How To Let Go Of Insecurities & Jealousy?

[OnceMore]

In particular, the insecurity of comparing yourself to another person?

For my entire life, I have always been really bad at this, and am just always comparing myself to people. And it's always people who are close to me or people I know. I'm never comparing myself to someone like, say, Elon Musk or Mother Teresa, but rather it's just people I'm familiar with. 

And the things that usually pops up is stuff like "He/she is so much better than me". "He/she is so good looking, I wish I was that good looking because then my life would be so much easier". "I wish I was them because life would be much better". "They must have such an exciting life, I wish I was as adventurous as them". "I wish I was as successful as them" etc etc etc 

I think that some of these insecurities arise because I'm actually not happy in my own life. But as I'm working on my own life, and I have a good day where I'm doing good work and made progress that day, the whole feeling of doing good and progressing to make my life better comes crashing down if I'm reminded that there are people I know that are just way better than me at life. People who are just acing life, taking it on, attacking the day everyday, having great social lives, great sex lives, great jobs etc. 

And then I'm in the stupid victim mindset where I'm thinking that life is just so unfair, that some people are just born lucky. 

This is all crippling. 

It's difficult to not compare.

How do I stop this? 

And as a corollary: how do I stop the jealousy that occurs? 

This stuff is just annoying. I just want to get on with my damn life!

Edited July 5, 2017 by OnceMore

[OnceMore]

@Nichols Harvey Face it how though? I know now that the environment I grew up in was definitely messed up. 

But after knowing that, how does one move on from that? 

 

[egoeimai]

First you have to try and improve your own life. In the process you will remind to yourself that everything you do is for your own satisfaction and comparing is just an illusion. It's hard to believe,but we are all equally worthy. It may not seem like that,but we are. 

Also it's very important to be in their shoes. How would You feel if they were comparing you with themselves and they find out that you are superior? Would you feel better or worse for yourself ? Maybe you trigger them. Maybe they know you and they trigger that behaviour in you . Always look others with respect even if you think they don't deserve it. Logically they can't be better than you, they're humans so they make mistakes just like you, so it's just an illusion in your mind 

[egoeimai]

I think that If one can behave in a better way to others, this alone can heal the whole thing. Others are a reflection of us. Doing harm just shows you've been hurt. And so on.

Attitude Is very important factor.

 

 

[egoeimai]

I mean, they must practise it. 

If they were used to compare themselves to others, and then they decided that this is a bad behaviour that brings them unhappiness, they can undo it, everything's possible, it takes practise. I think people can change.

[egoeimai]

But you've already lived the past . And you did the thing you thought was right. I mean, everyone does that ,isn't it ? Past is past, I think.letting go is very important. If you think about the past, you are activating it. So what's the point anyways. None. I don't know what works for everyone. Not even for me. That's a thing you must first suffer to find out ...

[egoeimai]

Just now, Nichols Harvey said:

Yes absolutely. 

What im saying though is if a person grew up to be conditioned a specific way then how do they understand that what they were taught is wrong?

You can see It if you are suffering. I mean.Just simple awareness from pain. Everybody can feel it there's something wrong.

Just now, Nichols Harvey said:

Unless you actively try to understand the pain body and why it is there you are essentially still the same person with the same habits.

Yes of course you will be the same person but then you will change that for the better.! That's how it works. Sometimes you gotta do the difficult thing outside of  your comfort zone, even if you don't want to and your ego wants to avoid it,but that's what the price needs to be paid, that's worth it because change can bring that happiness.

[5driedgrams]

Please take my comment on face value, for I am learning and not trying to teach, just trying to share what I am learning about this topic.

I have been guilty of this myself. Firstly, call yourself out whenever you're comparing! Say "there I go again comparing myself to others" If you must compare, compare yourself to who you were yesterday. Just by acknowledging that you have this thought process or behavior, you will start to correct it. Comparing yourself to others is a bad habit!  How do you get rid of a bad habit? by replacing it with a good habit.  How can you replace this with a good habit? That might be up to you to find that good habit to put in the bad habit's place, but you could start by saying " this is a bad habit. this serves me in no way." Might sound like "well duh! I already know its a bad habit!" Well why do you do it then if you know it does not serve you? I physically say it (in my head) and then I practice my new good habit, which might be comparing myself to the me of yesterday, or fire off some affirmations in my head. Name five things I like about myself. Tell myself "I am excited to be making progress in overcoming this bad habit" to put a little optimism in there.

I am afraid to put my two cents in on this forum, for there are others who have been here longer and probably have done more inner work than me, but there I go again comparing myself to others again  

 

sincerely, good luck <3

[5driedgrams]

9 minutes ago, Nichols Harvey said:

@egoeimai

People don't change for the better though.

One example is my sister. 

She did a six week course of CBT and knows all the things I know.

But she is still the same person. Only these days she thinks she isn't  lol

She just covered up the past and now acts it out with her dysfunctional husband. Still playing out the same fantasies.

 

"People don't change for the better" should be "my sister* hasn't changed* for the better, not yet, at least*

 

She is not all people

[egoeimai]

@Nichols Harvey oh I'm sorry for that. It will get better someday 

[egoeimai]

I'm about to share my opinion even if you don't like it. I'm not an expert, nor did I claim to be 

[5driedgrams]

 @Nichols Harvey  No I am not. I would think that someone with such an extensive history in the field would avoid generalizing statements like "people don't change for the better" though. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way?

[5driedgrams]

@Nichols Harvey Gotcha

[egoeimai]

@Nichols Harvey  FIRST you MUST believe it, then you can achieve it.

It's a law.

So if it seems like a lie at first, you must believe in a lie and trust it.

It will work

But you must be so stubborn because the mind will persist and say the opposite and it takes practise 

[Loreena]

6 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

@Nichols Harvey  FIRST you MUST believe it, then you can achieve it.

It's a law.

So if it seems like a lie at first, you must believe in a lie and trust it.

It will work

But you must be so stubborn because the mind will persist and say the opposite and it takes practise 

I guess This is a visualization technique by Hicks. sorta law of attraction. ? right ?

So If I have a problem then I should write down the solution till I actually start to believe that it will happen. how is it ?

explain this law. kinda didn't get it. 

what do I need to practice  ?

Let's assume I have low self-esteem. or I am not healthy or I feel like My situation will never improve. this could be an inner sabotage defeating me. 

now how should I apply this law ?

what lie should I say and what technique should I  use ?

[Loreena]

7 hours ago, Nichols Harvey said:

Take a step back for a moment and look at the background context where "people don't change for the better" fits in.

It's in the context of:

"I've studied therapy for years and had years of psychodynamic therapy myself.  The type that Abe Maslow considered to be good for developing the self actualizing personality.

There is also a general consensus in the psychodynamic field that these kinds of quick fix shot term therapies like CBT amount to nothing much more than cognitive band aids on the problem.

The rise in popularity of this kind of cognitive therapy is down to health insurance companies only paying out for short term help"

 

 

So other than CBT what do you suggest  ?

because most therapists only come up with CBT

[egoeimai]

11 minutes ago, Loreena said:

I guess This is a visualization technique by Hicks. sorta law of attraction. ? right ?

So If I have a problem then I should write down the solution till I actually start to believe that it will happen. how is it ?

explain this law. kinda didn't get it. 

what do I need to practice  ?

Let's assume I have low self-esteem. or I am not healthy or I feel like My situation will never improve. this could be an inner sabotage defeating me. 

now how should I apply this law ?

what lie should I say and what technique should I  use ?

Yes this is by Hicks.

And back then when I was reading her book, day by day , I was feeling very happy. You see, the mind is just not so complicated as we think. If you feed it with positive lies, it will get better,you will feel better,and that's all that matters. Esther constantly says that nothing matters more than your feeling-good(ness). And I found that to be very true, who would think about you when you are feeling bad? Maybe those who love you, but who would take the responsibility and actually do something so YOU can feel better? I think the only person is YOU for yourself. And Esther says it's our job to lift ourselves up and never blame others,because they don't have control over us. There are many reasons I love her teachings. They make me feel powerful. And I really should re-read the book and listen to her YouTube videos, because that did make me happy, and I forgot that it did. ????????????

Esther believes very much in meditation, and she does that every day. Positive affirmations help very much as well. But Esther teaches that you must take the decision and care so much about your well being,and start doing something for that, she says it'll be a process, of course, she suggests every time going one step up to the emotional scale, so that law of attraction can handle the road from complete depression to happiness and joy which is the last step. She actually describes everything in her book. It's online,pdf for free, I printed it, and it's audio on YouTube if that helps you, I prefer the paper. 

The thing is because we've trained our minds to act and think like that, we can change it and think better feeling thoughts. If you watch any workshop of Esther s on YouTube you will see that in many cases when a person describes a problem he has with other people (mother,friend,boyfriend) she always says you are on your own and let others choose their way, so for me it's comforting , she says you have to be selfish enough to care about how you feel, and she gives the perspective that selfishness is not bad,because if you won't prioritize yourself who for will do that for you? 

Just brain wash with positivity. Your mind will start to believe it. 

[Loreena]

1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

Yes this is by Hicks.

And back then when I was reading her book, day by day , I was feeling very happy. You see, the mind is just not so complicated as we think. If you feed it with positive lies, it will get better,you will feel better,and that's all that matters. Esther constantly says that nothing matters more than your feeling-good(ness). And I found that to be very true, who would think about you when you are feeling bad? Maybe those who love you, but who would take the responsibility and actually do something so YOU can feel better? I think the only person is YOU for yourself. And Esther says it's our job to lift ourselves up and never blame others,because they don't have control over us. There are many reasons I love her teachings. They make me feel powerful. And I really should re-read the book and listen to her YouTube videos, because that did make me happy, and I forgot that it did. ????????????

Esther believes very much in meditation, and she does that every day. Positive affirmations help very much as well. But Esther teaches that you must take the decision and care so much about your well being,and start doing something for that, she says it'll be a process, of course, she suggests every time going one step up to the emotional scale, so that law of attraction can handle the road from complete depression to happiness and joy which is the last step. She actually describes everything in her book. It's online,pdf for free, I printed it, and it's audio on YouTube if that helps you, I prefer the paper. 

The thing is because we've trained our minds to act and think like that, we can change it and think better feeling thoughts. If you watch any workshop of Esther s on YouTube you will see that in many cases when a person describes a problem he has with other people (mother,friend,boyfriend) she always says you are on your own and let others choose their way, so for me it's comforting , she says you have to be selfish enough to care about how you feel, and she gives the perspective that selfishness is not bad,because if you won't prioritize yourself who for will do that for you? 

Just brain wash with positivity. Your mind will start to believe it. 

oh wow this is good. Thank you. 

[aurum]

@OnceMore

Yes, we all know that comparing yourself to others is a black hole because there's always someone better. And that even if you were to reach the top, your position is never secure and permanent.

So it makes sense to things like therapy, meditation, journaling etc to work out these issues.

But you what else helps?

YOU actually going out and putting in your best effort to have whatever is it you're jealous of.

The reason you're jealous that people are out there killing it is because you know you could be doing the same. So when you see others succeeding and chasing dreams, it eats at you. You're not living up to your potential and being who you want to be.

A personal example of this in my own life was when I started turning around my sex life. I used to be angry at guys who got laid and at the girls that fucked them. But what it really was is that I just didn't feel like I could be a part of that. I was jealous.

Once things flipped for me in that area, suddenly I could see that these people were perfectly fine the way they were. In fact, many of them were amazing people. I my vision was clouded by my own self-agenda to feel good about myself.

In the end, everyone has to make a decision. Do you want to be a hater and rationalize the lack of results you're producing, or do you want to push your limits, actualize your potential and be a winner?

The day you truly pick the second, everything changes.

[Arkandeus]

everytime you compare yourself or you feel jealous become very attentive, become conscious, watch what's going on inside your mind and heart. 
watch, watch,watch, start to pay real attention to this feeling. 

this is something that has to be fixed by paying attention in the heat of the moment,it's not easy
simply watch, don't judge, try to calmly get a hold of these feelings, to calm them down. 

you will notice that it's pretty much impossible, as if you're being taking over by the feeling which is true, but you will also notice that while you're being taking over you're also making a legit attempt at calming down the feeling and observing it and being distant. 

your consciousness will soon notice these 2 opposing parts, it's like creating a fissure in your consciousness, there are 2 very opposing forces and intent. 
it's like : ''hold on, one part of me clearly does not identify with this feeling and one part of me is under influence of this feeling'' 
to notice that is immense, when you notice that there are literally 2 opposing parts inside yourself and they are both you, but what this
noticing does it lets you chose which part to identify with. 
the very fact that you're feeling opposition to the feeling of jealousy is proof that you are not your jealousy anymore. 
it's proof that you've taken distance from this energy....it's proof that you've already let go of it to a point. 

and you didn't do anything specific did you? you just don't want to be jealous anymore, and so you already made some distance from that. 
just keep not wanting to be jealous anymore, even as you are jealous, keep not wanting it, but don't get frustrated, these things take time it's normal. 

the more you can sit calmly in consciousness while the feeling of jealousy is there, the more ridiculous it will seem to you to identify with this jealousy. 

imagine you're feeling all this jealousy but there's a part of you that's calmly chilling and it's like : ''oh I'm used to this,I'm just gonna wait till it's over'. 
as time goes the calm part grows, the jealousy part shrinks, till there's nothing left. 
what you feed emotionally grows, if you no jealousy, be calm and composed when the feeling arises,if you fully engage in the jealousy, you feed it and it grows, if you detach, it dies down