Azote

Getting My Shit Handled

179 posts in this topic

Growth?

Is it growth if the semester has same shitty grades, but with no phenotropil and chocolate and sweets this time?

Fuck no, I guess.

UPD. Rewatched the "How to study" video. Fine, I'm gonna do this. Although all this repetition and stuff seems really like something for dummies. No one really does that. Also, enjoying and not cramming sounds pretty far-fetched. 

 

Edited by Azote

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Week #16

General

Meditation

Not much this week, 10-30 mins, but every day.

Subconscious work

Some shadow work, one BSFF. For the next week, I have the cluster of  "I don't deserve anything (life, for instance)" since I burst into tears today in the shower because of that. Now I feel dept before the universe instead of gratitude. 

Career domain

Work ethics

Lost my paper sheet with the track of working hours, oops. But there were, like 20-30 hours.

It's amazing how my experiences associated with studying are entangled with those associated with food.

Education

With great luck, passed the final exam in physics. Still, have one big assignment to do. And huge-ass unrealistic plans for the next semester, of course.

Job performance

Somehow I feel that everyone around is slow and stupid, but I myself behave even more slow, stupid and worthless. Hm.

Income 

Nah. I'll try to make some next month, okay?

Money management

January went not quite as planned, but better.

Health domain

Exercise

Total slack off

Diet

Trying out 3 meals without snacks in time range 11.30-17.30. Weight is 67.4 (-0.1). Slowly slipping off from the strict diet, not concerned.

Skin

better, not ideal

Edited by Azote

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9 to 5 or self-employment?

Hah!

You are self-employed anyway!

You get it? Everyone is a president of their personal service company! No one is going to take care of you.

Thanks to Brian Tracy from my ego for this blissful option confinement xD

Edited by Azote

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Week #17

General

Ok, I was on vacation... It's awkward how university schedule totally determines my life. 

Meditation

Short sessions, just to keep consistency.

Subconscious work

Kepp digging into "deserving" issues, but not really intensively. 

Career domain

Work ethics

18.5 hours. Fun fact: since I started my tracking, there was only one week when I worked at least 40 hours. 

Education

Sooo, the term is finshed, and now I have the hardest semester of baccalaureate ahead of me. Shit.

Well, I do some preparations and stuff. Yes, I know that this report is blurry as fuck, which means I'm in low conscience state and I'm screwed :(

Job performance

~vacation, fuck it all~

Income 

Put some stuff on Russian ebay analog. That's great because I postponed this for ages.

Money management

Same

Health domain

Exercise

Almost total slack off :)

Diet

I guess I cheated about 2 times or so this week. So the weight is 68.1 again. Oops. I want to focus on setting up intermittent fasting schedule for now.

Skin

It's smooth and glowing, but with a bunch of post-acne and black dots. And I don't know why is that. 


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Week #18

Yay, took me just 1 week to go back to being same old miserable fat fuck from half a year ago almost completely.

I did a couple of things that made me proud of myself which I have never done before, yep.

But everything else is so screwed.

Good start of a semester, huh?

 


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Week #20 - Okay, enough with the slacking

General

Alright, I need to get back on track :) At least to write a report, even if it's not informative.

Meditation

20-40 minutes a day, all week. I now wake up earlier to meditate while my roomie sleeps. No one's stopping me) Also, this effect of realizing that my problems are sooo fucking insignificant and I don't have to worry starts to kick it.

Subconscious work

Nope, I'm kinda afraid of it now.

Career domain

Work ethics

Didn't do the tracking.

Education

bad :\

Job performance

same shit

Income 

no news

Money management

Keeping my journal, have a lot of unnecessary spending, especially on unhealthy food.

Health domain

Exercise

Skip trainings and even my PE classes

Diet

Weight is about 69, I guess. This week I aim for excluding wheat and dairy + intermittent fasting ~18.00-12.00

Skin

Quite okay, I suppose IF and drinking water have the most positive influence.


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Week #21 

General

This week was quite good. I underestimated the power of depressive music and other's negative moods. I mean, shit, "ULTRAnumb" have been my favorite song for years. What did I fucking expect?

Everything becomes better with positive music, affirmations and avoiding dickheads %)

Meditation

I forgot to meditate yesterday (as well as to brush my teeth and put off my contacts etc ). So now I'm on a new streak. The last one was about 4 months. I wonder if I can make it at least 20 minutes every day this time. Aaaand yes, I started to notice positive changes in my intelligence.

Subconscious work

Had 1 BSFF session on my recently discovered fear of being attractive ( employers, friends, boys, customers, anyone). I also had a handful of moments when I became aware of some limiting belief then cried for a minute or two with a pleasant relief afterward. 

Career domain

Work ethics

Put stickers "Smart, not hard" everywhere in my room. Fuck the tracking for this month, I say.

Education

I have some hopes now :)

Job performance

Now, this is still shit

Income 

Finally sold the last pair of VR glasses.  I hope that was the end of my lesson "never buy things for reselling without testing them on the market".

Money management

Journal is ok, but I still buy shit)

Health domain

Exercise

Got to both PE classes this week.

Diet

Weight is 68.7 today. Fasting and diet were not ideal, but I'm proud) I feel that I can do it)

Skin

Okay


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Week #22 

General

Soo, I set some stupid, inconvenient goals which have been haunting me since middle school. Because they feel authentic for me and I cannot let them go. A have to through the phase, ya know. The time is 9 weeks, till may 6th.

Meditation

Oh yes, 20 minutes every day. Aaand I started some kriya yoga as well, while I can handle it.

Subconscious work

Nope, not this week. Had a couple of insights, but that's it.

...nuff to say about career and education stuff...

Money management

Journal is ok, but I still buy shit)

Health domain

Exercise

Got to both PE classes this week, and handstand practice every day.

Diet

Weight is 68.8. So I got a bit fatter for now, BUT! This was a week of almost perfect 6-hour-window IF,  and I am fucking proud of myself.

Skin

Shitty. Too much junk. Also, I really really really shouldn't eat peanut butter and maybe peanuts at all.

Edited by Azote

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Well...

Oh fuck.

So I found out I shouldn't be a scientist. Yeah, because I have a record of unfinished shit, I still have this fear that this is just my inability to commit.

But I'm stuck. So stuck. This is not what should be happening when I get your LP handled, huh? 

Fuck.

I've been into this self-help thing since like 10 years old. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm good. Yet here I am, 21 and not being able to handle 1st fucking tier of needs' hierarchy. 

I'm so-so for the truth and progress, but guess what? I have been so scared of expressing my shit it got so-so uglier. When I could've just purged it and let go. 

21 year of my life dedicated to being stuck. 

I'm not sure if I should do art for a living, but I totally have to express all this crap. Yeah, some fucking ugly and sad pics to just wash it away.  

We were once asked to draw a self-portrait in an art school, and I freaked out and said "this is too personal" lol. No one can know what a miserable fuck I really am, can they?

0EOYVNikWs0.jpg

A fucking tidal wave of unresolved garbage is coming my way.

----------------

I failed my goals. I've set them again. But minimized version. I wanna get them. It's like I get them or I'm fucked. Forever. 

Edited by Azote

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Me taking notes on Leo's video about ambitions.

29hg6d.jpg

-----------------------

Now, really, this whole "go full out" thing pisses me off. How the fuck do you do that?

Edited by Azote

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I've been seeing ants in my dreams a lot lately, and the internet says this means I will soon do something I will regret.

Well, is it quitting college or not quitting college, I wonder?

Edited by Azote

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Cravings get smarter

-I can't have goals anymore. I exhausted this very notion. Now this word just means "a thing that I'll never get". I'm so tired of chasing results.I want no more goals. I...

- Ehm, are you, by any chance, trying to convince me that I need to grab a cookie and break my diet streak?

-...

-...

-fuck you

-love you too <3


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My materialism is a mommy issue

Welp, when your mother showers you with esoteric pre-rational shit all the time, meanwhile having a miserable life in all domains, you are bound to become an atheistic student of rationality and "aspiring" scientist. 

that's how metaphysics can mess with your career choices.

But I've been a lazy student, so I'm not even close to the sufficient exhaustion of rational methods. So I'm not really ready for post-rationality.

Guess It's time to go back to basic and pragmatic techniques and suspend this advanced "woo-woo" stuff like yoga or "connecting to infinite intelligence" for a while.


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Just finished my first ever to finish 80-page A5 sketchbook. 

Took a bit longer than I expected (I started drawing in it on 12.11.2017 ), but FUCK YEAH!

Such cases of my minimal consistency keep surprising me.

Wish me luck with tomorrow's math exam lol

 

 

 


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On 5/30/2018 at 9:26 PM, Azote said:

My materialism is a mommy issue

Welp, when your mother showers you with esoteric pre-rational shit all the time, meanwhile having a miserable life in all domains, you are bound to become an atheistic student of rationality and "aspiring" scientist. 

that's how metaphysics can mess with your career choices.

But I've been a lazy student, so I'm not even close to the sufficient exhaustion of rational methods. So I'm not really ready for post-rationality.

Guess It's time to go back to basic and pragmatic techniques and suspend this advanced "woo-woo" stuff like yoga or "connecting to infinite intelligence" for a while.

How can it even be a mommy issue?

It's a matter of awareness, not your belief system or habits.

If there's reasoning, then who is the reason of the reasoning? Who is reasoning? Where does reasoning take place? Who is asking questions? Who are you fundamentally? What is everything? Who is listening the voice that is reading this text as you look at these letters?

Mysticism equals rationality taken to it's absolute. There is fundamentally no difference. The whole point of science is asking questions and looking for answers. Rationality? Bullshit! You are not nearly rational enough! :D

Now here's the fun thing: avoiding investigating these fundamental questions by the excuse of rationality is completely irrational! And if a behaviour is not aligned with the reason by which it was justified than there's some other hidden reason for that behaviour. 

Maybe it's just scary? Since all your old worldview may just fall apart into little pieces to leave some place for something new. And the idea that all your life is a lie is incredibly terrifying.

Edited by Privet

 

 

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@Privet You're setting the plank too damn high here.

1 hour ago, Privet said:

Maybe it's just scary?

Look up to supercool post-rational guys, dismiss rationality without grasping its limits by yourself,  get lost in pre-rational bullshit and stay stuck for the rest of your pity life and die suffering af. All because of unwillingness to go through necessary stages of evolution. Yeah, that's fucking scary.


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39 minutes ago, Azote said:

@Privet You're setting the plank too damn high here.

Look up to supercool post-rational guys, dismiss rationality without grasping its limits by yourself,  get lost in pre-rational bullshit and stay stuck for the rest of your pity life and die suffering af. All because of unwillingness to go through necessary stages of evolution. Yeah, that's fucking scary.

1) Why dismiss rationality? I didn't say that. Discovering it's limits is the simplest thing possible, it consist of one question: who is aware of the reasoning?

2) What pre-rational bullshit do you mean? Pre-rational bullshit is called religion. I didn't say anything about religion. Practicing spiritual techniques with a good part of skepticism doesn't make anyone religious.

3) What are the necessary stages of evolution? Why are they necessary? Evolution of what?

4) Who looks up to a post-rational guys?

 

 


 

 

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1 hour ago, Privet said:

Why dismiss rationality?

 

2 hours ago, Privet said:

Rationality? Bullshit!

Jokes aside - you still set the plank too damn high. Yes, to evolve from stage blue one should strive for stage orange, not coral. If someone is stuck in a dependent relationship, they should go for independent first and only then for co-dependent. And if I suck at decision-making and being efficient, I will go for instrumental rationality, and not some fucking non-dual philosophy. I don't get it anyway, and I'm not going to pretend I do. If you get it - congrats!

2) No, but they can keep one stuck and stupid. And I didn't mean religion. I meant cognitive bias and laziness and blind belief in everything one likes to believe in.   

3) Of psyche.

4)I do

 


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11 hours ago, Azote said:

 

Jokes aside - you still set the plank too damn high. Yes, to evolve from stage blue one should strive for stage orange, not coral. If someone is stuck in a dependent relationship, they should go for independent first and only then for co-dependent. And if I suck at decision-making and being efficient, I will go for instrumental rationality, and not some fucking non-dual philosophy. I don't get it anyway, and I'm not going to pretend I do. If you get it - congrats!

2) No, but they can keep one stuck and stupid. And I didn't mean religion. I meant cognitive bias and laziness and blind belief in everything one likes to believe in.   

3) Of psyche.

4)I do

 

Oh, sorry to hear that, but if you don't get it (and are not passionate about getting it right yet) then of course, what else to do but engage in life more.

I didn't set plank anywhere. I didn't tell you that you should go some way. I just try to point that your rationalization of quitting spiritual practices might be because in stillness of meditation all the crap in unconscious is welling up to the surface, and it might be very hard to face it. In one of your posts you told that you can only handle 10 minutes and then you break crying. That might be the sign that you encountered what I am talking about. It goes like this: you meditate -> in the stillness of meditation you turn inwards and become aware of the negative emotions -> it hurts you, you turn away and your mind throws all possible irrational and irrelevant ideas why you should go some other way -> you think that the problem is somewhere else, meaning you distract yourself from discovering your pain, because it's painful. Ouch. And it's scary.

The danger of quitting here is that if you don't let the shit that you encountered to become conscious it will remain unconscious and it will drive your behaviour in such a way that you will become miserable to such a degree that you won't be able to ignore it anymore. And it's not the best way to go. It's a way to become successful miserable person neurotic to the bones.

Your rationalization is irrational. Consider questioning this decision. You close your eyes on all pragmatic benefits of meditation. It's like stopping going to the gym because "well, I'm not ready to be healthy, I don't get it, I should earn some money first", see how irrelevant it sounds?

Edited by Privet

 

 

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@Privet I suggest you consider rescuing yourself first. 


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