I don’t feel like there’s a reason for me writing this

[Sugarcoat]

I don’t know why I’m writing this. 

My current situation is that I feel I barely exist I feel severely disconnected from myself.

It has been going on for about a year. 
 

I have no emotions, no libido, feel no romantic or sexual attraction, almost zero sense of joy, almost zero motivation to do anything, no sense of purpose, almost no desire to do anything 
 

Im not particularly depressed, only sometimes, I feel a little bit worse than neutral usually. I’m not particularly stressed too

I have no desire to date or socialize. That’s why I am a virgin at 21 and have one friend, but I have no desire to hangout with her or my family.

I barely talk at all, because I feel so disconnected from myself.

I just do what I have to : work to earn money so I can eventually move out, hygiene, sleep, eat, look at my phone.

Me and my family travel sometimes and I will travel this summer but I feel nothing about it. I wouldn’t mind staying alone at home. That shows how I don’t enjoy things others enjoy.
 

I derive pretty much zero pleasure from anything. 

Despite all of this: this is me on a GOOD day. Today I’m having a good day, even if it’s like how I’ve described. That’s how my situation is

What else could I write? I don’t know

Im going to doctors and they put me on anti depressant and anti psychotic for a year now but they make zero difference except make me a little calmer which isn’t too bad I guess.
 

I also have suicidal thoughts sometimes when I feel extra disconnected from myself. 
 

 

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

A lost soul phenomena. 

https://entheonation.com/blog/shamanic-soul-retrieval/

 

[Sugarcoat]

@Salvijus thanks. But would you believe me if I said that my situation is due to ~incomplete~ self dissolution? So it’s like I have tiny ego left that that is less than regular ego 

[meta_male]

I felt like this during what I could only describe as the dark night of the soul. 

It was a time when everything felt numb and disconnected, almost like I was watching my own life from a distance. I didn’t feel much of anything, no joy, no drive, and no connection to anything around me. Like you, I didn’t have the desire to engage with the things I used to love or even take care of myself in the way I should.

 

[Sugarcoat]

4 minutes ago, meta_male said:

I felt like this during what I could only describe as the dark night of the soul. 

It was a time when everything felt numb and disconnected, almost like I was watching my own life from a distance. I didn’t feel much of anything, no joy, no drive, and no connection to anything around me. Like you, I didn’t have the desire to engage with the things I used to love or even take care of myself in the way I should.

 

Yea could be a form of that. The difference being I don’t feel “distant” but rather I could lowkey melt into the enviroment at any moment and loose myself and my connection to myself. 

[meta_male]

@Sugarcoat So it's more as if you’re not using up any space? One very underrated way to gain some momentum that can help ground you is exercise. Even if it feels like it’s not going to make a big difference and the problem might be metaphysical, just moving and feeling your body can shift things a little over time. 

[Sugarcoat]

@meta_male It’s that I went through a lot of shedding the ego over the years so it left me with this tiny ego . So the boundary between me and the rest is not so strong

i do exercise a little maybe I should do it more…

[meta_male]

@Sugarcoat There is no ego really, just like there's no soul. What you’re experiencing could be more about being trapped in your head, letting thoughts and concepts disconnect you from your body. The mind can make everything seem way more complicated than it is. Interacting with physical reality more (even short walks to the forest) could be worth a shot and help you feel more grounded

[Sugarcoat]

5 minutes ago, meta_male said:

@Sugarcoat There is no ego really, just like there's no soul. What you’re experiencing could be more about being trapped in your head, letting thoughts and concepts disconnect you from your body. The mind can make everything seem way more complicated than it is. Interacting with physical reality more (even short walks to the forest) could be worth a shot and help you feel more grounded

”there’s no ego really” is just words to me. To me there seems to be a real ego/self pretty much constantly present. 
 

 What happened to me is that I went through a thinning of it, so it’s much thinner than it used to be

I walk 15 k steps a day I feel it makes no difference

 

But thanks anyways. I’m not really looking for help with this post I just write like self expression for no reason 

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

@Salvijus thanks. But would you believe me if I said that my situation is due to ~incomplete~ self dissolution? So it’s like I have tiny ego left that that is less than regular ego 

Almost incomplete self dissolution looks like ekchart tolle, rupert spira, mooji etc. None of them have problems that you describe. Ego dissolution invigorates the cells in the body, your body would be all vibrating with energy basicly. It doesn't feel suppressing or numb or zombie like. In my estimate it's either a lost soul phenomena or something is attached to you and is draining your energy/suppressing you. If it's the latter, then I could probably deal with that myself, it's a common reality for me. 

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Almost incomplete self dissolution looks like ekchart tolle, rupert spira, mooji etc. None of them have problems that you describe. Ego dissolution invigorates the cells in the body, your body would be all vibrating with energy basicly. It doesn't feel suppressing or numb or zombie like. In my estimate it's either a lost soul phenomena or something is attached to you and is draining your energy/suppressing you. If it's the latter, then I could probably deal with that myself, it's a common reality for me. 

They have total self dissolution. It’s a whole different thing. Difference between 1% and infinity is major. Can’t compare 

I’m talking about having a little ego left that is discontent with its “barely alive” existence 

A consequence of the partial self dissolution is that I feel an extreme “lightness” in my body (because it releases tension). 
 

Im not really looking for help with this post. Just writing as self expression. 

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

6 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

They have total self dissolution

That's almost unachievable goal. Monks spend their entire life in monestary to attain to it and don't get there. It takes multiple lifetimes to get there. Ekchart is open about his pain body not being fully dissolved also. They all are. Even if you were 1% close to infinity, you'd be levitating basicly with so much energy. 

[Sugarcoat]

5 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

That's almost unachievable goal. Monks spend their entire life in monestary to attain to it and don't get there. It takes multiple lifetimes to get there. Ekchart is open about his pain body not being fully dissolved also. They all are. Even if you were 1% close to infinity, you'd be levitating basicly with so much energy. 

Maybe there’s different forms of awakening? So not all of them lead to this “levitating with so much energy”
 

id agree with you. I don’t agree with those who say it’s easy . Exactly , monks spend entire lifetimes and some dont get there still.

I personally believe it’s something in the brain that creates the self so you gotta break through that

You won’t believe this but what I have basically done since childhood is a form of observation of the self/self inquiry. And that’s why so much dissolved

april 2023 I had a big breakthrough that put me in this subtle yet profound bliss

So I’m stuck with this thin sense of self (that’s why I feel I barely exist) . And I’ve been stuck with for over a year now. 
 

 

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

Maybe there’s different forms of awakening?

They are taking about self realization mostly. You can realize yourself beyond the ego without dissolving the ego. Dissolving the ego is a longer process. 

4 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

You won’t believe this but what I have basically done since childhood is a form of observation of the self/self inquiry. And that’s why so much dissolved

I don’t know. I'm trying to see how that could be true but I struggle to see it. The signs are not there. There are other explanations that fit your description much more as far as I can tell. 

[meta_male]

27 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

”there’s no ego really” is just words to me. To me there seems to be a real ego/self pretty much constantly present. 

Fair enough  you've got it, better times will come.

[Sugarcoat]

4 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

They are taking about self realization mostly. You can realize yourself beyond the ego without dissolving the ego. Dissolving the ego is a longer process. 

Omg you put in words something that I’ve had on my mind. I’ve thought it’s like the self illusion can drop without dissolving the self. So there’s still a self structure in place but it’s “seen through”. Because I still have the illusion of self intact, I still feel I am the self. But what i say is that I’ve dissolved a big portion of its structure, because it used to be way denser in the past I remember 

4 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

 

I don’t know. I'm trying to see how that could be true but I struggle to see it. The signs are not there. There are other explanations that fit your description much more as far as I can tell. 

Oh like derealization / depersonalization, yes it’s not that. 
 

right now as I’m writing this I barely feel like I exist. The sense of self is so thin and weak. It’s like it’s super “subtle” that’s the best way to put it in words. And it has been like that constantly for over a year now. 

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

1 minute ago, Sugarcoat said:

Omg you put in words something that I’ve had on my mind. I’ve thought it’s like the self illusion can drop without dissolving the self. So there’s still a self structure in place but it’s “seen through”. Because I still have the illusion of self intact, I still feel I am the self. But what i say is that I’ve dissolved a big portion of its structure, because it used to be way denser in the past I remember 

I believe this part. But the less dense you become, the more alive and vibrant you should become. That's the part where I have a problem with your explanation. 

4 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Oh like derealization / depersonalization, yes it’s not that

No, I've said something else, haha. 

[Sugarcoat]

5 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

I believe this part. But the less dense you become, the more alive and vibrant you should become. That's the part where I have a problem with your explanation

It was like that up until a certain point. 
 

In the beginning when I was shedding layers of ego I’d feel more alive after it happened

But then it got to a point where it broke down so much ego that I didn’t have a normal ego left, only a tiny speck, so I felt more dead instead. It’s like im almost in an empty void /nothingness all of the time

So you still want a certain level of ego to feel alive. 

 

It’s quite fascinating, when my ego was at its thinnest. As I wrote in my other post, it was almost like there was nothing at all. Almost like death

 

5 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

 

No, I've said something else, haha. 

Yea. But I still say and I’ve said it for over a year now. It’s very simple. It’s incomplete self dissolution

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

9 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It was like that up until a certain point. 
 

In the beginning when I was shedding layers of ego I’d feel more alive after it happened

But then it got to a point where it broke down so much ego that I didn’t have a normal ego left, only a tiny speck, so I felt more dead instead. It’s like im almost in an empty void /nothingness all of the time

So you still want a certain level of ego to feel alive. 

 

It’s quite fascinating, when my ego was at its thinnest. As I wrote in my other post, it was almost like there was nothing at all. Almost like death

 

Yea. But I still say and I’ve said it for over a year now. It’s very simple. It’s incomplete self dissolution

Idk what to make of it. There is more than one way to interpret that experience. So you're hoping a full dissolution will solve this? What if a full dissolution is even worse than that? Lol

[Sugarcoat]

6 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Idk what to make of it. There is more than one way to interpret that experience. So you're hoping a full dissolution will solve this? What if a full dissolution is even worse than that? Lol

I feel I have different ways I’d like to go

i would either like to have a normal ego like others have. 
 

Or id like to have full dissolution. What could be negative when there’s no ego there? 
 

or id like to, maybe this is the ideal one, self realize beyond the ego. So seeing that the ego is illusion, but it could still be there

Edited May 7 by Sugarcoat