Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I was just talking to an ex-member of the old theatre club, one of the people I liked the most and have zero beef with. 

It was a nice chit-chat 

He told me that a lot of members left the theatre club though and that it is foreseeable that the club will break. 

I told him that this struck me a bit and at that point it seemed as though I hit an impulse in him to say goodbye, at least it happened relatively fast and he didnt immediately go for a goodbye hug even though it was all within the normal, mentally stable, nice, untriggered realm. 

I didnt go for him to talk and open up. He was the closest one I would have talked to after the leader but I would have just dropped so much ghossip about close friends of him, I didnt want to do it. 

Maybe there was a little trigger connected to all of this, that I didnt talk to him about it all is my guess. 

..

Oh man, I cant believe the old theatre club is dropping like that. 

Letting untrue things die indeed .. 

[Jannes]

The male and female isnt just a social invention as you can see the same principle everywhere in nature.

Bones (sceleton) and muscles are like male and female to each other. 

[Jannes]

So many things went so weird today at my social spot. 

First I was kind of sad for some reason. Felt a bit vulnerable. Not sure where that came from. Well I assume it had to do with meeting my ex-theatre friend in some way, maybe I opened up to the old theatre club a bit ..

And I am a bit angry with myself that I handled a situation with a girl so poorly. It was with the proud girl. So I kind of looked for clues that I was intrusive I think. So I saw her and she must have noticed me as well but looked away at first and then a little later waved at me. Later though she gazed into my eyes and I held it comfortably but somehow that didnt do anything in me. So later I went in the round and she seemed like she played an extra long ball which could have easily not hit the plate anymore but just barely scrapped it -- which I interpreted as she doesnt want to meet me in the round right now so I didnt go for a hug which made it akward with us two for a minute of walking in the round. 

It seemed like she was going for long range eye contact as well at some points. 

I think she is together with this one guy either in a relationship or some kind of FWB arrangement and likes me in some ways but isnt yet sure what to do with me or what she wants. 

Another thing is that I opened up to other girls there as well. This one girl seems super interested in me and I feel like I kind of fucked up. Not sure if she thinks I am interested as well but probably so. And I can be pretty empathetic, so I can mirror her energy but that makes it feel like I am genuinely interested which I am not. ffs 

[Jannes]

Saw the wpmi-girl today and I catched her in an unusual situation. She couldnt really filter her stimulations at all. 

She left pretty early and told me she just started taking anti-depressants and is experiencing sensory overload. 

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

Men tonight was rough. 

I think I was overloaded from the previous day.

I went to the social spot and didnt greet anyone and went straight to the round. I just didnt had it in me and needed to warm up first. This seemed pretty weird to other people. There were like 2 or 3 moments where this was really noticeable. 

Told a friend that I am thinking why I have these autistic-ish moments sometimes. It was a good feeling to just straight up get it out. 

It forced me to think more about it.

Adhd cant be autistic-ish be ause with adhd assertion is less possible so you have to be more strategic about what you do. This makes it less free and organic which is autistic-ish. And of course many negative experiences I have had. 

Went outside and talked to another friend of mine. It was pretty nice. We played a little dart. We had an actual conversation, not just chit chat and it was just him and me and I felt how I was freeing up especially in my belly. 

With that I went back inside and it went better. 

Its interesting that this guy was like a super hetero cis men. Coming from Russia. I like my queer friends but maybe its just a bit much at times. Thats not how I woud wish to feel about it, but I have to name the reality to work with it. 

Also when I flirted successfully with that one girl, the queerness didnt bother me much at all. Its all just survival forces pulling.

[Jannes]

That one girl basically asked me to smash. Not directly but its also not super subtle. 

I really didnt feel it though, the connection just wasnt there. 

Feels a bit insane though, she looks good. 

But its the emotionally better choice. 

[Jannes]

Interesting dreams today. 

Questioning my decision yesterday to not go through it but I think I was right. 

Also people yesterday looked at me a bit weird. Almost like they were integrated into my backstory. Which could very well be the case, I talked to the ex-theatre friend of mine a few days ago and asked him if he knew two people there who are also mathematicians, one of them being a girl who I kinda flirted with and who seemed very interested. So if he brought that up then its likely they talked. 

She looked much more interesting yesterday then usual. Cant really decide. Yesterday she was girlfriend material. 

[Jannes]

I am feeling the same feeling of exhausting/ blockage which I felt yesterday as well but much stronger now. Too much people, I cant take it all. Maybe I need more breaks. Or maybe more perceived freedom. Oftentimes I feel like I just go along, all the paths are made for me to take but they arent really my own. 

[Jannes]

Men ... I am really kind off in pain emotionally/ socially. I need a break.