Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

 

Edited June 28 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Puer Aeternus Part 1

Puer Aeternus is the Jungian archetype of someone who remains an eternal child. It refers to someone who remains stuck in adolescence and is essentially developmentally stunted. Dr. K describes this archetype over two different videos at length. I have taken notes on characteristics of this archetype by watching one of his videos. I also decided to add my own commentary whether it applies to my past self, my present self, other people I have encountered in my life, or other patterns I have observed.  

• Tends to be charming / charismatic and childlike. They can be smart, quick witted and likable. As a result, some people can be easily impressed by them. They have a lot of potential and have bursts of creativity. While they may have a good start, their ability to execute and stick through things is lacking. 
  • They generally do not like sports which requires patience and long training. 
  • They have a hero complex
    • An example that is laid out is this guy who decided to go through yogic training, learn to sleep outside, and go without food just because he doesn't like carrying the weight of a rucksack while hiking. He would rather do the absolute most than to do the mundane things that require responsibility. 
    • They can be heroic and magnificent, but they cannot be ordinary. They have this ego where they want to be grandiose but not do basic tasks. This causes them to be stuck in life. 
    • I feel like this encapsulates what I was like when I was in high school. I was relatively sociable once I got past the social anxiety. I was at the top of my class, creative, and had quick come backs to things. And I was pretty self aware for my age as well. I had a lot of adults say that they saw that I had a bright future ahead. But I did suck at sticking through things and having a regular sense of discipline. I could do an entire course's worth of work or memorize a shit ton of information just because I didn't want to do the basic task of taking notes, noting things down in a planner, or allocating my time effectively instead of leaving things to the last minute. 
    • I feel like I notice this hero complex phenomenon show up among a bunch of leftists that idealize revolution. Like they want something big to happen rather than do the boring work of organizing and phone banking. 
• They don't like conventional situations. They ask deep questions and go straight for truth. They hate small talk. They're big talkers but they cannot show up for the little stuff in life. 
  • This felt like a description of my 14 year old self who fell into the tumblr rabbit hole of *normal people scare me* and *I don't like small talk, I want to talk about something deep like the mysteries of the universe and space.* I think I also went through a similar phase in my late teens when I was in a constant state of existential crisis lol. I learned that wasn't the way when I started to become the therapist friend and I started to trauma bond with people. That's when I learned the importance of small talk and showing up for the little things because of how it builds to the larger things in a more healthy and sustainable pace. 
  • This also reminds me of the leftists who talk about "direct action" rather than slowly building up the momentum and actually putting in the work to actually have political influence and affect outcomes. 
• They have big dreams but when they try to live life, they're severely disappointed because they put life on a pedestal and they cannot put up with drab, monotony, boredom, or just everyday life. They might have a vision of writing a book for example but when they sit down to do it, they cannot get through the actual, sometimes boring work of actually writing the book. 
  • I have written about this in a previous post about a year ago. I was going to post a quote from it but I think the whole post is about this very thing. So I'm just going to link it and also summarize some key points instead. Basically, I think I had a more simplistic understanding of life and the way things were going to turn out at 17, especially pre COVID based on my expectations of adulthood at the time. I felt like I could do anything given that I was at the top of my class, I was sociable, and I was creative. I had a bit of a grandiose attitude of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. And I guess at the time of writing this, there was a part of me that wished that I could return back to the naiveity from when I was 17 where I didn't know how deep systemic issues were, where I didn't know about COVID and how that was going to impact things going forward. 
  • I feel like my corporate job was good at taking this tendency out of me. Because I still need to show up and fulfill my responsibilities even if I'm feeling off physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm still trying to find a good balance of pushing through vs taking a break but I do think that this job has helped me build my discipline muscle and that has seeped into other areas of my life. 
  • The cycle is as follows: They have a vision in life (they're filled with excitement and potential) > they engage in life > it gets boring, gruelling, and disappointing or something comes up > they get dejected and lose motivation 
    • The puer aeternus can work hard and can even work long hours for a stretch of time but what they cannot do is work on a dreary morning where one has to kick themselves into work. 
      • This was very much me in the earlier part of college. I had the capability to work hard, pull all nighters, and cram at the last minute but I couldn't maintain a steady sense of discipline. I felt like that came on when I was like 21/22 as my frontal lobe began forming more lol. 
• Romantically they're looking for "the image of the mother- the image of the perfect woman who will give everything to a man and who is without any shortcomings- is sought in every woman. He is looking for a mother goddess, so that each time he is facinated by a woman, he has later to discover that she is an ordinary human being. Once he has been intimate with her, the whole facination vanishes and he turns away disappointed, only to project the image onto one woman after another." Basically, they're trying to find the perfect partner, they find someone, that person inevitably disapoints them with their humanness, and then they break things off to then find the perfect person again. 
  • This reminds me of the guys who basically wants a mother for a girlfriend- someone who will cook, clean, do basic house tasks and do basic adult responsibilites around the house that they never learned to do for themselves- but they can fuck them as well. And then, the moment she shows him that she's a person with needs, boundaries, a personality etc. he loses interests and tries to find another person. to continue the cycle with. 
  • This also reminds me of the people who have Bumble brainrot (platonically or romantically) where they don't try to develop healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Instead, they just ghost or cut the other person off because the next person, the perfect person, is just one swipe away. The thing is, even in healthy relationships, you're bound to encounter some kind of conflict and over time, people you have known for years are bound to annoy you at one point or another. And if it's a little annoying, you learn to self regulate. But if it's something that is really bothering you, you learn to have those difficult and awkward conversations so that y'all can work things out. I'm also glad that Dr. K later talks about dating apps in the video. 
• They fear losing their potential. They have this notion that if they find the right circumstances, the right environment, the right job, that they can become superhuman. But the problem is that when they try to engage in life, the fantasy falls through and they cannot put in the actual work even if they're incredibly smart, creative, charismatic, etc. Becuase committing to something and making a choice means losing the potential of everything else. 
  • I feel like this was me in high school when I was trying to apply to colleges. I thought that if I went to the right place, that I would flourish and become this superhuman kind of person with a crazy work ethic. I was pretty disappointed with the college I actually ended up going to. But looking back, I don't think it would have made much of a difference in my educational attainment. I still got a good education and I still fell on my face regarding various things that came up. 
  • I feel like I dealt with that fear of losing my potential when I graduated college and things didn't go as planned. I had this image of myself and how college was going to go and my whole experience deviated from that. It was difficult and I had to work through that emotionally. And sure, it came with a lot of negatives (imposter syndrome and the such) but I think it helped me be more present and realistic for my expecations of my self and my life going forward. 
  • Dr. K describes some examples of the language he has encountered regarding this. "Oh, what should I major in? But if I major in this or if I date this person, if I major in this, what if it's the wrong choice? What if it doesn't work out? What if I don't like it? And they're so paralyzed by being trapped in the drab existence of reality. Like oh my god, if I have to debase myself to become a pleb, make small talk in a water cooler, in a cubicle, as a sheeple, I cannot tolerate that at all. They are pathologically incapable of making a commitment or making a sacrifice." 
  • They're terrified of losing options and feeling trapped in making commitments and accepting responsibilities. 
    • This causes them to feel like they aren't living life because they're kind of in the void. They're living a marginal life because they're swimming around in this transitional / exploratory place or they disengage and go back to their fantasy world. They have a bunch of half finished projects and things they have started, but nothing has come to fruition. 
    • I think committing to my partner and to my current job has helped with this fear of commitment. Sure, it isn't perfect but it is a good start. And while I cannot say that having surface level conversations and relationships with my coworkers and doing menial tasks is the epitome of fulfillment, I can appreciate these things for what they are and find beauty in that. I also think that this job has helped me deal with my executive dysfunction by the nature of the role that I'm in and I've found more appreciation over the little things in my life from the stability that this job has given me. 
• Another cycle they get caught in is the following: They have a fantasy life > They fail to commit > They get freaked out because the possibilities are cut off > leads them to be in a perpetual loading zone as life continues to pass them by > Even if they don't make a committment, life forces them to choose (they might be forced into a job they hate and think is beneath them) > they half ass things > the thing is less than their fantasy > then they long for their fantasy > but there is no initiation because they cannot commit > they go back to the loading zone. 
  • I'm a little guilty of this. I think in relation to my job, life forced me to choose. I tend to half ass things at work because part of me thinks I'm too good for corporate and increasing shareholder value and instead I want to preserve my energy for more meaningful things. I wrote about in my linked post above on how I sometimes long for the fantasy of adulthood that my 17 year old self had. But thankfully, this doesn't stop me from committing or taking initiation and I don't go back into the loading zone. I think this is something I want to reflect on more. 
• Common beliefs: 
  • In the perfect circumstances, my perfection will come out. The road to my dreams isn't 10-15 years of long drab work that won't come into fruition. I just need to find the right job, the right friends, the right partner etc. 
    • I feel like R and N are examples of this. They kind of have this view that if they have the right investments that they're going to get rich instead of putting money into a 401k and watch that gradually grow. Instead, they're crashing out over Tesla stocks lol. These two also bought houses very prematurely instead of saving over the course of years and now they're struggling. R is especially guilty of this. He has that delusional white man tendency where he overestimates his abilities at times. Don't get me wrong, he is competent. But applying for and jumping into a managerial position 6 months into a job and 6 months out of college is delusional. I'm not here to say that tenure is everything, but it is something because there are some things in a job that can only be picked up over time even if you have the skill set right now. 
  • They blame their circumstances rather than taking responsibility. They tend to blame their prior selves. Rather than correct their mistakes, they blame their prior selves and are like *oh if I didn't make xyz decision, I wouldn't be here* but they aren't going to make the right decision today. 
  • They think that they missed the boat on xyz skill/ milestone/ life stage and that there's nothing you can do about it. (think *oh I never had a relationship in high school, I'm so behind, I'm 25 with no experience, no one will love me, it's too late for me etc.* They'd rather do that than put in the boring work to catch up)
    • I will admit, I'm sometimes guilty of this train of thought. However, I allow myself to grieve and then after that I come up with an action plan to address this. 
  • They have an image of themselves that is fragile. They might point to a physical of mental health thing as something that is debilitating. And sure, it might have some validity, but they don't follow up with *well, what are you going to do with that situation?* They use this as a excuse rather than a reason. They'd rather do some psychedelics and say they're cured or they would rather just stay in the suffering instead of doing the hard work and menial tasks required to overcome the situation.
    • My roommate in college was like this in terms of their physical and mental health. Don't get me wrong, they were dealing with some serious shit. But they do have a tendency to moap and analyze all of the systemic reasons for their ills instead of addressing things. They did balance me out since I'm in the opposite end where sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to take responsibility. I do like how we balanced each other out. 
    • I feel like I have seen this pattern A LOT on this forum where a lot of guys would rather do psychedelics or some super human kind of self inquiry instead of doing the basic work to deal with their problems. Spiritual bypassing is not cute lol. 
  • They have a defensive arrogance where they have an inferiority/superiority complex. They have trouble finding the right kind of job or partner because nothing is ever quite right or quite what they wanted. There's always a hair in the soup. 
    • They feel superior to people even though they see that themselves as below them. Think of the incel who wants to date a 10/10 woman and not look at a woman who is just average even though they're lonely. Think of the person who is amazing at video games and loves to dunk on noobs but won't write a paper on theology in the 13th centrury because the paper is beneath them. 
    • I think that a lot of the problems I have at work feels like a hair in the soup. Sure, I don't like my job and I don't like the shenanigans of upper management, but I do have good opportunities here and I know the job market is rough at the moment. I'm not saying all of this to brush off the toxicity that is there in my work place but I am saying that I'm not just gonna quit because there is a handful of things going wrong. 
    • I also feel like the fact that my partner isn't my type is the hair in the soup while the fact that I have a really solid, happy relationship, that is the soup itself. Sure I want to explore and get a few things out of my system by temporarily opening the relationship, but depending on how conversations go, if he's not ok with that, it's not the end of the world. I'm not willing to sacrifice my good relationship for the sake of sexual fulfillment. I'm not trying to say that sexual fulfillment and dating someone you consider your type isn't important, but I am saying that it isn't important TO ME as much in the grand scheme of things.  There are a lot of areas of my life that gives me fulfillment but sexual fulfillment isn't at the top of the list in regards to how it contributes to my overal satisfaction in life. 
  • The idea of wasting time is so terrifying for them that they never make a commitment. But then, not making commitment causes them to waste more time, thus leading them to the life they were afraid of in the first place. 
    • Thank god I didn't fall into this trap. I did encounter people who shortly after graduating they found themselves in the failure to launch category. I also had professors tell me that you might not find the perfect opportunity after graduation but doing something as opposed to nothing is better because even if you go with a less than perfect opportunity, you will still get some experience and some footing to find something better afterwards. 
  • Another fantasy they have is that there is an abrupt force that comes into your life that will force you to grow or die (because they cannot motivate themselves in a normal situation so they need something dramatic to push them into action). Either, I'm going to be something and be a hero, or I'll be dead (because they'd rather be dead than ordinary). 
    • I'm guilty of this. Sometimes, I fantasize about getting laid off so that it will force me to apply and get another job quickly. 
• How do you fix this: 
  • Put in the boring work. Make sacrifices. Make commitments. Do that even if the gurantee of the work paying off is not present when you start the work. 
    • An example of the puer aeternus is the person who says "I want to work at a company, but I don't want to get an entry level position. I want a strategic position where my ideas will be respected." They cannot pay a cost without a gurantee of a gain. Focus on the cost rather than the gain. Focus on the reality instead of the fantasy. 
      • I think a lot of boomers had this mentality because for them, a college degree was a fast track to getting a really cushy job that wasn't entry level. And the fact that our generation cannot do the same was like hitting a brick wall for both generations to varying extents. I also had a moment when I first got my corporate job where I was like *I got this complicated ass degree only to be sending emails? I could have done this when I just graduated high school tf?* I feel like college can sometimes put work life and entry level jobs on a pedestal and make them more complicated that they are to where you feel delusional enough to think you're worthy of a strategic position right off the bat. But the truth it, most organizations are complicated and it takes time to learn the ins and outs of various departments and create the professional connections and competency to get a role like that. 
  • Don't be afraid of "settling." Focus on the loss of the possibilities and potential and work through that. Stop blaming yourself for falling behind in life and expecting some outlandish thing to fix things for you overnight and put in the gruelling work. 
    • I think my corporate job helped me not feel behind in life because I was in a mixed age environement where I wasn't just in a bubble with people my own age I could compare myself to. I think this job also helped me make peace with a sense of monotony and the skills that are built from that as well. 
  • Recognize that your real issues are internal. The issue isn't that you need to work towards a promotion, the issue is that you need to learn to grind. 
    • There is a tendency to focus on the heroic forms of growth. Dr. K uses the biohacking community as an example where instead of eating generally healthy and exercising, they need to biohack, optimize, and get more with less. Instead of doing what normal people do, they want to find a really specific protocol with special technology to create a special kind of health. Just eating basic foods and a little exercise here and there basically gets you to 95% of the path there. You might need an extra vitamin D supplement or something for the remaining 5% but you don't need to overcomplicate things. But that's the real question, why do you need to overcomplicate things and go to fantastical lengths? 
      • I know the video was mainly geared towards men but I do think that this applies to women in the wellness influencer space as well. Like Sydney, no, I don't need a 12 step skincare routine, expensive facials once a month, and botox. Most of us will be just fine with a face wash, moisturizer, sunscreen, and maybe tretonoin. No I don't need greens powder, a very specific diet, 30k steps, and a work out plan that only makes sense if you're unemployed in order to lead a healthy life. I just need to ensure that I'm eating enough food, get 20-30 min of movement in, drink water and maybe take a supplement. And sure, these healthy habits MIGHT cause you to lose weight for some people. But for a lof of people, they're going to get healthier but they won't lose weight. And that is alright. Not everyone is meant to live up to the fantasy of looking like a Victoria Secret model. Just because you don't look like a model becuse you have basic healthy habits doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your body and that you should starve yourself, or have a very elaborate wellness routine. 
    • There are people who, no matter what job you put them in, they do pretty well because their work ethic is right. There are people who have many successful relationships because they have good relationships skills/ good attachment style. Stop hunting for the right circumstance and start showing up as the right person. 
      • I feel like this is me with my relationships. Sure I was more of a late bloomer romantically but I think that I'm capable of being friends with a wide range of people in terms of their background and personality. And because I have a track record of good friends, that has helped me gain the relationship skills to be a good partner as well. 
      • I think this is me at work as well. I know that I have mentioned that I have a tendency to half ass things at work but I would say overall I have a decent work ethic relative to my coworkers. I feel like I'm half assing things but my boss is pretty happy with my quality of work. And I am proud of myself for excelling in something that I don't have a lot of passion in and that I show up to and fulfill the responsibilities of regardless of how I'm feeling that day.  
      • I met a guy like this in high school. Sure like everyone, he had subjects that he was better at and worse at, but he made it a point to excel everything and have a consistent work ethic. I'm not sure what he's doing right now, but knowing him, I'm sure he's doing well in whatever industry he has chosen to go into. 
  • Focus on small things. Do the little habits. Do the laundry, the dishes, etc. Be a normal adult lol. 
    • Alpha male podcast bros and hustle culture accounts LOOOVE to prey on people who don't want to basic small things and instead want to escape into the fantasy of like a guy in a sports car surrounded by women in bikinis. And then they say that you can get all of this if you just buy their course. These guys also shit on normal people who have working class jobs or have regular 9-5s.
      • This reminds me of the alpha male morning routine where this guy started his morning at liek 3am and basically painted this fantasy of being super productive, aesthetic, and on the grind. But in the end of the video, it was his girlfriend who was doing the fundamental work of making him breakfast lol. 
      • I also found myself thinking about Ramit Sethi, a youtuber who makes videos on money management and improving your relationship with money, and how he hates the finance bros that overcomplicates money to where regular people are scared to learn about financial literacy. He also hates on how there are lot of people in the financial space that sells this idea that you cannot build a decent amount of wealthy if you're not an entrepreneur and he has a good amount of advice for people with regular 9-5 jobs. 
    • A more feminine coded version of this phenomenon is the woman who gets pregnant because of the fantasy of motherhood and how people put mothers on a pedestal but they don't want to do the basic shit of caring for the kid and ends up being negligent. They would rather coach their 3 year old to say something profound for 4 hours so that they can post that for views have people say what a great mother they are instead of changing diapers. They party, get plastic surgery, hold on to their youth, become influencer moms, instead of putting in the work of parenting. 
      • This reminds me of Huda from Love Island season 7. She kind of uses motherhood as a kink of sorts and it's really not adding up how she has the time to be wilding out the way that she is while having a kid at home. 
      • This also makes me think of the men who like the fantasy and prestige around being a husband and father but don't actually want to be either of those things. And then once they have a kid, all of the childcare falls on the shoulder of the woman and then they either work long hours or take on hobbies like golfing that takes them away from home so they can avoid their responsibilities and because they secretly hate their wife and kids. I personally haven't met people like this, but my friends in more high pressure jobs have. 
      • I also think that my own mother fell into this category as well. I think she liked the idea of motherhood much more than the reality and she projected a lot of fantasies on to how she wanted me to turn out. And since I fell short of that, as one does because they are human, she's often disappointed in me and while I do think she loves me, I don't think she likes me all that much.
  • But don't also go so far the other direction to where you kill the child within you and you get stuck in the grind. 
    • The child within you isn't a bad thing. You need to have a balance with your inner child and discipline them. 
      • Creativity, spontaneity, playfulness is still important. 
      • I feel like this is something I had to learn last year. Once you get to working, there is no extended breaks for you to look forward to. Instead, you need to actively create things to look forward to and create your own traditions so that life doesn't run together and feel like a blob. Also, take your PTO. 
• Chatter questions: 
  • "If someone is stuck in the classic puer aeternus state because society provides no rites of passage or stable adult roles, is it really their fault?" 
    • Does society provides no meaningful rites of passage? Are they all gone? Are there rites of passages that aren't meaningful? What's the difference between an empty rite of passage and a meaningful one? How do you define a rite of passage? 
    • It doesn't matter if it's your fault, it's your responsibility. Sure, these are decaying in society, but you need to craft meaning for yourself. Asking if it's your fault is the wrong question. The right question is what are you going to do about it?
  • "Do I just need to force myself to do boring stuff." 
    • You need to ask why you need to force yourself in the first place. Deal with your issues with your motivation around boring stuff (hero complex, issues around commitment, fantasy of what could have been because you started to late, the fantasy of holding things at a pedestal, convenience/ efficiency culture etc.) 
      • This is something that I feel like I have been indirectly contemplating. 
  • "How does one get better at making sacrifices even for small choices? Sometimes I get stuck in this loop of trying to make a choice and it's so exhausting."
    •  Look at the sacrifice at multiple angles. Ask why you're such a miser with your resources and why you can't spend your resources. Why can't you afford to make a wrong choice? 
      • I think I had this problem more so when I was in high school/ college because I was afraid of falling behind from my peers and making mistakes that could cost me years of my life. I was afraid of that because I wanted to be happy and successful quick without struggling as much with dumb problems like my peers. Looking back, I do see the superiority complex that this reeks of. Because why am I exempt from making a couple dumb mistakes in my youth? Dumb mistakes are part of the age appropriate learning process. Why am I thinking so highly of myself to where I'm demanding perfection from myself? It's a shame that back then I felt like I had to have everything together because I didn't have the safety net to mess up, but while I used to look at that as a positive, now I'm seeing that it was kind of messed up. 
  • "What are some questions to ask yourself about your inability to close doors?"
    • What's the problem with losing this possibility? Why do you need a perfect life? Why can't you have an ordinary life and why do you look down on it?
    • For the puer aeternus, progress isn't the goal. They want a sense of completion, a sense of victory, a triumph rather than incremental movement. Start to see progress is enough and build a sense of contentment. They want pleasure and safety, not contentment. Because mad geniuses are never content, they are consumed by their brilliance. They want grandiosity, not ordinary existance. 
    • I remember in another Dr. K video on how he describes FOMO as a form of greed because the one thing you chose for yourself isn't enough and you feel like you need everything. So it's like, if you have a bunch of interests and you don't want to just choose one, why? If you can find joy in so many things, why is choosing one and sticking to it so scary? 
  • "I watch self help content but I cannot apply it. Why?" 
    • Self help content can give the illusion of progress without you doing anything. It's cognitively intense at times so you end up taking a break. But then you don't do anything. Don't ask that question to the content. Ask that question to yourself. 

Edited June 29 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I actually want to cry. I posted the previous post and then the page refreshed and posted the version I had 2+ hours ago. I'm going to edit the post tomorrow so that everything is included. But first i'm going to sleep because I'm upset and it's like 11 pm. 

edit: Thank god it didn't take away the notes I had from the video. I think that was the more time consuming part. Putting in my commentary in the various colors only took me a little more than an hour to get done 

Edited June 29 by soos_mite_ah

[MuadDib]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@MuadDib Huh.. I didn't know there was a grown up version of that kid doing the same video 

[soos_mite_ah]

R just got passed up for a promotion that he has been pining for the last 2 years, he's going bald at 25, and he's being moved away from my team so I'm not gonna have to deal with his bitch ass. I also talked to my boss about what happened when he got passed up for the promotion and turns out everyone in my team secretly hates him and he tends to leave a trail of mess everywhere he goes and he's waaay dumber and more impulsive than what I gave him credit for. 

Anyways, life's good and karma is real.

[RendHeaven]

all my homies h8 R!!

[soos_mite_ah]

(Not) Taking Myself Seriously

I'm 25 years old and I still have yet to feel like a woman. I have been feeling this for quite some time now and i have been reflecting on it off and on over the last 2 ish years. I feel like a girl and I feel like an adult, but for whatever reason, I don't feel like a woman. As for the fact that I relate to girliness as a form of femininity, I think it has less to do with me having an infantilized view of femininity and more to do with how adulthood feels very gender neutral. I cook, clean, take care of my surroundings, have a job that I'm relatively good at, pay my bills on time, have boundaries and good communication skills, a few solid relationships, a sense of responsibility, and a sense of direction in my life. None of these things feel particularly gendered. I guess with girlhood, I tend to associate it with a sense of playfulness, silliness, and whimsy that comes naturally to me.

So then, I started thinking about what does it mean to be woman, what images comes to mind for me, and how I may or may not be falling short on that. Because I know from the alpha male podcasts that they have a very specific view on masculinity based on a bunch of societal stereotypes that essentially gets conjured up to a caricature of masculinity they idolize and fantasize about being. And based on the Dr. K video I took notes on, I think subscribing to this fantasy instead of embracing the reality and mundaneness of masculinity is what leads a lot men to act like man children. Here is a little bit about what I wrote: 

On 6/28/2025 at 10:59 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Alpha male podcast bros and hustle culture accounts LOOOVE to prey on people who don't want to basic small things and instead want to escape into the fantasy of like a guy in a sports car surrounded by women in bikinis. And then they say that you can get all of this if you just buy their course. These guys also shit on normal people who have working class jobs or have regular 9-5s.

• This reminds me of the alpha male morning routine where this guy started his morning at liek 3am and basically painted this fantasy of being super productive, aesthetic, and on the grind. But in the end of the video, it was his girlfriend who was doing the fundamental work of making him breakfast lol. 
• I also found myself thinking about Ramit Sethi, a youtuber who makes videos on money management and improving your relationship with money, and how he hates the finance bros that overcomplicates money to where regular people are scared to learn about financial literacy. He also hates on how there are lot of people in the financial space that sells this idea that you cannot build a decent amount of wealthy if you're not an entrepreneur and he has a good amount of advice for people with regular 9-5 jobs. 

So that got me thinking about what kind of fantasy and archetype of womanhood that I have picked up on and that I'm subconsciously comparing myself to. 

I think the first image that I get in my mind when I think being a woman is has to do with this sense of elegance and classiness. And I don't mean to be self deprecating but I don't see myself as that. I wear my authenticity on my sleeve, even if it might be rough around the edges and I put character above class, since classiness without a sense of empathy can just be classism (think judging people for using the wrong fork in a formal dining setting and how that "gives them away"). I think that the words elegance and classiness can be pretty loaded in terms of socioeconomic status, racism, and misogyny. So, I'm trying to be cognizant of that when I try to define womanhood for myself. Like I feel like content like this is the woman equivalent of the alpha male fantasies men have: 

I encounter shorts like this in my social media feeds. And most of the time, it's not anything particularly toxic, it's just very surface level advice in my opinion. But I want to mainly focus on the imagery around this type of content. I feel like this next couple videos are more in your face about how things like race, money, stereotypes around femininity manifest in this kind of content: 

Yes, because womanhood is expensive makeup and designer handbags because women be shopping lol. (bruh...the straights are not okay)

The second image I get in my mind when I think of being a woman has to do with being a wife, mother, or dealing with some kind of struggle that a lot of women deal with (sexual assault, not being taken seriously, objectification, physical pain from things like birth or menstruation, being underestimated, issues in the work force because of having kids). Firstly, you can be a woman and decide that being a wife and a mother isn't for you. That doesn't make you any less of a woman. Secondly, I think it's depressing to conflate womanhood with being the victims of society's ills. I remember when i was doing some google searches on women talking about the moment they felt like woman and a sad amount of those responses dealt with things like sexual assault, getting cat called, being underestimated, or dealing with the struggles of parenthood alone because their man isn't as invested in the kids as they are. Don't get me wrong, these societal ills are experiences that ties a lot of women together, but I don't want to view womanhood only through the lens of pain and disempowerment because I feel like that further reinforces the patriarchial dynamic of women being in a subserviant position and it reinforces the narrative of "well that's just how things are." 

Upon further reflection, it's not so much that I feel like I'm rejecting my femininity rather I'm rejecting this sort of inauthentic performance around femininity and I'm deconstructing the narratives I've inherited around what it means to be woman so that I can hold space for nuance, and define it on my own terms. To me, womanhood isn’t earned through suffering, it isn’t a costume of Eurocentric elegance or perfection, it isn’t bound to domestic roles or external validation, and it isn’t limited to the aftermath of trauma. And I guess, since I'm so good at pointing out what womanhood is not, it's harder for me to pin down what it is and, as a result, I feel like I'm putting these amorphous standards on myself. And because the standards are amorphous, they don't feel like a huge pressure or anything, but more so a vibe of me just feeling like an awkward gremlin.

I guess the other thing is that, as far as connotations go, "Girl" can feel more playful, free, or unformed while "Woman" can feel more serious, composed, or defined. And I think one of my problems is that I don't take myself seriously all that much. I think that enables me to be playful and light hearted, and there is a sense of resiliance and warmth that comes from that. Like I'm just little silly goose on the loose lol. But I recognize that this can become a problem, firstly in the sense that I'm most definitely an adult and I shouldn't infantilize myself as that can be an excuse to shirk responsibility, and secondly, I can be selling myself short and underestimate myself, especially in a professional setting which can lead to being mistreated and walked all over. 

I have a good chunk of coworkers right now who are around my age. And sometimes, I just feel like a kid amongst them. This is especially true when it comes to guys my age. And I've even caught myself feeling kind of incompetent next to them even though guys like R and N have been consistently underperforming and acting tf up, professionally and personally. What I'm trying to figure out is why am I feeling this way despite it not really having a basis in reality. I think it comes down to how I don't really take myself seriously. At work, I don't take my competence that seriously because I'm working at a basic office job and I'm just sending emails. What I do feels really basic and bare minimum tbh even if my boss is happy with my work and is hyping me up. I guess I downplay the work that I do because in the grand scheme of things, I know that office work is often over hyped in terms of skill and socioeconomics and riddled with false emergencies. I do not need to be having a panic attack at work. I'm saving files, not lives. I don't think that's an unhealthy manifestation of not taking work seriously. But I do think that I have this tendency of overestimating the people around me while underestimating myself. To an extent, the stuff my boss shared about R was a shocking. Again,

On 7/2/2025 at 4:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

he's waaay dumber and more impulsive than what I gave him credit for.

And to be fair, the guy does have an air of confidence around him and part of that is valid because he is competent at his job. The other part of it is him being a delusional white man. Since I didn't know about his shenanigans, I thought that maybe he was being young and dumb. It's both our first corporate jobs and I can admit that I'm still trying to figure out how to socially navigate things and I can understand if he's trying to do the same. But turns out, he's also shady af and tries to weasel his way into higher positions and out of doing the actual work. I was not privy to any of this because I'm not really getting to know him like that. I'm just reacting to the facade.

Apparently, R is the type to start acting up when someone is a gateway to something he wants and he gets agressive/ salty because he cannot take no for an answer (which also raises red flags in my head on how this may manifest in other areas of his life). I guess he was able to hide that tendency around me and my other coworkers because we cannot do anything for him in terms of upward mobility. But he did have this tendency to ignore my messages every time I had questions about something when I first got hired. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed he was busy because at the time, he had more responsibilities (or that he secretly hates me, which I don't mind because same). And then I stopped going to him. But apparently, he does that to everyone and he's still doing that despite not having much on his plate... so that's kind of sus. And he has a condescending attitude with some other coworkers (again, I didn't encounter this because typically I just keep my distance because he gave me bad vibes early on). 

But yeah, I think it's worth examining why I and I'm sure other people can look at R and think of him as particularly competent despite that not being the case while I'm sitting here doubting myself. There are a good amount of people in their mid to late 20s in middle management positions at this company. And it just feels kind of weird to me because I don't really see myself in that same lens of competency and because for a large chunk of time, I just thought that those people (in other teams and locations) were 30+ based on the vibe I got from them. Granted, I do think that everyone, including myself, has some kind of facade at work to maintain professionalism. And I guess, that I'm just comparing my bloopers and silly mistakes to everyone else's polished exteriors. I know that this tendency is common on social media when you're literally viewing someone's highlight reel but I think it's a social tendency that predates the internet. 

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I also think another area of my life where I don't take myself seriously is my sexuality. I think part of it is healthy in that I can acknowledge the awkwardness and silliness around sex and approach it in a lighthearted, authentic way that doesn't come off as intimidating or performative. Like, girl, I cannot put up a seductive, Jessica Rabbit-esq persona. I feel ridiculous doing that. I think part of it feels like such a caricature of a woman's sexuality from the eyes of a man that it feels silly to engage with it. But I think another part of it is that I don't see myself as someone who is sexually appealing. It's not that I think I'm ugly, it's that I think I just give off a very neutral vibe. I think it's difficult for me to see myself through that lens. I don't see myself as someone who is attractive in a serious sense. 

Another reason why I don't take myself seriously in a sexual sense is because of my current relationship with X. Again, it's very lighthearted, playful and silly, and that carries a sense of warmth to me that makes me feel like I can open up, emotionally or sexually, without pressure. I'm also VERY ticklish physically so a lot of things that would typically turn someone on just makes me laugh. In contrast, I have been reflecting on the fantasies that have been coming up with L. Compared to my current relationship, the fantasies are more deep, sensual, and traditionally romantic. I find myself thinking about the physical sensation how my face would warm up or how my hands would feel tingly and shaky around the slightest interaction around L years ago. I haven't felt like that about a person physically since. I imagine the physical sensation of running my fingers through his hair on his head but also on the rest of his body. I imagine getting all dressed up, going on a nice dinner with him, having a good conversation, and going home only to have him take everything off. 

And this feels weird to type out, but in those fantasies, I feel like a woman. It's weird because first of all, my view on womanhood isn't limitted to a sense of sexuality/ sensuality, and second of all, I have those elements in my current relationship sexually as well as the dates I go on with X. But I wouldn't say that my overall dynamic with X serious and traditionally romantic. Like, we're both like giant kids around each other. And I don't think that it's a coincidence that I'm having these fantasies around L especially since L is older by at least a decade. As for the relationship between womanhood and a sense of sensuality/sexuality, I think what differentiates it from girliness is that sense of seriousness as opposed to lighthearted whimsy. I also think that my fantasy of craving something or someone more stern/cold also comes from me craving this sense of seriousness as well.  

I feel a little awkward in taking myself seriously in life as a whole. I'm a little nervous about coming off as cringy or that I care too much about things that don't really matter. I don't want to have this sense of self-importance or ego that causes people to be a caricature of themselves because they take themselves too seriously. I guess I'm still trying to find this balance of taking myself seriously as an adult but not having that come at the cost of my sense of authenticity. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Like I really do be viewing myself like my current profile picture. I feel like a a bug eyed chihuahua with her tongue sticking out with 3 brain cells bouncing around incoherently. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Putting Life on a Pedestal

I took notes on the concept of putting life on a pedestal in my previous post and I have since had some additional thoughts around it. Here is a recap from that post before I go into my additional thoughts: 

On 6/28/2025 at 10:59 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

They have big dreams but when they try to live life, they're severely disappointed because they put life on a pedestal and they cannot put up with drab, monotony, boredom, or just everyday life. They might have a vision of writing a book for example but when they sit down to do it, they cannot get through the actual, sometimes boring work of actually writing the book. 

• I have written about this in a previous post about a year ago. I was going to post a quote from it but I think the whole post is about this very thing. So I'm just going to link it and also summarize some key points instead. Basically, I think I had a more simplistic understanding of life and the way things were going to turn out at 17, especially pre COVID based on my expectations of adulthood at the time. I felt like I could do anything given that I was at the top of my class, I was sociable, and I was creative. I had a bit of a grandiose attitude of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. And I guess at the time of writing this, there was a part of me that wished that I could return back to the naiveity from when I was 17 where I didn't know how deep systemic issues were, where I didn't know about COVID and how that was going to impact things going forward. 
• I feel like my corporate job was good at taking this tendency out of me. Because I still need to show up and fulfill my responsibilities even if I'm feeling off physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm still trying to find a good balance of pushing through vs taking a break but I do think that this job has helped me build my discipline muscle and that has seeped into other areas of my life. 
• The cycle is as follows: They have a vision in life (they're filled with excitement and potential) > they engage in life > it gets boring, gruelling, and disappointing or something comes up > they get dejected and lose motivation 
  • The puer aeternus can work hard and can even work long hours for a stretch of time but what they cannot do is work on a dreary morning where one has to kick themselves into work. 
    • This was very much me in the earlier part of college. I had the capability to work hard, pull all nighters, and cram at the last minute but I couldn't maintain a steady sense of discipline. I felt like that came on when I was like 21/22 as my frontal lobe began forming more lol. 

 

I think much of this attitude of putting life on a pedestal manifested when I was younger in my simplistic understanding in life and the grandiose attitude I had of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. In other words, this attitude presented itself in a very classic way in my teens and early 20s. But I think in my early to mid twenties, it manifests in a more inperceptible way, I think the way that I put life on a pedestal now can be seen through the lens of my anxieties rather than fantasies I escape to. I think that the at the root of my anxiety is how I overestimate the situations that are before me and I hype them up to be bigger than they are (basically putting them on a pedestal of sorts), causing me to get worked up in the process to where I don't put in my full effort.

For example, I don't like doing the dishes. In my mind, it takes forever and it's this huge drain on my energy. But realistically, it only take me like 10-15 min tops to do and it's not that bad. That's a really small example. A medium sized example is dealing with some of the responsibilities I have at work. Sometimes I put off some tasks that I find tedious, annoying, and time consuming, and I make it much worse than it is up in my head. But then, when I go to do it, it takes me at most 25 min. Nevertheless, it's something that I put off dealing with until the end of the day. A larger example is me putting off the surgery that I had. Don't get me wrong, I did put it off for good reason because I was carefully thinking through it. And I hesitated right up until the end. But a week or two after surgery, I was like *you know what, that wasn't that bad. I got through it. I made it waaaay scarier in my head.* Granted, my surgery process was really smooth but I think after seeing the plethora of things that can go on via the internet during my process of doing research, it freaked me out and I was bracing for the worst.

Another example that I can think of that I have written about in the post right before this one is how I tend to overestimate the people around me because they seem much more competent and put together as adults even though I know that they're not all that deep down. Like I know that I'm comparing my silliness behind the scenes to their polished exterior productions which causes me to infantilize myself and doubt myself. I overestimate the work that middle management does and I tend to think that it's harder and more stressful than it really is. I overestimate the realities of being a woman and think that I don't measure up to it or "feel like a woman" because I'm comparing my regular day to day to these broader narratives, fantasies, and stereotypes. There is a saying that all big goals are achieved by small consistent actions. But I feel like for me, because I overestimate my goals, it makes the small actions seem inconsequential which then causes me to understimate the very think that will lead me to where I want to go. That underestimation breeds a lack of action and apathy (because what's the point). And the overestimation causes me to sit idly, brewing in a state of anxiety. 

I'll use the job hunt as another example. I was overestimating how bad it was going to be for me personally when I was just about to graduate college. I thought it was probably going to take me 6-9 months for me to find a job and that it was going to be very mediocre. I was also freaking myself out based on what I was seeing in the economy in the mass scale. And it was to the point where I didn't want to take the small, consistent, and boring action of applying to jobs. Nevertheless, I put out like 10-20 applications, I got an offer, and I ended up getting a job 2 weeks after I graduated. I will admit, I got really lucky (I don't want this post to breed a sort of survivorship bias in me), but I was making the job hunt to be much worse than it was for my reality. I think it's good that I went in with a more realistic view of things in that I wasn't expecting an instant result of my efforts in this hyper positive, gradiose, putting the fantasy of life on a pedestal kind of way, but at the same time, I was putting the negative fantasy of the stuggles of life on a pedestal if that makes sense. 

I think there is merit to the whole *hope for the best and prepare for the worst* attitude I was raised with but I do think that the *prepare for the worst* portion of that attitude was emphasized much more. I think for me personally, I need to adopt the attitude of *hope for the best, acknowledge that things can go wrong and take necessary precautions, but focus on the journey in front of you rather than what you perceive it as.* I know it's not as quippy as the first saying but I think this a more balanced view for me personally. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Update on Horny Thoughts

It's been 2 weeks since I have posted the above. The horniness has calmed down quite a bit. At the time I made that post, I was flicking the bean multiple times a day and sex ruled all of my thoughts to where I felt like I couldn't really focus on work. Now, I feel like I can focus on most things but I still have this horniness in the back of my mind and bean flicking has gone down to regular levels lol. But I will say that I am reading smutty romance mangas, listening to very sexually charged music, and I'm making fake scenarios in my head before going to sleep. 

I can confidently confirm that the main reason why I was into R is because my birth control was messing with my head. I'm especially over him after I found out the questionable shit he has done at work. That basically disgusted me and also shattered the illusion I had of him being level headed and composed. I still think R has a pretty voice though. 

I mainly just think about L right now. I've been reflecting on what these fantasies mean and how I can go about fulfilling them in a healthy way, both sexually and psychologically. I've had a conversation with my partner about opening up the relationship and I found that to be helpful in terms of having transparency in our sex life. I feel that just having that conversation was like having a huge weight off my shoulders because I was in a place where my thoughts were coherent enough to communicate and because I'm not secretly losing my mind in the shadows lol. I felt like the horniness settled down after that. 

Edited July 7 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Between Friends 

Because I have been listening to so much music on Youtube recently, I have been getting recommendations for new artists. I found this duo called Between Friends and I'm enjoying their music. 

I will admit, I am enjoying the music videos more than the music itself. Part of it is that both people in this due are so beautiful to me. Another part of it is that it feels very 2008 but also very 2018 at the same time. I can't really articulate it to myself and why I feel like that. I like how chaotic and fun the first two videos feel. The last video, I'm in a trance with how good her hair looks due to the fan lmaoo. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

Edited July 7 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Social Stagnation 

I feel like I have been socially stagnating since I graduated college. Part of me feels like I peaked in high school socially which is pretty depressing to think about if you ask me considering my social peak wasn't all that much as a teenager lol. I remember being 15 and socially awkward and getting a speech from a teacher at the time that this and college are the time when it's easiest to make friends because you're around your peer group all the time and that shit is gonna get a lot harder as you get older. And I remember panicking at that time because I was thinking *I'm already struggling socially because I'm anxious, hella traumatized, and in a bad home environment, and overall just plain awkward, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE!?!?!*

Now that I'm older, I get what that teacher was talking about. It's not that friendship gets harder as you get older but that there is a separate skill set that you need to build for youself and also life just happens to people which can disrupt relationships. There is a whole logistical factor that you just don't learn about until you get older and it's a whole different beast to navigate. Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near as awkward I was 10 years ago and since I'm not in my home environment and have since gotten therapy, I don't have the same emotional challenges when it comes to keeping and maintaining friendships. And it's also nice that the people around me are also getting to an age where that's the same case for them as well so that we can communicate through our problems rather than start mess (not that I ever really got involved with mess growing up but still). So in some ways, friendship is easier now as an adult. But there is still a reason why I kind of miss the social environment of my high school and I want to explore that.

Here are reasons why I feel like I peaked in high school socially:

1. I had a diverse friend group in a diverse setting
   • I'm talking diversity in race, gender, and sexuality. I grew up in a relatively culturally diverse area and I'm glad that I got exposed to that early on because I think that contributed to my overall social well being as an adult, both in terms of personal relationships and also not falling into weird right wing rabbit holes. I think being around a lot of gay, bisexual, and trans kids also helped me not fall into the traps of heteronormativity and the weird relationship standards that can come with. I also had a decent amount of guy friends in high school and I think that has stopped me from going down the *all men are trash, incel, pick up artist, porn addicts* pipeline of being paranoid around men and being overly pessimistic about dating. I miss having completely platonic guy friends and touching grass in general lol. And of course, being around different kinds of people and different experiences is mentally enriching and I love how it has made me into a more empathetic and understanding person even in communities I'm not necessarily a part of. 
     • I can't say that I was besties with everyone but I did have a healthy mix of people I was close to, acquaintences, friends of friends, and people I was cool with. 
   • College was weird man... I went to this super conservative, wealthy, predominantly white school. I think it was good for me in the sense that I learned how to handle people from different backgrounds/ across the political spectrum and I learned not to put rich people on a pedestal. At the same time, while I learned how to deal with people, I did have issues making friends. And the pandemic certainly didn't help. I spent the first chunk of college being kind of antisocial because I was going through a lot mentally since I started therapy and got out of a bad home environment. The second chunk of college was the pandemic and everything was remote. And that was frustrating because the pandemic hit just the moment I felt comfortable to start putting myself out there again and I started resolving a lot of things in therapy. Instead, I got locked in the toxic home environment I was trying to heal from this entire time and I couldn't talk to people in person for like 2 years. Then, the final chunk of college, I did manage to make a handful of friends but I was also trying to graduate and mentally recuperate from the collective trauma of COVID so lets just say I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could easily make friends. And worst of all, while I'm dealing with all of this, for a lot of the wealthy kids, the pandemic was like a minor inconvenience so they're even more so detached from reality from before. I had to deal with a lot of pandemic denialism in my peer group. 
     • Thankfully, corporate has been better now that I'm around normal people lol. I'm not dealing with people who lack empathy and a sense of the normal shit that people deal with. But, it's not exactly a social environment because lord knows, I, a free spirited lefty degenerate who is contemplating being in an open relationship, cannot fully be myself around my conspiracy theory believing middle aged coworkers who are married with multiple kids. And there are limits of how close you can get to your coworkers because you don't want to ask questions that may seem intrusive in a work context but might be totally normal otherwise. There's a time and place for things lol.  Also, my corporate environment, though significantly better than my college, isn't the most diverse, at least in my age group. 
2. Socialization was built into every day life 
   • It was nice not having to essentially create a meeting in Google calander and have to plan shit in advance 4-6 weeks in advance. Sociability was waaay more accessible growing up. I think I read somewhere that it takes like 100 hours for someone to be good friends with a person. And while I don't think that's exact (I'm not telling my friends they've logged only 96.75 hours into our friendship so we aren't good friends lol), I think the principle of having to log a certain amount of time with a person to be friends with them rings true. And since sociability isn't as accessible for a variety of reasons from unstable work hours, living in different time zones, people prioritizing romantic relationships too much because we put more of an importance on that over platonic connections, people having kids, etc. it's MUCH harder to log in those 100 hours and takes a significantly longer time.
   • It's also easy to drift apart from people for the same reasons. The thing I hate the most about post college adulthood in the suburbs is that you're no longer living life along side your friends and instead, you're living your life off to the side and every few months, y'all just catch up instead of creating new memories together.  
     • Also, since you're doing only catch up stuff, sometimes you get the rude awakening that someone changed up on you in a weird way where y'all aren't aligned anymore on a values level but you weren't able to clock it since it's easy to put up a front for 3 hours once a month versus if you were to see this person on a regular day to day basis. 
3. The vibes have been OFF since COVID 
   • There is an increase in people cancelling last minute for social plans and people being overly reliant on apps to meet people. I also wrote about how convenience culture has made a ton of stuff that you would normally ask for help from friends into transactional exchanges. Plus, the world is rough right now for a lot of people and people are being overworked and that's definitely not good for the vibes and being able to show up for yourself, much less other people. It's another day, another existential crisis (or actual crisis). 
   • I sometimes try to have casual conversations with strangers in public and I've had people look at ME like I was the crazy one while I'm being met with the vape stare (our generation's equivalent of the Boomer lead paint stare lol). AND I'M IN THE FUCKING SOUTH WHERE THIS WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL. Like I get if I got this treatment in the Northeast or the Midwest, BUT I'M IN FUCKING TEXAS, THE STATE THAT IS LITERALLY NAMED AFTER THE NATIVE AMERICAN WORD FOR FRIENDS. It's also usually people my age who look at me like I'm crazy wheras older adults are relatively normal. I genuinely think COVID done fucked the young people up since we were squishy brained during the pandemic. 
     • On a side note, recently I had someone flirt with me at the grocery store a couple days ago. It was a very polite exchange and it caught me a little off guard since it's been a while. Then I realized that I haven't had anyone flirt with me in public since the pandemic. Like has the dating apps taken over so much more over the last 5ish years to the point that is the primary way people meet each other now? Granted, I haven't flirted with anyone in years since getting into my current realtionship, but still. I remember having little interactions here and there pre-pandemic, most of which were platonic with a few instances of involved flirting with others sprinkled in there. I also think that part of me wants to open this relationship so that I can flirt with people again because i feel like that has been a social muscle that I haven't utilized in a LONG time.
       •  And as result of not using that specific social muscle and also being kind of hermit like because of my remote job, while I'm better at navigating relationships at 25, in some ways I feel more awkward and less charismatic compared to what I was like at 19. But then again, 19 year old me had some delusional confidence that I no longer have at 25, so I think in that sense, it's probably for the best lol. 
   • I also heard that shit has been getting BAD back in the schools in terms of the Andrew Tates of the world and how a lot of things feel like they don't matter because of what's going on in the world. I feel like I had a relatively normal social experience with my peers back from 2014 to 2018 and graduating before COVID and TikTok becoming mainstream has me feeling like I caught the last chopper out of 'Nam. Not to mention that the streets have been extra rough in terms of dating because of the alpha male podcast bros and the normalization of incel culture. 

So basically, I was around a variety of people that made me feel socially enriched growing up, I had more opportunity to make friends, and people were generally less weird and chronically online back then. 

At the same time, while I do think I have stagnated socially after college, there are some ways I have felt like I have grown socially since graduating college. Here are some of those ways. 

1. Figuring out how to navigate professional relationships 
   • Presenting professionally at work: I think I'm better at looking like I have my shit together. I think it's also good that I haven't made being a free spirited lefty degenerate into my ENTIRE personality. 
   • Navigating office politics and office gossip in a constructive way: This has been interesting since I am now in a mixed age environment and it's important to know how to diplomatically deal with power dynamics to effectively communicate and diffuse issues before they start. 
   • Learning when to advocate for yourself, get feedback, and when/ where to pick a fight: I think that this goes hand in hand with navigating power dynamics but it also means learning to stand up for myself and my merits, taking constructive criticism and understanding when it makes sense to do so, and know the timing of standing for what you believe in. 
   • Finding out what boundaries work for you: I'm still figuring this out. I used to be really closed off at work and I've been working on warming up to my coworkers within reason. Not only to get more opportunities but also to just be a decent community member of sorts. It's been better for me and the existential crisis I have been having with feeling like I cannot be myself at work. 
2. Learning conflict resolution: I feel like there is more of an emphasis to work on certain relationships since it's harder to make friends. Also, it comes with time where even if you have been good friends with someone for a while, life happens and sometimes you do find yourself in disagreements with people and it's imporatant to know how to manage that and solve problems. 
3. Learning Community Building: Since community is no longer a given based on school and college, you do need to go out of your way to build that for yourself. And that's a whole skill that you need to put in active effort towards especially since shit like convenience culture has made it so that things like this don't happen automatically by existing anymore.  

I do think there is some merit as to why I feel like I'm socially stagnating after school. And it does make me sad that I wasn't able to socially bloom in the way that I wanted to back in college when a lot of people tend to come into themselves at that age. It is something that I had to mourn a little. At the same time, I don't think that this feeling of social stagnation is the most accurate evaluation of me developing socially over the years. Like there is most definitely something in the air but that's not like a death sentence socially speaking. Things are different and you do need to learn how to adapt and navigate the new environment.

[soos_mite_ah]

god, I hate having big titties. I swear they ruin everything 🙃

[soos_mite_ah]

The Fantasy of Adult Competence

I've been reflecting on the Puer Aternus videos that Dr. K. has put out and the subtle ways it shows up in my own life. I journalled about this privately and I'm trying to put this in a more coherent way in this journal. 

I was talking to a couple of people about the social stagnation that I have been feeling and observing, and how as a result, I feel like I'm back at being 15 and awkward again. On a similar note, I had an annual performance review at work a few days ago where I ended up underselling myself since at the time I was filling out the self assessment, I was being affected by self doubt due to things happening in my personal life. Thankfully,  I was able to spin it in a more positive direction of being humble and willing to learn rather than someone with an underlying sense of self deprecation so my boss and manager ended up seeing this as a positive thing. I think this relates to putting life on a pedestal and how this causes me to think that everyone else and the situations before me is more impressive than they actually are and as a result, I find myself getting to this self deprecating state. 

I have been finding myself feeliing like a loser at 25. I don't have a consistent sleep schedule especially when I'm emotionally going through things. I rotate between the same 5-6 meals because I don't particularly care for cooking but at the same time I do cook because it's a basic life skill (and sometimes I just skip meals when I'm emotionally going through it). I don't put my laundry away right away and I don't remember the last time I washed my sheets. I have ipad baby tendencies and the attention span of a gold fish. I use a lot of short cuts at work to avoid going insane and I often feel like I'm giving my bare minimum even though I have somehow convinced my boss that this isn't the case. I have trouble opening up to people and being vulnerable. I have a total of two people I talk to on a regular basis and other than that I'm pretty much a hermit. I have a few hobbies here and there but nothing that I'm super dedicated to or good at. I'm not exactly ugly but I would say that I'm a solid 5. I was kind of eh.. in college and I wouldn't say I'm particularly intelligent either. And I'm most certainly not particularly bubbly, positive, charismatic and socially gifted. I'm mediocre and underwhelming in every way. 

I have felt this way consistently over the years on and off. It's not that I haven't grown or improved, I have and I can recognize it. But the moments of growth and the confidence I get from it feel like little blips in a broader sense of mediocrity. Maybe this is just a byproduct of getting older but it feels like everything is a moving target. Like I'm sure if I met my 20 year old or my 15 year old selves, they would be pretty impressed with me and think I'm this super competent, well put together professional, who is also good with people, self aware, charismatic, educated, and conscious person. I'm sure if you put me in a room full of 15 year olds, I would come off as cool as shit and at like the 99th percentile of having your life together. But, if you put me in room with other 25 year olds, I would probably be in the 60th percentile (and that's being generous). And back when I was 15, I still felt like I was in the 60th percentile of my peer group as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I have grown in an absolute sense but not in a relative sense and that's what makes self development feel like a moving target. 

I think part of it is understanding and meeting what is considered normal in your peer group. It's easy for a 20 year old to idolize the average 30 year old because the 20 year old is in a different stage of life and they don't know what's normal for a 30 year old. There is also an element of being in the hedonic treadmill as it relates to self improvement. I also think you can improve on how you deal with various situations but the fact that you struggle sometimes doesn't negate you being a competent and mature adult. It just negates the fantasy you have of what a competent and mature adult looks like. I think when it comes to dealing with processing difficult emotions, I do go back to my nigh owl tendencies because often, during the day, I'm preoccupied with fulfilling various responsibilities and I don't have the free unstructured time to just let my mind do whatever until it's like 11 pm at night. And while skipping meals isn't good, I think having a couple of quick and easy meals you can do while emotionally going through it is normal because you need to prioritize processing instead of pressuring youself to be extraordinary in the kitchen. And sure, there are a few things here and there that I can do better at like putting my laundry away and keeping the kitchen clean but I don't have to hold myself to the image of perfection. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that while my habits might not max out for efficiency when I'm processing something, that doesn't mean that I'm being incompetent as an adult. Sure, my sleep schedule isn't efficient in terms of me being at a 100% at my job or when I'm working out, but it's efficient in helping me figure my shit out and after discussing this with a therapist, it honestly comes from a healthy place for me. But we also live in a place where we put waking up at 5 am and getting to bed at 9 pm, and working out every single day as the pinnicle of health and productivity even if that might not work for some people. It's a fantasy of being well adjusted, not the reality of it. The same can be said in relation to my hobbies and my current social connections. Sure, I can improve, but I do have a decent baseline I'm working with and that is for the most part working for me.  

But then there is the question of why do I feel like I have to be extraordinary, larger than life, and in the 90th percentile of having your life together as an adult in the first place? What's wrong with being average? And the reasons why I'm asking these questions is because, first of all, I'm not stunted and despite my feelings. I'm doing relatively well in my life. And secondly, there is a whole thing with the puer aternus archetype where they live in fantasy and cannot deal with the discipline of dealing with mundane life. As a result, they can get kind of self agrandizing or manic when it comes to dealing with life. 

I have a few ideas of where this might come from. 

I don't like the feeling of being mediocre. Maybe this is the achiever in me or perhaps it's my own sense of narcissism. I guess it makes me feel like I cannot make a difference in the world or be recognized if I'm mediocre. But the reality is that you don't have to be extraordinary to make a difference. You just need to be a normal person who keeps showing up and doing the boring work and not give a fuck about getting recognized. 

My ego wants me to be this well put together person and is hyper aware about my flaws. I don't want to feel incompetent and like I'm 15 and awkward again even though my self image hasn't really changed and every now and then old insecurities crop back up. I suppose I have this fantasy of adulthood where if you grew up and developed yourself that you won't have to deal with self doubt or negative states like depression, anxiety, etc again. Even if I didn't put specific adults on a pedestal, I put this image of adulthood on a pedestal that didn't have room for incompetence or error. I think I still see myself as the awkward, kinda dorky/weird kid. I don't think other people really see me in this way but I feel like that self image is burned in my head and I still relate to it in times of self doubt. And when my old insecurities or mental states come back, I find myself wondering if I'm stunted or abnormal as an adult. But I guess having moments of self doubt is normal even as you grow older. You can manage it and resolve it but you may still encounter another layer of this issue at times when you're vulnerable. Whether you're stunted or not isn't determined by encountering this additional layer, it's your ability to manage and resolve things in a responsible manner. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Nihilism Part 9: Case Studies through the Classes

I wrote about different ways the nihilism problem can manifest across the spiral stages.

On 6/21/2025 at 0:10 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Stage Green: The nihilism can come from not seeing change soon enough and getting burnt out in the process of seeing chaos constantly ensue (i.e. compassion fatigue, overstimulation, feeling like things are just getting worse with no end in sight). It can also masquarade as being rebellious and not wanting to take part in a system (i.e all of the leftist who don't do anything other than fight each other on Twitter)

Stage Orange: The nihilism can come from a lack of humanness in the world around you due to automation because you have essentially outsourced human satisfaction to technology (i.e. using Ai for all of your assignments instead of taking the time to learn, replacing hobbies and critical thinking with scrolling and consumerism, getting too comfortable and distracted to act, the difference between walking and driving places, aiming for efficiency and convenience rather than beauty, mindfulness, etc.) 

Stage Blue: The nihilism can come from an attitude of only caring about your immidiate family and literallly nothing else (i.e. nothing is important unless it affects me personally at my doorstep, conspiratorial thinking, a lack of epistemological literacy to where you're not verifying any sources and you're engaging in magical thinking/ peasant brain). 

But I've also been taking mental note of other manifestations of the nihilism and feeling of pointlessness/ emptiness here and there. I think I'll make another post on other cases I'm seeing the nihilism show up but now I'm going to focus on economic classes:  

I came across this video about this one influencer who really kicked off the stay at home girlfriend trend on social media. And of course, I can talk about the importance of having your own qualifications and means to support yourself as woman instead of relying on everything on a man (especially if you don't have the legal protection of being a wife). But what struck me in this video is the undercurrent of nihilism that permeates through this woman's life before and during this relationship. 

Before she got into this relationship, she was like a fitness influencer who also dabbled in OF. She was getting a degree in architecture and basically said that she realized that she wasn't going to use this degree because her interests started going towards content creation. Gonna be honest, that struck me weird. Don't get me wrong, I understand that interests can change, especially when you're young, but it's like the way she said it and her over all lifestyle, it's reminding me of person who never really cared about their education in the first place. I wrote about it in the past on how I believe that anti-intellectualism and the cultural nihilism goes hand in hand. 

Then, this woman meets this guy, changes her whole personallity and business to center him, and does this stay at home girlfriend type content. She also leaves all of her friends and family behind to go to Puerto Rico with this man. At first, it seem aesthetic and calming, an escape from the hustle. But then people started noticing on how empty and vapid it is. Like her whole day in the videos comprises of her doing her skincare routine, doing basic chores, filling up a water bottle, drinking matcha, and making a smoothie bowl. Then, people started zooming in on her videos where she mentioned journalling and noticed that this woman feels very empty on the inside and how her life basically revolves around this guy and nothing else. 

Nevertheless, there is a group of people who still idolizes her content because of the way that it is a fantasy to escape from capitalism. But then I remember thinking of the Slavoj Zizek quote: 

Quote

Ideology is not just the world we live in, but especially the wrong ways we imagine to escape it.

Yes, this influencer might have escaped the nihilism of a tireless corporate job and is living a comfortable existance. But, the soft girl life, where you're being provided by a rich man, you're spending a shit ton of time and energy on your appearance/ relaxing, you're doing these expensive work out classes, you're hanging out with other people in a similar class of trophy wives, you're engaging in luxury and hyper consumption etc.  is still another capitalist fantasy that is sold to you to give you the illusion of letting go of capitalism, thus trapping us in it's ideology. 

A lot of wealthy people have a sense of spiritual poverty that causes this form of nihilism to really thrive. They don't care about education that leaves them feeling more conscious rather the education is empty in the sense that college is a social club and only a means to the end of getting money. They don't care about community unless it's built on exclusivity where they can hide out in their rich bubbles. They're numbed out by over consumption and their lives are a constant dick measuring contest. They don't know, or care to know, what normal people go through because it doesn't affect them. Many of them don't have a personality that they themselves have created so they bend over to whatever their rich buddies are doing to seem in the loop (hell this girl strikes me as someone who didn't have much going on internally so she latched on to this guy and morphed into him). And a lot of this nihilism can best be seen in the circles of trophy wives and their kids which is an environment that I was exposed to in college. Their wealth isolates them and shields in them from any challenges to where their character and their souls have atrophied. These people give off big NPC energy and are very interchangable. It's a very specific form of upper middle class to upper class brainrot. I know that specific glazed eye look when I see it. 

--------------------------------------------

Then, I also think this nihilism is also a product of Marx's alienation therory. I feel like this sums up a lot of the nihilism in middle and working class people: 

The work itself isn't the problem. I think there is benefit of work and being challenged in your life, especially in the form of fulfilling, long term goals. The problem is the alienation. 

I think there are two forms of alienation that manifests for the middle class vs the working class. I think a lot of middle class corporate jobs can be head empty, no thoughts. And that breeds a specific type of exhaustion the podcast talks about in the form of bullshit jobs. Bullshit jobs by definition feels pointless (which breeds nihilism) and often times you're just busy for the sake of being busy. And as I have been trying to cultivate the light in my soul again, I found that this form of exhaustion needs to be dealt with in a counter-intuitive way. Rather than vegging out on social media after a long day of work, you need to do things that actively bring you fulfillment and challenge you in a way that you find enjoyable and meaningful. But, the path of least resistance is to space out on social media and doomscroll if we're being totally honest. And I think that exhaustion can come from over exerting yourself, but it can also come from underexerting yourself as well to where your humanness wastes away from a lack of use. It reminds me of this Marx quote:

Quote

The less you eat, drink and read books; the less you go to the theatre, the dance hall, the public house; the less you think, love, theorize, sing, paint, fence, etc., the more you save-the greater becomes your treasure which neither moths nor dust will devour-your capital. The less you are, the more you have; the less you express your own life, the greater is your alienated life-the greater is the store of your estranged being.

And of course, there is the traditional form of burn out that comes from being overworked and underpaid to where you have no stability in your life and you're constantly running around just to keep your head above water which means you don't have the time or energy to focus on things that make you happy and fulfilled. The first form of alienation described above is characterized by meaninglessness while this one is characterized by insecurity, usually of material conditions (i.e. contract/ gig work, lack of health insurance, not being able to pay rent etc.). 

Marx also described leisure outside of work as a sacred time where people can allow themselves to be and just enjoy regular human things. But unfortunately, through things like social media, the attention economy, entertainment, they too are weaponized as arms of capitalism and an extention of alienation. I like on how the podcast above touches on that. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Fantasy 

I feel like I have been talking about fantasies a lot in my journal recently, in this page particularly. The word "fantasy" appears 29 times and the word "fantasises" shows up 9 times prior to me writing this post. I've been reflecting on various forms of fantasy range from sexual fantasies, fantasies that are misconceptions of how things actually work, fantasies that reproduce existing ideologies, fantasies that we get lost in, and fantasies that we then use find ourselves in. I suppose this is byproduct of me trying to reconnect with my desires in an existential sense since fantasy can be an insightful window into what we want or are taught to want. It can prove to be a safe environment to engage in pleasure or some kind of psychological need without actively putting ourselves in harms way that comes with the reality of a situation (think consensual BDSM vs being in the hands of an actual abuser). But, if we're not careful, in some situations, that can escape from the actual work and reality can lull us in to complacency (think fantasizing about being wealthy housewife that doesn't do much other than drink matcha and seeing that as an escape from capitalism rather than putting the actual work to make a better life for people). 

And, while I do want to connect with my desires in a sustainable way, I don't want them to control me. I want my relation to my desires to drive me to engage with life rather than to escape from it to where my eyes are glazed over in a haze. I might not always like reality, but I never want to take it for granted. I don't want to dissolve my empathy and divorce myself from the tragedies happening around me. I don't want to sacrifice my critical thinking for the sake of not going insane in this information environment. I don't want to be stingy with my energy in the effort of self-preservation to where I shy away from annoyance and inconvenience when they're often the byproduct of long term fulfilling goals. I don't want trade my sensuality for uncanny, inhuman perfection. And I certainly don't want to disconnect from a sense of passion, hope, and earnestness for the sake of invulnerable, apathetic, nonchalance. 

I want to be more human in a world that's trying to take that away from us. And analyzing fantasy is not only my way of exploring that humanness, but it's also my way of analyzing the things that cower us away from embracing the full breadth of our humanness. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Gen Z Stare

On 7/11/2025 at 3:35 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The vibes have been OFF since COVID 

• ...
• I sometimes try to have casual conversations with strangers in public and I've had people look at ME like I was the crazy one while I'm being met with the vape stare (our generation's equivalent of the Boomer lead paint stare lol). AND I'M IN THE FUCKING SOUTH WHERE THIS WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL. Like I get if I got this treatment in the Northeast or the Midwest, BUT I'M IN FUCKING TEXAS, THE STATE THAT IS LITERALLY NAMED AFTER THE NATIVE AMERICAN WORD FOR FRIENDS. It's also usually people my age who look at me like I'm crazy wheras older adults are relatively normal. I genuinely think COVID done fucked the young people up since we were squishy brained during the pandemic. 

I haven't been super online lately due to me cutting back on my screentime. But apparently, people are talking about the Gen Z stare and how especially the younger half of Gen Z is awkward / nonchalant / don't have basic social skills. Some people are trying to push back and say that the Gen Z stare is just customer service workers looking at you like you're stupid and not wanting to exert extra effort into socializing when they already don't get paid enough. I think there is some validity to that along with how exhausting and unsustainable this world is and how sometimes old people be doing too much and feel entiled to interaction. But besides a customer service setting, I do think there is a broader problem in the lack of IRL socialization. 

I saw this video and I felt seen and like I'm not going crazy lol. I'm glad I'm not the only one noticing that something is weird in the air.

[RendHeaven]

fucking aura farming😭