Danielle

SDS effects

69 posts in this topic

Wonderful. 

Reading this really reminds me/triggers memories of my own personal alike experience, the shit I did was insane, people honestly thought I was on drugs. 

Ik how you feel about people typing on your page so this message ll self destruct in 1 day. 

Thanks for finally releasing episode 8 btw reading these are dope lol


Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies

:(:

 

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@jjer94  When I come to the US and find a decent statue to sleep on I'll gladly show you xD

Right back at ya! You might want to consider a haircut though Mr.Reeves :x

@Rinne I changed my mind about that lol. Thank you for reading :D


Having no destination, I'm never lost. - Ikkyu

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LWAM Season 1, episode 9.
I know, I know, I didn't write anything in forever, but just hear me out, okay? I'll start at the beginning. I've fallen deeper into emptiness. It's funny because it went from I am Danielle DUH!, to I am nothing and everything to I'm not nothing nor am I anything else besides nothing and it's so obviously true! To save you from mental masturbation, wait till you become it because holy smokes! It has left me utterly speechless, not being able to do anything but bask in it for days on end. The stuff I experienced a year ago seems silly in comparison.

I was rereading stuff from this journal and found it unbelievably delusional and hilarious. It's astounding how different my perception is- now it's crystal clear, even more so than the first time it shifted because the difference is insane. 

Another thing:memory. I don't have it. They don't tell you about this in enlightenment brochures. 
 My short term memory is non existent. Every insight I had recently  I had to write down immediately or it'd be lost forever. I had a presentation a while back and few minutes before it I realized I forgot everything. And weirdly enough, when it was my turn to speak I started talking effortlessly. I don't know how it happened and it was strange at first, but it's kinda fun not to know anything now.

I cried out of love in public couple of times this month. Just kidding, this week. The love is beyond  all ideas and feelings of oneness, beyond God and beyond all whys. It's an never-ending orgasm of being that loves.

I find myself in situations that previously brought a lot of suffering. I have no resistance to any of it and no pain arises. It keeps on shocking me how distorted my perception was. I see family members and friends creating fantasy suffering and problems while carrying the self as a trusty perception distorter.  

You know how I said I was out and about? Well that turned around again since this unraveling started. I suddenly have 0 interest in anything besides sitting in silence and savouring the moment. 

Is this it now? Will I just stay silent forever? Will I find a cave and spend the next decade in it? I really don't know, I had the need to share this with you so that's probably a no. I spent the last 8 months in a non dual honeymoon and now it's time to go deeper. After the ecstasy, the laundry.

End credits: There is no other day
Let's try it another way
You'll lose your mind and play
Directed by a 20-year-old ox tamer.
 


Having no destination, I'm never lost. - Ikkyu

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This is deeply inspirational, reading this journal brought me to the brink of tears. This journal is a diamond for me. Thank you. Thank you. Im speechless

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@Igor82 I'm glad the journal had an impact, thank you for your kind words. :D


Having no destination, I'm never lost. - Ikkyu

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On 9/21/2018 at 7:56 PM, Danielle said:

When I come to the US and find a decent statue to sleep on I'll gladly show you xD

Would you ever plan on coming to New York? 


Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies

:(:

 

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@Rinne Possibly in the future, certainly not in the next 3-5 years. :P


Having no destination, I'm never lost. - Ikkyu

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LWAM Season 1, episode 10
Hey, I run out of puns for people! You know how I ended things with: After the ecstasy, the laundry? Well, let’s just say I’ve been doing a lot of washing. I have so much to share, but don't really know where to begin. It's been an indescribable year, not event wise, but perception wise. This must’ve been the craziest year of my life yet nothing happened. After that first huge awakening I started writing in a diary I called Dear Truth. That seemed like the thing to do after waking up and I’m certain every person with clarity got one from their teacher after they’ve spent at least 5 hours deleting internet history of said teacher. It started with standard stuff; Dear Truth, this love knows no end, it frightens me and multiplies every minute. Dear Truth, that which is I am, it’s exactly how it’s supposed to be so that life could work through this person, thank you! You can imagine all the other Facebook- worthy quotable lines from there. As I wrote more and more, I was starting to dig deeper and deeper into something familiar and terrifying. With each word the dust disappeared and I was hit with all the things I was still in denial about.  There is a difference between knowing something’s not you existentially versus accepting it as a part of the person you are embodying and being in peace with it.  I would spend maybe weeks being completely open and then I would shut back down, the switch seemingly caused by nothing. By writing in Dear Truth, I saw through myself, through the parts that stick to my cells and had a hard time doing what all other versions of Danielle had no problem doing – letting go completely.


 That version of Danielle is the gay one and here’s where it hit me. A person in my family died a couple of months ago and I naturally went to her funeral. This funeral was very different than the one two years ago that accelerated the seeking process and felt like a slap across the face of my nearly sarcastic apathy towards death. There was no fear, no tears, only gratitude and the recognition of that which is dead is alive and that which is dead is alive. There I am, putting flowers on her grave, unmoved by death, ready to die that exact second, but terrified of my sexuality. How ridiculous is that? That realization went along with the insight that my family was suffering through her death because they haven’t gone through death themselves. That way I haven’t gone through the feelings of shame and guilt and the social conditioning regarding homosexuality. Since then I’ve been meditating on specific feelings that arrive when it comes to being gay, surrendering to it and writing nonstop to get everything out of my system.

The best thing I can do right now is to be vulnerable. As the seeking stopped, the imaginary distance between the realm of spirituality and what was perceived as miserable existence, started to close. At first, truth was about moving away from life to ideas that I thought were beyond Danielle. At the end of seeking, what I thought I was moving away from was what I got. Do shadow work kidos, don’t fight what’s in front of you. Show compassion to yourself while knowing your bullshit when you see it. 


At the end of that road, everything fell apart and what followed was an opening that could only be described as a hug from a friend you haven’t seen in a long time while he pours a bucket of cold ice on your skin. The hug was about the reassurance that I’m back home, that I never left and that it’ll be there once I do what needs to be done and what I can only do myself. What I can only do myself is to have the unconditional willingness to face myself fully – to merge with myself on every level. And most importantly, the hug was about knowing full well that nothing is wrong with me for feeling anything. What was left to do was the undoing of the firm belief that I would rather die than face parts of myself. The ice was the needed warning of what needs to be seen, practically screaming that it can’t be hidden in a box anymore. It was also the very sobering insight that I was dumb by thinking I could pick what issues I would face and what I would ignore. Not until you hit that point do you realize fully what it means to confront yourself on every level imaginable –getting back to the first time you’ve felt the need to protect yourself from life.  Everything since then, every feeling of ickiness or wrongness in the ego structure just begs to be seen as what it is and loved despite being the thing that initially caused rejection from others. The whole embrace is about giving away the last ounce of imaginary control – to let truth run deeply in this heart without pulling away no matter how cold the ice gets. 


End credits: Then you realize you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, the horizon clears, you wipe the tears and all the skeletons are ready for your story.
Directed by a gay ice cold mother hugger.

Edited by Danielle

Having no destination, I'm never lost. - Ikkyu

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