The existential suffering is rotting me slowly that I never show anybody

[Lucasxp64]

I always hold all of this inside behind a façade of stability and knowing what I'm doing.

This image sums it up. This mix of so much inner suffering and ....

(Formatting done on purpose) 

"FUCK! THIS WILL TAKE FUCKING FOREVER AND SO MUCH EFFORT AND TIME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE GHOSTED! AHH I CAN'T MET HER! AHH I'm BROKE, IT WILL TAKE MONTHS TO START TURNING PROFIT OR GOD KNOWS WHEN. AHHHHH I HAVE NO PRIVACY!! AHHH! I HOOKED UP WITH THE NEIGHBOUR CHICK BUT SHE CAME BACK TO HER EX AND I WAS JUST A REBOUND, BUT SHE WASN'T EVEN THAT HOT ANYWAYS SO I HAD SUCCESS JUST BECAUSE I LOWERED MY STANDARDS! AHHH I DIDN'T EVEN THINK IT WOULD GO THIS FAR, AND I HAVE JUST 20 DOLLARS FOR EMERGENCY USE, I CAN'T USE IT FOR A BUS TICKET. AHHH WHY DO I KEEP WASTING TIME TALKING TO WOMEN THAT LIVES SO FAR AWAY BUT THE ONES THAT ARE CLOSE ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE ENOUGH ANYWAYS. AHHHH I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT KIND SKILL OUT OF ALL OF THOSE IS THE MOST OPTIMAL FOR BUILDING AN AGENCY!! AHHH WHAT IF I END UP GETTING STUCK AGAIN JUST AT SOME STUPID HOBBY PROJECT AND I DON'T ACTUALLY TRY TO FIND CLIENTS AND DELIVER ON A SPECIFIC PAIN POINT AND THEY ARE AWFUL! WHAT IF I PROCRASTINATE AGAIN THIS AFTERNOON, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND I SPEND TIME JUST MICROANALYZING EVERYTHING AND THE SUFFERING ITSELF FEEDS ON ITSELF AND KEEPS ME FEELING LIKE THIS AND KEEPS FEEDBACK LOOPING NEGATIVELY, AND I MASTURBATE PROFUSELY TO TIKTOK TO EASE THE SELF-ESTEEM LOSS I FEEL FROM NOT HAVING HAD AN ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND FOREVER. AHHHHH WHY I AM LOSING TRUST LITERALLY IN CAUSE AND EFFECT AND STARTING TO CREATE NARRATIVES THAT SEEMS MORE LIKE SUPERSTITION, AND I FEEL LIKE MY ACTIONS ARE MEANINGLESS. BUT OF COURSE IT FEELS LIKE SO, BECAUSE YOUR ACTIONS DIDN'T GENERATE THE BREAKTHROUGHS THAT WOULD HAVE FELT MEANINGFUL ENOUGH FOR YOU TO CALL MEANINGFUL BECAUSE YOU ARE HAVING A RESULTS-ORIENTED FRAMING, OF COURSE IT WOULD. AHHHHHHHH NOOOO... WHY HAVE A LET TIME SLIP BY FOR YEARS AND TENS OF THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF LIFE AND HAVE HAD ONLY THE RESULTS I DID. WHY DIDN'T I ACTUALLY FACE THE ACTUAL PROBLEMS THEMSELVES AS OPPOSED TO AVOIDING AND TRYING FOREPLAY PROBLEMS AND NEVER HAVING ENOUGH MOMENTUM... BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHY, I KNOW EVERY DETAIL OF HOW AND WHY I HAD WHAT I HAD, THAT'S BECAUSE I NEVER TRULY HAD THE INTENT OF ACHIEVING ANY OF IT, AND I ONLY HAD RESULTS TO THE EXTENT THAT INTENT LASTED AND WITH THE  ENERGY AND MOMENTUM OF THE EFFORT I HAD PUT FORTH... 🎯👀... I SEE IT ALL, AWARENESS OF HINDISIGHT SHOWS ALL OF MY MISTAKES CLEARLY, YET I AM HERE. YET I DON'T HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER, I don't have the income, the portfolio, the money, the place, the privacy, the logistics, the clothing, enough shampoo and a nice haircut, the dating life I need to find that high quality girl, the energy to run the whole full-time/part-time high-effort "business" of finding her. Not being worried and crippled and obessed about basic money crap like losing the data on my computer or my phone, or being able to try different foods to see which ones would be more dense so I feel less of a afternoon slump and have more energy, and the money for buying indoor workout equipment or the gym, and the protein intake, and them money to fix my teeth, fix the scars I have on my arms with laser treatement that a girl might see, the money to pay for investing in the business models I want to try, the money to have peace of mind that I can keep buying my eyedrops to avoid the painful the corneal erosians that I used to have because I have some dry eye syndrome specially when I'm focusing a lot in front of my computer, that I have the 20 dollars now for to go to the ER in the other city in case it happens so the doctor checks, which I can't use for anything else but that, and even that money was borrowed from a female friend that I wanted to date and had a crush on me 4 months ago. YET I DON'T HAVE YET THE ACTUAL INTENT TO DO SO. YET I STILL KEEP THE SAME KIND OF HOPE, WHICH IS ILLOGICAL TO USE, BUT YET I KEEP NOT ACTING ON IT FULLY BECAUSE MY RESOLVE IS WEAK, AND DAYS TURNS INTO WEEKS, WEEKS INTO MONTHS AND YEARS OF DISCREET EVENTS THAT LEAD TO THE PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES. 10 fucking years"

 

Edited October 19 by Lucasxp64

[Lucasxp64]

This is the stream of consciousness of somebody deep in the trenches, and this is only the tip of the iceberg of my concerns and problems. This is a feedback loop. And I'm quite versed in personal development theory, I know all the little tips and tricks, yet the amount of fucking work and problems ain't gonna disappear by itself. This standard of a 'having the good life' is carved through your fucking blood in an endless battle against yourself, loss of momentum cause by yourself, your environment and others. Specially if you picked goals in your life that are specially harder and you are not specially the kind of person that is into doing a lot of work for others and you're the intellectual recluse type, but hyper-aware and full of inner conflict and guilts which makes you bounce back to back like a monkey inside of a cage trying to align all of his inner values and tendencies towards the greatest points of inflection that will unravel all of that mess of your life that emotionally feels like an untameable mess, unless you keep your head straight, this gonna make you lose faith in cause and effect and strategic thinking itself, it will corrode your mind into a pudding that seemingly socially appear stable, but the long-term action taking is as stupid as thinking that gravity doesn't exist, in other words... You will lose faith that actions that gives results will give results, because your memory is rotten with your past failed attempts and your worries and concerns, and you won't be contextually aware to changes  that are actually giving you space to get the results you have always been seeking.

I think that by the point I start having the major results I want, I won't even think it's such a big deal of so much fucking shit I had to go through to even begin to pound into my brain to mould into a machine to get those results.

Edited October 19 by Lucasxp64

[Salvijus]

It's all just a story. 

[Lucasxp64]

11 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

It's all just a story. 

But the suffering of survival is still very real, and it feels like it's a machine meant to grind me down in slow motion. It even gives me time to sit down and meditate, yet it keeps on grinding after I get up.

I either chisel the ego into being more useful to its own survival, or there are no alternatives. I don't think transcending it would be a choice it will still exist, because I either chisel it into a tool, or it will get butchered by time into a formless blob of mediocre suffering. At least it will happen to die someday (which time inevitably will do), seeing a better shape I could have shaped it into.

Edited October 19 by Lucasxp64

[Salvijus]

52 minutes ago, Lucasxp64 said:

But the suffering of survival is still very real

If you can find a way to be of service to something bigger than yourself, then job becomes a joy. 

[Rigel]

Don’t believe yourself. It’s so easy to turn a 2/10 suffering into an 8/10 suffering just by using your mind wrong.

[Basman]

41 minutes ago, Rigel said:

Don’t believe yourself. It’s so easy to turn a 2/10 suffering into an 8/10 suffering just by using your mind wrong.

Genuinely. The most painful period of my life was objectively not that bad. It was 95% just how I interpreted my situation and chose to react. I was driving myself to feeling suicidal over how I focused my mind.

17 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

But the suffering of survival is still very real, and it feels like it's a machine meant to grind me down in slow motion. It even gives me time to sit down and meditate, yet it keeps on grinding after I get up.

I either chisel the ego into being more useful to its own survival, or there are no alternatives. I don't think transcending it would be a choice it will still exist, because I either chisel it into a tool, or it will get butchered by time into a formless blob of mediocre suffering. At least it will happen to die someday (which time inevitably will do), seeing a better shape I could have shaped it into.

You don't really need to transcend it. You just need better mental hygiene. Awakening the Giant Within is full of strategies for making your mind more constructive and solution oriented. Jordan Shanks on Youtube also shares a bunch of strategies for being more constructively oriented.

[UnbornTao]

Check whether it's truly existential. Is it actually there?

Pay attention to your objective, physical surroundings, and ask where the suffering can be found.

Certainly, existence itself seems quite "unconcerned and at peace."

So where is the suffering?

Edited October 20 by UnbornTao