Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I am not feeling that good today and I dont know why. 

Well an ex-female member of the old theatre club unblocked me. After 2 years or so randomly. My only explanation is that she talked to the older old member of the theatre club which I talked to with whom I talked about a girl I am seeing at the social spot often that he knows who told him about me which gave her a better feeling about me. 

Maybe that just brings me into this old role. 

Hard to say why I am not feeling good. 

What I also need to reflect on is that I definitely could be friends with so many people. I just hesitate and turn my back bc I dont like the feeling of connection or I am not used to it. But then why am I not that confident? If I deeply knew that I was likeable then wouldnt I be confident? So I dont know if my resistance is actually stemming from a perceived sense of not worthyness when I would actually like to connect or if I actually do not like connection. 

I also seem to be very unaware of which kind of connections are good for me and which arent. The social spot seems to drain me a lot. Monday seems to built me up a bit. Well categorically 1 on 1 conversations feel much better to me then groups. 

[Jannes]

I am also not really initiating a whole lot. 

With people I like I can make the first step. Why the hell do I not do it .. 

Also everything points to a self help group. I think I could gain a lot from it. 

[Jannes]

I already feel uncomfortable about this thread. It slips out of my "non-ego hands". 

 

[Jannes]

RV-thoughts:

Maybe I am scaling down my charisma because I fear that I am liked too much, because that would put me in situations where I need to connect constantly which I am uncomfortable with ... Overweight women were often raped, so that extra weight is kind of a felt protection shield. 

When people callibrate their emotions they change their state of consciousness depending on the situation ... In a limited way we have the power to form our consciousness. 

I forgot to put attention on non-symbolic consciousness when RV. That was the trick before and I forgot about it. There is a difference between saying "no thoughts" or "lets switch to "non symbolic consciousness". The first signals a complete shutdown while the second just changes my attention. 

Thought and awareness are so strongly linked in our understanding of the world, I really hit some of the structure in which we think here. 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

I already feel uncomfortable about this thread. It slips out of my "non-ego hands". 

 

Its going much better then I expected. I wasnt sure if I actually presented all of my fears correctly but it does feel like I get an answer to a question which feels authentic. 

[Jannes]

Too charged to clearly think about it though.