In need of wisdom - I feel lost (partly a public rant)

[TheBG]

Hey.

First off, I do have Leo's book list and Course. I am sure that is a fine enough place to start, but I don't believe it's the right time for me.

I will tell you my situation. It's not terrible, not insane. It's advantageous in some ways.

I work at a non-profit that helps people going through domestic abuse. I'm here getting paid very little, but what I get is work that feels like I'm doing something, okay. I have worked jobs that paid better in the past, but I ended up here for now.

I don't even know if I should share my whole story, but I will share some parts.

I have been here for around 1 year now. I started working here after I quit my last job to go all in on my side business, which failed miserably. I also did not even agree with what I was doing, and that was hard to work on because of that. My standards are higher and keep getting higher. It's at a point where I have a hard time doing the things those around me do because I am trying to minimize harm greatly.

After everything seemed to crash down, years and YEARS of emotions flooded me. It became too much. I ended up bedridden, barely eating or drinking at all, for months.

I ended up putting everything on the table. I had some minor guidance, but I made breakthroughs with my mind. I developed the ability to radically accept my emotions and see my thoughts as thoughts.

I essentially meditated all day for months. 

I have felt a growing, deep love for everything. I rarely get upset. When I do, it's caught and felt so quickly that it goes away. I have become an extremely understanding, loving person. In some ways, I already was, but everything got better. Now I feel light. I feel better than I have for years and years.

I found Leo's content. It seemed like the right timing for me. It was very helpful. I found it at a time when I was ready to hear it.

Anyway, enough about all of that. There is more to it. I have had some mystical experiences and such now, but that's not relevant to this post. Actually, I am not sure how much of what I said is relevant...

Getting to the point:

Right now, I pay a little bit of rent. It's not much. I have things I would not mind doing, but I feel stuck inside this consumption-perfectionism loop. 

I believe I have been in it for most of my life. At some point, fear took over. I stopped trusting myself. I have some insecurities as well. They are not as bad as they used to be. They often don't exist at all. I can feel it, though.

I have this gnawing sensation that it's time to START. To do something. To work on that project. My life purpose, if you will.

There are so many factors that seem to slow me down.

My vision is muddy.

There is someone named Joe Hudson on YouTube. The kind of work he does really touches me. I love people. I know it's related to my childhood abuse and trauma, but caring for people, fully loving, and helping them find what it is they have been seeking all of this time, the thing they always had, but could not see. That is amazing. Obviously, I would only help those who want to be helped if I did something like that.

So there is that, but I also love art. I have failed myself in this way, because I stopped doing it, but music primarily, then drawing, comics, film, poetry... Art is just amazing to me. I feel a STRONG calling to it. It feels as though whatever I create is really awesome. I don't mean to say it's "better" than other art. It's my own. I'm just always surprised by what can be created, and love seeing how it impacts others. 

I have studied content creation and online business for years, not taking much action at all. This year, I would like to change that. I am going to a conference in Canada (I am from the USA). It starts in 2 months and will be the first time I have traveled out of the country by myself (I am 23). It's about content creation. I will get to meet cool people like Dan Koe there...

The issue is that I have not made much content so far. I tried, but something doesn't sit right. I don't have a direction yet.

I can spew my thoughts out for all to see (everyone I know found my page), but it feels void of real meaning other than to expose myself to being on camera (I have self-image issues that linger still. (It's silly and only I care, I know, but it's getting better)

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With all I want to do, not wanting to copy anyone, not wanting to milk people for profit, along with wanting whatever I do to be in alignment with my life purpose, making basically no money with what seems like no real skills...

What do I even do? I feel as though I have been living life on repeat for years and years now. I have learned a solid amount. Arguably, what I have accomplished is bettering the mind. That's foundational. I have a lot of "work" to do, but things do feel clearer and easier now. I still feel lost in many ways. I feel as though there is something I need to be doing, but I allow myself to stay the same. Maximizing everything that is not taking true action.

I wonder if I should get a job that pays better, then reinvest that money towards health and knowledge...

It's kind of goofy. I realize that nobody can solve this for me. That I must see and do more. Learn and explore. If I want to solve things, it's up to me. I know all of this, and yet somehow I still feel a need to reach out here.


With my life, I just want to keep raising my consciousness, help myself and others to see their true natures / heal from trauma, be healthy, strong, and deeply engross myself within projects and art that have real meaning and are in alignment.

I have not mastered survival by any means. Even making 30k in a year sounds amazing to me. That's how poor I truly am. Yet somehow, I am happy enough, not discouraged, and feel full of life.

I think I have fallen into this "trap" where I feel great about having so little. I can tap into a state of peace despite everything. Then my survival pressures hit me like a truck. The dreams I have slowly floating by hit me. Not taking care of my health hits me... It's in moments like these that I see just how much room there is to grow. Sometimes I want to grow so badly that I shortcut where I am at. I accept that I am not in a place where I feel comfortable doing nothing at all times.

I wish I knew what to do next precisely. I suppose I should just trust my intuition and let whatever happens happen...

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I guess this post is sort of a mess. If anyone has anything to share after reading it, whatever it may be, I would love to hear from you.

You can call me out and be hypercritical if you would like. I don't respond harshly to any criticisms.

Any kind words are nice as well. Just whatever you feel like sharing. Maybe you could share a relatable story? Who knows.

Much love.

[aurum]

2 hours ago, TheBG said:

making basically no money with what seems like no real skills...

This sounds like your problem.

If you have strong monetizable skills, you will get paid. So commit yourself to mastery in something.