I'm still not fully accepting this "hard work" and effort thing

[blankisomeone]

10 hours ago, Joshe said:

and you were plenty capable of handling it

That's my main issue, I don't feel CAPABLE of doing things. Even when I do do things, it feels like big effort and drudgery and so I PUSH through it. That doesn't feel like being truly capable, idk

[trenton]

10 hours ago, Joshe said:

@trenton Just curious. If someone handed you over a gig that brings in $50k/yr, and you were plenty capable of handling it, would that change your entire outlook or would you still feel stuck?

@Joshe I think it depends on what the gig is. If the gig is bagging groceries at Kroger then my employment record and experience is only going to qualify me for adjacent departments with no meaningful movement. If it also eliminates the option to travel due to the lack of flexible scheduling while eliminating the possibility of being off on weekends which interfered with chess, then I might feel trapped in a pointless grind. This served as a daily reminder of my fundamental lack of worth due to being a mere tool. This is part of the reason why I ended up even more depressed and hospitalized to the point that I lost that job.

What gig is it? How many hours will I be expected to work to get that kind of money? Is the work meaningful? Does it use my strengths? What opportunities would I have for advancement? What impact am I making with the work?

I think part of the problem might be that I learned not to believe people when they discussed career opportunities that would change my life and make me happy, especially if they say I can do anything I choose which probably isn't true.

Fulfilling work comes from being passionate about the right things. If your passion is something other than what is available and offers decent pay, then following your passion is a recipe for disaster.

[Joshe]

7 hours ago, blankisomeone said:

That's my main issue, I don't feel CAPABLE of doing things. Even when I do do things, it feels like big effort and drudgery and so I PUSH through it. That doesn't feel like being truly capable, idk

When you say "I don't feel capable", it feels like you're saying: "I'm not capable". 

By "capable", I meant something like "sufficient competence". So, it seems like what you meant to say is you don't feel like you have the "capacity", which is about depletion, not capability. 

You are capable - you do things, but it seems to me it is costing you a lot, mostly because you're fried.

Being fried is a state you can escape. The state has nothing to do with who you are. It's just a current constraint imposing severe limitations. So severe that it should be your top priority, IMO. 

[Joshe]

7 hours ago, trenton said:

@Joshe I think it depends on what the gig is. If the gig is bagging groceries at Kroger then my employment record and experience is only going to qualify me for adjacent departments with no meaningful movement. If it also eliminates the option to travel due to the lack of flexible scheduling while eliminating the possibility of being off on weekends which interfered with chess, then I might feel trapped in a pointless grind. This served as a daily reminder of my fundamental lack of worth due to being a mere tool. This is part of the reason why I ended up even more depressed and hospitalized to the point that I lost that job.

What gig is it? How many hours will I be expected to work to get that kind of money? Is the work meaningful? Does it use my strengths? What opportunities would I have for advancement? What impact am I making with the work?

I think part of the problem might be that I learned not to believe people when they discussed career opportunities that would change my life and make me happy, especially if they say I can do anything I choose which probably isn't true.

Fulfilling work comes from being passionate about the right things. If your passion is something other than what is available and offers decent pay, then following your passion is a recipe for disaster.

I think you're seeing a lot of things clearly, but one thing you might reign in is, it seems like you may have unrealistic standards given your current situation. Because when I posed a hypothetical $50k gig, you immediately asked if it's meaningful, uses your strengths, offers advancement, makes an impact. These are not really fair questions at square 1. 

At square 1, a good question is: does this get me stable enough to think clearly and slowly advance. 

You probably have more freedom and latitude than it seems, but we all have to operate within the scope of our situation.

The reality is that there are constraints. The way forward is to map those constraints clearly, and then find realistic ways to transcend/remove them, bit by bit. We can't jump from square 1 to 10. We have to intelligently and patiently climb up. For me, "clarity" of knowing how to climb up is my fuel. 

https://recorder.google.com/e24eb57b-b9ce-4b04-bf98-32481df98027

The path to what you want goes through where you are. We don't get to skip levels.