High-Conflict Divorce With Kids - Need Advice

[shree]

I'm 35, living in Germany, and currently going through a difficult separation and divorce. We have two young children, aged 4 and 7.

My biggest problem isn't the divorce itself, but the increasingly hostile communication with my ex-wife.

We currently arrange childcare schedules monthly by email, based on my shift work in Switzerland. This has generally worked, but lately even small disagreements, like being 30 minutes late bringing the kids back, turn into major conflicts and threats of family court.

She has hired a lawyer and has apparently been documenting things about me for years. I'm now being portrayed as abusive or violent, which I strongly dispute.

I'm worried these accusations could eventually damage my relationship with my children.

I'm also under considerable financial pressure from child support, taxes, housing costs, and rebuilding my life after separation.

I've contacted several family lawyers and am considering involving the German Jugendamt (youth welfare office) to establish a more formal parenting agreement.

I'd really appreciate advice from people who have personally experienced a high-conflict divorce involving children.

- What do you wish you'd done earlier?
- How did you protect your relationship with your children?
- How did you handle accusations, threats, and difficult communication?
- What mistakes should I avoid, especially regarding lawyers and custody arrangements?

Please, I'm specifically looking for people with firsthand experience of divorce, custody disputes, or similar situations. I'm not interested in speculation or advice from people who have no real understanding of what this involves.

I want to handle this responsibly, protect my children, and avoid unnecessary escalation.

Thanks to anyone willing to share their experience.

[trenton]

In terms of any similar experience I had it would be the separation of my parents when I was a child. I wouldn't know how to handle it from the parent's position, but I would like to address the harm toward your children. 

Firstly, your children are realistically going to be harmed no matter what given this kind of family situation. This is not healthy for a child even if you do the best you possibly can. Perfect isn't good enough in terms of what you can do. I'm sorry for your situation.

In terms of avoiding mistakes, I would want to warn against using your children as pawns against your ex spouse. They will realistically blame themselves given their level of development. You will need to help them understand it isn't their fault. My parents used me as a pawn, feed me lies, and excused their behavior through legalism. It is the idea that their behavior is okay if they think it is legal even if trust is shattered regardless. 

Be careful to avoid making legal excuses for betraying your children such as putting your name on their bank account and then taking their money, claiming you didn't steal anything because it was yours. Children don't care about legal technicalities when parents betray trust.

That is all I can tell you about divorce. I only know about it from the side of the child in my experience. I don't how to manage the courts though as that is another nightmare.

I remember that when my mom got a new partner, he was abusive and my father claimed he would protect me. This creates situations you might be tempted to capitalize on. All I can tell you on this front is don't do to your kids what my parents did to me after separation and constant court battles I never understood.

This is all I can say about these types of situations given my experience.

[PsychedelicEagle]

On 10/18/2026 at 7:17 AM, shree said:

She has hired a lawyer and has apparently been documenting things about me for years. I'm now being portrayed as abusive or violent, which I strongly dispute.

Could you start documenting things yourself on your side as well? To be on the cautious side. Journaling/documenting also brings peace of mind, and helps you reflect upon circumstances later.

[shree]

3 hours ago, PsychedelicEagle said:

Could you start documenting things yourself on your side as well? To be on the cautious side. Journaling/documenting also brings peace of mind, and helps you reflect upon circumstances later.

Yeah, i started doing that. No matter what, my intention is not to escalate the situation further. I just want a peaceful divorce, protect my relationship with kids, and my financial situation. But just in case she goes in that direction, i want to be prepared. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40eAPfR8yJc

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_FkyI48URU3zg4WyicD5w8FHcJbKJu9B