How do you deal with the need for sexual variety in a long-term relationship?

[Valach]

3 minutes ago, LordFall said:

How do we go from having a fulfilling sex life and relationship to committing devilry? 

Deadbedrooms are quite common, something like 20% of marriages end up in that, that's on top of a 50% divorce rate. 

Read about it on here https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

If that's how you wanna end up be my guest. I would personally like to include all kinds of bdsm in my relationship as well as inviting other people into my married bedroom with the full enthusiastic consent of the partners I choose to have a long term relationship with. 

If you consider that devilry I will pray for you and the sex negative, religious and deadbedroom folks. 

 

While I do not agree with the devilry comment I consider your approach problematic as well. In my experience the more you satisfy some want of yours, the more you fuel it and it comes back stronger.

[LordFall]

2 minutes ago, Valach said:

While I do not agree with the devilry comment I consider your approach problematic as well. In my experience the more you satisfy some want of yours, the more you fuel it and it comes back stronger.

Elaborate on how your experience tells you that seeking to be in a fulfilling relationship, sexual and otherwise, is gonna come to bite us in the ass. 

This is a self-development forum. I hope that you guys have done the work to introspect on your sexuality and figure out where kinks or desire for multiple partners come from. It's something I do a lot myself and still need to piece together but I still think you're crazy for insinuating somehow that quest is a bad thing and you're better just be in an unsatisfied marriage and not even open up the pandoras's box of fulfilment for fear of what you might find there. 

Here's 2 good videos on the topic

 

 

Edited 6 hours ago by LordFall

[Valach]

It was my experience that the more sexual variability I was searching, be it with more people or a more "special" sex with one person (kinky, bdsm, you name it), the more I was craving it. Just like the more you eat, the bigger your stomach gets.

I found out that a lot of my sexual desire was actual a projection of other emotions. Need for validation, need for felt safety, for acceptance, to escape pain etc.

Once I started to feel more content in my life, more accepting of myself and my shadows, my libido plummeted.

Obviously it might be different with other people, but I can notice this trend in others as well. Back when I was doing a lot of casual dating and sex I noticed that a lot of the high sex drive woman were also very anxious people deep down.

[LordFall]

That makes a lot of sense. I am a gambling man though and I would bet that once you've solved the other facets of your life that you used sex as an escapism from; you'll be able to enjoy it to that same intensity if not moreso without sacrificing the other pursuits that are meaningful to you. 

Are there not really only two bad forms that sex positivity can take? One being forcing your desires/fetishes upon others but I would argue that's way more likely to occur in the sex negative space due to repression and lack of healthy outlet rather than in sex positive communities. Number two being that you get so distracted by sexual pursuits that you fail to actualize the other areas of your life like your business/career or your long term family goals.

I mean I haven't had sex in 2 years myself because I found it a distraction from building my business and my life up to the point where I want it. My business is almost giving me location independence and financial freedom though and you better believe that once that's done the description of what I get up to will be more appropriate for an erotic novel than a forum post. 

[Valach]

@LordFall

Those are some good questions brother and to be honest I don't have clear answers yet. By any means go pursue as much sex as you want without hurting people. It's just once I started asking myself questions on why do I desire sex and woman so much, it became clear that is it not just about sex.

I suppose it depends on where you live but I found sex positive communities just as troublesome. I have couple of friends who go to swinger parties and they are one of the most unbalanced and unhappy people I met. Just using sex as a numbing agent.

 

[Hojo]

@LordFall the post is about not liking regular sex. Thats cause he had alot of regular sex and it got boring and wants to do something else. That will happen with the next type of sex. And the next type and the next type.

Edited 5 hours ago by Hojo

[LordFall]

@Valach That's fair I'm sure they have shadows of their own, I've only been to one event of such nature I gotta go back. It was very odd, I had never witnessed a man in a dressed getting whipped before. I don't like the idea of joining communities I usually build my own but it's cool to go and explore how different people live.

@Hojo I think you're not wrong but it's also an untrue blanket statement. For example I used to be really obsessed about casual sex and the idea that a girl would fuck me only a few hours after meeting me. Once I did it a few times I figured out I actually hate it and I'm glad I got the validation from it but it doesn't drive me anymore. I met a girl one time that was a college student in a building which had a coffee shop that I worked at. We bantered a bit and she ended up coming to my place with a leash and handcuffs in her backpack. I was a big fan of that.

You can say it's a sort of hedonic treadmill type of thing but I would counter that it was much more about having the intimacy and comfort to explore kinky stuff without fear of mutual judgement and from having read hundreds of posts on Reddit of actual married couples detailing the good and bad of their relationship, I'd say the intimacy me and that girl shared from having known each other 2 weeks is more than SOME couples that have been married for decades. 

Especially once you introspect on why you pursue and crave certain things sexual or otherwise I would say it's an insane thought to simply summarize the notion as humans going deeper into devilry. I would say the opposite towards divine freedom. 

You don't think God is a pervert? 

[Hojo]

@LordFall the craving is always ego. Your dick dosent know which hole its in. All it knows its back and forth and cum. Your hand dosent know if its slapping an ass or a face. Your body dosent know whats happening your ego is orchestrating it and getting perverted. Gods not a pervert your ego is. The ego is Satan. Your dick dosent get sick of vanilla sex your ego does cause it always wants more and more. 

Edited 4 hours ago by Hojo

[LordFall]

7 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@LordFall the craving is always ego. Your dick dosent know which hole its in. All it knows its back and forth and cum. Your hand dosent know if its slapping an ass or a face. Your body dosent know whats happening your ego is orchestrating it and getting perverted. Gods not a pervert your ego is. The ego is Satan. Your dick dosent get sick of vanilla sex your ego does cause it always wants more and more. 

You seem to air on the side of demonization of human sexuality. Do you have some trauma around it or have grown up in a very religious culture? If so you don't have to share but realize that this is tainting your view. Sexuality can indeed be an unconscious display of urges or it can be a deeply conscious process of both exploration of the self and the communion with other. 

Your view on it doesn't sound healthy and I'm sure it's not pleasant to live and think that way. 

Edited 4 hours ago by LordFall

[Hojo]

@LordFallNo my view on it is what I first commented on that your in a relationship with someone to fullfill your sexual fetishes. It will happen its already happening. Im not demonizing sexuality I am demonizing you saying my partner is there to be my cumslut.

'A relationship is meant to fulfill you otherwise why be in one? Forced breeding? ' This statement

You cannot be fullfilled. This leads to domination.

First its im not fullfilled until I fuck a pussy, then its im not fullfilled till I fuck an ass, then its im not fullfilled until I face fuck a woman, then its im not fullfilled till I spit on her face. ect ect ect. Handcuffs or whatever. You might not like some you might really like some. But to think it will ever fulfill you is a trap.

Nothing in this life will give you happiness to fulfill you.

Edited 4 hours ago by Hojo

[LordFall]

@Hojo Are you regurgitating stuff you read online or have you deeply pondered this and lived through this situation to come to this conclusion?

It just seems like theory and not reality. As someone who's dated many women and had even more casual sex that's not really how I felt about the experience nor is it what I see in other men I know. 

Plenty of relationships are fulfilling. And I was fulfilled in them for a while until some lack of alignment and conflict presented itself that ruined the fulfillment of the relationship. 

It's not that complicated to find a compatible partner that enjoys sex as much as you do and to both have a mutually fulfilling relationship. You have to date a lot and introspect on yourself and work on communication skills. 

[Valach]

1 hour ago, LordFall said:

That's fair I'm sure they have shadows of their own, I've only been to one event of such nature I gotta go back. It was very odd, I had never witnessed a man in a dressed getting whipped before. I don't like the idea of joining communities I usually build my own but it's cool to go and explore how different people live.

 

I have been myself to these events. At the time I liked it, people felt open minded. However I feel like I have outgrown these things and I can now see that there is a lot of issues with this lifestyle as well. But it is still a step up from a the traditional christian purity culture, no doubt. It's just limiting in my experience. And obviously hedonism does not lead to fullfilling life. 

[Hojo]

@LordFall fulfillment isn't a thing that is for right now. Thats not what the word means. Yes I have lived through it. Nothing, no relationship, no sexual fetish will fullfill you. You are infinite you cannot be full. Its just a made up bs game.

I have had sex thousands of times, I have had many sdxual partners i have done kinky things. None of it is fulfilling you still want more. If you want more you are not fullfilled you are just misusing the word to appease to ego.

Even if you have a partner the partner will not fulfill you. Do you want them the next day? The next? Are they gone now are you still fullfilled? No then you never were you were just making shit up.

You can have sex 10 thousand times in anyway and you wont be fullfilled. Because its not about the sex at all. Its about being infinite and trying to fill that with something that cannot be filled.

You cant be full and you cant be filled until you are in God conciousness and then there's nothing to want cause you are full. That word is bullshit when talking about earthly things and desires.

If you have anal with a woman with a sexy booty. Do you want it again? That's not fulfillment. Thats egoic games that don't end.

Edited 3 hours ago by Hojo

[LordFall]

My man fulfilment means to achieve a goal that one set out to do.

If you haven't been able to find a fulfilling relationship then say that and speak for yourself. Or are you just repeating Leo's post on sexual fulfilment? 

19 minutes ago, Hojo said:

You cant be full and you cant be filled until you are in God conciousness and then there's nothing to want cause you are full. That word is bullshit when talking about earthly things and desires.

If you have anal with a woman with a sexy booty. Do you want it again? That's not fulfillment. Thats egoic games that don't end.

Have you had mystical experiences or are you repeating dogma? I apologize for criticizing you, the way you write it just not deep like you've not thought about it deeply.

If you achieve God consciousness you will then seek any human action or will you seek to fill your life with relationships and activities that fulfill you? You conflate awakening and cessation that's what I mean by I don't think you know what you're talking about

If I had anal sex with a woman I would of course want it again. If I was in a relationship with one or many women that would let me fuck them in the butt whenever I want to I would be fulfilled in achieving a relationship with open sexually women. After it's done I would then work on my business and work on causes that matter to me. With the beautiful women that are now in my life. 

I'm confused as to what exactly you're advocating for and why you're arguing with me in the first place. It seems like you don't have a point just objections. Like okay if we accept the premise that sex is not ultimately fulfilling then are you arguing for having an overall cohesive life that you've actualized towards your goals? Which I never argued against so I don't see your point. If you warn of sexual hedonism that's one thing but as I said it's a shallow point not very well thought out. 

[Hojo]

@LordFall I'm saying your hopes and fullfill do not come made up fetishes that you have made up that will fulfill you. And a relationship with a woman isn't about attaining these made up fulfillments. Thats ego and ego is forever hungry. I haven't thought about it deeply i have lived it. This is lived experience. I can never convince you you have to do it yourself cause you want it so badly.

You are literally pointing out in your statement how its not fulfilling while saying it is. You do it once to fulfill yourself, there your hopes and dreams are done. But no you are also saying you want to do it again. So your hopes and dreams are not fulfilled. How many times are you going to want to do it to fulfill your hopes and dreams? Literally infinite times! Wether its today tommorow next Tuesday next month or next year you will want to do it again. Therefore your hopes and dreams were never fulfilled and any sexual interaction with fetishes or vanilla sex will never fulfill you.

Edited 3 hours ago by Hojo

[LordFall]

I think you're putting fulfilment on a pedestal(which is not the definition) and taking it to mean after you've done X thing you will not have achieved fulfillment in all aspect of existence and nothing else will matter as you're now ultimately fulfilled. 

I think we can perhaps come back to common ground and agree that a relationship with toxic communication where the partner's aren't able to talk to each other and have an healthy sexual relationship will be less fulfilling than a relationship where both partners have worked through their communication and emotional issues and are able to have a fulfilling sex life full of adventurousness and openness. 

There are many levels to the quality of a relationship, surely you agree with this? 

If we're arguing semantics and you wanna use another word than fulfillment then we can use contentment or satisfaction. 

Contentment: A deep, lasting sense of peace and being "enough."

I think it's totally possible to find a relationship that satisfies your relationship needs(whether that relationship is with one or multiple, I am polyamorous to your point but still lol) and then focus on other areas of life. Especially we consider infinity and spirituality then being ultimately content forever is impossible that means that your fulfillment is limited. To be infinite it has to be continuously pushed further unless you ultimately aim to reach cessation and basically spiritual suicide. 

I don't know if you're a tech optimist and futurist but we could take this conversation much further and bring biological immortality into it. To be "fulfilled" now you just have to be in that relationship for like 50 years get your kids and grandkids and die. It seems like we're soon gonna massively extend lifespan and now relationships will exist on a timeline of hundreds of years and not just a marriage based on childrearing. 

 

[Hojo]

@LordFall Its not like writing a book or making a comic. You do those and they are done and you are fulfilled. There are many things in life you do over and over that never fulfill you. Including eating, eating will never fill you, drugs will never fill you, relationships will never fill you, sex will never fill you. These are the hungry ghost things.

If you can do it once and be done it can fulfill you if you have to do it repeatedly its not doing it. So even a sexual fetish can be fulfilling but not if you have to repeat it over and over. And if you do the sexual act and never do it again but still want it, it wasn't fulfilling.

Edited 2 hours ago by Hojo

[Eskilon]

Have to agree with @Hojo on this. If you want more it`s not fulfilling, nothing in life seems to be, because the ego is always hungry and greedy. 

But that doesnt mean that need for sex isnt there, it is there, but dont kid yourself that it will ever fulfill you.