My Game Awakening (Men/Masculinity Version?)

[Spiral]

Just now, Xonas Pitfall said:

@Spiral

What would you say is deeply feminine for you? Is it mostly that emotional depth? How does that manifest?

It is mostly the depth and it being a stark contrast to us. I’m not sure what you mean by manifest, if you mean how women show their emotions. It mostly body language, tonality of voice and such.

If you mean, how it makes us behave, generally more romantic and sexual interest.

It is attractive in every aspect of life. Positive and negative emotions. A boring dead fish in bed, doesn’t appeal to men, partly for the same reason.

Play, the original topic of this thread is to me as a guy to make women feel emotions. We can experience them through her. Which we like. Besides the obvious appeal of potentially getting her interested in us of course. We do want to get laid more generally than the emotional aspects.

As for why people generally don’t talk about this? It’s partly because men talk about that attracts them sexually, which to greater degree is appearance. But also because men don’t understand what attracts them. It’s not important to us. Who is more important than why.

Men might say they like a guy friend(mentally) with tits and so on. But they won’t actually in a romantic sense.

Women generally don’t understand what attracts them either. People just talk about what they like. Men like tits like Leo says, and we do. But it’s not very useful advice.

[Spiral]

I don’t know if this has any practical application. Beyond stressing the importance of authenticity, emotional openness and so on.

I do not think faking it is a good idea.

[Xonas Pitfall]

No worries at all, I'm not considering faking it or anything. I'm just genuinely curious about people’s desires and unconscious/conscious perceptions, especially in intimate contexts.

In a practical sense, beyond simply understanding and satisfying my curiosity, it helps me notice and bring out my personality traits, especially if I’m more anxious, shy, or unsure whether they’re accepted. It can also be helpful to know that certain things are actually liked to some extent, which allows me to express them more freely if I know it’ll make someone happier or add meaning. I'm not considering this to be manipulative or anything, I just enjoy understanding and maximizing the overall potential happiness in the relationship.

I agree, I feel like both genders can be pretty self-deceived when it comes to what they actually respond to.

It’s also helpful because I used to think this sort of thing was largely seen as unappealing. A lot of men often play it off or mock women for being "dramatic," "illogical," or too emotionally fluid, but it seems like, to a healthy extent, that kind of emotional depth is deeply desirable, based on your words. That’s really interesting to note. Thank you  

I’d love to hear more traits you tend to appreciate (and don’t overthink whether you respond to them or not, I just want to hear your unfiltered, raw thoughts, to be honest. Like Leo says: truth and rawness are good values to have). But no pressure, of course. I know I’ve already asked you a lot! Thanks again

[Spiral]

@Xonas Pitfall A man who’s not good with women will bring out the “wrong” emotions in her. It is of course foolish to blame her, and call her too emotional for this. But if a guy do not know any better a he might do so.

Generally I would say cute is better than sexy. If we are talking about getting romantic interest. Shy can be apart of that, but it doesn’t have to be.

Guys really appreciate being respected, or rather hate being disrespected. However this often comes from not showing the woman enough love and affection. From a guys perspective this is often irrational because they not directly correlated.

This doesn’t mean you should treat them any differently when a close friend in regards to respect. It’s so often I see girl trashtalk their boyfriend, guys hate this.

Otherwise, being kind, open minded in general, not being so quick to judgement. 

Being kind, isn’t just to us, it’s to everyone. We notice that.

Any trait, any good mother would have. Although I don’t mean to say you should treat him like your child. It is about you being able to be a good to our child if we have them.

Humility, modesty, confidence can be appealing if done right, have boundaries.  Being physical is something I like, hugs and stuff like that. We might pretend or appear that like we don’t care about I but we do.

Otherwise I do not know.  Guys do not like to compete with either other guys for a particular girl. That is a common misconception.

Edited Wednesday at 05:12 PM by Spiral

[RendHeaven]

It's tits.

[Emerald]

On 7/22/2025 at 10:18 PM, Xonas Pitfall said:

What would be the male version of this?
Attractive interaction with men is about one thing: Openness? Reactivity?

Or maybe it all just points to "play", just expressed through different playstyles.

Haha, funny... the key insight to 🎮 🕹️ GAME is PLAY! 🎮 🕹️

Are you asking about what attracts men? (Also, if you don't mind my asking, are you a woman or man?)

If you're a man who wants to attract a man, I can't help you there because it's not something I'm experienced with.

But if you're a woman...

Honestly... the secret is just being a woman. 

Women are already attractive to heterosexual men. So, we don't have to come up with any crazy strategies to attract them.

It's like birds... where the female bird sits there and the male bird comes up and does all sorts of crazy dances to impress her. The female bird doesn't have to do anything other than simply be a female bird and say "yes" or "no".

And even going into strategic thinking about how to attract men puts us more in our Masculine, which is less attractive.

So, the key is to NEVER do anything to deliberately attract a man. Instead, just do what makes you feel good and invest in taking care of yourself for your own enjoyment... whatever that might look like.

And stay connected deeply with your intuition and your feelings so that you can properly sort the men you like from the ones you don't like. And be willing to walk away from men who can't/won't provide for you the type of relationship experience you want to have.

And just focus on having a good time and enjoying the experience. 

That's really all you need is to enjoy yourself. 

Consider this... women appreciate a man who's funny, while men like women who laugh at their jokes.

So, women don't need to learn any humor skills or to learn how to be playful, but simply be open to enjoying the guy's bird dance... but ONLY IF she actually enjoys the bird dance.

So, if a guy is being playful with you and you genuinely like it, just enjoy his playfulness and laugh at him. That will let him know his dance is having an effect. (But don't do this as a tactic. Just enjoy what you enjoy.)

So, never focus on attracting a man. Instead, just focus on feeling good and being in the moment.

Attraction is a male problem that men need to solve. Sorting is a female problem that women need to solve.

The issue is that we live in a society that makes women feel like we're the ones who need to do the mating dance and hyper focus on being attractive. But this puts us in our Masculine... as it is always the male that does the mating dance in nature.

And getting us to focus so much on doing the mating dance and being attractive distracts us from our real task... which is sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Instead, just know that you'll be attractive to the right guy... and sort ruthlessly until you find the relationships dynamic you really want. And when you do, just feel and enjoy.

[Xonas Pitfall]

@Emerald Not an issue! I’m a woman!

And sort of…?

My original intention is pure curiosity. I generally seem to gravitate toward understanding human desire (and surprise surprise...!), intimacy, romance, and sexual attraction are a big part of that. They’re often treated as taboo, which makes them even more intriguing to me. I enjoy understanding what draws me to both masculine and feminine traits, as well as how the opposite gender experiences attraction. (That said, I’m curious about all expressions of gender, but here I’m mainly focusing on the heterosexual masculine-to-feminine dynamic since Leo’s post was about that.) Anything practical in terms of attraction advice is welcome too.

I ask because I think you're right: this seems like it's more of a man's "focused" problem. There are tons of discussions and courses on how to be an "Attractive Alpha man, 'Make them submit,' 'Be her king', 'What do women actually want?!', but much fewer spaces explore what makes a woman attractive to men. So that curiosity gap feels pretty unfilled for me and my inquisitive tingling senses. ⚡ 😅

Also, I feel like I often get shallow or surface-level answers like “tits and ass lol,” which is fine and can be funny, but in terms of actual insight, it doesn’t explain much. If that were truly the core of attraction, then every man would be running to marry a pornstar or a stripper. But clearly, that’s not the case, so there’s definitely more to it.

Even things like “just be a woman” don’t satisfy the question. That just brings us back to what specific traits are at play? For example, most guys aren’t obsessed with a girl’s interest in makeup, but they do like how she looks with it. Or they might mock her astrology interest, or they tease girls for liking plushies or drama romance shows. 

I also find this distinction very interesting:

Quote

Consider this... women appreciate a man who's funny, while men like women who laugh at their jokes.

Why would one be inherently more valuable? It's super intriguing. Many men even seem to agree that's how it is, which makes it even more curious.

(And just to clarify, I actually liked your answer! I completely agree that being able to tell compatible men from incompatible ones, or filtering out emotionally immature men, is a super important trait.)

I also think understanding what genuinely resonates with men helps me show up better in relationships. If I want to maximize my relationship's happiness optimally, it helps to know what’s likely to actually connect (though of course I’d still ask them directly). But recognizing common patterns is still helpful.

It also helps me unlearn and release some of the feminine traits I’ve suppressed. For example, I used to believe that being vulnerable, asking for help, "whining", being illogical, and not always being problem-solving orinated was weak. (I know it's a cliché example, but it definitely can be, and was, and at times still is, a shadow of mine.) So I developed a more closed-off, private attitude. But in most of my relationships, men actually wanted more emotional expression or softness, and that helped me realize it’s not always a negative thing. It showed me that some parts of myself I used to hide are actually welcomed and even highly desired. Now I'm wondering if there are more things like that to look out for and discover.

I think also, one fear I’ve had is that a lot of the messages around what men want come down to: looks, good sex, submission, and "ego-stroking", which is, to an extent, understandable, but it doesn’t feel too loving or emotionally secure. It also doesn’t feel like something that would last over time, like during illness, aging, or when things get hard and you cannot always be "pleasing and peaceful". So I want to understand what other traits do support more stable, long-lasting intimacy. I know it’ll vary by person, but I still enjoy noticing recurring themes.

And finally, I just really love understanding the duality of masculine and feminine energy: how they complement, challenge, inspire, and fulfill each other, even on a more metaphysical level. That whole interplay is just really beautiful and fascinating to me!

Hope that clears it up!  The answers in this thread have been very helpful so far! ❤

Edited Thursday at 06:27 AM by Xonas Pitfall

[Spiral]

4 minutes ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

Consider this... women appreciate a man who's funny, while men like women who laugh at their jokes.

When a woman likes a man, she’ll laugh at his jokes. Or laugh in general when with him as a way to relive tension. 

Women like men whom they are attracted to and men like women who are attracted to them.

Sure being a good joke teller is useful but this is more of the story in my experience.

[Xonas Pitfall]

2 minutes ago, Spiral said:

Women like men whom they are attracted to and men like women who are attracted to them.

Hmm, but you don’t want just any woman to laugh at your jokes, right? I mean, not in the sense that you’d want to engage with her sexually or romantically (you might enjoy her laughing as a sign of your charisma.)

There are probably specific traits that make a woman attractive to you, so when she laughs or shows receptiveness, it feels good. But if it were someone you didn’t find attractive, her laughing wouldn’t really matter much, I assume?

So the original sentence feels a bit incomplete, since guys also have a threshold of traits they look for in someone before those signals register. Does that make sense?

But I do agree, there definitely seems to be an important distinction where guys care more about a woman being receptive and open to them than necessarily entertaining them or impressing them with her thoughts. That does seem to be a distinctive trend.

[Emerald]

@Xonas Pitfall I see what you mean.

One thing to take note of is that, if you ask men this question, they'll tell you what they fantasize about that evokes a sexual response because that is what a single man consciously values.

But they won't (because mostly they can't) tell you what they really respond to when they fall in love with a woman and want to have a longterm relationship. 

The conscious agenda of a single man is one of casting the net far and wide... and it's quite impersonal. So, they're going to give you fairly shallow answers if you ask "What are men attracted to?" because men are attracted to fairly surface level things at the outset.

But men don't fall in love with what they're attracted to. If you've ever watched porn, that's the level of depth with which they respond to things like tits and ass. It doesn't have a real deep emotional effect on the man, such that it works to bring him closer.

What a man responds to in a deeper way is Feminine energy, which in practice means...

• A woman leaning back into her Feminine energy and giving him space to pursue and woo her
• A woman being in touch with her feelings without an agenda to manipulate
• A woman enjoying herself and having fun
• A woman being open and vulnerable and soft
• A woman listening and giving space for him to also be a bit vulnerable
• A woman caring for herself and pouring her energy into herself
• A woman allowing him to help and feel needed
• A woman appreciating what she enjoys about him or the things he does

But none of these are a way to get a man to be attracted or fall in love. They are not tactics for getting a man, but a way of existing as a woman who wants to experience the joys of the Feminine. 

But they are also things that happen to create a space for a man that a man desperately longs for. 

Man-world can be cold and mean. So, men tend to really crave for the softness of the Feminine.

So, "How to attract a man?" is not the most effective question to ask. To answer that, it's just to be a woman and to realize that you don't need to do anything at all.

But it is in you operating without agenda and just doing what you please that will be magnetic.

That's why I said to never try to attract a man. The right man will already be attracted without you trying to attract him.

But to deepen the connection and to help him open his heart, just focus on treating yourself like your own beloved and sit comfortably in your Feminine energy... in touch with your feelings and receptive to enjoyment and delight.

 

[Spiral]

@Xonas Pitfall I’m not sure, it nice that a girl has the same type of humor I have.

 That I can change how she feels. 

However I not sure guys care more an a girl who told an actually funny joke to someone they like.

I rather she laughs because she likes me than because the joke itself was good.

[Spiral]

I agree with @Emerald here. 

Although personally I would find it terribly frustrating being a woman. Especially in a time where guys often do not take the first step.

Women approach me here every once in a while. It doesn’t create the right dynamic, both just get nervous and there is no play to be had.

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Spiral said:

I agree with @Emerald here. 

Although personally I would find it terribly frustrating being a woman. Especially in a time where guys often do not take the first step.

Women approach me here every once in a while. It doesn’t create the right dynamic, both just get nervous and there is no play to be had.

I actually like it when men don't approach. I prefer a dynamic that starts out platonic and gradually grows into something more intimate... as that's what's more enjoyable and meaningful to me.

So, I don't like it when men approach... or when I approach. I hate it when things start on a romantic/sexual foot or when things are rushed to some outcome. It's like reading the end of the mystery novel first and spoiling the story.

I get why men do that. But I need the slow-burn of romantic and sexual tension that builds up in platonic acquaintanceship over time to really open up to such a connection.

So, I tend to prefer men who are a bit more reserved romantically and sexually who might be a bit nervous to escalate things. I have to get a sense that it's a bit challenging for him to escalate because of his concerns about traversing boundaries. So, I like it (at the outset of a relationship) when he has to be a bit brave to go in for a kiss and I can feel the slight shakiness.

I suppose it also doubles as a way of sorting out guys who are always trying to escalate things sexually non-stop with everyone. But that's mostly just something that shows me that the physical intimacy is meaningful to him, which makes the encounter more meaningful to me.

But all the things that I mentioned in my post above are a great way to help a man feel drawn in and more comfortable opening up... and even having stronger desires to escalate things.

[Spiral]

@Emerald That makes sense, I also appreciate a slow burn. You get a more complete perspective.

In my culture we don’t have this. I suspect you’re from a peach culture, where people talk to strangers and colleagues.

We aren’t open to strangers in a platonic manner. You don’t even talk to strangers unless absolutely necessary.

Maybe a friend’s friend at most.

[Emerald]

11 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@Emerald That makes sense, I also appreciate a slow burn. You get a more complete perspective.

In my culture we don’t have this. I suspect you’re from a peach culture, where people talk to strangers and colleagues.

We aren’t open to strangers in a platonic manner. You don’t even talk to strangers unless absolutely necessary.

Maybe a friend’s friend at most.

It's not so much that. In the past, relationships always came through my own social circle. 

Not strangers... but men that I knew over a longer period of time in a platonic way.

[theleelajoker]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

 

Although personally I would find it terribly frustrating being a woman. Especially in a time where guys often do not take the first step.

Women approach me here every once in a while. It doesn’t create the right dynamic, both just get nervous and there is no play to be had.

Agree with basically everything that has been said in the posts above. Lots of cultural misconception about what attracts men / women and what makes them attractive. Lot's of what's written here fits my experience.

@SpiralBut my POV is quite the opposite re woman approaching me - I find it super sexy! She knows what she wants, she's open, she's interacting, she's courageous. There is still play, you just go deeper immediately. The play is then not "OK do I like you or not" but "how deep do you dare to go? How much you open up"? Just different game. 

I have no problem  (anymore)  approaching women I find interesting, but if she's able to take the initiative, at least from time to time? Super sexy. 

Edited Thursday at 08:35 AM by theleelajoker

[Spiral]

@theleelajoker I not oppose to it. In theory I like it. It has just in my experience been dominated by her nervousness. Which in the end, didn’t lead anywhere.

[Kid A]

37 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I actually like it when men don't approach. I prefer a dynamic that starts out platonic and gradually grows into something more intimate... as that's what's more enjoyable and meaningful to me.

So, I don't like it when men approach... or when I approach. I hate it when things start on a romantic/sexual foot or when things are rushed to some outcome. It's like reading the end of the mystery novel first and spoiling the story.

I get why men do that. But I need the slow-burn of romantic and sexual tension that builds up in platonic acquaintanceship over time to really open up to such a connection.

So, I tend to prefer men who are a bit more reserved romantically and sexually who might be a bit nervous to escalate things. I have to get a sense that it's a bit challenging for him to escalate because of his concerns about traversing boundaries. So, I like it (at the outset of a relationship) when he has to be a bit brave to go in for a kiss and I can feel the slight shakiness.

I suppose it also doubles as a way of sorting out guys who are always trying to escalate things sexually non-stop with everyone. But that's mostly just something that shows me that the physical intimacy is meaningful to him, which makes the encounter more meaningful to me.

This is how I was determined to do things. The thought of cold approaching and online dating really disgusted me.
Too bad it gave me a life with about as much romance as a monk’s…

[theleelajoker]

5 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@theleelajoker I not oppose to it. In theory I like it. It has just in my experience been dominated by her nervousness. Which in the end, didn’t lead anywhere.

Yeah I get you. Last time a woman approached me, she was suuuuuper nervous. I was nervous, too. But still was great experience and because she was much more nervous then I was, I could be - tataaaa - playful with her and give her a safe feeling

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, Kid A said:

This is how I was determined to do things. The thought of cold approaching and online dating really disgusted me.
Too bad it gave me a life with about as much romance as a monk’s…

If you learn how to flirt and be playful with women you're interested in, that will help your chances quite a lot.

There are plenty of men who have never approached a single strange woman in their entire lives and still have had relationships and hook-ups and things.

You just have to interact in a relaxed casual way and engage in playful banter.