Samuel Garcia

How To Deal With Feeling Unloved

10 posts in this topic

Hey guys,

Any advice is appreciated. I am at university in my 2nd and feel really lonely. I have tried facing this loneliness head on and felt like I did well during the summer break and didn't feel lonely much when I spent weeks generally by myself. But now I have moved back to university and I feel so unloved (rather than lonely). I have not many friends and just feel nobody cares about me (which is probably the harsh truth). The things is I can make friends but I don't value just anyone -- only a few select people but they have their own life and own friends.

I feel deeply troubled by this and trying to deal with this by feeling my emotions fully but I can't stop crying my eyes out. This is quite emotionally painful because I just can't stop crying. Shall I continue with feelings my emotions? I just want to be happy or content. Thanks.

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@Samuel Garcia During college I felt that way, too. I had a few best friends (also roommates) but they all had boyfriends, they would usually spend 3-4 days a week with them. I felt lonely in the dorm and I felt lonely emotionally. After college it was the same for some time, until I got a boyfriend then it was worse. I'd started dating him just to see what it's like to have a relationship. It wasn't sincere for either of us, it sucked. I still learned a lot of things out of it, so I'm grateful. 

We have this body for we don't know how long, so we need contact by nature. But we also need human contact to cover for the things we don't want to look closely. To me, it was like when I started looking inwards and try to fix things myself, I got more self-confidence, which in time turned into relationships that are of higher quality. I just love unconditionally and some of it returns. 

I now have two real friends for life (and my husband) , maybe three more that aren't so close; but these aren't people I hang out everyday. We see each other maybe once a month, but the connection is always there, wherever we are. This is enough for me personally. When you cling onto someone, you start getting energy only from that person and you block the chances of encountering better relationships. Cry out if you will (I know I did) but be open. Give away your love, not just to a few select people, but every living and non-living being. You'll get some of it back, if not all.

But I totally get what you mean, feeling unloved really hurts. Just the other day I called my husband's grandpa to say hi, and he said he really missed me. He never says that, and it made me happy to be missed. I really like him after all. It turned out, he'd mistaken me with his granddaughter, we have the same name. It really hurt that it wasn't him who couldn't show his love, he just never shows it to me. Now I'm not even his relative, so of course he likes her granddaughter more than me, but I was struck by the fact that this really hurt. So I have a looong way to go, not letting the external factors affect me so much.

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Edited by BjarkeT

No more victim mentality. 

Every single problem in my life is my responsibility no matter how hard it is.

What you do in times of adversity determines who you become. 

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@Samuel Garcia

The fact that you feel unloved suggests that you've lacked good role models in your life. If you had loving parents, then you would learn that you are the source of your own happiness. However, if you have been neglected before, that can traumatize you to the point where you believe you are unworthy of love. The problem with feeling unloved is that you will act needy and desperate in order to fill that void. That will make people more distant towards you since no one enjoys being around a needy person. You need to face your feelings head on despite how emotionally difficult it may seem. This is an internal issue. That means nothing external can help you overcome it.

You state that you cry a lot and that is great. Crying is a sign of emotional purification and growth.Keep feeling your emotions until they change. Always remember that emotions are temporary sensations and if you just keep at it, you will start to see progress.

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You are being selfish. There's nothing wrong with selfishness obviously but its gonna lead to suffering and unhappiness. Notice that when you have these feelings of loneliness or that you are unloved, it's all about "YOU YOU YOU", you're feeling unloved, you're feeling lonely. You're feeling unhappy cause reality isn't going the way you want it to go. It's all selfish. Again, theres nothing absolutely wrong with being selfish but it leads to the suffering you're describing. Realize that if you need company, than you are a slave to it. The reason you think you need anything is just because you need it to preserve you. However, self-preservation and self-imprisonment come together. Be more proactive instead of dwelling on stuff that is going to make life a negative experience, like feelings of loneliness. Feeling your emotions fully doesn't mean to submit to emotions, it means theres no reason to resist them because there is no one to resist. Don't be a victim. This suffering is completely self-induced. 

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@Samuel Garcia All the nondual theory in the world probably won't help you.

At your age, just go out and make friends, have sex, get into some relationships. Consciously.

This is probably just a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs thing. Once you get some friends and you exhaust that game, you'll be ready for deeper work, bigger fish to fry.

Just don't get lost chasing friends forever.

For example, the more sex I have, the less I feel like I need it, or that it's important at all to my happiness. But it doesn't work this way for all people. Not sure why. Some people get stuck on it even if they get lots of it. Point being, don't be that person.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Samuel Garcia All the nondual theory in the world probably won't help you.

At your age, just go out and make friends, have sex, get into some relationships. Consciously.

This is probably just a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs thing. Once you get some friends and you exhaust that game, you'll be ready for deeper work, bigger fish to fry.

Just don't get lost chasing friends forever.

For example, the more sex I have, the less I feel like I need it, or that it's important at all to my happiness. But it doesn't work this way for all people. Not sure why. Some people get stuck on it even if they get lots of it. Point being, don't be that person.

 

I've mulled over this one recently.

Do you know people who get stuck on it despite doing it consciously? Ofc, you can't verify if they are being conscious, but from what I've seen,  I haven't really encountered addicts who seem/ claim apply awareness to their addictions consistently.

This seems like a key distinction in my own experience, as well.  Before I was really able to make progress on my addictions, it was all done compulsively, and I wasn't really able to observe the unsatisfactoriness and just how underwhelming the feeling was in the present moment. The story in my head and the associated thoughts and feelings were being reinforced rather than observed and deconstructed.

Also, there's the component of using addictions as a numbing agent or outlet from emotional labor. It's almost universal among addicts I've encountered. Whenever I've tried to help a friend of mine break out of an addiction by turning inward, they relapse almost as soon as the work gets too deep for their comfort.

Also, not having experienced non-duality earlier on had a pretty big role as well, as I had no alternative to really challenge addicting activities as the greatest pleasures in life. Prior to residing in no-self for an extended period of time, the notion that anything could rival, much less surpass, romantic love or personal achievement in terms of producing happiness, was laughable. 

That ties into another big distinction. At the risk of oversimplifying the matter, I've seen a choice in two different mindsets that will make or break you in transcending a behavior:

1) This feels good, but it's not ultimately fulfilling. Hmmm.... I JUST NEED MORE! (More extreme experiences of same/ quantity, etc.) 

Example: Having sex with that hot girl was fun, but I'm still not truly happy. If only I could do that all the time. Let me chase more girls/ hotter girls/ more extreme situations!

Example:  Damn, making one million dollars didn't solve my problems. I guess I just to go out and make even more money.

Remarks: It's clear to see that this approach is practically inexhaustible and keeps one stuck like a hamster on a wheel.

2) This feels good, but it's not ultimately fulfilling. This isn't going to work. Maybe I should try a different approach to fulfillment.

Example: You've noticed that experiences are inherently unsatisfactory and impermanent. Now you start looking at what lies beyond experience, if lucky enough, you encounter non-duality.

This isn't to say that non-duality is a panacea for addictions, but I think it makes a big difference in personal transformation.

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On 10/30/2017 at 0:42 PM, Samuel Garcia said:

Hey guys,

Any advice is appreciated. I am at university in my 2nd and feel really lonely. I have tried facing this loneliness head on and felt like I did well during the summer break and didn't feel lonely much when I spent weeks generally by myself. But now I have moved back to university and I feel so unloved (rather than lonely). I have not many friends and just feel nobody cares about me (which is probably the harsh truth). The things is I can make friends but I don't value just anyone -- only a few select people but they have their own life and own friends.

I feel deeply troubled by this and trying to deal with this by feeling my emotions fully but I can't stop crying my eyes out. This is quite emotionally painful because I just can't stop crying. Shall I continue with feelings my emotions? I just want to be happy or content. Thanks.

I felt this way before. What's your relationship with your friends like? Why do you care so much about the opinions of people who you don't feel value you?

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@Samuel Garcia  Google and Youtube search RSD.
They are the best company teaching pickup and ultimately how to love yourself.
It will be a long journey, but it will be worth it. And in the long run you can find great friends. Really try it out, it will be one of the best decisions of your life.

You can also meet great people here on this forum. A close friend of mine became friends with someone he met here on the forum and now they hang out regularly.

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