Emerald

Female Dating Advice

200 posts in this topic

2 minutes ago, Majed said:

Now i am in a better mood, i interpret my situation as very fortunate seduction wise.

We don't care to be seduced, we want to see you as a good fit for us. 


What you know leaves what you don't know and what you don't know is all there is. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Princess Arabia said:

We don't care to be seduced, we want to see you as a good fit for us. 

That's a healthy approach towards dating. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, The Renaissance Man said:

As a man, I'm trying to really understand your points about the Masculine Lover and Feminine Beloved.

It seems like this "inauthentic" dynamic (inauthentic because often the woman needs to dominate her authentic feelings, not because it's problematic) needs to be present out of necessity, because only a man that naturally falls under the Lover role initially will create healthy ground for a relationship. So it's a matter of sorting, once again.

It also seems like even if he falls naturally under the Lover role, the woman must still watch out and behave as the Beloved, because otherwise she may push him into the Beloved, even though he wasn't naturally there.

Is this all correct?

I have two questions:

  • How do you suggest the woman who's really into the man should behave in later phases of dating? How long should she maintain this dynamic going, even though emotionally she wants to invest a lot into the relationship? Does it depend on some factors?
  • Is there a risk to take the advice of the Beloved too extremely, and resulting "too cold", ending up losing what would've been a good man? Where do you think that "too much" level is?

This one is a difficult one to navigate... because open-hearted and inexperienced women tend to fall more quickly into the Masculine Lover role because it feels exciting and there's an illusion of having more control.

The way that this one is sorted is to learn to take things slow at the outset of the relationship before jumping feet-first into it... and to learn not take those crushy feelings too seriously as some magical indicator of relationship fitness... and instead to get really realistic about where those feelings are actually coming from.

And it's usually one of two place...

The first is that it's a reactivation of childhood trauma and familial patterns. The second is that he's not reliable or predictable, so there is anxiety that is being perceived as desire, excitement, and longing.

And neither of those tend to be an indicator of a good relationship to come.

So, it's a matter of working through these patterns in general so that they have less of a pull... and learning to cultivate enough sensitivity to one's own boundaries to get bored and disenchanted with low investment.

And it's also about becoming more sensitive to your own boundaries, so that you're naturally not so easily persuadable because of this or that or the other feeling that arises.


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for the lovely post @Emerald. Women really do need dating advice. We tend to overlook our best interest because we're nurturers and sometimes taken advantaged of because of it. So many of us have to learn the hard way. 


What you know leaves what you don't know and what you don't know is all there is. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Princess Arabia said:

Thank you for the lovely post @Emerald. Women really do need dating advice. We tend to overlook our best interest because we're nurturers and sometimes taken advantaged of because of it. So many of us have to learn the hard way. 

You're welcome. That's definitely a common pattern. And I think it's because we tend to learn about our own sexuality and dating dynamics through a male lens. So, we get hyper-focused on attraction... when that doesn't actually help us out with the skills we need to develop to sort.


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Emerald said:

This one is a difficult one to navigate... because open-hearted and inexperienced women tend to fall more quickly into the Masculine Lover role because it feels exciting and there's an illusion of having more control.

The way that this one is sorted is to learn to take things slow at the outset of the relationship before jumping feet-first into it... and to learn not take those crushy feelings too seriously as some magical indicator of relationship fitness... and instead to get really realistic about where those feelings are actually coming from.

And it's usually one of two place...

The first is that it's a reactivation of childhood trauma and familial patterns. The second is that he's not reliable or predictable, so there is anxiety that is being perceived as desire, excitement, and longing.

And neither of those tend to be an indicator of a good relationship to come.

So, it's a matter of working through these patterns in general so that they have less of a pull... and learning to cultivate enough sensitivity to one's own boundaries to get bored and disenchanted with low investment.

And it's also about becoming more sensitive to your own boundaries, so that you're naturally not so easily persuadable because of this or that or the other feeling that arises.

Ok from this it seems more about maintaining a kernel of rationality and perspective, more so than being strictly about having a man being in the Lover role. You didn't really mention the roles in this reply so I still can't fully get the dynamic at work, because it seems to not be just about maintaining some "rational distance" and not jumping feet-first into it.

In your post you clearly stated how the Masculine Lover and Feminine Beloved dynamic is a necessity, because a man in the Beloved role will end up leaving. And also that he either naturally loves you, or he never will. And finally, that to make him "stay there", you must stay in your Beloved role.

Am I getting this right?

So my two questions from before are still open:

  1. How do you suggest the woman who's really into the man should behave in later phases of dating? How long should she maintain this dynamic going, even though emotionally she wants to invest a lot into the relationship? Does it depend on some factors?
  2. Is there a risk to take the advice of the Beloved too extremely, and resulting "too cold", ending up losing what would've been a good man? Where do you think that "too much" level is?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
40 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Either you are trolling, either you have a very ridiculous and in bad faith way to cope with the real.

I think my post triggered up some insecurities in him... so I think he was trying to make me feel how my post made him feel by trying to convince me that men only sleep with the hottest women.

But he picked the most unrealistic way to try to do that.


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Emerald High value self respecting men only sleep with the hottest women. But i guess you can enjoy the crap men that go for average girls. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Majed said:

High value self respecting men only sleep with the hottest women. But i guess you can enjoy the crap men that go for average girls. 

Is this true? How do you know it's true? How did you verify this claim? I'm not saying it's false either. I'm asking you, as that's quite the claim you're making. Do you personally know high value self respecting men? Be honest though. Could this be false? How do you know it's true?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

@Majed I think it would be better to leave one's personal feelings aside when investigating anything. 

Edited by UnbornTao

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, The Renaissance Man said:

Ok from this it seems more about maintaining a kernel of rationality and perspective, more so than being strictly about having a man being in the Lover role. You didn't really mention the roles in this reply so I still can't fully get the dynamic at work, because it seems to not be just about maintaining some "rational distance" and not jumping feet-first into it.

In your post you clearly stated how the Masculine Lover and Feminine Beloved dynamic is a necessity, because a man in the Beloved role will end up leaving. And also that he either naturally loves you, or he never will. And finally, that to make him "stay there", you must stay in your Beloved role.

Am I getting this right?

So my two questions from before are still open:

  1. How do you suggest the woman who's really into the man should behave in later phases of dating? How long should she maintain this dynamic going, even though emotionally she wants to invest a lot into the relationship? Does it depend on some factors?
  2. Is there a risk to take the advice of the Beloved too extremely, and resulting "too cold", ending up losing what would've been a good man? Where do you think that "too much" level is?

This isn't something that needs to be thought about or orchestrated too much, but it can be good to keep in mind as a mechanism for sorting out men who aren't engaging you as a Lover and who just want access to low-investment girlfriend benefits from a woman he finds attractive but has no deeper love for.

And the relationship will just go in the man as lover, woman as beloved dynamic naturally if it's a secure relationship and the woman has sorted well so as to avoid low-investment suitors... and the affections will even out quite a bit over time where there is oscillation between lover and beloved between both partners. It's just more polarized in the beginning.

So, it's not so much that you'd need to stay in the Beloved role to make the guy stay there... though being in the Feminine Beloved mode in relation to him helps the bonding. Even highly invested men will eventually give up and be repelled if a woman can't connect to her Feminine around him.

But this whole approach is very hands-off about what men do, as that is not within the scope of the woman's control. And any attempt to try to make him stay or commit, is just going into the Masculine and trying to control and manipulate.

So, that is not a power that women possess.

The power the women possess is the sorting of the wrong ones to open up space for the right ones. That's why developing sensitivity and discernment and to tuning deeply into your boundaries and feelings of disgust is really helpful as a woman... as you can sort better when your palate is more sensitive.

So, the guy will stay if he wants to. And the guy will leave if he doesn't want to. The woman has no control over this.

But if she stays in her Beloved during the courtship process and minds her boundaries and focuses on WHAT she wants in a relationship as a priority over WHO she wants in a relationship, then she will sort out the low investment guys who want to have the benefits of having a girlfriend without engaging in the heart-openness of Lover mode.

But if you go into Masculine Lover mode as a woman during the courtship process, you will tend to try to keep an un-invested man sticking around when you should better sort him.

And low-investment aloof men are operating in the Feminine toward the woman. So, this is what tends to awaken the Masculine Lover in the first place because she senses him as a goddess on a pedestal that she must impress and woo through attraction strategies, wearing make-up, sex, cooking for him, cleaning for him, nurturing him, and just giving to him.

She becomes the Masculine Lover trying to win the Feminine Beloved's affections.

But men are not swayed by this in the way that women are. A man can woo a woman... but a woman cannot woo a man. It's either there or it isn't for the man, and there is not way to control, manipulate, or persuade his feelings.

So, if you stay in the frame of the Beloved during courtship... you just have to sort those guys from consideration because they'll either hang around and waste your time, or leave you, or cheat on you.

 


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Emerald Thank you, that was very very insightful. Now I understand what you mean, it's quite illuminating to realize from a man's perspective.

42 minutes ago, The Renaissance Man said:

Is there a risk to take the advice of the Beloved too extremely, and resulting "too cold", ending up losing what would've been a good man? Where do you think that "too much" level is?

So I guess this risk isn't too frequent, given the ability an attractive man has to woo a woman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think a woman has to do anything else in a relationship besides existing?


Blind leading the blind

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, The Renaissance Man said:

@Emerald Thank you, that was very very insightful. Now I understand what you mean, it's quite illuminating to realize from a man's perspective.

So I guess this risk isn't too frequent, given the ability an attractive man has to woo a woman.

Just to clarify a bit on that bit about being too cold.

You could also over-sort. Lots of women run into this issue where they're operating only with their mind and they have a laundry-list of qualities that they want their partner to have.

So, that's where you also end up getting disconnected from heart-centeredness... which doesn't work well as it applies something concrete and logical to something much more intuitive and nuanced.

Like, it's good to have deal-breakers and boundaries and to sort for compatibility. But 80% of that information will come intuitively through human-to-human interaction and all the subtle micro-expressions and gestures he makes and in the sound of his voice.


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, NewKidOnTheBlock said:

Do you think a woman has to do anything else in a relationship besides existing?

In a relationship, of course. That's a very mutual dynamic.

But in the courtship phase, it's really important to avoid over-functioning and over-giving.


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Emerald said:

In a relationship, of course. That's a very mutual dynamic.

But in the courtship phase, it's really important to avoid over-functioning and over-giving.

Oh ok, I see. Makes sense


Blind leading the blind

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

45 minutes ago, Majed said:

@Emerald High value self respecting men only sleep with the hottest women. But i guess you can enjoy the crap men that go for average girls. 

The appearance of the women that a man is interested in doesn't say very much about his quality from the female perspective.

Maybe his male friends might rib him about it if they're also really focused on sleeping with super attractive women and he sleeps with an average-looking woman. But women aren't really sorting on that basis unless they themselves are really wrapped up in some looks-based status game.

So, when a man says things like "I'm only attracted to the hottest women" that registers to me as coming from either an insecurity and trying to seem "above it" in some way to try to make the woman feel insecure about her looks.

Or it comes from a more shallow exploitative tendency more generally... like men who genuinely view women as commodities instead of as people.

Either way, it's one of those red flags that I recommend women sort for... as it's a tell about how mature the man is and how safe he is to invite into her life.

Edited by Emerald

Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Majed already made up his mind long before this conversation. It's no use discussing with logic.

I want to understand why that's his perspective from his mouth (I guess fingers). That's where the juice is at.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Emerald I mean from my perspective it's so obvious that men want hot girls. But somehow in your mind it is not true. Which shows me that you're delusional. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Majed said:

@Emerald I mean from my perspective it's so obvious that men want hot girls. But somehow in your mind it is not true. Which shows me that you're delusional. 

Of course men want attractive women. 

It's just that men generally find lots of different types of women attractive. 


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now