over 2 meters! i am proud of it . my baby. lol . however, i noticed that the population of leaf-curling aphids has diminished but in their place a plethora of fuking green caterpillars appeared 


Edited by Everyday

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On 8/16/2018 at 11:17 PM, Everyday said:

 i rolled some aluminum foil chunks to repeal bugs. i am not sure if it will work. i suspect that some bugs (like spiders)will take shelter under them 



20 8 2018, dinsdag/tuesday

i feel a plethora of neg feelings 

  • i feel worried, self doubt , stressed and excited. my home baggage its done . i think ill be the only one who actually took the time to over-prepare for college by reading posts,watching videos etc.  
  • i trimmed a part of my beard very short by mistake and bc i wasn't thinking actively about the action of doing it . than  was like: hmm i better shave it. than i felt comically insecure and worried that i wont be as attractive for the opposite sex till my beard grows back. lol. like i would actually do smth .... ha-ha-ha
  •  yesterday i thought about what my sophomore year elf would think of my current ``problems``. it was interesting. i realized that the only things that will matter after one year is to: maintain self-actualization habits, develop study habits,socializing,joining meditation group, improving English ,cooking for myself, etc.
  • but i  to return to that inexplicable calm attitude i got before the final exams in high school. i just accept the challenge itself and just detach from it. now, i am excited , although worried from time to time. i feel excited that ill have to cook for myself, to do the laundry and taking walks in parks alone



Opera Snapshot_2018-08-21_002827_www.google.ro.png

that`s a really good article on freshmen advice :https://www.savethestudent.org/extra-guides/freshers/30-mistakes-every-first-year-will-make.html it`s interesting how all the college advice i gathered so far boils down to a few things:

  • join  a club/start hobby
  • exercise,eat well,sleep well
  • socializing, introducing yourself to people
  • studying , study programme 
  • organizational skills 
  • financial skills
  • go to professor`s office hours
  • volunteer/internship/part-time job 
  • go to class, do homework early 
  • get out of your room. don't be a Godzilla in its cave



writing these posts takes time and i want to do them right. plus for some reason thinking that i have to write them stresses me even more. ill take a short break starting from Thursday 23th. i will start a new thread and report my experiences in 2-3 weeks(or sooner). i  am excited to start my COLLEGE JOURNAL. i have been waiting this for months .

Edited by Everyday
ill post updates

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13 hours ago, Everyday said:

but i  to return to that inexplicable calm attitude i got before the final exams in high school. i just accept the challenge itself and just detach from it. now, i am excited , although worried from time to time. i feel excited that ill have to cook for myself, to do the laundry and taking walks in parks alone

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On 8/4/2018 at 11:17 PM, Everyday said:


On 7/31/2018 at 11:50 PM, Everyday said:

my mom thought me today how to make red lentil cream soup and a week ago how to make rice+vegetables.

fried vegetables&chicken (half of a batch of cauliflower, 1 broccoli, a quarter of zucchini, 2 carrots, 1 parsnip,1 bell pepper + flax&hemp seeds at the end; because in the pan the seeds are wasted and burned on the bottom of the pan as Ive observed so far)



she taught me also to make a chicken soup with extra vegetables 



*suggestion: use dried mushrooms in any of he recipes above 




recipe: https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-lentils-on-the-stove-116321 



fried vegetables: broccoli,mix of mushrooms, steamed beetroot,pink salt ,zucchini,bell paper, sunflower+olive oils and some seeds at the end sesame,hemp,flax


Quinoa with parsley and curry + fried vegetables: 1 bell pepper, 1 big-ass tomato, shimeji  and Enoki Mushrooms.  this was the first time i tried these mushrooms. i was resistant at first. but its tasteful and pushing out of my comfort zone payed off.




InkedOpera Sn2apshot_2018-08-22_015601_photos.google.com_LI.jpg



that`s almost everything i wanted to learn to cook before leaving. i wanted to learn to cook couscous too but the recipes above are a good start anyways. yesterday i crossed all these recipes off my to-do list from Habitica. finally.

i wont starve at college - i have no idea why people keep saying that at college you will eat only bread,potatoes and ramen soup. the grains above are ridiculously cheap! and you can buy frozen veggies to cook even cheaper! 

Edited by Everyday

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the ``spicy mint`` above i have  kept over the winter. it was so small. it`s a cutting from a mint i had for 2-3 years. t was unproductive anyways. not like the new one. 


that`s what happens when you don't ``train`` those veins. like i did last summer you have to constantly re-arrange them in the way you want to grow. 



yay! more flowers 


mint&parsley from the tray 



bell pepper  plant. i have it for over a year now. in the winter it made some small bell peppers. one of them look literally like a small yellowish butt lol 








i put fertilizers bars in the arugula pots.  the one below seems dead now. well, that`s how you learn


fertilizer bar










Edited by Everyday

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regrets from last year? i wish i focused on a few ESSENTIAL habits rather than jumping from book to book and practice to practice. oof all that mattered was to study for my college entry exams. i should have leared to deal with procrastination and not good ways to study. if i could do it all over again i would have done more with my free time. a sport. swimming! and joined a meditationg group and estatic dance group in my city. all i did was to stress too much for nt studyign due to lazyness and resitance.

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i hid a post from my other journal but the whole jurnal disapeared. i cant bring it back for some reason. maybe i will continue here. is a good thing to see my progress. i am not the person i was when i started this journal. maybe there is no need to hide and separate parts of my journey and self.


my goals for summer are to learn how to learn since i struggle with procrastination and ineffective studying methods. also, i want to learn how to break bad habits. this is really putting me behind the growth curve really bad. of course, i wanted more and more goals but these two are very important. also i will volunteer at a farm the whole summer. is a really good ay to learn.

Edited by Everyday

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14 hours ago, Aeris said:

When I cleaned my life with everything and started yoga, it worked for a while, but I was so lonely, no one in society to follow me, so I come back to my old past life. ( no drug, meditation, cold shower etc etc.. ) I still do cold shower and a bit of meditation.

nice to know that i am not the only one who used to do more personal devlopment than i do now. maybe is part of the journey.

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now that i think about it bad habits have been damaging my life for the last months havily. i dont study becasue of my bad habits. and bad learnign habits and methods. i think i will spent the fallowing months just dealign with bad habits. i will start by readign a book i start but abandoned about bad habits. than i will focus on tackeling each bad habit. i guess i will read a book about dealing with emotions since i have a lot of resistance.

what are my bad habits?

  • failing to deal with stress and resistance - i eat unhealthy food and watch tv series and movies to deal with it currently
Edited by Everyday

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oof is so difficult to communicate with my parents. i become annoyed each time i do. is like we don't speak the same language. i started the bad habits book. i got bored after a few pages. but i did not want to watch a movie bc it would be too boring to watch one. than after my call with parents do want to watch one. i feel very stressed of my college situation. i am unsure of my future plan. i daydream about a possible path than it changes completely next day like it never existed. i want to jump to another goal right now. to dabble than to end up again in 7 months with no real achievements.

Edited by Everyday

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in the last 9 months i have indulged to much in fast food, fitting in, dabbling, masturbation, porn, being lazy, drugs and comfort. now i see myself wanting to change overnight but is seems impossible. i dont want to do it step by step but want to change overnight. each time i get high i only think that i want to be back on the path, to eat healthy and meditate and read books. now that this year is almost over i see that not much have changed. although i truly thought i am on smth big. i am going somehow. is like leo said: this is not true happiness and leads nowhere.

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i had new insights of my bad behaviours from that book. i am unsatisfied and frustrated with my current skills with women so i compensate subconsciously by watching movies, porn and masturbation. so one of the reasons i watch so many movies late at night is to put myself in the shoes of the guys with girlfriends and all those romantic moments. this way i fool myself that everything is fine in the real world.  therefore there is some denial as well in this mix. fascinating.

i use food to deny reality and to not face bad feelings such as stress. i distract myself with the fake happiness from food from the reality and harsh feelings i experience. also, i was thinking how nice it would be to get drunk, smoke some weed and eating junk food in order to make days pass faster and skip what i feel now.  i want to use those stuff to make time go faster, to wake up in the future where for sure i am perfect. but the funny thing is that when i am very drunk or high or both have one thought: that i want to be back on the path, that i want to be sober right now and how am i wasting my life.  just to change my opinion sober. i need to be strong and brave enough to face these emotions and thoughts like i used to do. maybe there is no path. the path is each day and time i chose to follow my long-term goals. all this time i thought about the path as when i am on it for 6 months already thus making it more difficult to stop bad habits.

the feeling of boredom is a signal that the activity i am doing at the moment is not going to help me achieve my needs. but is weird because i can use youtube videos and movies to distract myself from feeling boredom even if deep down i am bored indeed.


Edited by Everyday

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i just finished correcting a report i failed first time. i saw how many mistakes i have made and all were easy to correct. i just panicked and just wrote shit to submit and finish. today i had a bunch of daydreams about eating crap food and stuff liek this. all triggered by this report. i didnt give in. i got to a point i just felt good after my previously self imposed limit.

Just remebered somone told me last autmun they went to a Mooji retreat in Portugal and looked at me like i am supposed to know him. At the time i only knew this name was mentioned on the forum before. I read the article mentioned by somone the other day on the forum. I had no idea that he is really fucked up as thsi article says. If i knew this at the time the woman told me i would have told her or looked suspicious to her:  https://gurumag.com/becoming-god-inside-moojis-portugal-cult/


Edited by Everyday

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the results for my last re exams came today. i failed one of them and the other barely passed. this means i cant continue at the current uni next year.  i have been expecting this for some time, even before taking the exams. it was a year of tremendous growth. i was living alone for first time in my life, improved my english, was exposed to new cultures, made true friends for the first time in my life, and the most important thing is that i learned what things i am the most interested about in the field of agriculture.  i doubt the need of a college degree in my filed of interest ( agriculture) but i am afraid to do it without it. to be honest i want to delay entering the job market. my mind and soul is torn between short term peace of mind by going back home and getting a degree there and the long term good decision of staying here without a degree and trying to get a job at one of the things i am sure i am interested about. basically i would go back home to get a degree i dont need and come back here and do the same thing but with a degree. i cant even specialise in that thing in my country. deep down i know i should at least try to get a job here than to wait 4 years to come back. tomorrow i will call the main small company i want to work for. i want to build my expertise by learning more about my passion, practicing it and using this as a supplement for not having a degree. following your dreams is indeed hard.

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my mind is still running scenarios good and bad. i havent talked with my father yet. i sent a few emails to some companies and i hope the best.

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