I'm still not fully accepting this "hard work" and effort thing

[blankisomeone]

10 hours ago, Joshe said:

and you were plenty capable of handling it

That's my main issue, I don't feel CAPABLE of doing things. Even when I do do things, it feels like big effort and drudgery and so I PUSH through it. That doesn't feel like being truly capable, idk

[trenton]

10 hours ago, Joshe said:

@trenton Just curious. If someone handed you over a gig that brings in $50k/yr, and you were plenty capable of handling it, would that change your entire outlook or would you still feel stuck?

@Joshe I think it depends on what the gig is. If the gig is bagging groceries at Kroger then my employment record and experience is only going to qualify me for adjacent departments with no meaningful movement. If it also eliminates the option to travel due to the lack of flexible scheduling while eliminating the possibility of being off on weekends which interfered with chess, then I might feel trapped in a pointless grind. This served as a daily reminder of my fundamental lack of worth due to being a mere tool. This is part of the reason why I ended up even more depressed and hospitalized to the point that I lost that job.

What gig is it? How many hours will I be expected to work to get that kind of money? Is the work meaningful? Does it use my strengths? What opportunities would I have for advancement? What impact am I making with the work?

I think part of the problem might be that I learned not to believe people when they discussed career opportunities that would change my life and make me happy, especially if they say I can do anything I choose which probably isn't true.

Fulfilling work comes from being passionate about the right things. If your passion is something other than what is available and offers decent pay, then following your passion is a recipe for disaster.