My Dark Night of the Soul

[TheGod]

Around 3 weeks ago I decided to go on complete detox. I blocked my bios. I saved  the password on my phone and I would keep my phone in the lock box I had bought as well.

I started feeling weird the very first day which during next few days would become stronger and I also started feeling cold loneliness. 

Two weeks after I was on my day off and I decided to go for a walk to the bridge near the place I used to live. When I just set not to far from the bridge, I felt a tremendous fear and anxiety. It was feeling like my entire body was disappearing. I got spooked off and I went to the cannabis store for a vape. I vaped 2 days straight and I started jerking off on porn again. Weed & porn calmed me down a lot. I was able to go to the same place near the river and to meditate there sitting for 20 minutes so weed and porn are obviously my coppes. Then I decided to actually smoke weed once a week and watch porn once every 5 days (I’ve failed to it but it’s okay, I can do it I know). I also started to meditate 2 times a day 20-30 minutes each session.

4 days into meditation and no tv, netflix or any entertainment and no porn and things started coming up. I began to feel the emotions I had been avoiding all this time. It was literally overwhelming. On top of that I realized how shallow human life is (or rather the dark side of it) when I saw my rich boss and his unhappy wife (although they are rich and have 3 kids). I noticed their unhappiness and started to wonder why are they unhappy. It ultimately led to realize that we humans are doomed with unhappiness, thinking if we reach this or that we will become happy. It turned out not to be the case. But also, I think I concentrated too much only on that part which is ultimately isn’t real.

Canada post has been postponing my 5MeO-DMT vape and I need it asap. This molecule will help me to go through this period of pain realization, otherwise it’s too difficult.

I was crying this morning because I felt so fed up with living during my morning meditation and I also cried on the bus on the way to work and in the evening after doing EMDR. When I was doing it, I got to the point where there was just too much pain. I had had been traumatized so many times in the past and I was denying it. I had experienced neglect, abandonment, humiliation and I was ashamed by and laughed at dozens of times for years.

Basically, all my doings are designed to ran away from that feeling by all means: making friends, watching movies, picking up girls, gym, watching porn, pursuing career and thinking. All of the these are designed to keep me away from that feeling of loneliness. And what I realize is that if I hadn’t developed those copping strategies (although dysfunctional) I would’ve been dead already. The image of my perfect gf was designed to give me hope to find my second half to make me feel full and alive and loving. I think a lot of people are trying to ran away or cope with pain (emotional or physical), fear and feeling of loneliness.

I went very deep this time and I probably shouldn’t have because I had some thoughts about what is the easiest and painless way to do it or how many people committed suicide on Thanksgiving (turned out not as many people do it in October I asked AI lol).

I am going to take it easy, be gentle with myself, loving, accepting and forgiving, there is no rush.

I also need to focus on holistic understanding rather than just one side of polarities of life. What about humor, laughs, nature, cute animals and of course big breasted women? I am love at the end of the day (I remember).

 

[vibv]

@TheGod  You are loved beyond anything you can imagine.

You're doing absolutely great!! Thank you for the detailed report.

3 hours ago, TheGod said:

Canada post has been postponing my 5MeO-DMT vape and I need it asap. This molecule will help me to go through this period of pain realization, otherwise it’s too difficult.

Everything has its time, as you're already aware of  

Quote

I am going to take it easy, be gentle with myself, loving, accepting and forgiving, there is no rush.

Yes!! It's all about balance.

Edited yesterday at 07:40 AM by vibv

[TheGod]

15 hours ago, vibv said:

@TheGod  You are loved beyond anything you can imagine.

You're doing absolutely great!! Thank you for the detailed report.

Thank you for providing me with such a lovely feedback. Sending you love 

[Someone here]

Life is life . You go through ups and downs in and out of the emotional roller-coaster. I'm also not doing so well recently but I have had even more bigger difficulties in the past . And I'm grateful for everything I do have and I ignore the things that I lack. I basically eat a can of Sardines with some veggies and that's it for the day . Because I don't have enough money to buy fancy food . But some people in Gaza eat from the fucking dumpster dude .so be grateful for your work and your meditation and your porn.

I would say meditate more the more you feel sad. Spend all of your free time meditating and giving yourself love .no one in this world can give you love bigger than you can give yourself. 

Best wishes man.

[UnbornTao]

On 10/14/2025 at 5:39 AM, TheGod said:

I am going to take it easy, be gentle with myself, loving, accepting and forgiving, there is no rush.

This is the way.

Consider how much of your emotional and psychological pain is generated in your own head. A useful meditation is to get physical - either by engaging in a physically demanding activity or through deliberate contemplation. Ask yourself: What's objective here, right now? Notice that objects around you are always unmoved and still. We don't find suffering in the physical world of objects. This can then serve as a contrast in the mind, revealing the conceptual machinations at play, helping you let many of them go and be free from having to suffer them. Or at least, to create a space around them.

Edited 6 hours ago by UnbornTao