Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Elvanse is incredible. Way more concentration then with medicinet and my emotions arent all over the place. I feel like I can control them a lot more, it feels lighter and have way more confidence. 

Nothing bad so far. 

[Jannes]

Socializing went pretty incredible today. The new confidence was a game changer. There are so many instances where I made some progress. 

Most notably was probably with the proud girl. Saw here right at the beginning and had a perfect opening chat. Later across the table she held eye contact for a few seconds as an obvious sign. It was a really intimate sign all of the sudden actually. I think I just communicated myself so clearly this day that it reastablished a bit of a bond. Later another opportunity for chatting occured, I sat on the side and she just came from the round turning around and dropping her table tennis bat. Not sure if it was me or random. She talked to her friends though instead of giving me some attention. Later I played another game and when passed by I went for eye contact which she matched but she also played and regulated it a bit, opening her eyes a lot. Same thing happened when she walked into the other direction. It was a bit much of me all of a sudden I think, also I talked to other girls which likely makes her careful and maybe she just cant open up so fast. But that gesture was definitely out of my area of experience. 

I also had bad feelings about another girl which I am friends with and who seemed to want more but I didnt go for it. Then she seemed a bit hit off guard when I flirted with this girl two weeks ago. I really didnt know how she would react, I thought it would be hard for her, but it was just as always, she was even super friendly. Before medication I would have been so so worried. But this shows me I can just do my thing, have my own will and people will adapt to that. As long as I am honest about everything, its all good. 

[Jannes]

I like this style a lot even though its a bit fake. 

I had a bit of a wild pony once which went in this direction but it was more natural. Pink and orange glasses are cool. 

[Jannes]

Just found the term "anti-narcissm". A narcissist who puts tons of effort into not being perceived as a narcissist. 

Is it the devils gaslighting to not face their devilish ways or is it legit?

I could be guilty of that to a certain degree, certainly the want to be invisible is sometimes there. 

[Jannes]

If I was truly confident in my self expression I think I would wear this:

[Jannes]

What was so interesting yesterday was that I really didnt feel invisible, I could throw my emotional body into things. Other people need that for orientation. 

[Jannes]

I hate to admit it to myself but I really do aim sometimes to flirt with everyone around me. 

Thats something I didnt want to admit to myself in my old theatre club. I wouldnt have broken any rules or something, but its so hard to hold back when you go through everyone like butter. I held back a ton, making myself invisible even. But there is just the natural need to test out ones limit to estimate ones market value. Cant really transcend that. I havent found my limit yet. 

I feel the need for struggle which comes with finding ones match.

I dont know how to go about it, maybe go to another city, go ham and directly experience that it gets old quickly. 

Interestingly when I actually had a sexual partner much of the drive was gone. Not just the drive, my perceived potential. Actually making it happen is more difficult then in theory. 

Edited Thursday at 04:11 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Airing out a huge chuck of devilry in myself. 

I love the idea of airing out the devil, it fits so perfectly. 

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Jannes said:

If I was truly confident in my self expression I think I would wear this:

I just had the CONCEPTION of what it would mean to actually feel free socially. I am so enboxed.

[Jannes]

RV went terrible judging by the results. I definitely need advice, luckily this was session 26, after 30 sessions I wll have a session with my trainer. 

My notes from the session today:

Maybe because I havent manifested myself in different areas, the is a bigger need to be successful in theory as in practice much of it will be taken off. 

Not just flirting but also intelligence for example. 

Somehow I got super horny last night like the last time. It just came over me like with the other girl. Its just that I felt a conection. As if I was apethetic before. 

I might have found an error in my technque. focusing on the category or on anything like not finding the same AOL again puts me into a thinking state which I need to avoid. deosnt make it work though

auf reddit nach remote viewing und adhd suchen 

[Jannes]

Goal this week was to get to my social spot earlier. This paid off big yesterday. I am a bit late already and not feeling it at all though but that could just be fear clouding my vision as usual. 

[Jannes]

It felt like such a long socializing night. 

It started off really good. Even though I had some fear, I went into the place more confident then ever before, starting with innitiative and a chill confidence. Shortly after though I had kind of a crash, felt pretty bad, almost trip like. I wondered if its a side effect of the medication. The artist girl gave me her voice cancelling headphones and I sat there in the corner. I shared that with a few other people relatively casually, so the confidence to be vulnerable was there but I still didnt feel good. It still felt a bit akward after some time and so I put the headphones off as it was pretty managable. However just that I shared that in that moment kind of gave me a confidence boost. 

Also met my hero-friend again. I thought he kind of didnt want to see me but I think it was pretty unavoidable and it was just as comfortable and warm as before. 

At some point the side effects also subsides, I was likely at my adhd neutral state there. 

There were two instances where I really wanted to talk to a girl but didnt. Felt a bit like a looser for that. 

Especially in combination with another instance. There was a hippie cuddle coach with a few people I knew and I joined in. The artist girl on my right. She crawled my back and arm a bit. I thought it was wrong as there were some feeling between us but it wasnt a good idea to allow that but I just sat there and let it happen because I couldnt stop it. I didnt even really know how to leave the situation as it would have felt disrespectful. This is just all my adhd sensitivity full force back again. 

Anyway I feel pretty pathetic for writing this today. 

9 hours ago, Jannes said:

I hate to admit it to myself but I really do aim sometimes to flirt with everyone around me. 

Thats something I didnt want to admit to myself in my old theatre club. I wouldnt have broken any rules or something, but its so hard to hold back when you go through everyone like butter. I held back a ton, making myself invisible even. But there is just the natural need to test out ones limit to estimate ones market value. Cant really transcend that. I havent found my limit yet. 

I feel the need for struggle which comes with finding ones match.

I dont know how to go about it, maybe go to another city, go ham and directly experience that it gets old quickly. 

Interestingly when I actually had a sexual partner much of the drive was gone. Not just the drive, my perceived potential. Actually making it happen is more difficult then in theory. 

I cant even conceive how I had such confidence hours ago. Maybe tomorrow it swings back into the other direction. 

[Jannes]

The main thing is that I am always passive. I orient myself on other people. I dont look to greet someone, I look for their eye contact, their approval, so that they innitiate. This brings about so many problems. But to be more innitiative also heavily depends on how I feel about myself. 

[Jannes]

I had kind of disturbing dreams this night. 

Dont even want to get into detail but I basically negotiated precautions/ a safety net to fall back to to not get raped and in the end they didnt give a shit and took the little they could get away with. 

[Jannes]

 

 

[Jannes]

Did Elvanse again and it gives me heaps of energy and confidence. I make some careless mistakes though. 

Flew through my RV session today, well 37 min. The results were shitty. I really need some tips I think or at least reassurance that this is normal in the process, if this is not in my realm of possibility then I need to accept that. 

[Jannes]

I am so uncomfortable in these hugging games, today one guy I was comfortable with fist bumping went for a hug opener and I was agreeable and went for it. But this is such a status game now everyone else expects a hug and in reality I am comfortable hugging maybe my 3 closest people but thats not the meta in socializing. 

I wonder why this is even so hard for me. For one because I am socializing relatively late, second I am very agreeable so I am not the one intiating and idk what else. 

It didnt feel good at my spot, its the same soup every time and I dont really feel free. I feel free when I am in state and with new people where I have a challenge. Berlin almost becomes a necessity at this point. 

One guy gamed a few girls there and he seemed sucessful with the one girl I found really attractive. Thats the rough reality of survival. 

Tomorrow is Paintball. I left the spot a lot earlier to get more sleep. That was also a beneficial experience as I set a boundary there. 

[Jannes]

🧿 > 🐈 (lol)

[Jannes]

I just remember what I great phase I had in which I spit out all my struggles about the old theatre club. How much that freed me. 

Well thats what I need again I guess. I dont really know what it is missing atm, but I think its authenticity. I am trapped into so many social games. 

[Jannes]

Did paintball today and it wasnt fun. I took it super serious and I couldnt be fun about it. I threw myself on the ground in so many creative ways. Its a dumb sport, when I was winning though it felt therapeutic. In the end my rage spilled over into a bit of fun. 

Its not that I feel super lonely but pretty lonely. After socializing for so many days in the week wouldnt it be natural to be in a social state. Well I dont have that much social anxiety but its not like I really enjoy being social. 

There is something I do fundamentally wrong. Its that I dont have anyone I actually want to deepen a connection with I think. Its just soulless social chatter. 

I felt a bit of a spark with the artist girl but first she is in a relationship (even though she already showed interest and would maybe break up with his bf) and has so many psychological problems. But I sometimes see myself having thoughts with her in mind. 

I also feel strong emotional afterpain from the old theatre club. I cant really face it. I had such strong problems with opening up to people since my whole life so such a huge regress is especially painful. 

I dont know what to do. 

I need rest.