Help: I was sexually abused from 10-15 and it made me apathetic

[HopefulMan]

Afternoon guys, I'm looking for a path to try

I'm over 30 and I believe psychedelics are the only way out of my situation (maybe if I spend years on meditation I also could, but I have no idea)

When I say apathetic is that I just don't feel like doing anything. (I expand a bit more in the points below)

I could tell you all kinds of theory but I'll get to the facts to see if what I'm thinking makes sense:

• I was abused from 10-15
• That seemed to disconnect me from my emotions. 
  • Only the extreme ones are detectable (death of a love one)
  • But it doesn't stay with me while I've seen close people cry and feel sad for a dog that died over 10 years ago or my grandma who died 9 years ago
• I don't feel like doing anything, just the monkey brain stuff (eating bad foods, play video games, etc)
• Sex is not included. I feel like I'd love to have sex, but the experiences broke something in me (or disconnected)
• I've tried therapy and it doesn't work because most therapist are sheeps that don't look beyond what they were taught, they cannot handle people who think deeply about stuff (at least my experience)
• I did psilocybin and I cried a lot when I had my eyes closed. As soon as I opened them it was back to being apathetic. My eyes acted like a switch on my emotions. 
• I feel they helped, but just one round wasn't enough

I'd love to try psychedelics at a high frequency (without getting into dangerous zone) and I was wondering if I could do it myself, or moving to South America or somewhere in Asia where I could do assisted therapy at a sustainable price range (I earn minimum wage and being in Europe makes it harder or probably impossible)

I'm just looking for ideas from people who have a more open mind 

Thanks for your time. 

[Judy2]

i'm sorry you had to go through that.

you can keep trying with the psychedelics, although i don't have much input in that regard. what i would suggest though is that you can definitely supplement a psychedelic routine with a number of daily habits that can help you connect with yourself. journalling comes to mind....it might make you aware of some of the things that you didn't even think were there.

if you feel a lot of tension in your body, you might not know that there are ways to down-regulate this tension that will then help you access the underlying emotions. these are gonna be more of the uncomfortable ones (guilt, shame, fear, hatred, anger, despair, hopelessness, grief...) but accessing them temporarily - knowing that they can't kill you and they will pass - can open the door to other emotions (joy, desire, excitement, happiness, gratitude, hope, love, ....) as well. 

speaking of which, i wouldn't necessarily give up on therapy entirely, especially if you can afford it/insurance can cover it for you. sometimes it simply takes looking into a different approach or finding the right practicioner. if you have ptsd as a result of the abuse, have you ever looked into dbt?

Edited 8 hours ago by Judy2