Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

Finding the Fire in My Soul Again + Horny Thoughts: 

As I have been trying to work out my feelings around cultural nihilism and the way that the nihilism manifests for me personally, I have been dealing with some interesting emotions as of late. Here is a brief overview over my existential crisis about igniting the fire in my soul again : 

On 5/29/2025 at 8:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I also had a long conversation with one of my friends about how I don’t really have a fire in my soul per my birth chart (cuz we like to use astrology as a short hand for discussing personal qualities lol) and that causes things such as me lacking energy, lacking main character energy, lacking initiative, lacking impulsivity, and lacking in my anger responses. There is a good side to most of these things. I might be low energy but I’m also a relatively chill person who can find joy and fulfillment in the little, quieter things in life and I don’t have to be constantly stimulated. My lack of main character energy often manifests itself as me being humble and not making bad, plot worthy decisions. I’m not impulsively doing dumb shit. I’m not sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and being obnoxious with my sense of initiative. Finally, my lack of anger responses allows me to think through things clearly and not jeopardize my relationships.

Nevertheless, there are downsides which triggered this existential crisis. My low energy causes me to not work as hard or play as hard. My lack of main character energy leaves me feeling like I’m not engaged with life and that I cannot hype myself up and advocate for myself. My lack of initiative and impulsivity causes life and opportunities to pass me by. My lack of anger responses causes me to not take action in correcting what I feel is unjust and stops me from standing up for myself. Instead, I find myself crying in the corner, rotting in bed, and scrolling endlessly on social media. One of the biggest things I hate about myself is how my response to stress or someone coming at me crazy is flight/freeze instead of fight. Like lowkey, one of my regrets from high school is how I didn’t join the debate team, because maybe if I did, I would have some fucking balls.

(To tie it in with my previous post, I'm worried about this lack of fire in my soul as a character flaw rather than a personality issue. I don't think I have to change myself to be this overly outgoing and impulsive person in terms of my personality but rather I want to cultivate a sence of passion, initiative, and integrity so that I'm more true to my values character wise) 

I have been kind of throwing things at the wall to see what will work in terms of bringing this spark back into my life. Basically, my strategy for now is literally do anything except scroll on social media. Read a book. Write in your journal. Dance to music alone in your apartment. Hang out with people. Jack off. Cook something from scratch and try a new recipe. Sit in silence when you feel like decompressing instead of zoning out on Tiktok. Watch an Al Pacino movies on silent. Get coffee and talk to the barista. Do a work out class. Idk, just do literally anything to actively engage with life. Inconvenience and using your energy is not going to kill you or drain you but excessive convenience might in the same way that your brain and body decays not by using them but by not using them. 

At the same time, about a month or so ago, I've dealt with a situation where I ran out of birth control and it took some time before my doctor got the prescription together so that I can get my medication again. As a result, I had a two week period where I wasn't on birth control. And since I have a hormonal imbalance that the birth control regulates, those two weeks threw me off. Thankfully, I didn't deal with many side effects other than breaking out a little more and having some low energy here and there which is a minor inconvenience. But the thing that has been fucking me up is the way that those two weeks threw off my sex drive and messed with my sense of attaction to men. Basically, I have been hornier than usual and i'm thinking of people in ways that I typically don't. And I think I'm going to write about it here so I can process that lol. 

The first person I want to talk about is my coworker who I'm going to call R. R is a gym rat who doesn't season his chicken and I kinda thought he looked weird for the longest time because he kind of reminded me of this hairless cat both interms of his physique and his vanity/body image issues: 

But recently, he's been kind of stressed at work so as a result he hasn't been hitting his protein goals and working out in the way that he normally does. I can tell because he's been complaining about that and because he now looks more like a normal person since he has thinned out a bit. R is one of those naturally skinny guys who basically has to do crazy shit to maintain a yolked appearance. In other words, the man has lost weight, looks more like his normal self, and as a result, i'm not getting uncanny valley, hairless cat vibes from him. Instead, in my opinion, he looks pretty good and kind of toned. 

R also has a really attractive voice in my opinion. He has a southern accent and this deep soothing voice that is at the same time kind of authoratative. Even if I don't really like him as a person and physically he reminded me of the hairless cat video, even in the first day of this job, I always got a little flustered talking to him because he has such a beautiful voice. Given my line of work, this is also like the perfect customer service voice since angry clients do need to be calmed down but at the same time you can't just be a pushover lol. R is also kind of stoic, cold, and stern personality wise. This is not the type of guy I'm usually into. But I think that I'm into him now because 1. birth control is making me act weird and 2. because my current partner is the opposite of all of those things. My current partner, X,  is very silly, warm, nurturing, kind, and playful. That's what I love about him and that's what makes our relationship fulfilling because it compliments my personality while also being a good fit for me emotionally. I guess the way I would describe it is that X is like a chocolate lava cake that is the start of the show is warm, sweet, and has a lot going on for you to enjoy. But when I'm enjoying a lava cake, I do crave ice cream on the side to complement the lava cake. I probably wouldn't crave vanilla ice cream if the lava cake wasn't there. In other words, R is the ice cream. It's not necessarily his personality that I find attractive rather it's the contrast of what I typicaly go for. 

Here's the problem with R. R is a conservative who has said a bunch of questionable shit at work. While he's not a die hard Trump supporter, he has mentioned that he has a few friends who have a shrine dedicated to Trump and by the sound of it, the man wasn't joking. He also seems to have questionable morals around women or at the very least hangs out with questionable people. R has mentioned that he's afraid of getting falsely accused of abuse or rape which had me raise and eyebrow. Either he has done something questionable, the people he knows has, or he has no sociological understanding of the likelihood of a woman coming with these claims. R also made a comment about passport bros and it's unclear on exactly which side he's on, whether he's acknowledging the power dynamic between having a money and coming across a woman in a third world country, or he's fantasizing about being in that position to "easily change girl's life with $20." Given his history, I'm unfortunately willing to bet the later. And while he is the type of person I don't want to associate with myself outside of work, I have learned how to work with him and not be weird in social setting where he's there. He's weird character and questionable morals politically thankfully isn't bleeding into the way that he professionally carries himself so it's not like he profiling people, spreading gossip, being opprotunistic with upper management, or being shady throwing members of our team under the bus. I actually respect R's work ethic and the way that he professionally stands up for himself and others. In other words, he doesn't seem like a total dumbass. 

On top of his questionable character, R is also in a relationship. I have no interest in pursuing R since 1. I'm not a homewrecker, 2. I don't want to fuck a conservative, 3. I don't want to throw my current relationship in the trash and hurt someone I care about, and 4. I don't want to fuck up my career trajectory and reputation. That man has HELL NO written all over him, attractive physique and voice aside. Like sure, I fantasize about him bending me over and telling me what to do and having hate sex, but the fleeting thought of acting on it or getting into a relationship (platonic, romantic, fwb) with this guy has me feeling like this cat: 

Then there is my professor from like 6 years ago. I'm going to call him L. I had a pretty long period where I fantasized about this man until I found someone who had a similar personality and was more appropriate to date. He was a placeholder of sorts and I didn't want to act on it. I stopped thinking about this guy once I got into my current relationship, but I never stopped finding him attractive. He kind of looked like Al Pacino in THE 70s (not to be confused with Al Pacino in HIS 70s) except he was a couple shades darker (L is South Asian, not Italian lol) and had more body hair. L is the only person that I have found attractive without any prior emotional attachment. He was so beautiful. He had this gorgeous wavy hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. He also did the slutty thing that guys do which is roll up his sleeves. Like deadass, I am this meme. 

He also had softer facial features, full lips, and really expressive dark brown eyes. I also like darker features in general. I'm not really into guys who are overly masculine looking (like no giga chads for me lol). And on top of all of this, he is a short king! I like shorter guys (think around 5'5" to 5'8") because I'm on the shorter end and it just feels more proportional. And not to be gross, but I feel like if you have a big height difference with your partner, that certain sex positions just don't work or is logistically harder to do. I feel embarrassed that I'm still thinking about L after so long to where a lot of this is just hard write (I'm probably gonna delete this post and keep it private, idk). 

My type is men who look like this: 

My current partner on the other hand looks more like a young Ryan Gosling.

Don't get me wrong, I am attacted to X, but he's not my type. I'm not one to reject someone for superficial reasons. I'm comfortable with compromising my preferences but I don't compromise my standards. Like I might like shorter guys, but i'm not going to reject someone if they're taller (my man is like 6'1"). And X is the only person I have ever been with. We are each others' first and only everything. I have talked about this with my partner about how we are both late bloomers and we're each other's first everything. And since neither of us are particularly jealous and possessive, we are open to the idea of an open relationship upon further discussion.

I'm pretty satisfied with my relationship with X and I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong in our relationship. I'm just kind of in a place where I want to explore. I have a higher sex drive due to the birth control messing with me. I feel more confident and present in my body since having the surgery. And that is also making me want to put myself out there more instead of hiding away in shame of how I'm perceived.  I have this urge to put myself out there whether that means dancing and going out more, or flirting with people. I think part of it is that I want to cultivate a more passionate and engaged life given the existential crisis i'm going through. There is a good Tiktok that I saw about how society right now is in this weird place where people are hypersexualized but there is a sense of prudishness due to a lack sensuality. There is a phrase that really harks on this sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. We chase perfection in terms of societal beauty standards but we lose a sense of humanness along the way. Like who tf is having sex after a 10 step skin care routine and after you put on 5 products for your morning shed?!?! The creator of the Tiktok was talking about how as romance author, it's very easy for her to find graphic sex scenes in romance novels but those books doen't a do a good job at capturing the sensuality and the build up of everyday life and the relationship dynamic. And ultimately, this lack of sensuality is coming from a place of not being present in our lives and in our bodies, in being disengaged with life itself. 

With L, and I guess guys who look like L like young Al Pacino, I feel like there is an itch that hasn't been scratched because I've never done anything with a guy who was my type. With R, I think there is a desire to explore different personality types and relationship dynamics than what I'm used to. But there are some things that are stopping me from having the conversation to open up my relationship.

1. I don't know how much of this is just the birth control making me act weird. This could just be a phase that lasts a couple months. I know that the moment that I started on my birth control, I stopped being attracted to R. I still think his voice is beautiful, but I'm not fantasizing about him anymore (and thank god because the cognitive dissonance was NOT FUN) 
2. I'm not super confident in my sexual performance to do anything with other guys other than my partner. I get tired kind of easily. I'm not super into giving head. I like cuddling more than having sex. And penetration is either not pleasurable at best or painful at worst (it's mostly physiological rather than psychological. Like I'm turned on and relaxed but it still doesn't feel great). And I think a lot of guys would look at me like I'm sexually awful in bed. 
3. As much as I want to explore guys who look different and who have different personalities, I feel like a lot of men do not pass my standards in terms of character, especially given the current political climate. I don't trust strangers to have access to my body especially given the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Not to mention, there is a physical safety issue to consider. I don't think I can do like one night stands. Fwb, maybe after hanging out with the guy a few times without anything sexual to make sure they aren't psychotic (or worse, a guy who listens to alpha male podcast bros).
   • R is attractive and has a good personality, but questionable character. I don't know much about L's character but when it comes to Al Pacino, so many of the characters he plays on screen are so questionable to where I have been watching movies on silent so that I can enjoy how good he looks but not have his character ruin the vibe. Also, Al Pacino irl is like 85 and he had a daughter who is YOUNGER than me and he's with women who are like half his age. Again, bad character. It has me feeling like the cat throwing up at the sight of broccoli video above. So I can't even have the fantasy of going back in time to 1975 and fucking him because he's a weirdo irl. There are so many guys that I saw in college who I thought was attractive until they started saying weird shit. Like you were hot before you started lecturing me about the carnivore diet and fan girling over Elon Musk. 
   • Like this desire to explore and have fun but also not hang around questionable creatures has me feeling frustrated emotionally and sexually. 

Like, why can't men shut up and look pretty? 

I know that sounds very misandrist of me to say. A lot of misogynists have the same view about women. But the difference between me saying this and a misogynist is that a misogynist doesn't want a woman with opinions or a personality because they don't view women as people. I on the other hand love a zesty man with personality and opinions. I just don't like it when the personality and opinions are bad and are reflective of horrid character. 

Edited June 22 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

What I Get Out of Internet and Social Media 

So I have been trying to cut down on my social media usage and how much I'm online in general. I watched a good HealthyGamerGG video that was talking about how if you want to overcome a video game addiction or social media addiction for example, you want to figure out what psychological need the video game is fulfilling and then go out in the world and replicate that in a more sustainable way in real life. I want to reflect on that more.

I also liked this quote from the video from 15:15 to 15:39:

Quote

 

So the reason why it's hard to balance is because balance is chasing inefficiency. You have to do things that are not rewarding and then it becomes really hard because how do you do things that are not rewarding? There is no behavioral reinforcement. Or the behavioural reinforcement is so low. So what I would recommend for anyone who is trying to balance is think about what you get the MOST out of this activity. 

 

I really like the phrase "balance is chasing inefficiency" in this context because it ties in what i talked about on how convenience and optimization culture and how it sucks the fulfillment out of life: 

Anyways, here is my reflections on Dr. K's video:

1. Educating myself: I feel like the reason why I watch hours of video essays and watch tiktok takes is because it leaves me feeling more educated. And I think there is a basis of reality in that feeling because I'm pretty well informed with what's happening in the world since I'm not just taking in slop. I love learning about politics, different social issues, and different cultures from the content I consume. I also think that educating myself leads me to feeling like I'm doing something to further the social causes I care about because I'm expanding my consciousness, I'm posting about things, and that kind of educational content allows me to have conversations with people irl. 

• Ways to educate yourself and engage politically without the internet: Read + volunteer + phone bank + protest + go to city hall meetings 

2. I feel like I need a break and turn my brain off: Sometimes I want to see something silly or scroll endlessly for an hour or so to decompress from work or to decompress from being outside all day

• Ways to turn your brain off without the internet: Go on a walk, work out, draw/ paint, dance around in your room, have sex, meditate, take a short nap 

3. A feeling of connection through parasocial relationships and by being in the know for different trends: I noticed that I tend to not be on social media or the internet when I have a full social schedule. I think sometimes, I resort to certain types of content for the sake of relating to others who have similar views and interests and wanting to be relatable and in the know with what's happening with pop culture. 

• Ways to feel more connected to people: go into the office and talk to your coworkers, socialize with your friends more often by calling them, hang out with your significant other, talk to strangers, join your local DSA. 

 

I also have a few goals / strategies I'm employing to combat my sense of nihilism that is being exacerbated by me being on my phone: 

1. Read one book every 1-2 weeks: started on this goal but I cannot say I have been doing a good job tbh. 
2. Replace your current iphone with a Blackberry that doesn't have social media: I've tried to delete the apps, log out, or have limits on the apps but none of these have worked. So I'm going to switch over to a Blackberry for a few months to see how that works out. Plus i've seen some videos of people switching out their smart phone or a dumb one and that has helped heal the brain rot.
3. Phone bank: I've only done this once so far and it's been great
4. Protest: I find that this is helpful in processing collective grief. I also think it's fun to paint various signs. 
5. Close your eyes for like 15-20 min instead of scrolling when you feel like you need to decompress after work or after you get home from being out and about
6. Get back into the habit of working out: helps me turn off my brain and lets me physically engage with life more 

Later, I want to start volunteering, start doing to DSA meetings, be more active in local politics. I also want to socially be out there more and have more friends who resonate with me. And one day, I want to move to a walkable city. That all sounds like a lot at the moment so I'm going to focus on the handful of things I listed above. 

[RendHeaven]

15 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

 

Edited June 23 by RendHeaven

[RendHeaven]

15 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

 

Jaw actually dropped

God we're so human

Blessing and a curse

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Anyways, here is my reflections on Dr. K's video:

My phone broke down a few months ago and I simply never bothered to replace it.

As a completely phoneless person, I miss nothing.

Edited June 23 by RendHeaven

[soos_mite_ah]

9 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Jaw actually dropped

God we're so human

Blessing and a curse

I'm glad this amuses you lol. I'm still contemplating on deleting this post depnding on how embarrassed I feel 

9 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

My phone broke down a few months ago and I simply never bothered to replace it.

As a completely phoneless person, I miss nothing.

That sounds great! Happy for you. 

[RendHeaven]

58 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm glad this amuses you lol. I'm still contemplating on deleting this post depnding on how embarrassed I feel 

Right, edited the quoted passages from earlier.

of course this is amusing... I have the same messed up thoughts but from the opposite sadistic angle

I think spiritual people will try to explain away outrageous sexual power play as "(s)he has trauma" implying that sadomasochism must come from some sort of unresolved wound

but I think there is a real sincerity and pure honesty in wanting to brutally conquer/be conquered

from the masculine POV, it's obvious why dominating a woman and watching her melt into submission is awesome. totally self explanatory. you feel powerful, in control, and you witness her in her most vulnerable... all for you. You simply win. This is heroin on crack.

but the feminine POV is far more fascinating. it's not obvious at all why letting a guy have his way with you to the point of helplessly following orders and being totally used would feel thrilling and awesome.

In large part I suspect this confusion has to do with our unspoken cultural assumptions around domination = winning VS submission = losing, and nobody wants to feel that they are the loser. It doesn't exactly feel empowering to announce that you let yourself lose all control and became someone else's toy. And masochism on paper just sounds like self harm or self hatred, which is a big no no if you're on a self-love journey. That's a destruction of personal will and agency, which is not something that any sane person would celebrate.

But there is something a little insane about the pure feminine when it allows itself to be vulnerable and honest. She feels catharsis as she melts her pride and willingly 'loses' herself under his presence.

Though I can only vaguely imagine what that would be like - I suspect that in a twisted way, the woman who fully surrenders actually feels more powerful than even the man. In destroying herself, she receives all the credit for bestowing heaven onto her man. Make no mistake, the guy gets NO credit for her submission. The guy opens the door but she walks through.

A guy can never actually "make" a woman submit to him - which is why actual rape is deplorable and vile, but rape fantasies are hot as fuck (because she imagines herself choosing to give in). In the ideal fantasy, even as she is reduced to something resembling slave-status, the fact that she elected to go there makes her the secret final boss pulling all the strings in the end. The guy may be the one to bend her over and plows her passionately with no mercy thinking that he claimed her - but all along, it was actually she who claimed herself and him.

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

I think spiritual people will try to explain away outrageous sexual power play as "(s)he has trauma" implying that sadomasochism must come from some sort of unresolved wound

but I think there is a real sincerity and pure honesty in wanting to brutally conquer/be conquered

I agree, it's not always a trauma thing and painting it as such just pathologizes sometimes normal human desires and tendencies and creates shame where you can't be honest with yourself of your partner. Like sometimes, it's just a kink or fantasy lol. There are men who like to be submissive just like women lol. It's not really gender thing but I guess patterns exist due to what we consider normal and how we socialize people. 

At the same time, it can be a trauma thing for some people but that's something that the person dealing with the fantasy has to determine for themselves and come to their own conclusion on or have a therapist look into things if things are serious. Something as personal as sexual fantasies, unless they're really egregious (something super violent, plays on racist stereotypes, wanting to actually violate consent, hypersexuality / not taking necessary precautions etc.) and it escalates from a fleeting thought to actively wanting to act on it, is not something for strangers on the internet, spiritual or otherwise, to determine if its coming from a place of trauma. 

Like I know for me personally, I tend to switch between being the more dominant and being the more submissive partner sexually depending on my mood. I do have my preferences of guys who look a certain way. And there are some sensual experiences that I like during sex that have nothing to do with trauma upon further introspection. However, when I was younger, I did have a fantasy of going for much older guys (think 8-13 years older than me) and I know that wasn't coming from a healthy place. It was a mix between the biases I grew up with, feelling like I couldn't relate to people my age because of how my trauma at the time aged me, and a sense of conditioning where older guys tend to hit on me because I looked older so as a result, I began to associate desire with older men. Thankfully, I never encountered a predator and these guys would back tf off when they realized how young I was and I didn't act on any of these feelings. But I did give myself the time and space to explore those fantasies in a healthy way, figure out where they're coming from, and honor what was coming up.

That said, being into older partners isn't always a trauma thing. Sometimes it's just being young and looking up to people or sometimes, you just like the way some people look as they get older. Sometimes, after you get older, 5-8 years of a difference isn't as much of a big deal and there isn't an undercurrent of weirdness there in terms of power dynamics regarding the overall dynamic.  

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

In large part I suspect this confusion has to do with our unspoken cultural assumptions around domination = winning VS submission = losing, and nobody wants to feel that they are the loser. It doesn't exactly feel empowering to announce that you let yourself lose all control and became someone else's toy

I agree. I think the binary of domination = winning VS submission = losing is a part of the patriarchial framework to a certain extent. Like, I've heard of stories of insecure guys getting defensive when their female partner wants to do something nice for them and get them a present or pay for dinner, or the woamn is having a more active role in sex and is more dominating in the dynamic. 

At the same time, there is a difference between talking about this in the context of sex between consenting adults versus the overall relationship dynamic one has (I'm sure you get it, but just throwing it out there for the incels on this forum who maybe reading this lol). 

Edited June 23 by soos_mite_ah

[RendHeaven]

24 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

At the same time, there is a difference between talking about this in the context of sex between consenting adults versus the overall relationship dynamic one has

definitely. trying to "dominate" women outside of the bedroom is just tacky and stinky

[RendHeaven]

31 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Like I know for me personally, I tend to switch between being the more dominant and being the more submissive partner sexually depending on my mood.

Right, if I recall you had some switch % from that test.

I also forced all my friends to run that test for fun and was surprised that many of them had switch tendencies, though everyone had a preferred polarity between dominant and submissive (nobody was truly equally split down the middle at 50/50)

I would bet that if you dropped birth control entirely you would almost all interest in being dom and the bar would shoot over to hardcore sub (not just based on earlier stories, but on general knowledge that birth control gives women androgynous sexual preferences)

really weird implications for identity if you think too hard about it lol

[soos_mite_ah]

24 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I would bet that if you dropped birth control entirely you would almost all interest in being dom and the bar would shoot over to hardcore sub (not just based on earlier stories, but on general knowledge that birth control gives women androgynous sexual preferences)

Not really, or that hasn't been my personal experience. I've had the same tastes for more of a swtich dynamic before and after birth control. The lack of birth control honestly just messes with my sex drive more than anything. Like before birth control, it would just have random spikes but when I'm on birth control, it's more steady. 

Like sure, before all of this happened I thought R had a beautiful voice and a decent body, but I didn't get the same kind of arousal as I did when I was off birth control. It's like the difference between looking at an apple and thinking it looks good vs actually being hungry for an apple even if you don't typically like apples. I also think with this person, the stars just kind of aligned in a weird way for like 2 weeks because I was dealing with hormonal fluctuations, an existential crisis, and his body changed more so in a way that aligned with my preferences.  Similarly with L, it's kind of like having strawberries be one of your favorite fruits and you have it a normal amount but then suddenly, you're just craving it out of no where where you're boxes of strawberries each week. 

[RendHeaven]

I see...

how do we feel about dominating R (fuck conservatives!) 

[soos_mite_ah]

23 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I see...

how do we feel about dominating R (fuck conservatives!) 

Not really. But there is aggression from both sides involved in the fantasy as it is hate sex lol. 

idk, maybe I'm type casting him based on personality lmao 

Edited June 23 by soos_mite_ah

[Schizophonia]

@soos_mite_ah @RendHeaven 

I contemplate my fantasies a lot; the more detached and pragmatic I am in everyday life, physical and in the present moment, the more I can have very dominant or even sadistic kinks.

I clearly noticed this correlation.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Schizophonia

interesting..

why do you think that is?

Edited June 23 by soos_mite_ah

[Schizophonia]

34 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@Schizophonia

interesting..

why do you think that is?

There's nothing left to reduce if I already allow myself to strive for nothingness. I don't need someone to push me into submission; that would have the opposite effect (being submissive seems boring/demanding to me most of the time).
On the other hand, the other (the maya in general, not necessarily women) becomes something that will systematically narcissify me, that will prevent me from returning to my emptiness.
So I must ensure that the objects I'm exposed to are submissive, to eliminate the separation.

 

Dont know if i'm clear.

Edited June 23 by Schizophonia

[RendHeaven]

@Schizophonia Careful, don't become a cartoon villain like me 👺👺

[Schizophonia]

36 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

@Schizophonia Careful, don't become a cartoon villain like me 👺👺

Ahah.

Too late 😏

[soos_mite_ah]

We Need a Stage Green President Before a Stage Yellow President 

This is not a new realization. By the logic of the sprial, you need to integrate the previous stages and go through the current stage rather than skipping too far ahead. I got that understanding in my personal development when I tried to jump too far ahead to Turquoise a few years ago which messed me up in a bunch of ways. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that felt impatient when it came to spiral development on a collective level. And I can't say that there isn't a part of me that still isn't impatient tbh because my bias is wanting to move up sooner rather than later for the benefit for everyone. I'm not exactly excited about the collective ego backlash that has been the 2020s pop culture so far. But upon further reflection, upon further research in effective rhetorical methods in the current political environment, it feels pretty evident that we need to have a full stage Green cycle and stay in tier 1 before jumping to Yellow and beyond, as exciting as that might be. 

I discussed the issue with how nuance is being weaponized to justify and cultivate complacency and stagnancy through overthinking instead of advocating for bold action in a more conscious direction. I discussed it in the post below: 

We're in a place where Stage Orange (and to a lesser extent Blue) is cultivating a brainrot in the general population to where a chunk of this country is not even opperating on the same reality of facts. I'm specifically singling out Orange because that's our center of gravity at the moment. And while that does need to be integrated and that is the process we're on given this ego backlash, we also need to push past this into Green to save the economy, to save the working class, to save trans people, to save the climate, to save the Palestinians, and more. 

I've also seen instances where hyperintellectualism was also weaponized in educational circles to ignore current pressing issues. I think the Israel-Palestine Conflict is  a perfect example of this. It's very obvious who the aggressor with the more power (and therefore has disproprotionate amount of responsibility in the violence) is. But as people are actively being bombed, starved, raped, and tortured in Gaza, there are universities that are still trying to parse out the nuances of how to solve this conflict. Don't get me wrong, while this is not a morally complicated issue, solving this is logistically messy in terms of populations, propoganda, powerful actors with money etc. and how to coordinate all of those parties together. Having in depth nuanced conversations has a time and place. And the time and place isn't when there is an active genocide happening. You need to have a hard line in cutting support for Israel off financially, fuck what the AIPAC money says, combat the pro Israeli propoganda that is dehumanizing the Palestinians, and demand a ceasefire first. You need to put the current fire out first before you go to the drawing board to figure out how to build a new structure.  You cannot actively plan on what to build while withholding water as the flames fan out. That's not constructive. 

Now is not time to have detailed nuanced conversations with people who are either not going to engage in good faith or not capable of engaging in a meaningful way. Now is the time to shame conservatives and make them embarrassed to have the positions they have, not to the point where they go into the shadows and create their own communities to breed toxic ideologies, but to the point where they're ashamed to the point where they don't even feel comfortable reaching out to people. They need to be ashamed to the point where they have to take a very long hard look in the mirror. Meeting people with understanding in situations where they are militantly against anything constructive in this country is not a display of strength to them, rather they will see it as a source of weakness that they can point to as a victory. Sometimes, you need to bully people back because they're not going to respond to reason but they'll respond to a bruise to their ego and their emotions. Nuance and academic language isn't going to power people up to act in times when people need to be passionate. 

And a stage Yellow leader or politician is not going to do that. But a militant stage Green leader or politician will passionately advocate for their positions, not fall victim for ceeding ground, and have the appropriate amount of anger and contempt to meaningfully challenge the stage Orange opposition rather than trying to integrate/ capitulate to them. Because even if you want an integrative solution right at this moment, given the current polarization and backlash, you're not going to be able to engage with these parties (corporations, media, billionaires etc.) in a healthy, constructive, and good faith way because those parties are long gone in the excesses of Orange. At this point, you need to call them tf out and regulate the shit out of them. 

World War 2 was when this country switched over from having stage Blue being the center of gravity to stage Orange being the center of gravity. Don't get me wrong, the 1950s was still very Blue, but it was mainly after the decolonization of the post war era, the unprecendented degree of wealth the U.S. saw from the 50s to the 90s, the automation and the simplification for the sake of efficiency in manufacturing etc. that we moved into mainly Orange. The Civil War marked when this country moved to Blue as the center of gravity as it let go of slavery (mainly Red) and as the wild west started to diminish as westward expansion and regulation extended. There was a good amount of Blue here in prior to the Civil War and there was a good chunk of Red immediately after, but there was a meaninful shit on which took center stage.

 I don't know what the fuck we're going through right now, but after this tumultuous time, once things settle down, we're going to be in a much more stage Green world and Orange will take more of a second seat like Blue did in the 50s. And we can only get through this season of chaot with someone who is militantly passionate in Green rather than a more subdued Yellow. Don't get me wrong, Yellow is still important and it's important that we continue to cultivate that. But now it's not the time for Yellow to blossom and take center stage. It's the time to plant seeds and conserve pockets of Yellow in the same way Green was cultivated and preserved years ago before it was ready to take center stage. 

I'm talking very broadly and collectively here. If you're dealing with individuals who are more Orange/Blue, that's something you have to learn to deal with on a case by case basis depending on the context of the interaction, how far gone they are, your relationship to them, etc. Don't go off on regular dumbasses and be socially stupid because you have tried to have conversations you're not socially adept enough at having lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Current Information Environment

AI, algorithms, and the proliferation of short form content gives me an existential crisis. I feel like it's really fucking with people's ability to process life and make sense of the world around them. 

I feel like I have been venting about AI in my journal. I don't think that AI is all bad but it does freak me out the way that it is being used to offload basic human qualities like critical thinking and creativity that give people fulfillment to a machine. It freaks me out the way that automaticing every aspect of our lives diminishes our direct relationship with life and the world around us. It freaks me out the way that I have watched videos before that I were convinced were of real people and it turned out to be AI. It freaks me out on how this type of technology is going to be used to replace people or underpay them instead of creating more free time for all of us. It freaks me out on how much low quality slop content is going to be produced by this and how that will impact us intellectually as a collective. And it freaks me out that whether you're trying to be media literate or not, you can easily fall victim to the deception of AI. And the illusions are only going to get better, and by that I mean it's gonna get worse for our ability to be epistemically grounded in reality until there are some actual regulations put in place. 

The algorithms freak me out the way that you can easily get into weird pipelines and also develop anti-social views around people. Like, I see this shit happening to the people around me in real life and especially with my friends who I know well enough to know their heart and what they're suceptible to, I feel like I'm on high alert so that the people I care about don't get wrapped up in some kind of toxic, self destructive ideology. I feel like this video sums things up well: 

And also, it does freak me out the way that using social media has become a ubiquitous way of turning your brain off. Because there is a lot of weird ass content out there and you don't want to be consuming or further perpetuating that when your media literacy brain is off. Like the time that you need to be using your critical thinking skills the most is to combat against internalizing toxic beliefs is the time when people are least likely to use said critical thinking skills because especially if you're mindlessly scrolling on Tiktok, you're being very passively spoon fed content and god knows what you'll encounter after liking a heated post or two. This passivity that latches on to people when they just want to turn off their brain is a breeding ground to the cultural nihilism where people aren't even looking up / fact checking basic information because they're in a numbed out state where they don't feel the need to. Like, we make fun of the boomers dissassociating in front of Fox News and the 24 hour news cycle but honestly, are we any better given these algorithms and the way we doomscroll the news on social media?

Then, you have short form content. I feel like it's kind of a joke that a lot of us have gold fish level, 8 second attention spans now a days but honestly, we gotta take this more seriously. Why tf are there college English majors struggling to read full length books? Why do I sometimes I have issues with watching a whole ass movie without checking my phone? Why are video essays my main form of information intake and how has that been affecting me? How does the TikTok algorithm where I see one video on the genocide in Gaza, and then the next video is someone ranting about an alpha male podcast bro, and the next video is of a influencer trying to sell me greens powder, and the next video is of someone making memes of World War 3, and the next video is of a cute little raccoon, impact my brain and it's ability to process emotions that come up? 

English majors struggle to read full length books because most of the reading we do on a day to day is in the form of articles or in the form of passages/ exerpts you read in class to prepare for standardized testing. It's the most efficient way of taking in information. And as a result, a lot of people don't have the same kind of reading stamina they would have if they were regularly reading 800 page books. I have issues watching a while movie or even reading fiction becuase my attention span is shot by short form content and there is a part of me that wants to be spoon fed concepts and intake the media equivalent of Soylent instead of taking the time to enjoy the artistic quality of something that is meant to be savored more slowly and intentionally. The video essays are an easy way to take in information where I don't have to actively use my head and pay attention to parse together words and I can just have something educational play in the background.

This video and the state of education stresses me tf out: 

I also wrote about this in a previous post in response to the video above: 

On 5/29/2025 at 8:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Anyways, so lately, since noticing the lack of fire in my life, I found myself thinking about all of the areas of my life this manifests in and how I kind of suck as a person. I feel like me zoning out in front of my phone plays a huge role in this, even if I watch things that are relatively better than slop. Like sure, it’s good that I’m still intellectually engaging with the world around me. But I’m not taking action and in that sense, I’m disconnected from life itself as it passes me by. This really started to sink in after watching the Vaush video I linked in the first Nihilism post but also after I watched the video below on literacy. Thankfully, I can understand the passages that the video talked about if I slowed down and read them, but it’s still concerning that it was any bit challenging.  

Finally, the tiktok algorithm and the way that it juxtaposes various types of videos in one place is also fucking with my ability to process world events in a healthy way because everything feels distracting and is pleading for my attention. Like why tf did the LA ICE protests happen last week but now, no one is talking about it? It's because we have to get to work, act like nothing is going on to function in our systemically dysfunctional lifes. It's because now the 24 hour news cycle moved on to the fuckery happening in Iran because this administration is a chaos machine. It's because there are a million other things begging for our attention from over consumption, dumb memes, culture war talking points, and so much more. I think that on top of the fact that we're desensitized to uNPreCEdeENTeD events from things happening back to back, that the demands of regular life and the juxtaposition of the information itself plays a role in our ability to actually sit with the horrors taking place and acknowledge them for the graveness they possess without feeling like we have to swiftly move to the next thing. And I think when we're inundated with information like this to where we don't have the room to process it intellectually and emotionally, that becomes a breeding ground for cultural nihilism and this feeling that nothing matters. Because in an environment life that, nothing does matter because we don't give it room to matter and affect our soul.   

Ulitimately, the information age is dizzying and unregulated and as a result, it's giving way to the disinformation age. Our critical thinking skills are offloaded. People are taking in information without a critical thought with no effort between their braincells. Short form content is fucking our attention spans to where we cannot take in longer, nuanced content or enjoy things in a normal pace any more. And all of this is so dizzying that I feel like I cannot emotionally process the world around me. And that is happening to me as someone who is trying to critically engage and be concious of what's happening so that I don't get swept by the current of information. I'm trying to swim upstream and I'm still flowing down the river. Imagine what this is doing to somone's brain who is not trying to put up a fight at all and how far down the stream they have gone. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Nihilism Part 8: Anti-Intellectualism 

There is a Tiktok that I saw recently that said the following: 

Quote

Do you really think being smart is elitist or are you just uncomfortable with the fact that critical thinking takes effort and you would rather call people pretentious than admit that you don't understand them? Because maybe it's not that knowledge is gate kept. Maybe it's that you've been trained to see curiousity as cringe and expertise as arrogance. And instead of asking questions or challenging your assumptions, you mock nuance, glorify ignorance, and pretend vibes are a valid substitute for facts. And maybe just maybe, the real problem isn't with people using big words, it's that you decided learning stopped being valuable the second it made you feel small. 

I have an annoying ass coworker who gives off big cultural nihilism vibes. I'll call him N. N proudly admits that he hasn't read a single book fully since he was 16 years old (he's 26 now). N recently told me that he thought college, reading, and writing papers were all just pointless and doesn't teach you anything useful. Meanwhile, N is the type of person who gets scammed by crypto pump and dump schemes on a regular basis and folds like a lawn chair at the sight of a get rich quick scheme. N is the type of person to travel but never leave a resort or make an effort to learn something new about the place and culture he's in. N can be pretty selfish in the face of systemic issues where he only cares to the extent of which it affects him. I also get the vibe that he secretly idolizes Elon Musk solely on the fact that he's a billionarie given on how much he loves cybertrucks. 

But the good thing about N is that he's not antagonistic or like deeply entrenched in an ideology. Unlike R, I don't think N can really articulate his political views and falls more in the camp of being what I call politically incoherent. Like he gives more of a selfish dumbass who is more dangerous to himself than other people kind of vibe while R seems like a sketchy person outside of work who is more capable of hurting others. 

So my strategy of dealing with N is that I just lightly roast him and playfully make fun of his beliefs so that there is some degree of shame there lol. Like the other day, he went on this thing on how your life sucks after college and now you have responsibilities to our interns (who are seniors in college). And the way he was going about it, it was very much giving *I don't like having agency over my life, I don't care enough to excersise energy to make life meaningful, and I basically slacked off all through high school and college.* My response was "N, what responsibilities are you talking about, we are sending emails lmao. You're 26 acting like you're life is over and you have a foot in the grave! You're gonna be young for a while and there is so much you can do and experience in the mean time." And then I told the interns just some typical challenges you encounter right after you graduate and how there are a lot of opportunity to use that to your advantage within those challenges. Like, I didn't say it was easy but I did say that having agency over your life and what you want to create doesn't have to be scary and it's something that can be incredibly freeing. 

Another time, he went this whole thing about how he loves cybertrucks and I just told him that those cars low key look like dumpsters and if he decides to get one, he should watch out for the raccoons that typcially try to attack them. I also compared the car to bad ps4 graphics. 

I sometimes feel like if I was open about my opinions at work, I would have people like N either not comprehend a single word I'm saying and have it all go over their head or be told that *it's not that deep* or *why do you care, it doesn't personally affect you.* I feel like the people like R would say something about me being over educated, out of touch, and not practical enough and paint the fact that I'm more informed in a topic instead of falling for conspiracies as me flaunting a sense of elitism. Or the people like R will say something like *you're just over thinking, nothing ever happens, you're being dramatic." Like, the over all vibe that I get from a lot of my coworkers are that these are the people who probably didn't take school seriously at all and they all just did the bare minimum to skate by with Bs and Cs. And as a result, they're apathetic, don't have a decent work ethic, and/or fall for half baked conspiracy theories instead of rubbing two braincells together and learning how the world works. 

Like there is a reason why both R and N get along and make similar life decisions. They also both impulsively bought houses without property running the numbers just because they qualified for the mortgage. And, I'm not trying to judge them for their priorities as someone who isn't super pro home ownership, but I think both of them are bought into the propoganda of home ownership in the sense they thing it's the only way to build wealth. Little do they know, that house is gonna come with a bunch of home improvment issues over the years, your electric and AC id going to be more expensive, you're gonna spend more money furnishing the place, and you're gonna have to deal with things like property taxes, HOA fees etc. And all of that adds up and even if your home becomes really valuable and you sell it way above the amount that you pay for, the amount you gained over time is overstated because it doesn't factor in the hidden costs I have explained above. And both of them are finding out the hard way by making decent salaries (I get paid roughly the same amount) but they're eating ramen noodles every night. 

Homeownership is one example. I wouldn't be surprised if they bond over dumb bro science off to the side where I cannot hear them. And sometimes I wish I could go up to them and be like *that's not how any of this works you dumb bitch.*

The ignorance and lack of desire to learn anything in a credible way is not completely their fault. I feel like the way they think also ties in to my previous post on how the information environment as of now is just a wreck. 

This is the vibe that I wish I could bring into corporate: 

It's so satisfying to hear her call people a dumb bitch. I don't know what it is lol. 

Edited June 27 by soos_mite_ah