i am experiencing a strong psychological need to WORK and actually be paid, what now?

[Judy2]

so my current situation is the following: i got my undergraduate degree in English literature last winter (after 5 and a half years; usually this degree should take 3 years). it took me 2,5 years longer due to some mental crises along the way and the fact that, despite loving the language, i didn't have anything meaningful to move toward while studying it. had i known what i want, i could have done it in 3 years..but i don't know what i want and that is an ongoing problem. 

i am now in a new city studying psychology, but this is another undergraduate degree, as the German system does not allow you to convert to other subjects for the master's. i like psychology and there are several subjects i find really interesting, for example social psychology and also the neurological foundations of cognition and affect, which is something i don't know a lot about and it's rather enlightening to learn about. in general, psychology has always interested me on a personal level. it's just very intense in terms of the study load and i feel bad that basically the system considers all my efforts worthless as they are still considered "studying" rather than "working". i am experiencing a lot of stress trying to figure out my situation as i am not quite content living in a tiny apartment and still essentially not getting paid for all the effort i put into whatever it is that i do. i have good work ethic and i also experience a strong need in general to put my skills to good use, be appreciated for them, and feel like people can actually benefit from the things i am good at. i had hoped that maybe i could combine studying with already starting to work on the side, but that's something i haven't made much progress with so far. 

i love English, but i am not sure if the linguistic structures alone are meaningful enough for me to centre my entire life's work around, if that makes sense. i also don't want to be teaching very basic linguistic structures (like how to build the present tense in English) to German kids who are just starting to say their first words in English. but i do really love speaking in English. sometimes when i am on my own, i basically narrate to myself what i am doing, or when i do my make-up or cook, i'm essentially imitating an ASMR video lol. 

the confusing thing with languages as a career path is that they seem kind of devoid of meaning or like an empty shell, at least when it comes to rigidly teaching grammar or mechanically translating. i think for me this has had it's own appeal in the past, and maybe also personality-wise, it's been a relief or coping mechanism for me to reinvent myself as a competent speaker of different languages that aren't my native language...but i still wonder if that is "enough" for me as a career - and somehow, i don't think it is, and this has also been why i felt that i lacked meaning during the five and a half years when i was studying E lit. for me, it's not about how i say something, but what it is that i say, and i do want to speak and write meaningful words. so the whole picture looks different once we start talking psychology/maybe even sociology (or literary analysis, although that seems a little too far removed from having an impact on reality), and this add some dimension where i can maybe share some wisdom or personal insight - but there isn't necessarily a degree for that, or if there was, i'm sure it'd take five more years to get in Germany. 

i have three years of experience working as English teacher for adults (online), but that's not enough to make a living by any means. besides, my adult students' motivation is close to zero (as they have to attend as part of their training) and that isn't exactly fulfilling for me as a teacher. my hourly rate is pretty decent, though, so i just kind of tolerate it for now, because it's not like i have any other alternatives at the moment. 

in addition, i have applied to become a substitute teacher at a state school in the city i'm in now, but i'm not sure if this is actually worth it. it should give me some insight into the system, for sure, but the salary will be much lower than that of the teachers who have master's degrees. i've considered getting a master's (which would have to be related to my first degree), but i left that open for now, as i don't want to invest 2 years into a degree without having any idea if it reflects my career goals in the long term. 

to be honest, i'm just kind of frustrated with the German bureaucratic system and how it basically requires very specific combinations of degrees to get permission to work in any specific field. i can't just get three master's degrees to then figure out what it is i actually want. 

i've considered simply starting a website (i do not know how to do that - should i pay someone to create one for me?) and just putting myself out there, offering some kind of language coaching to adults/high school students who are about to do their A-levels. i think i'd enjoy working with that demographic as they should be going into it with some degree of intrinsic motivation and maybe there is demand for it, if only i start putting myself out there. i never tried that, so maybe that would be a start? and i don't have to do it forever, but maybe giving it a go would feel better than waiting and just thinking about the billion things i technically could be doing one day? the entire idea is basically that i want to participate in society and as i use other people's products and services, i'd feel so much better doing that without relying on my parents'/the state's financial support, but by being part of some kind of exchange system where my skills are actually worth something, i put them to good use and the appreciation pays off, so that i can finance my own consumption. sorry if this sounds super cryptic, it's just something i've been thinking about a lot. basically i need to experience a little more self-efficacy than i presently do, and i wonder how to achieve that. that's been quite stressful trying to resolve and i'm a little desperate by now. 

 

sorry for all the details; i'm just trying to paint the entire picture here and am hoping someone can maybe give some advice on how to deal with this entire situation?

Edited 2 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

basically, the problem is that i am so stressed out trying to figure out what to do with myself, and i'm a little desperate to find a solution. i just don't know how to actually put my talents to good use and do the things that will help me feel good in the present and in the long-term. 

[Majed]

@Judy2 Well this is a common problem, you have to basically figure yourself out to figure out your career. It took me a long time to figure out what i wanted as a career, teaching italian literature, and writing books in italian... But yeah you should i think expand your range of experience, start thinking and contemplating this question : what should be my career ? 

And you'll get many answers. Also don't pressure yourself too much, honestly just choose what you intuitively feel right to do and choose at the moment. 

Like when i started learning italian, years ago, i wasn't thinking about turning it into a career, i just did it because i was interested and fascinated by the culture and the language. And now i'm fully confident, italian literature is what i want my career to be...

Edited 1 hour ago by Majed

[Judy2]

@Majed it's so annoying being in my twenties. by the time i'll live in a beautiful apartment, work in the job i love and have some stability in my life, i'll have wrinkles and will have to start dyeing my hair. but i can't enjoy my youth or be present, either, because i constantly have to worry about the future, make decisions, figure out what to do and where to move. i hate it.

Edited 39 minutes ago by Judy2

[Majed]

@Judy2 Life is good. You can enjoy your youth and also be working on building a rewarding career that you love. It's up to you to balance it out...

[Judy2]

@Majed i'm really trying but i can't.

[Majed]

@Judy2 Your priority should be your career, and once a week you can relax and go out with friends, to a party, a concert...

[Judy2]

1 minute ago, Majed said:

@Judy2 Your priority should be your career, and once a week you can relax and go out with friends, to a party, a concert...

i know you mean well, but i don't think this is my problem.

i have a lot of energy and, like i said, good work ethic. that's not the problem. 

the problem is i don't know how to adequately use my resources to actually make good things happen in my life. the problem is i don't know what to do. doing it is the easy part and not in the slightest a part of my struggle. i could work day and night if i knew it was right, if i knew what to work on. 

[Judy2]

@Majed i'm sorry, i didn't mean to be rude.

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