Even though I know I’m God, my life kinda sucks

[PenguinPablo]

I mean all things considered it could be a million times worse. 

I’m not necessarily even complaining.

But like why have I imagined so many asshats — that basically have infinite resources relative to any other human including myself? 

and why have I made myself so hyper conscious… always been extremely self reflective… sensitive… existential… and I guess reaching such high degrees of consciousness is a byproduct because “compound interest” in these domains I suppose is the only explanation. You can’t really turn it off. There’s always a degree of it and it gets wider and wider even if incrementally — over the course of years it grows a lot so even if you fall asleep, the opening is kinda loosened permanently so to speak like a woman that’s given childbirth. Childish and sexist joke, I know…. Hopefully we can move past that or perhaps it helps illustrate my point, albeit it was crude and inaccurate.

Anyway, it’s interesting to be so hyper conscious and yet not really have any of your ducks in a row in waking life. Money wise. Friendships and relationships. Like am I retarded? To some extent it definitely shows the black pill nature of “money success”. You gotta go all in if your parents aren’t rich and not deviate until you get some runway. Artistic vision and idealistic perspectives crumble under the capitalistic battlefield of survival. Such naivety. Lesson learned I suppose. I’m also kinda absent minded and all over the place so it’s not just being poor that led me here, although it is “a” factor. 

Relationships, dating, and hell friendships… Truthfully I have no sense on why I struggle with that’s basically nonexistent for me.

Anyway, just got a bit introspective and wanted to write out some reflections.

[Breakingthewall]

Perhaps everything is so difficult for you because you've clung to a narcissistic, misguided, and insane spirituality that claims you're creating reality, when this is absolutely not the case. If a false idea forms the foundation of your mind, your whole life tends toward the wrong paths, and this translates into dissatisfaction.

Ask yourself a question: how do you know that you are dreaming the reality? If it were the case, why are you creating this really and not another? There must be a reason. This reason would be a limit, because it would limit the other possibilities. Then the entire reality would be limited for a reason. 

[Ziran]

3 hours ago, PenguinPablo said:

why have I imagined so many asshats

In all seriousness, what you're observing many describe as "birth-pangs".  The ass-hattery is a natural consequence, or perhaps collateral damage, of major transition.

[No1Here2c]

You make me wonder if we are exactly alike. Are you even there?

How do you know my complete internal workings?

You know exactly what to say in order to trigger empathy in me. But I wonder if that too is simply an Illusion? Where is the basis in reality? On some digital screen display? Pulling on my internal mechanisms through some specific targeted attack? Trojan horse words are they? And what now truly drives mine? Is it a place of pure intention? Or have I subversive implications?

I don't believe in you. You are from my last night's dream or some odd place like that. There isn't anyone there. Not in the sense I would initially assume or imagine.

It's simply, far too accurate. How do I believe such a thing?

Only someone who has my exact psychological blueprint or makeup could put out words in such resonation. I question whether they come from an earnest place or a place of attempt at catalyzing a response in several differing forms. Cognitive, emotional, & behavioral response triggering. That's what this is, surely it's obvious. Or have I gone mad? Have I always been?

Yeah probably.

It's hard to even comment of specific accurate points that have been made, as they all say it better than I ever could. Any words I add amount to reductions in its quality. Dilution of its purity. A static to the signal. Perhaps there are no comments being looked for? Are you a real human being? Like really real? Or just not real but kind of through my personal imagination?

Imaginary friend is better than none...

I do not necessarily feel myself to live from high degrees of awareness in daily waking life. I think if I did maybe things would be a lot easier for me. Perhaps some rare days I am in a slightly elevated state, but most of the time I live from a slumber unbeknownst to myself, as is the nature of sleep.

I do know, as a fact of awareness, that the consciousness embewed herein has occasional access to some incredible states of understanding, Insight, expansiveness, perceptual fluidity, interwoven connectivity, heightened degrees of intelligence, spiritual & mystical states, linguistic & interpretational capacities, dream adventures, voyages into the complete unknown & transcendental, divine miracle, reverential visionry, and more that it seems adding words here does not assist to describe.

Consciousness itself here has a recognition of Beauty & Imagination which is either lost or hidden amongst most of humanity.

This is not to say I dont have my challenges & derelictions.

The domain of survival is precisely as a war zone for me. An everyday battle from which i'm never sure i'll return. Deathly battlegrounds.

Between human relations, financial instability, concerns of long term health given the inavoidable toxins laced through modern 'luxuries', the capitalist system based upon corruption which I have faint dreams to be equalized. Inhumane treatment of not only our own kind but also the kind of other species. It truly puts me on edge everyday. Conscious of it or not I am in constant crisis mode. More often than not, of existential variety.

It is as if I have found myself lost amidst a chaos of nobodies choosing. Nobodies ability to arrest.

I have no clue, how even have I gotten here? Seems I must be dreaming.

The system has gone out of control and the only way for it to stop is for it to tear itself apart & rip itself to shreds from the inside out.

I feel to be at my constant breaking point. I am not upset about this. I love to walk the the brink of sanity. The most thrilling thing you will ever find.

The precipice of death looms overhead, a feared but almost welcome scythe to harvest when time comes ripe.

Again, I wonder if you are a real human being. It seems I resonate just a little too much with the words you have cast out like a lure, to catch my attention and reel me in.

A conspired trick in order to gather more of my internal blueprint? 

I wouldn't doubt it. Yes I would. Not at this point. Of course I must. It appears the only logical explanation at this point. Have I gone mad in this world? Or has the world itself been tipped over the edge of sanity? I being pulled along with it?

3 hours ago, PenguinPablo said:

Artistic vision and idealistic perspectives crumble under the capitalistic battlefield of survival. Such naivety. Lesson learned I suppose. 

Does Naivety ever learn it's lesson do I wonder.

What do you think?

Must be both freeing and frightening to put one's own thoughts & emotions on the line. It feels to go deeper, as if the entirety of one's being is being placed at risk of sudden dispersal or destruction.

Do I continue on? Are more words here ever going to convey the feelings within?

Is there even existant a recipient I would like to receive them?

I question it all. And I dont know why. I love to question. Why? Why do the very thing that will untether the only anchor left for me? So that I may drift free? To capsize along the endless sea?

Follow along

You & I shall see.

[No1Here2c]

Either way, thanks for making me wonder. Nothing else quite like it.

[Inliytened1]

5 hours ago, PenguinPablo said:

I mean all things considered it could be a million times worse. 

I’m not necessarily even complaining.

But like why have I imagined so many asshats — that basically have infinite resources relative to any other human including myself? 

and why have I made myself so hyper conscious… always been extremely self reflective… sensitive… existential… and I guess reaching such high degrees of consciousness is a byproduct because “compound interest” in these domains I suppose is the only explanation. You can’t really turn it off. There’s always a degree of it and it gets wider and wider even if incrementally — over the course of years it grows a lot so even if you fall asleep, the opening is kinda loosened permanently so to speak like a woman that’s given childbirth. Childish and sexist joke, I know…. Hopefully we can move past that or perhaps it helps illustrate my point, albeit it was crude and inaccurate.

Anyway, it’s interesting to be so hyper conscious and yet not really have any of your ducks in a row in waking life. Money wise. Friendships and relationships. Like am I retarded? To some extent it definitely shows the black pill nature of “money success”. You gotta go all in if your parents aren’t rich and not deviate until you get some runway. Artistic vision and idealistic perspectives crumble under the capitalistic battlefield of survival. Such naivety. Lesson learned I suppose. I’m also kinda absent minded and all over the place so it’s not just being poor that led me here, although it is “a” factor. 

Relationships, dating, and hell friendships… Truthfully I have no sense on why I struggle with that’s basically nonexistent for me.

Anyway, just got a bit introspective and wanted to write out some reflections.

You kinda said it yourself. It wasn't your priority because there are things of deeper value in life than material success.  I am the same way I'm just not as motivated when it comes to material success than I am in discovering what's true.  However I find as we get older what does matter is our relationships with others, though when it comes to romantic relationships it becomes increasingly harder to find a mate at a similar level of growth.  Though far from impossible. So sometimes i have to be more flexible and that is OK for me. But for now go back to what you do best..don't overthink.  Be grateful for your health, and your freedom.  You didn't put yourself in jail or the hospital due to your mistakes.  So you're not "retarded" 😀 you're quite brilliant actually- just be grateful for what you have.  To be conscious of another day. I try to be. @No1Here2c love it bud.  Yes we are all the same Being walking the walk.  Even the ones who don't share our outlook.

Edited 2 hours ago by Inliytened1