My 12-Year-Old Cousin Seems to Be Giving Up on Life

[Monster Energy]

I really need some outside perspective on something that’s been on my mind for a while.

I have a 12-year-old cousin who I’m really worried about.

His parents are divorced and even though he loves both of them a lot the situation between them affects him quite badly. He feels like his mom sometimes tries to make up for emotional stuff with money or gifts but what he actually needs is more emotional support and someone who really understands him.

He loves his dad a lot too but his dad is very smart and puts a lot of focus on school results. My cousin is struggling in school and because of that he’s started to believe that his dad might stop loving him or think less of him if his grades don’t get better.

One thing that really hurts him is that he feels like he’s always the one who has to call his dad. He says his dad almost never calls him first and that makes him feel kind of forgotten or unimportant.

He also says he’s being bullied at school. People call him ugly fat and a lot of other mean stuff. The worst part is that it feels like he’s actually started believing it himself. His self-esteem is extremely low for a kid his age.

Socially he has a hard time too. He struggles to make friends and sometimes says the wrong things without meaning to. He hasn’t been diagnosed with autism or anything but there are some signs that make people wonder. Even so he’s honestly one of the kindest kids I know.

He really doesn’t like talking about feelings and gets upset or shuts down when the topic comes up so it’s hard to really understand what he’s going through.

Something else I should add is that he seems very attached to me. He often says that I’m the person who understands him the most and doesn’t judge him and that he feels safe talking to me. Because of that he wants to spend a lot of time with me and tends to stick very close to me whenever we are together.

Lately though what worries me the most is that he seems like he’s just giving up a bit. He talks like he doesn’t see a good future for himself anymore and he’s said things that make it sound like he thinks it would almost be better if he wasn’t here.

It’s really hard to see someone that young feel that way.

I guess what I’m asking is what can you actually do in a situation like this How do you help a kid who’s lost so much hope in himself and doesn’t really open up

Any advice would mean a lot!

 

[Sugarcoat]

Something needs to be done about the bullying at school. Unfortunately sometimes it’s the one being bullied that is forced to switch schools, but ideally the bullies and their parents should face the consequences instead. At that age it’s basically impossible to feel fine if you’re being bullied like that so it’s need change 

If it’s accurate description how the parents act then something needs to change there too. Seems he lacks healthy enough support and love from both parents . Being pushed to perform well in school while being bullied makes it seem like the father doesn’t even know what’s going on, becuase if he did why would he prioritize the grades . 
 

Besides from another adult communicating clearly with the parents, I can’t come up with more ideas now than getting help from the social services . Doesn’t necessarily have to end up in him being moved away from his parents, but maybe they could do something and make it clear to the parents that it’s a serious situation, sometimes the involvement of the social services can trigger people to think through things . I think

Since he feels good around you, you have opportunity to support him by spending time with him . But ofc you have to prioritize yourself too, so it’s just to the extent you feel works for you, but it’s kind of a short term thing that could help meanwhile the other stuff haven’t been solved yet , or if there is also someone else he feels good around. 

Also this is assuming that all the boy is saying is true, sometimes children can twist the truth, just putting that out there. 

Yea some thoughts. 

Edited 22 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Monster Energy]

10 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Something needs to be done about the bullying at school. Unfortunately sometimes it’s the one being bullied that is forced to switch schools, but ideally the bullies and their parents should face the consequences instead. At that age it’s basically impossible to feel fine if you’re being bullied like that so it’s need change 

If it’s accurate description how the parents act then something needs to change there too. Seems he lacks healthy enough support and love from both parents . Being pushed to perform well in school while being bullied makes it seem like the father doesn’t even know what’s going on, becuase if he did why would he prioritize the grades . 
 

Besides from another adult communicating clearly with the parents, I can’t come up with more ideas now than getting help from the social services . Doesn’t necessarily have to end up in him being moved away from his parents, but maybe they could do something and make it clear to the parents that it’s a serious situation, sometimes the involvement of the social services can trigger people to think through things . I think

Since he feels good around you, you have opportunity to support him by spending time with him . But ofc you have to prioritize yourself too, so it’s just to the extent you feel works for you, but it’s kind of a short term thing that could help meanwhile the other stuff haven’t been solved yet , or if there is also someone else he feels good around. 

Also this is assuming that all the boy is saying is true, sometimes children can twist the truth, just putting that out there. 

Yea some thoughts. 

Thank you for your thoughts.

His mother is already in contact with social services, but his father doesn’t know about the full situation. He also has a 15-year-old sister who cares about him, but she tends to laugh things off rather than talk about them seriously. So when it comes to deeper emotional support, it really feels like it’s mostly his mother and me.

I also agree with your point about children sometimes exaggerating or twisting the truth. My cousin has actually done that before. The strange thing is that when he tells a lie and people point out that it isn’t true, he becomes extremely upset and sometimes starts crying. It’s almost as if he repeats things so much that they become real in his own mind. Sometimes I genuinely think he struggles to separate what is true from what he has convinced himself is true.

That being said, I am convinced that what he’s going through emotionally is real. There is no way all of this is an act. He’s an incredibly sensitive kid when it comes to emotions, and the pain he shows feels genuine. Something is clearly hurting him deeply and affecting his happiness.

What worries me is that he often says he doesn’t care about telling the truth and that he doesn’t care about getting help. Sometimes it feels like he has already convinced himself that nothing can help him and that nobody can make things better.

His mother and I are trying every day to improve the situation, but it’s not easy.

One thing that both makes me happy and breaks my heart is how much trust he puts in me. He says very kind things about me and often tells me that I’m the only person who understands him and doesn’t judge him. Hearing that means a lot to me.

At the same time, I wish he could see that there are other people who love him too. He seems to reject anything positive that is said about him. He hates compliments and almost only accepts negative things about himself as true. Seeing a 12-year-old believe every criticism but reject every kind word is honestly heartbreaking.

 

[Lila9]

I am so sorry that he is dealing with this.

I would recommend making sure that he is protected from online bullying by his classmates via social media. I know it is difficult to do, but I think it is also crucial.

Is moving to another school is an option? Maybe a special school for high functioning autistic kids?

Also, in the meantime you can take him on dates to various cool places, or as simple as pizza restaurant, buy new clothes, doing a sport activity like running or walking etc. once or twice a week so he has something to look forward to.

This can help uplift him, build his confidence and self-esteem, and remind him that he is loved, important and valuable. Notice something positive and special about him and tell him regularly, almost like an affirmation. I am not a professional but you should definitely consider the option of reaching out to a professional.

In my country, there has been a phenomenon, especially in recent years, of children and teens dying by suicide, mostly due to bullying, but also because of other mental health issues. Often, others could not predict it.

A few months ago, my 15 year old neighbor jumped from a high floor in our building and died because he was bullied. Before he died, he took a month off from school, but the kids kept bullying him online, which was what finally broke him.

The next day, I saw in the news that another girl had jumped from a high floor. A week later, another boy did the same during a large event in front of hundreds of people. A month later, two girls who were severely bullied jumped from a high tower, one died, while the other survived with serious injuries.

This is very tragic, and what is most frustrating is that it is still not taken seriously enough. Nobody takes responsibility.