Help: I was sexually abused from 10-15 and it made me apathetic

[HopefulMan]

Afternoon guys, I'm looking for a path to try

I'm over 30 and I believe psychedelics are the only way out of my situation (maybe if I spend years on meditation I also could, but I have no idea)

When I say apathetic is that I just don't feel like doing anything. (I expand a bit more in the points below)

I could tell you all kinds of theory but I'll get to the facts to see if what I'm thinking makes sense:

• I was abused from 10-15
• That seemed to disconnect me from my emotions. 
  • Only the extreme ones are detectable (death of a love one)
  • But it doesn't stay with me while I've seen close people cry and feel sad for a dog that died over 10 years ago or my grandma who died 9 years ago
• I don't feel like doing anything, just the monkey brain stuff (eating bad foods, play video games, etc)
• Sex is not included. I feel like I'd love to have sex, but the experiences broke something in me (or disconnected)
• I've tried therapy and it doesn't work because most therapist are sheeps that don't look beyond what they were taught, they cannot handle people who think deeply about stuff (at least my experience)
• I did psilocybin and I cried a lot when I had my eyes closed. As soon as I opened them it was back to being apathetic. My eyes acted like a switch on my emotions. 
• I feel they helped, but just one round wasn't enough

I'd love to try psychedelics at a high frequency (without getting into dangerous zone) and I was wondering if I could do it myself, or moving to South America or somewhere in Asia where I could do assisted therapy at a sustainable price range (I earn minimum wage and being in Europe makes it harder or probably impossible)

I'm just looking for ideas from people who have a more open mind 

Thanks for your time. 

[Judy2]

i'm sorry you had to go through that.

you can keep trying with the psychedelics, although i don't have much input in that regard. what i would suggest though is that you can definitely supplement a psychedelic routine with a number of daily habits that can help you connect with yourself. journalling comes to mind....it might make you aware of some of the things that you didn't even think were there.

if you feel a lot of tension in your body, you might not know that there are ways to down-regulate this tension that will then help you access the underlying emotions. these are gonna be more of the uncomfortable ones (guilt, shame, fear, hatred, anger, despair, hopelessness, grief...) but accessing them temporarily - knowing that they can't kill you and they will pass - can open the door to other emotions (joy, desire, excitement, happiness, gratitude, hope, love, ....) as well. 

speaking of which, i wouldn't necessarily give up on therapy entirely, especially if you can afford it/insurance can cover it for you. sometimes it simply takes looking into a different approach or finding the right practicioner. if you have ptsd as a result of the abuse, have you ever looked into dbt?

Edited 20 hours ago by Judy2

[HopefulMan]

Hey Judy! Thanks for the answer

Funny thing is, I don't feel it was aggressive or a negative experience. I even remember seeking it. I just realized I may have had Stockholm syndrome

The problem with those things (from experience I am saying this), is that they are words and cannot feel a speck of emotions out of them. I can talk about the experience all day without feeling nothing bad (except resentment for all the pain it caused me), but nothing else. 

With psychedelics though I didn't have to force it and I cried a a lot (maybe x10000 times what I've cried in anyone occasion, not exaggerating, I just don't cry, let alone sob)

I haven't read the book but I thought of the book "the body keeps the score" and that experience was that, all body 

When crying I didn't feel emotions, I was just crying without control (super weird, but fascinating experience haha)

No, I have not tried DBT and there is no assistance for me to get a therapist. 

Again, thanks for your time

[bazera]

@HopefulMan Hey man, sorry to hear that.

I don't have much experience with serious trauma, but when I did Holotropic Breathwork many pent up emotions came up via crying, laughing, shaking, screaming, etc. I still plan to do more of it weekly, maybe you should try that as well. 

Also, I've been researching some other ways of trauma release, and I've found Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). It's couple somatic exercises with your body that causes shaking and trauma release, you could also do that, you can find instructions on YouTube. 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by bazera

[Ulax]

Hey mate, very sorry to hear you had to endure such terrible abuse.

I respect your determination to address the consequences that have stemmed from it.

I'd recommend looking into the diagnosis of CPTSD. (Sorta occurs when you've had repeated relational traumas)

Here is a useful resource too: http://integralguide.com/

I don't know too much about treating CPTSD through psychedelics, but it seems risky to me. But CPTSD treatment seems still in its infancy, so its hard to say what exactly works that well.

I'm committed to IFS therapy for treating my CPTSD but I've had too few results with it to give it a confident recommendation anymore. Tho it may be more an issue of how im applying it.

IFS is a very open minded therapy tho.

If you wanna go the therapy route there are probs therapists out there who work with cptsd clients that take psychedelics too, and help them integrate.

Edited 6 hours ago by Ulax

[Judy2]

@HopefulMan yes, i can relate to this problem of either not talking about things, or talking about them while being very detached and cut off from my emotions.

i believe there can be a gradual learning curve with this, though. 

it helps to stop yourself once or twice a day, maybe close your eyes, breathe, and tell yourself that you'll stay with you and your emotions. if you can't share your emotions with others (yet), it's okay to focus on feeling on your own for now, or to find points of connection that feel more accessible and less serious or grandiose.

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2