my mother's comments upset me in unpredictable ways and i don't know why

[Judy2]

okay so i'm currently in a phase of figuring out what's next for me in terms of university, internships, and jobs. this is stressful in and of itself and causing a lot of anxiety.

sometimes i talk to my mother about these things and she's trying to help, and sometimes she makes helpful suggestions, but every time she doesn't or misunderstands what i'm even working on at the moment, i feel disproportionately hurt and upset, even violated. even though i know she's just trying to help.

why?

why is the emotion there in the first place, and why is it so much stronger than any rational understanding of the fact that she's genuinely just trying to help. i feel like a bad daughter for not even being able to show her that i see that she means well.

 

feeling misunderstood by my mother is generally so painful. it's worse when it's about important things (like applications and finding a job), but it's still bad when it's about totally insignificant things.

i don't know if strangers on the internet can provide any insights on this. you probably can't tell me either. but i feel so broken because my emotions work that way and i don't even know why i react so strongly.

oh, and my mother and i sometimes try having rules about simply not bringing up certain topics because i notice they keep hurting me, but then we break these rules again and again and in a moment of connection, we want to talk again and share our ideas, and then she signals some subtle misunderstanding again and i feel so hurt. it's the same pattern again and again.

[nufan]

sorry , i just written something stupid here... i deleted it after

Hojo is right

Edited 15 hours ago by nufan

[Hojo]

Identity, you identify with your mother. Cut the cord.

Imagine a cord going from your belly button to hers. Say this is the cord of my shits to give about identifying with my mother. Cut the cord and call her a retard.

Edited 15 hours ago by Hojo

[Judy2]

13 minutes ago, Hojo said:

Identity, you identify with your mother. Cut the cord.

Imagine a cord going from your belly button to hers. Say this is the cord of my shits to give about identifying with my mother. Cut the cord and call her a retard.

yes i thought of this too. it's a bit like i'm bought into the idea that she has a say over who i am, and i'm very attuned to all her subliminal messaging in this regard. and maybe it's been going on for such a long time that it's not even something i have to think through consciously, i just instantaneously sense the threat.

do you mean cutting the cord metaphorically speaking in some visualisation exercise or do you mean i should go no contact (which i don't think is necessary/what either of us wants)? is there a way for us to keep having the same interactions without the emotional impact simply by me thinking of it differently (might not work?), or should i also change my behaviour (how?)?

Edited 15 hours ago by Judy2

[Hojo]

@Judy2You just have to know that this person has no authority over you anymore. Whatever they say about you has nothing to do with you.

Visualizations are good cause they can help you put action to it. 

Your conversations go certain ways because of these reactions you have and these reactions come from identifying with whatever retarded shit your mother is saying about you or to you.

You will change your behaviour automatically by understanding this.

You can dis identify with your mother, your mother cannot dis identify with you.

[Judy2]

2 minutes ago, Hojo said:

 You can dis identify with your mother, your mother cannot dis identify with you.

i don't know why, but this makes me sad.

isn't it mean if i "abandon" her?

i mean i'm kind of obligated to identify with my mother. it's cruel to say she has to identify with me forever and i don't. that's completely mean toward her. and it's kind of a sad thing to say about motherhood in general.

Edited 15 hours ago by Judy2

[Hojo]

@Judy2No its part of life. Your mother says hurtful things on purpose. They all do, its projecting. You can forgive her but you dont have to identify with her lunacy. Its like a chain around your neck that she knows she can pull. You have the power to cut the chain and say now what. She dosent. It will force her to be nicer to you.

You are just setting boundaries. You feel sad cause its your identity that is dying. Its just ego.

Edited 15 hours ago by Hojo

[Judy2]

@Hojo she doesn't even say anything hurtful at all. she's supportive all the time. i only feel like she's hurting me because i'm a bit weird sometimes.

Edited 15 hours ago by Judy2

[Yimpa]

i also have a habit of reaching out to Mom when things spiral out of control. i am learning to let go of needing her help and BAM i am able to resolve it all on my own. i  realize my own Mind is self-deceiving itself. then i can love and relate to Mom without all the baggage 

Edited 15 hours ago by Yimpa

[Hojo]

@Judy2 You can be supportive and hurtful. You are saying she is saying things that make you feel bad its not being weird you are sensitive and can feel the intentions.

[Judy2]

Just now, Hojo said:

@Judy2 You can be supportive and hurtful. You are saying she is saying things that make you feel bad its not being weird you are sensitive and can feel the intentions.

i don't think she has any bad intentions. i'm overreacting for no reason.

[Hojo]

For instance one time I was buying my grandmother a birthday present and I am looking around with my mom. We are looking I was thinking about buying a bonsai tree. She was telling me that I should buy something else because my grandmother would hate that gift. We looked around and looked around and she was telling me things to get. I go back and buy the bonsai tree and she is telling me that my grandmother wouldnt like it and shes just going to throw it away if I buy it. I buy it and she likes it.

[Judy2]

@Yimpa do you just completely avoid talking about emotional/charged topics then? or only bring them up after you have already figured them out on your own?

[Hojo]

@Judy2Thats going against yourself now you are a slave. You are not trusting your own body and emotions when they are telling you something. Being sensitive is a super power. You are never the problem you are just picking up things not being said.

Edited 15 hours ago by Hojo

[Judy2]

2 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@Judy2Thats going against yourself now you are a slave. You are not trusting your own body and emotions when they are telling you something. Being sensitive is a super power.

okay.

it's just weird because i think from my family's point of view sometimes i'm super unfriendly for no reason even though they didn't do anything wrong.

[Hojo]

@Judy2Were you always unfriendly? If not something made you that way. Something valid.

Sadhguru quote - 'This one is never the problem' This one meaning you.

Once you become the problem you lose the game.

You are in a simulation thats trying to make you the problem.

Edited 15 hours ago by Hojo

[Judy2]

@Hojo i'm friendly around friends and strangers, and when i get along with my parents. and when we don't get along, i turn a bit cold. but this doesn't happen that much with other people, only with family.

[Yimpa]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

@Yimpa do you just completely avoid talking about emotional/charged topics then? or only bring them up after you have already figured them out on your own?

The state you’re in (calm vs. chaotic) changes your relationship to the pain, but it doesn’t necessarily stop the pain. You might still feel hurt when Mom misunderstands. However, from a grounded place, you can feel hurt without spiraling into “I’m broken” or “I’m a bad daughter.”

The question isn’t really about avoiding topics or timing them better. It’s about: can you stay with yourself while feeling unseen? That’s the work. Family therapy helped me build that capacity. Not so I’d stop hurting, but so I could hurt without losing myself. hurt without losing myself. And advocate what i truly want to communicate rather than what i expect Mom to hear.

tl;dr I am discovering what it’s like to not perform for acceptance, but instead speaking from clarity.

[Judy2]

23 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

The state you’re in (calm vs. chaotic) changes your relationship to the pain, but it doesn’t necessarily stop the pain. You might still feel hurt when Mom misunderstands. However, from a grounded place, you can feel hurt without spiraling into “I’m broken” or “I’m a bad daughter.”

The question isn’t really about avoiding topics or timing them better. It’s about: can you stay with yourself while feeling unseen? That’s the work. Family therapy helped me build that capacity. Not so I’d stop hurting, but so I could hurt without losing myself. hurt without losing myself. And advocate what i truly want to communicate rather than what i expect Mom to hear.

tl;dr I am discovering what it’s like to not perform for acceptance, but instead speaking from clarity.

thank you. this really resonates♡

have you also struggled with feeling misunderstood and with difficulties to emotionally self-regulate?

Edited 14 hours ago by Judy2

[Salvijus]

I would guess it has something to do with repetition. Perhaps she made a remark for the 1000 times and you already know what she is going to say, and bam, she makes that same comment that you don't like for the 1001st time. 

I would go nuts also. It's an accumulative reaction with lots of history behind it. 

Edited 13 hours ago by Salvijus