My Dark Night of the Soul

[TheGod]

Around 3 weeks ago I decided to go on complete detox. I blocked my bios. I saved  the password on my phone and I would keep my phone in the lock box I had bought as well.

I started feeling weird the very first day which during next few days would become stronger and I also started feeling cold loneliness. 

Two weeks after I was on my day off and I decided to go for a walk to the bridge near the place I used to live. When I just set not to far from the bridge, I felt a tremendous fear and anxiety. It was feeling like my entire body was disappearing. I got spooked off and I went to the cannabis store for a vape. I vaped 2 days straight and I started jerking off on porn again. Weed & porn calmed me down a lot. I was able to go to the same place near the river and to meditate there sitting for 20 minutes so weed and porn are obviously my coppes. Then I decided to actually smoke weed once a week and watch porn once every 5 days (I’ve failed to it but it’s okay, I can do it I know). I also started to meditate 2 times a day 20-30 minutes each session.

4 days into meditation and no tv, netflix or any entertainment and no porn and things started coming up. I began to feel the emotions I had been avoiding all this time. It was literally overwhelming. On top of that I realized how shallow human life is (or rather the dark side of it) when I saw my rich boss and his unhappy wife (although they are rich and have 3 kids). I noticed their unhappiness and started to wonder why are they unhappy. It ultimately led to realize that we humans are doomed with unhappiness, thinking if we reach this or that we will become happy. It turned out not to be the case. But also, I think I concentrated too much only on that part which is ultimately isn’t real.

Canada post has been postponing my 5MeO-DMT vape and I need it asap. This molecule will help me to go through this period of pain realization, otherwise it’s too difficult.

I was crying this morning because I felt so fed up with living during my morning meditation and I also cried on the bus on the way to work and in the evening after doing EMDR. When I was doing it, I got to the point where there was just too much pain. I had had been traumatized so many times in the past and I was denying it. I had experienced neglect, abandonment, humiliation and I was ashamed by and laughed at dozens of times for years.

Basically, all my doings are designed to ran away from that feeling by all means: making friends, watching movies, picking up girls, gym, watching porn, pursuing career and thinking. All of the these are designed to keep me away from that feeling of loneliness. And what I realize is that if I hadn’t developed those copping strategies (although dysfunctional) I would’ve been dead already. The image of my perfect gf was designed to give me hope to find my second half to make me feel full and alive and loving. I think a lot of people are trying to ran away or cope with pain (emotional or physical), fear and feeling of loneliness.

I went very deep this time and I probably shouldn’t have because I had some thoughts about what is the easiest and painless way to do it or how many people committed suicide on Thanksgiving (turned out not as many people do it in October I asked AI lol).

I am going to take it easy, be gentle with myself, loving, accepting and forgiving, there is no rush.

I also need to focus on holistic understanding rather than just one side of polarities of life. What about humor, laughs, nature, cute animals and of course big breasted women? I am love at the end of the day (I remember).

 

[ivankiss]

Thank God I never bought into the idea of paying a therapist to make me go crazy.

There is no dark night. There is only now.

Perhaps an inability to let out a tear or put on a smile. To feel. To forgive. To kneel and ask for forgiveness. To love. To trust. To be.

 

 

 

Bow down and kiss the ground.

[vibv]

@TheGod  You are loved beyond anything you can imagine.

You're doing absolutely great!! Thank you for the detailed report.

3 hours ago, TheGod said:

Canada post has been postponing my 5MeO-DMT vape and I need it asap. This molecule will help me to go through this period of pain realization, otherwise it’s too difficult.

Everything has its time, as you're already aware of  

Quote

I am going to take it easy, be gentle with myself, loving, accepting and forgiving, there is no rush.

Yes!! It's all about balance.

Edited 13 hours ago by vibv