I'm feeling split inside my relationship

[KaRzual]

I'm approaching the 8 years mark in my current relationship. I'm 30 soon and my GF is 32. We're renting an appartment for 4 years now.

Since close to a year now she wanted to take another step and buy our own flat. 

What I was doing was running away and avoiding that. I think mainly because I was not and I'm not sure if she's "the right one". The point is - I don't know it after all these years.

She's a great woman for me. We went through ups and downs, but after all she was there for me and did (and still does) her best to understand me and fulfill my relationship needs.

And yet I'm still not sure. I went through anxiety and stiffness when thinking about buying a flat together and basically saying "yep, this is it, that's all for me" - meaning, that she's my final GF.

I don't want to leave her and waste such relationship, but thought of commiting is scary to me. 

I went to discuss it with my therapist. At the beginning he challenged me with the thought that I wanted to leave her, but I wasn't sure. I'm also not quite sure if I love her. But then, sometimes I will look at her and think about how wonderful human she is and I'm feeling love.

He also said that then I'm choosing to stay and I still wasn't so sure. I was and I'm lost.

After coming back from my therapist I opened up to my GF about my dillemas. I cried near her for the first time. I cried really hard. She was full of understandemnt and empathy for me.

For the past 2-3 years I wondered if something will happen and we will split. So it was really hard to plan for the things even like vacation together 

I thought - maybe I meet some other girl in the meantime, I will love her and feel that this is it. But it didn't happen. Of course other girls are hot for me, but it's not like I'm losing my mind because of it.

I'm really torn guys. I'm just not sure if "this is it" and on the other hand I don't want to lose a relationship like that - stable, full of understandemnt, with an honest, reliable and mature person, who loves me dearly. 

It's really hard for me recently, because last few months I was running away from it and went into distractions. But I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's time to make a decision.

And yesterday I sent her first links to apartments that I would consider. It was hard for me. I felt shivers running down my spine and anxiety.

And sometimes during the day I feel like investing in the relationship is the right thing to do, and in just a few minutes comes thought about ending it all...

But then - what is not right? What's missing for me? What I could get from other girl that I'm not getting from mine?

I'm really lost and hurting...

[Miguel1]

I will have to say this first of all.

If your GF wants children, you are doing her extremely fucking dirty.

So I truly hope it’s not her big goal.

Then secondly, what do you want from your relationship?

What are the pros and cons of your relationship right now?

Edited 7 hours ago by Miguel1

[Valach]

I know I keep using this all the time over here but you sound like a person with typical avoidant attachment with all the anxiety and realted stuff.  Have you explored that? 

[KaRzual]

6 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

I will have to say this first of all.

If your GF wants children, you are doing her extremely fucking dirty.

So I truly hope it’s not her big goal.

Then secondly, what do you want from your relationship?

What are the pros and cons of your relationship right now?

She does want children. I was the first one brining that up.

I want to feel happy and fulfilled in it. 

Pros: she's a loving person, she understands my needs very well, she's intelligent, caring and a good person overall. I feel that we share many values and views. I find her attractive, I love having sex with her.

Cons: I feel frustrated when listening to her and opening up to her. It has nothing to do with what she says and who she is. It's more about my and my body's reactions that I don't understand.

[KaRzual]

3 minutes ago, Valach said:

I know I keep using this all the time over here but you sound like a person with typical avoidant attachment with all the anxiety and realted stuff.  Have you explored that? 

I really wondered about it. I even made a test which showed that I'm secure actually...

I think I will ponder this topic on my next session with the therapist.

[Valach]

8 minutes ago, KaRzual said:

I really wondered about it. I even made a test which showed that I'm secure actually...

I think I will ponder this topic on my next session with the therapist.

I can gurantee you that just from the description alone, you are not secure at all. The online tests are quite bad around determining this - I feel like most insecure people would score secure in them.

[KaRzual]

She just came back from work and I'm wondering: "fuck, what is wrong with me I want to break up with her?".

Literally looking at her, sweet woman of mine. It's really messing me up.

And shortly after that doubts and second thoughts begin to slide in.

Edited 6 hours ago by KaRzual

[KaRzual]

I visualize having a flat and children together, it's a pleasant plan.

But then I lie on the sofa and unpleasant thoughts and feeling of tension in the body kicks in... It's really tiring.

[Jirh]

That's all normal. It's called indecisiveness and having second thoughts.

You're afraid of making a big decision that might alter your life forever, and your body is reacting out that fear. The tension and anxiety are signals from a conditioned system that is approaching a psychological change that is perceived as huge, which might not be huge at all except in thoughts.

Think about it this way:

Instead of asking: "Is she the one?", ask yourself: "Is the life we build together the life I want to live everyday?".

And I think you know the answer is yes. Because you listed many pros and not even one single con. And most importantly because you have been with her for 8 years and never felt that you're in the wrong place.

What you're experiencing are fleeting thoughts; What if this? What if that?

And none of them matter. Because they're concerned with potential not the actual. What truly matters is the actual thing that you have and experience everyday.

[KaRzual]

1 hour ago, Jirh said:

That's all normal. It's called indecisiveness and having second thoughts.

You're afraid of making a big decision that might alter your life forever, and your body is reacting out that fear. The tension and anxiety are signals from a conditioned system that is approaching a psychological change that is perceived as huge, which might not be huge at all except in thoughts.

Think about it this way:

Instead of asking: "Is she the one?", ask yourself: "Is the life we build together the life I want to live everyday?".

And I think you know the answer is yes. Because you listed many pros and not even one single con. And most importantly because you have been with her for 8 years and never felt that you're in the wrong place.

What you're experiencing are fleeting thoughts; What if this? What if that?

And none of them matter. Because they're concerned with potential not the actual. What truly matters is the actual thing that you have and experience everyday.

Thank you. Thank you sincerely.

In no way I can say: I was feeling bad last years. Or: this is not life I want to live.

But yes, these second thoughts make my body tickle...

[Hojo]

5 hours ago, KaRzual said:

I'm approaching the 8 years mark in my current relationship. I'm 30 soon and my GF is 32. We're renting an appartment for 4 years now.

Since close to a year now she wanted to take another step and buy our own flat. 

What I was doing was running away and avoiding that. I think mainly because I was not and I'm not sure if she's "the right one". The point is - I don't know it after all these years.

She's a great woman for me. We went through ups and downs, but after all she was there for me and did (and still does) her best to understand me and fulfill my relationship needs.

And yet I'm still not sure. I went through anxiety and stiffness when thinking about buying a flat together and basically saying "yep, this is it, that's all for me" - meaning, that she's my final GF.

I don't want to leave her and waste such relationship, but thought of commiting is scary to me. 

I went to discuss it with my therapist. At the beginning he challenged me with the thought that I wanted to leave her, but I wasn't sure. I'm also not quite sure if I love her. But then, sometimes I will look at her and think about how wonderful human she is and I'm feeling love.

He also said that then I'm choosing to stay and I still wasn't so sure. I was and I'm lost.

After coming back from my therapist I opened up to my GF about my dillemas. I cried near her for the first time. I cried really hard. She was full of understandemnt and empathy for me.

For the past 2-3 years I wondered if something will happen and we will split. So it was really hard to plan for the things even like vacation together 

I thought - maybe I meet some other girl in the meantime, I will love her and feel that this is it. But it didn't happen. Of course other girls are hot for me, but it's not like I'm losing my mind because of it.

I'm really torn guys. I'm just not sure if "this is it" and on the other hand I don't want to lose a relationship like that - stable, full of understandemnt, with an honest, reliable and mature person, who loves me dearly. 

It's really hard for me recently, because last few months I was running away from it and went into distractions. But I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's time to make a decision.

And yesterday I sent her first links to apartments that I would consider. It was hard for me. I felt shivers running down my spine and anxiety.

And sometimes during the day I feel like investing in the relationship is the right thing to do, and in just a few minutes comes thought about ending it all...

But then - what is not right? What's missing for me? What I could get from other girl that I'm not getting from mine?

I'm really lost and hurting...

Realize you are wondering if this is it for your girlfriend while imaging other random girls coming for you so you can say this is it.