Irrational behaviour during breakup

[StaraX]

Last week, my 2.5-year relationship with my girlfriend ended. According to her, the reason she wanted to end it is because of her anxious attachment style. She literally texted me: "I can no longer feel safe and attached, and it's not fair towards you... I need more time to handle all this, and maybe we can stay in contact once in a while if you want to." This is the fourth time she has mentioned ending the relationship, but the first two times were more like: "Do you want to break up?" and "We should take a break."The third time was more serious, she even printed out a physical A4 letter stating that our relationship was over. Yet, we continued seeing each other afterward, and now this fourth time feels like a 100% breakup from my point of view.  The strange part is that just before this final breakup, she seemed fine, even happy, with our long-term plans from the past two years. We had talked about buying a house, getting married, and so on. After the third "breakup," she even said, "I won't do this again." We had sex just three days before she sent the breakup message. Before that, we were still planning a trip to Rome and talking about all the cool stuff we would do there.

I'm trying to keep this post as short as possible, but it's worth mentioning that she has experienced a lot of trauma. She was sexually abused in her mid-teens and has been raped more than three times in the past. She also had a difficult childhood and is generally very anxious. I remember when we used to live together nine months ago and when if I said something like, "This Saturday, my best friend is coming from Belgium, so we’ll need to move our date," she would get extremely anxious, sometimes even to the point of panic. Just because of that one Saturday.  She also would often ask me questions like "You're not gonna ever leave me, right?". 

Yesterday she texted me and wrote, "I've been crying all day. I wish things had been different," and a few hours later, "I hope you and your parents are doing well." Today, she also texted me but deleted the message before I could see what she was writing.  I know that when it comes to women, what they say in the context of relationships often isn't true. From a guy’s perspective, analyzing this kind of behavior is quite difficult. That’s why I’d like to hear your perspective. Thanks!

[theleelajoker]

First of all: Sorry bro! That's tough, for you and for her. Really tough when everything seems fine, when you feel a connection and when you have plans that you both feel comfortable and looking forward to.

I think you already have a good perspective, and knowing that there has been abuse is - as far as I can say with limited outside perspective - an important step in processing this, for both of you. 

 I have ex-gf that showed similar behavior to what you describe. I suspect abuse experiences although she never explicitly said something like this. But knowing my ex, and how she feels and felt, I am extremely confident that your ex wishes things were different, and that she hopes that you are doing well. I believe in this case you can take what she says at face value.

My ex also had this energy of "it's not fair towards you", I think she said literally the same words. I assume a person that goes through abuse (irrationally) feels guilt. There was a lot of guilt with my ex, completely unnecessary, she was/is great. Such victims might feel like a burden, and they don't want to project their "negative feelings" on others, so breaking up is a solution to a) protect the partner (you and me) and b) to free themselves of the bad feeling that they make life hard for the other person. I think my ex (and yours?) is torn between the desire for intimacy and the desire to be alone, the only way she knows to somewhat feel safe. That's why the back and fort, and the deleted texts. That's pretty tough, this divide and this fear it tears your soul apart...

 

Edited Monday at 05:11 PM by theleelajoker

[StaraX]

21 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

First of all: Sorry bro! That's tough, for you and for her. Really tough when everything seems fine, when you feel a connection and when you have plans that you both feel comfortable and looking forward to.

I think you already have a good perspective, and knowing that there has been abuse is - as far as I can say with limited outside perspective - an important step in processing this, for both of you. 

 I have ex-gf that showed similar behavior to what you describe. I suspect abuse experiences although she never explicitly said something like this. But knowing my ex, and how she feels and felt, I am extremely confident that your ex wishes things were different, and that she hopes that you are doing well. I believe in this case you can take what she says at face value.

My ex also had this energy of "it's not fair towards you", I think she said literally the same words. I assume a person that goes through abuse (irrationally) feels guilt. There was a lot of guilt with my ex, completely unnecessary, she was/is great. Such victims might feel like a burden, and they don't want to project their "negative feelings" on others, so breaking up is a solution to a) protect the partner (you and me) and b) to free themselves of the bad feeling that they make life hard for the other person. I think my ex (and yours?) is torn between the desire for intimacy and the desire to be alone, the only way she knows to somewhat feel safe. That's why the back and fort, and the deleted texts. That's pretty tough, this divide and this fear it tears your soul apart...

 

@theleelajoker  Thank you for your reply! Yes, everything you described about your ex applies here 100%. Her biggest concern throughout our 2,5‑year relationship was “feeling like a burden.” Even when I said something completely unrelated to her, her mind would convince her that she was a burden and didn’t deserve anything good. To be honest, I sensed this trait even before were dating. 

And yes, It’s tough. To be honest, my only hope at this point is that she’s doing all right and won’t repeat the same mistakes: dating sociopaths or toxic people in general. Although that’s her life and her decision. My goal isn’t one of those "how to get your ex back" types of things. But it would definitely make me extremely sad if what I mentioned were to happen to her again. She is one of those "weak women" that Leo described in his blog a few years ago... Very easy to manipulate, etc. 

Are you still in contact with your ex?

[theleelajoker]

Yes, and I am one of those "hoping to get her back"  

I accept if she does not want that, and I move on as best as I can. But my heart is still with her, so what choice do I have? 

I don't read Leo's blog, and I don't know the context of his statement, but calling women that go through such experiences "weak" makes me very angry. I remember holding my ex one time, my hands on her chest, her back leaning against me. I was super sensitive to energy and vibration at this point, having finished two vipassana retreats within 2 months and smoking a joint few minutes before. So my hands are on her chest and I feel her vibration in the heart area...and it was pure fear. Pure, naked fear of death, fear of survival, very fast, very strong, very intense. It's so strong, I have no doubt it permeates the whole body and all behavior every single fucking day.  I felt all her trauma and just seeing how people go through experiences and then move on in life...that's not weak, that's courage. 

 

 

[Hojo]

Sounds exactly like what she is saying. She is very anxious and self sabotaging over and over and over again. She dosent feel like she deserves love and is fighting herself in her mind and making shit up. Basically she is legitimately insane she need mental help. She can see what she is doing and saying I am not ready for this even tho I want it. Its mature because when you are crazy you can't stop.

She is saying the relationship is bringing out her severe abandonment issues because she like you but will lose you. She is not stable enough to feel wanted and loved and cant be in a relationship until she can fix it.

These people don't feel any love for themselves so when they get it from others they are already scared that its going to leave and they freak out. Their parents failed them.

Edited Friday at 10:54 PM by Hojo

[Joshe]

9 times out of 10 when a girl starts talking about breaking up, if you have done nothing wrong, it’s because she either has another prospect or isn’t happy with you. More often than not, they want to follow up with another prospect, if they haven’t already, which is also very common. 

Also, if they starfish you during sex, where they just lay there and aren’t into it, that’s another sign she wants out. 

When a girl in a long-term relationship has another prospect and wants to know what it’s about, they start shit out of the blue and are agitated and anxious more often. They feel guilty about it because they don’t want to hurt you. Then, they start wallowing in depression from feeling like they’re trapped with you. 

When they realize you aren’t their Disney fairytale and there’s no more novelty, no more excitement, and when the relationship becomes normal or mundane, they start to question why they’re with you. 

Most girls will not tell you if they’re interested in someone else or simply not interested in you anymore. What they do instead is engage in negative emotions and use those emotions as justification to break up with you. And this process usually takes months until one of you can’t deal with it anymore. 

To keep most girls happy takes a fuck ton of work. You have keep things fresh and exciting or they leave. This is why I opt out. Too much work and not enough reward. 

Edited yesterday at 02:15 AM by Joshe

[Basman]

@Joshe

This girl has likely serious mental health issues. It's atypical.