Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[MuadDib]

This horse freed itself from the panopticon prison that is social media. Millennial aura.

I view this as a problem for spiritual pursuit as well. If people can't develop a connection with their own authenticity,experience, and growth out of fear the icky bits will be immortalized online, how the hell are they even going to begin the process of transcending themselves, let alone developing into like ... stable functioning ego's with genuine friends and connections.

[soos_mite_ah]

Fake vs Indirect Spirituality 

I am a few days late but I watched Leo's video on Fake Spirituality. I went in with the mindset of *I'm ready to have Leo drag my practices by the hair and call me and my delusions out* but I left with more complex thoughts than that. So I decided to make this post to explore it here. 

I feel like I was more into the new age spiritual stuff from like age 17-21. I have since strayed from that after a couple of bad experiences that have led me to believe that I was getting to ahead of myself with the spiritual stuff and the deconstruction to where it was manifesting in an unhealthy way. I didn't then swing to demonize spirituality rather I kind of put it off to the side as something to come back to later since I needed to work on more fundamental things first. Back then, I came into the realization that I needed to work on the fundamentals of my life and survival first so that I don't co-opt spirituallity, weaponize it, become a zen devil, or promote anything harmful unintentionally. I haven't gotten back into spirituality since. 

As a result, since I have been focusing on I guess "survival" more so than spirituality in these last 4 ish years, I came into this video thinking that Leo was going to call me out for my monkey tendencies. Instead I was surprised. I think it's good that I took a step back from spirituality and I didn't go along my life slapping a spiritual label on everything I did and made spirituality my whole personality. I think it's good that I decided to dissect my psychological issues, build a more stable life for myself through my career and my friendships, educate myself on the world around me, exhausting my material desires, and also just plain enjoy myself. 

While I never thought of these things as wholly spiritual, I think there is a spiritual component to a lot of these things that connects them in a thread of fulfillment for me. I want to be able to explore that. 

1. Working on myself in therapy: I have figured out a lot of my self biases, worked through insecurities, dealt with interpersonal issues, manage family issues, and deal with general life stuff in my sessions. I guess there is an element of truth seeking in figuring out my biases and working through my insecurities and applying those lessons practically in various relationships and life situations I have. Nevertheless, I do recognize the survival elements of it in the way that it's tailored to my life rather than providing truth on life as a whole and how it provides me with better coping mechanisms.

2. Having fulfilling romantic and platonic connections: Having a solid group of people around me feels like a necessity, not because I'm anxiously attached and I cling to other people, but because these relationships are a big source of fulfillment for me personally. I guess my main reason why is because I like observing and getting to know other people, their lives, the way they operate, how to deal with them etc. because it exposes me to new ways of thinking, new ways of living, and new facets of the human experience I may not get from my one perspective. I suppose this desire to find new ways of thinking, living, and experiencing is a form of truth seeking and there is a spiritual component, but I do recognize that there is a difference between me understanding something from direct experience vs me learning from the experience of others. Nevertheless, I do see the value of learning from the experiences of others in the way that you're not putting yourself in harms way just to learn something, the way that you're exercising your capacity for empathy, and how you can learn more in a shorter period of time. 

Leo also talked about the importance of separating your spirituality and your social life. That, I want to contemplate more. I do tend to keep my spiritual opinions private for the most part and I don't really talk about them until something comes up. I feel like for me, part of it is the social stigma of talking about things like nonduality and how that's kind of relegated to people who do too many shrooms, and how another part of it is that often times, this stuff is a lot to explain and I either don't have the competence to communicate that effectively or I'm not certain the other person will get what I'm trying to say given their stage of consciousness. 

3. My current corporate job: Yeah... there isn't much spirituality in my job itself but I am still able to connect to my sense of spirituality by being present at my job, engaging in flow states, and working my muscle on being disciplined. And I think my ability to still be somewhat connected to my spirituality despite working a soulless office job is a testament to me and my overall spiritual atunement rather than the job itself. In other words, it's not the job that's spiritual rather it's the way that I choose to engage with it. Leo mentioned in the video that the quality of your spirituality is not determined by tripping balls in Burning Man rather its you ability to connect to it while doing nothing at all. Chop wood, carry water I guess lol (or in this case send emails, troubleshoot issues). 

4. Working on my material desires: This includes anything from making money at my current job, putting a roof over my head away from my family, getting plastic surgery, decorating my space etc. I don't think any of these spiraled into money hungry hustle culture, rampant consumerism, obessing over my physical appearance to the point where I think that these are tickets to happiness. Nevertheless, I do think that a certain amount of material stability, while it isn't sprituality itself, can be the solid foundation for spirituality to thrive. I know damn well that it's easier to be present and chill since I have money to cover my bills and emergencies and I'm not living in a chaotic home environment with my family. 

5. Figuring out my fantasies: I feel like I have been journaling a lot about that topic lately but it's been something that I have been working on in general without realizing it. I think it's good that I'm not getting lost in my fantasies and confusing it with reality rather I'm identifying the fantasies as such and finding healthy ways of engaging with them, whether that means finding an appropriate outlet or deconstructing them all together. 

6. "Spiritual" Hobbies: I do like to engage with astrology and occasionally tarot. Imma be honest, I mainly do it for the funsies and use it to spark conversations through the archetypes presented. I also do yoga, but only as a form of workout that I'm enjoying as of late. I can't say that I'm personally connecting to being through these things lol. 

7. Engaging in My Interests in Learning about Human Rights Issues, Political Matters, and World Cultures: Again, not really spiritual but I do find these things fulfilling because it leaves me feeling more intuned with the complexity of the world around me and it enables me to empathize with different kinds of people. I guess there is an element of truth seeking there though it isn't in the existential sense. I think sometimes people conflate things they find fulfilling based on their personal values with things that are spiritual. 

8. Meditating and doing thing to take life slow: I do think that I engage with this sometimes to keep myself sane so i don't get so busy to where I spiral into anxiety. That, I wouldn't characterize as spiritual. But I will say that I sometimes like to slow down for the sake of it and to enjoy being itself whether it's be meditating on the couch or mindfully making a meal and drinking coffee. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I liked this video and how it discusses virtue mirroring. I didn't realize I was lowkey doing this but I did notice that sometimes I don't like shows because the characters annoy me or do not reflect my views. And in an effort of creating a more open mind, I have been trying to open up my tastes to include that kind of media to appreciate it for what it is rather than trying to make it into what I want. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Abuse 

These last couple weeks has been a lot... I've been dealing with a lot of shenanigans in my social life and work has a little more stressful than usual. Gonna be honest, I haven't been doing well. My sleep schedule is a mess. My diet is all over the place and I frequently skip meals. I have been doom scrolling a lot over the last week or so.  And I haven't gotten back into working out. While I do feel alright mentally (i.e. I'm not depressed, anxious, dealing with grief/trauma etc.), I do feel exhausted, over stimulated, and kind of all over the place. And I guess I want to brain dump on here as to why that is so. 

So as I was writing this, I realized that I was having articulating myself so I'm inserting this paragraph as a brief overview of the social dynamics at play. X is my boyfriend. FH is my bestfriend. MR is my good friend who got engaged. RW is my engaged friend's sister who got married on 7/25 (let's call her husband EW because gross lol). FH is good friends with MR and RW. X grew up with MR and RW. I'm not good friends with RW but I did hang out with her a few times when she would tag along with her sister. 

X and I got invited to RW's wedding early in June 2025. Neither of us knew she was even in a relationship but we didn't think much of it since we didn't really hang out with her much and because when we did hang out with her, it's not like we were interrogating her about her dating life. It just didn't come up in the few times that we interacted over the last couple years. We were just happy that we were going to a wedding to turn up. 

Then 2 weeks before the wedding, I asked FH something along the lines of *oh btw, what do you know about the couple getting married?* FH said she didn't know shit. I responded with how she and RW have been pretty close so I would think that she would have known more so that felt kind of strange. Before we had an opportunity to rub two braincells together, MR announces that she's engaged. Here's the thing with the engagement, NONE OF US KNEW SHE WAS EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE. So X, FH, and I started crashing tf out because this is abnormal of MR to hide, we have no idea how long she's been with this guy, and we know that MR's life has been a dumpster fire recently so she might not be in the right state of mind right now (she left an abusive roommate situation, her last relationship ended in a restraining order, Elon Musk swept in and took away her job and ability to pay for higher education, she's struggling to find a job, and more). That mixed with the mysterious circumstances of RW's wedding, there was a lot of suspicious and concerning things in the air. Like, is MR holding on to dear life with a guy who isn't good for her? What is the time line of this whole thing? Why has she been hiding this? Are the sisters enabling each other and egging on bad life decisions? WTF is going on??!?!! 

Anyways, after crashing out for 48 hours, we decided to regroup and coordinate exactly how we were going to have this conversation with MR to figure out what exactly is going on before freaking out more so that we know how to better address the situation. We framed this conversation (prompted by MR mind you since she was excited to share the news) as a *juicy gossip spill sesh* instead of a *intervention, interrogation, and psychoanalysis meeting.* We wanted to frame this as us trying to get to know what's going on without judgement and create a situation where she feels comfortable sharing. And of course, we want her to feel like we're on her side and that we're supportive (even if we don't agree with her life choices). That conversation went reasonably well. I will say, after that conversation, I went from being concerned and having alarms ringing around my head to being skeptically optimistic. I do feel like she's in the right state of mind and that she's not holding on to this man for stability / overly romanticizing this situation. I still feel a bit skeptical with the pace of this because it feel unnatural for me personally but it sounds like it's coming from a healthy place for her (she has known this guy for rougly a year and she's gonna get married at like September/ October of this year). 80 mph is reasonable on a highway but it's ridiculous on a neighborhood road. Sure, it's fast, but I feel like it's still on the faster end of normal. As for why she hasn't said anything over the past year, it's genuinely because she has been stressed with a lot of things and those have been the topic of discussion rather than her love life. She wasn't trying to hide anything. If anything, we were some of the first people to know about the news. 

The situation with her sister RW has been significantly worse though. FH tried to get into contact with RW just to hang out (even before all of the wedding stuff started to happen) but RW has been weirdly distant for the past few months. FH started asking some very basic questions about the guy and RW was being weirdly cryptic. Like, FH asked what the guy was like and EW responded with "he's not from here" AND NOTHING ELSE. 

Mind you, RW, MR, and EW are all Arab and FH and I are both South Asian. So FH and I were like WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Like, is the guy not from Texas? Is he from abroad? Is this a green card marriage? Were they arranged? DO WE NEED TO PULL UP!?!? Also, RW told FH that she was single back in March 2025. So, if RW is telling the truth, that means that she and EW have been together for like 6 months or less prior to getting married and planning out a wedding. At first, I suspected of RW of lying because she lied about something similar in the past. So, FH, X , and I were like *ok, we can't do shit now because the wedding is in a week, let's just pull up and figure out what's going on.*

The wedding was on Saturday. The wedding was pretty westernized by Middle Eastern standards. I can't say that either family seemed particularly religious/ conservative or like they were pressuring RW and EW based on their attitudes. I talked to the EW's mom (since I didn't get a chance to talk to RW or EW) and I do think that the family is like upper middle class, but they aren't like rich or anything. It's unlikely that this is a green card marriage (thought that wouldn't be impossible, I'd give the chance as 70/30). 

But then, there were the couple's vows.......

EW sounded like a typical lover bomber. He saved RW's name as Wife on his phone after the second date. They said I love you like month in. And apparently, he moved to Texas from California, lost his job 2 months in, and then he found another job and soon after met RW. After talking to his mom, EW grew up in Dubai (the family is ethnically Egyptian), then completed his bachelors and MBA in California, and moved to Texas 8 months ago. So, he moved to Texas 8 months ago, lost his job 6 months ago, and then some where along the way met EW, fell in love, announced the wedding like a month ago, and then here we are in the present day. Translation: This relationship has been a thing for 5 months before the wedding. AND THAT'S BEING GENEROUS. 

RW sounded delusional and traumatized. She talked a lot about her difficult family background (financially and emotionally), how this man is saving her from her difficult life, and how she "has been in her masculine energy for her whole life and now she can finally be soft and feminine." Like... homegirl is literally talking about Sprinkle Sprinkle talking points in HER WEDDING VOWS. I get having a difficult life and finding a partner who complements you well to the extent of which it can make up for some wounds you have, but.. that shouldn't be front and center of your overall relationship with a person because that's receipe for a trauma bond right there. 

FH and I were giving each other looks during the wedding vows and then we had to stop so we don't accidentally start making faces. We were both like *what the actual fuck were we listening to.*

In addition to the vows, they also lowkey avoided us three at the wedding. Which was WEIRD. Honestly, I think it's because we would have asked questions and have said something. We also got to talk to one of MR's friends who was a real estate agent. Apparently EW and RW already bought a house together prior to the wedding (AND THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'T EVEN KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 5 MONTHS). To me, this looks like EW is pushing bigger and bigger commiments onto the relationship to where RW would feel pressured to stay. They've done literally everything except have kids. I tried to talk to more of RW's friends but most of the people on her side were either people who were kind of distant to her or more so friends with MR like us three. And listen, I'm not trying to judge EW's social life. I get that you can be close to some people in certain phases of your life but not in others and that not every season in your life involves having robust social circle, but the fact that FH is probably the closest person to her and FH didn't know about any of this, that's concerning. 

All of this felt textbook in terms of what happens when people come from financially / emotionally difficult background and then that causes them to easily fall for things that sound waay too good to be true, like a narcissist showering you with love and affection to get you easily hooked on to them, and them distancing you from your friends and family. Things like this can easily devolve into abuse and DV. This is a very dangerous situation. 

Thoughout all of this, I have been a sounding board for FH. I'm like an acquaintence at best when it comes to RW but FH is actually friends with her. She told me that RW has had a history of rushing into relationships, even to the point where she had a failed engagement at 19 (she's 23 almost 24 now and EW is like 26/27). That failed engagement was a dumpster fire to the point where RW said that if she ever got engaged, she was never going to tell anyone until wedding because of evil eye. LIKE BFFR. GIRL NO ONE GAVE YOU EVIL EYE, THE MAN WAS JUST EVIL! She also romanticized being a stay at home wife and marrying rich to the point where she basically followed the Sprinkle Sprinkle content like it was the bible. And aparrently, RW does have a tendency to ghost when she's "going through things" which usually has to do with her dating people for like 3-4 months here and there. So all of this is very much giving a male centered woman who will drop her friends the moment she meets a guy and who has bad internet dating advice brain rot. Like, this apparently a recurring pattern for her and I'm afraid that the only way she's gonna learn is through a messy divorce or DV. 

And all of this sounds terrifying. We like to think that we're better than our parent's generation but like.... are we though? We like to think that we're breaking generational curses, but what if we're not? Or worse, what if we're making new curses? And as someone who values friendship as a very key component in life, not only is life transitions as you grow up difficult to navigate, but in situations like this, it's down right scary. I've lost friends over the last 3 ish years due to abusive workplaces, abusive partners, and other difficult life situations. I hope these people find healing and more stable life situations and maybe they'll come back around and we'll be able to mend things down the road. I just.. I don't want to lose more people especially to awful, heartbreaking situations. 

I've also been reading up on how to handle things when you're a friend to someone in an abusive relationship. I'm trying to be tactful and be the reasonable one amongst my friends so that we don't pour gasoline into these situations. I feel like dealing with someone in an abusive relationship is much like dealing with a drug addict. You want to be supportive, but you don't want to enable them. At the same time, you want to hold them accountable but you have to be careful on how you say things so that this person doesn't essentially relapse. And with drug addiction, depending on how bad it is and how long they have been using, as much as you want them to go cold turkey, if they do that, the withdrawals could be worse than the addiction itself and can even kill them if it's not handled by a professional. Similarly, it can take on average 7 times for a domestic violence survior to finally leave their abuser. And leaving is the most dangerous time and often the time when people get killed. So as a result, a lot of people stay in these situations because it's safer to do so than leaving. And it's like both of these things can get drawn out and REALLY fuck up your life. And it hurts me knowing that that there is someone in my circle who is close to being in a situation like this. 

I guess, I'm just sitting with the heaviness of it all. 

Edited 3 hours ago by soos_mite_ah