Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

18 hours ago, Jannes said:

I can create a routine for a RV session for every weekday. Unfortunately the Widget doesnt order which event comes next so I have a bunch of empty bubbles all the time and need to scroll down for the weekday sometimes. This doenst give me the feeling of being in time most of the time. 

I think I found a way!!

I put this routine from Mo to Sunday in there but I changed it so that it would restart the routine of each week to 3 days earlier. So for example the box I named Monday RV Routine already opens at Friday, so I can already tick it off in advance. 

It should work, I hope. 

[Jannes]

I have almost no friends with overlaying survival agenda. This is the big thing I think. I prefer female friends but most of them develop feelings so that gets akward. Guy friends I like less. And relationship wise I dont really know anyone I would like. 

So thats a difficult predicament and quite terrifying to make conscious. 

Thats why everything points to finding ways to deal with my emotions on my own like with knitting. 

[Jannes]

Saw the girl I wrote the message to today. It was pretty weird. At the end of the impro session she said that she was sorry that she didnt reply but will do so and will take her time. I kind of wanted to distance myself from here, it was a weird impact. I kind of felt behind in this dynamic when my response was to help her. 

At one moment she also seemed pretty strict with me, judging me pretty harshly. 

It was a weird cocktail, but she seemed to enjoy a good connection with her bf, so all good on that front. 

Also despite taking a second dose of medicinet today it went pretty well, it wasnt too much. And I was at fire at impro acting today. 

[Jannes]

I have weird ice cream cravings again. 

Getting some Ben & Jerries now. 

[Jannes]

I am getting Elvanse as my new medication now. I havent yet figured out what the right dose of medicinet would be but before that I would rather try Elvanse. Its longer lasting with more gentle come up and down. 

Had a lot of time today and spent contemplating just a bit about a Pokemon team which turned into 3 hours of immense concentration. Without even needing to play, simply from what I know. 

I was able to turn it off for my RV session though surprisingly. I think I never really learned to use will power to control my mind/ or maybe I did it even more then usual. Not sure, I am definitely not sucessful at it without medication so maybe my mind doesnt even fight it, or it fights to exhaustion and fails until now where I am overpowered. 

[Jannes]

The RV session didnt go well. Took about 1 hour and I was mostly wrong. The times I was most sucessful were quick sessions in the morning I think. 

At the top I always write how I am feeling and I am rarely in good condition to RV. 

[Jannes]

A friend o fmine said that another guy in the impro group has birthday today. 

My mind is working through it for hours, on the one hand this is an obvious sign to socialize and a bit of a duty, on the other hand I am not that close to the guy yet, I dont even have his number so its feels inauthentic. I cant believe this is so hard for me to decide, this is ridiculous. 

[Jannes]

Did a second RV session today for planning purposes. The results were shitty. 

Trying RV when I am fresh again is vital, I am not making much progress atm. And whenever I think I got the hang of RV this is exactly when I am deadwrong. I have no clue. Maybe my mind needs to surrender to that. 

[Jannes]

The To-Do list app jumped back to a past stage today. I got super angry, as this is the base of my planning, without it I got no direction. 

I should really drop this app and get to a more solid one but I already searched through most of the apps and none give me an acceptable widget so I am giving it another shot. 

[Jannes]

I kind of thought about applying to acting schools again. Not for logical reasons but I just had so much fun at impro I feel drawn to it. I clearly want to creatively express myself in some form. 

If remote viewing aint it, I dont really know what to do with my life. I am studying for something but if I am honest with myself, I have no idea if I want to go in that direction. But acting doesnt pay either. 

I guess more RV practice is good as this determines if I can do it faster. Because if I can do remote viewing, then I can express myself creatively anyway

[Jannes]

Because I get the mandatory things done atm I am contemplating how I really want to spent my time. 

The whole field of spirituality and exploring consciousness is a super priority for me but somehow I am avoidind it. Well its also antithetical to survival in some ways. But men, I still havent realized god yet, what am I doing. 

[Jannes]

I did some Geo Quiz. On one I needed to write down as many country names as I knew. I got 40 and got tired after 7 Minutes. Which is quite pathetic as I only beat like 8% of the user base there. Thats my mind, I cant remember details which dont interest me. Always was that way, I look more at the big picture. 

[Jannes]

Just now, Jannes said:

I did some Geo Quiz. On one I needed to write down as many country names as I knew. I got 40 and got tired after 7 Minutes. Which is quite pathetic as I only beat like 8% of the user base there. Thats my mind, I cant remember details which dont interest me. Always was that way, I look more at the big picture. 

Damn I got some inner game, that thing I am not good at shows that I am intelligent. 

[Jannes]

I feel like I am making quite a lot of struggle conscious at once, want something to calm and regenerate me without regress. 

[Jannes]

2 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I feel like I am making quite a lot of struggle conscious at once, want something to calm and regenerate me without regress. 

I feel like cold wind hits my body and whooshes along my face while I stand there in the dark. I dared to open my eyes. I dont know when I opened them the last time. I would rather close them again but that doesnt change my situation. 

[Jannes]

My old theatre club didnt just give me the potential for friends and community but a sense of purpose. 

I had such happy moments in the middle of a production. 

This can really pull you out of some shit. 

No wonder I PANICKED when I left the club. 

Its not like this but I am not really happy with my life. I didnt even know how good life could be without the theotre club. I dont have enough love to accept that I left this place and that it couldnt work out.

... take me away ...

 

[Jannes]

I feel like I am exactly right with my LP, I do want to express a spiritual message, a deep sense of emotional truth, love, authenticity, insight that makes other people like "I get it" and not in I take something practical away from this or this was entertining but to hit a specific nerve. 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

I feel like I am making quite a lot of struggle conscious at once, want something to calm and regenerate me without regress. 

I find it interesting that in studies the affirmation towards live rose in those with psychedelic experiences. 

Are spiritual flames slwowly extinguishing as we manifest in the atmosphere?

..

Stole that from Jim Carrey. He drew how one reenters the atmosphere after a breakup though. 

[Jannes]

RV - session went relatively smooth when it came to the experience but the results were shit again

Some notes:

whenever i am confident that i am conscious i am not

Oh my god, as a kid i always wanted a mountainbike, or a cart or something

the mind cant help itself but to put itself above spiritual truths. meaning it always needs and wants the authority, it cant let go and let intuitive stuff come through. I am fighting the human condition/ socialization. 

[Jannes]

My attempts at remote viewing feel like continuely failing to light up a match.