Am I The Problem?

[soos_mite_ah]

Disclaimer: I don't want to hear from the pick up artist, podcast bro crowd and if things get even a little out of hand to where this coversation starts devolving, I will ask the mods to close this up or I will delete this thread all together. I'm looking for the opinion of people who are on the older than myself (30+) who feel like they have successfully settled down in their life to where they feel fulfilled. 

I have been with my current boyfriend for 3.5 years. We met when we were 22 and now we're 25/26. We have a healthy and supportive relationship, there is no question about it. We have been regularly talking about our future together and what that can look like. I don't have a ring on my finger yet and I'm not making announcements to friends and family but my boyfriend and I like to joke that we are "down low engaged" since we are actively working to build a life together and see if we are compatible in that way but we just haven't made it official. We both still have things to figure out in our lives from sorting somethings out careerwise, where we want to live and settle down, and if I want to have a kid one day (he's pretty certain that it's a no). There is no question that he is a good boyfriend and this is a good relationship. The question is whether or not we are compatible life partners and if we want compatible life goals. 

I'm feeling really stagnant with my life because I haven't been able to make the move cross country and transition out of my current job. The main reason why is due to politics. I want to work in foreign service and utilize my international relations degree however the job market is really bad right now to where the people I know in my field who have worked in this field either got laid off months ago and are still struggling to find work or they have a job that used to be relatively stable but now they are on constant edge due to the shenanigans in the Trump administration and they are being severely underpaid. I on the other hand have a stable corporate job that I'm excelling in when it comes to promotions as well as monetarily. I also have family members (and I myself) am keeping a watchful eye on how this is going to play out. If shit hits the fan and I need to gtfo of the U.S., this job is my ticket to do so. It's as simple as signing a few papers and getting a transfer. While I may not like having to be in this job longer than I expected, it doesn't make sense for me to make a move careerwise and I would be foolish to throw away a job that pays well, has good work life balance, has opportunities, and could be a ticket out if shit hits the fan. Nevertheless, I have made a plan to make the most of this job and the oppotunities that come with it so that I can actualize my goals. 

In addition to not being in my desired career, I'm also not sure where I want to settle down at. I have lived in the Dallas metroplex all my life and I have always wanted to know if I'm cut out to live in a walkable city as opposed to the concrete suburbia I have known my whole life. Something like that can impact my whole lifestyle and as a result, it can impact whether my partner and I are compatible. He is unsure about where he wants to settle down but he is open to trying new things even if they make him nervous. And it's like, because I wasn't able to switch careers, I haven't been able to move out of the Dallas area to explore what that life style would be like. And because I don't know what settling down looks like in terms of broader desired lifestyles, I don't know if my current boyfriend is someone who would be wise to marry. 

Then there is the question about having a kid. I'm like 70% sure that it's a no for me. But my issue is, I don't know if this is a *no, not now* versus a *no, not ever.* I definitely know that I don't want kids in my 20s but I'm not sure about my 30s and beyond. My boyfriend being fairly certain that he doesn't want to have kids isn't something that turns me off from him. If anything, it's nice knowing that at least one of us has a solid position on this. This is still something I'm trying to figure out within myself and I don't want to marry someone while I'm so unsure about such a big decision in my life. I don't want to marry this guy now when we're 26 and then have to divorce him at 30 because I realized that I wanted to have a child after all. 

How is he reacting to all of this? He and I are having very constructive and honest conversations about how we feel about a number of different life scenarios. We're pretty good at problem solving and we always say that one of our strengths in the relationship is that it's never been us against each other rather it's been us against the problem. He is also incredibly supportive and understanding in all of this where he doesn't want to rush me in figuring my life out and he feels like he is supported and loved to where he knows that I'm not trying to stall or do anything to avoid commitment. He has been very gentle with my throughout all of this, much more gentle than I have been to myself. 

But my thing is that I'm scared that I might be wasting this guy's time. I'm scared of the possibility of us getting to year 6 and realizing this relationship is not working and we have to go our separate ways to where I've scarred someone for life. I'm also scared of potentially rushing into a situation that is not right for me and that erupting in flames. I'm afraid I am this chaotic person that doesn't know what she wants out of her life and that I'm wrapping someone I love into my chaos and that they might be collateral damage in me figuring myself out. I'm afraid of the possibility that maybe one or both of us might be compromising major life goals for the sake of being together subconsciously. I don't want this man to sacrifice core parts of him to make a life work with me and I don't want to do that for him either. 

And now that I'm about to turn 26, I'm also sensing the social pressure around me. Maybe it's beause I live in the south but I feel like a lot of people my age are married and have a kid (or 3) or they are sure about what they want out of life and are pursuing that. And while I'm not in a rush to reach these milestones, I am concerned for myself in that I don't even know what I want yet and here people are full on making permanent life decisions. And sure, I don't know what's going on in other people's lives, how they have come to the conclusions they have come to, and if they are acting from a healthy and authentic place. But I am sensing an air of judgement when I tell people that I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. When I would tell people I've been with him for about 2 years, everyone thought it was cute and sweet. Now it's like *oh...... that's nice* and they seem concerned about why we have been together so long and there is no ring. I know there are people out there that believe that if you are dating someone for more than 2 years and you don't know if you want to marry them or they haven't proposed, then you need to break up. I'm definitely not about to rush into marriage because I'm not about to make a major life decision out of peer pressure. Even if my timeline doesn't make sense for other people, that doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense for us. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I said that the peer pressure doesn't get to me sometimes. 

[soos_mite_ah]

In short, is it wrong that I don't know what settling down looks like for me and I don't know whether I want to have a kid at 26? Am I too old to not know these answers and is it bad that I'm not ready to get married or make permanent life decisions? Am I the asshole for staying in a relationship for 4+ years as I figure this out instead of marrying my current partner? 

Edited Friday at 04:41 AM by soos_mite_ah

[Salvijus]

Realize that you don't know what anything is for or what anything means. Breathe. Abide in the "I don't know". From that space begin to ask for guidence and see what comes up. Look for a vision that fills your heart with a sense of freedom and expansion. If it's difficult to locate that feeling you can withdraw from all the noise of the world, somewhere in nature maybe, perhaps while fasting aswell. This would increase your connection with the Devine and enable you to hear His guidence better. Once you found the vision that fills your heart with the fire of life, have faith and move towards it fearlessly knowing the universe has your back. 

Edited Friday at 06:57 AM by Salvijus

[enchanted]

 

@soos_mite_ah  you are clearly thoughtful and emotionally intelligent and sounds like you are navigating the complexities of life in an extremely conscious way. So in many ways you have already won.

Even someone who is older and married, like myself, can't answer these questions for you. Imagine that you are the CEO of your life. @Salvijusadvice is pretty good, AI can have good analysis too. 

And don't worry about wasting someone's time. They aren't being forced to be with you. 

[Leo Gura]

You are so young. Of course it is normal for you to have all these doubts. At 26 you don't really know yourself. It takes until about 35-40 to really fully come to know yourself, your values, your dealbreakers, your personality.

More life experience is the best way to come to know yourself. Sometimes you gotta just err on the side of doing something rather than nothing. Mistakes are a big part of how you learn your values.

If you want kids, finding a partner who also wants kids is pretty important. Compromising on that probably won't work.

Do not be envious of fools who make confident life decisions in their 20s. That confidence is mostly fake and their lives are not as complex as yours because they are just doing conformity, not serious self-actualization like you. It is easy to confidently and mindlessly have kids with the wrong person. That is not something to envy.

Edited Friday at 10:47 AM by Leo Gura

[SimpleGuy]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

That confidence is mostly fake and their lives are not as complex as yours because they are just doing conformity, not serious self-actualization like you.

Are people oftentimes so confident in their choices in life at early age because they just do group-think and also they were indoctrinated into one narrative lifestyle from an very early age? Is that what you`re saying here?

[soos_mite_ah]

I can see on how it's not something to envy when it comes to making major permanant decisions when you're young. You never know what going on and if people are going through it in a healthy well thought out way or not. You never really know why someone is doing something (and hell, sometimes they themselves don't know). 

I will say that figuring our major life decisions in your 20s feels like you're taking a math test with 1 hour on the clock. I have a handful of calculus questions that takes 20 steps to do and I'm writing out a page for just one problem. Then, 30 minutes into the test I look up and I see that half the class is already turning in their paper. And it's like, do they do all the work? Did they copy off each other? Did they study and complete the test early or did they not study and just half assed it and turned something in because they gave up? Did they have a different test and questions all together? Did they guess through all the questions without taking the time to do the work? Or are they just smart like that and I'm just a slow test taker? Am I overthinking things and doing the wrong process in solving these questions and that's why it's taking so long? 

Then there is also the question of am I slow in figuring out my life or do I just live in Texas lol 

Edited Friday at 04:39 PM by soos_mite_ah

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I will say that figuring our major life decisions in your 20s feels like you're taking a math test with 1 hour on the clock

Life is a test that consists of only one question: will you chose love or fear? And you have all of eternity in front of you to descide. Life couldn't be more simple. But ego being eternally confused about everything makes simple things seem unsolvable. If you find yourself being confused, it's because you're consulting an insane mind, not the infinite wisdom of the heart. 

Edited Friday at 06:42 PM by Salvijus

[mr_engineer]

@soos_mite_ah I'd suggest that you have faith that the future will turn out fine. 

It sounds like you have been honest with him, he's seen who you are and accepted you for who you are. You seem to be doing fine, for now. Which means that you're currently doing something right. Even if you end up breaking up after a long time, it sounds like something both of you will grow out of relatively smoothly. And that's the worst-case scenario for your relationship. 

[ivankiss]

I'd choose being confident, strong, healthy and in love with myself and what I do, over choosing to be with someone that drains the life out of me and creates pain and confusion in our relationship every other day. I'd choose the path I'm walking a million more times, over and over again. 

Fuck being with someone or starting a family just because everybody else is doing it. They don't know how blind they are. 90% of those relationships are destined for failure. Mark my words.

Then again, the biological clock is kind of a thing, yes, but even that is overblown. I am a guy and I can afford to have kids much, much later in my life, if indeed I so decide. At this point, I am completely fine with not having kids too.

Don't ask anyone, that's the first mistake. You already know the answer. Just takes some courage to step into that truth.

 

[SimpleGuy]

18 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I can see on how it's not something to envy when it comes to making major permanant decisions when you're young. You never know what going on and if people are going through it in a healthy well thought out way or not. You never really know why someone is doing something (and hell, sometimes they themselves don't know). 

I will say that figuring our major life decisions in your 20s feels like you're taking a math test with 1 hour on the clock. I have a handful of calculus questions that takes 20 steps to do and I'm writing out a page for just one problem. Then, 30 minutes into the test I look up and I see that half the class is already turning in their paper. And it's like, do they do all the work? Did they copy off each other? Did they study and complete the test early or did they not study and just half assed it and turned something in because they gave up? Did they have a different test and questions all together? Did they guess through all the questions without taking the time to do the work? Or are they just smart like that and I'm just a slow test taker? Am I overthinking things and doing the wrong process in solving these questions and that's why it's taking so long? 

Then there is also the question of am I slow in figuring out my life or do I just live in Texas lol 

Boy, I`m 18 now and you perfectly described my situation now)

[nerdspeak]

On 10/17/2025 at 6:39 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

In short, is it wrong that I don't know what settling down looks like for me and I don't know whether I want to have a kid at 26? Am I too old to not know these answers and is it bad that I'm not ready to get married or make permanent life decisions? Am I the asshole for staying in a relationship for 4+ years as I figure this out instead of marrying my current partner? 

I’m 35 and have had multiple 4-5 year relationships and am in one now that’s going on three years.

Marriage doesn’t change much and you have many more years to decide about kids. No use backing yourself into a corner making decisions you might regret later, unless you actually *want* kids now.  

That said, I’ve lived in New York and Northern Europe my whole life, so women are generally cool with not getting married. If I were in the South, probably I would have gotten married in my late twenties and maybe I’d still be together with that woman as we would have made more compromises for each other. 

Would that have been better than my current situation? Maybe, idk. Doesn’t really matter, I’m fine with my current life.

Even if we’d gotten married and then divorced, that’s really no big deal unless you have a *lot* of money that will turn it into a big fight. As I’ve gotten older I realize the futility of planning too far into the future and just do what feels good for next 6-9 months. 

Edited 11 hours ago by nerdspeak

[nerdspeak]

6 hours ago, SimpleGuy said:

Boy, I`m 18 now and you perfectly described my situation now)

I remember thinking this way in my twenties. Over time I just realized the futility of overthinking and worrying about all this stuff, which is mostly, if you boil down to it, about status and thus pretty pointless, and anyway beyond your control.

You could have played it “smart” and got into finance in 2007, just before the GFC, and been forced to work 100 hour weeks for a year and then been unceremoniously fired. You could have been “smart” and studied CS like they told you to, and graduated in 2024 with no job options. 

The status and other surface-level stuff is mostly right place, right time. There are so many uncontrollable variables in life that what works for me is just doing work that’s fun for me and making sure I’m cash flow positive each month with at least a year of expenses saved. Anything good that happens beyond that is just by the grace of god.