Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I am coming back full circle a bit. Maybe acting would have been the right thing all along. In the end expressing myself creatively is what I want to do and acting might just be my medium. If remote viewing doesnt work out in the end I will be sad. I could have compromised my moral values, found healing in my old theatre club, took that energy into getting into acting school and be there already .. 

[Jannes]

I feel so unoriginal today. 

[Jannes]

I wonder if my feelings today and yesterday evening are all related to medicinet loosing its effect. It really was a strong dose. 

[Jannes]

With the possibility on WhatsApp to delete the "." in your contact info like 80-90% of my contacts already deleted their info. Its peer pressure. 

Thinking of putting the quote on Leos latest video in my info: "It's naive to think that you wouldn't have taken part in historical atrocities once considered normal if you embrace all the trendy ideas of today."

But that would be conformist to Leo. 

..

I was never truly autonomous. 

 

[Jannes]

Did my RV - session later today. Not that fresh anymore, but it went surprisingly well, also considering that my 20mg medicinet dose was like 6-7 hours prior. I also didnt take a second dose though, actually that may be better. 

 

Just a few notes. 

I feel like even when just viewing shortly, being out of my ego for a snap needs to force some kind of balancing act from the universe, because I do something with the information. But thats just my ant logic projected onto the metaphysical laws of the universe. 

Also for learning not everything can be applied anagolously. If hardcore meditation retreats are needed to force the mind to change, maybe that isnt necessarily the case for Remote Viewing. But it could be. My trainer said the more full concentration practive I get the better. 

A true creativity mega-thread would be bomb, need to start one. 

[Jannes]

necessary  I hate that word, its so hard to write correctly 

[Jannes]

Dont want to socialize, I feel tired. And the usual problems. Nothing doing. 

 

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Jannes said:

Dont want to socialize, I feel tired. And the usual problems. Nothing doing. 

It was pretty awesome actually. 

So I didnt know how to go about the mario-kart girl as she flirted with someone else and I kinda hooked up with the other girl.. She went for a hug right away though and even a pretty intimate one so I was relieved everything was put in order. Then shortly after I saw her kissing with the guy she flirted with last time. My nervous system was in chaos. However there was something I liked about it, being close to the real. It put me more into the moment. My table tennis performance also increased. 

There was the other girl again that I liked. I think she is getting important to me know so I am gonna call her the proud girl. It doesnt fit perfectly but she does have healthy self respect. Its weird I chatted her up in the flow and didnt think much of it the first time. It was a bigger deal for her then for me though but I didnt really want much of her that time so I didnt use the momentum. But she has grown on me a bit and now I am pretty akward around her. It really got me contemplating how I could fall from being so easy around her to suddenly being akward. Well I invested some emotions into her. And I was also kinda fake, my pick-up energy drove me there. And the fact that I met someone new. And maybe it was also the mood idk. 

Its problematic because I think we both see the akward energy now. I could simply come earlier next time, but I dont know how to reignite the flow. There is already so much expressed without actually being close.. yeah thats the thing. 

[Jannes]

Oh and I was finally controlling how I wanted to greet some people. Went for a simple fist bump to some guys. It was in between that and hugs but I realized that I am in control of saying that I want and the way to do that is by initiating. Actually many of them seemed relieved, even though it was a step backwards from closeness. 

[Jannes]

The edge of our consciousness consists of different qualities. For example many humans are unable to think objectively about which diet is the best for human health because they are in for emotionally. And thats just one example, most things are that way: politics, identity, ... So survival shapes and builts edges which consciousness cant reach. 

If you jailbroke the human mind from all of its biases then I think another hard edge would occur at some point simply because of maya, because of the current form we have in this lifetime. 

One of that would even a hardblock on our creativity. 

On 18.7.2025 at 6:41 PM, Jannes said:

'The edge of your consciousness' 

[Jannes]

I am kind of raging that I missed daylight today again. I mean I went to bed late because I sozialed and needed my sleep but still.. 

It might have also stalled with RV because my female friend pressured me to give a more direct answer which I fear to give..

[Jannes]

I just had such an aware moment. Kinda. Well I just looked into the room for 10 minutes without doing or distracting myself and enjoyed it. The present moment Baby. 

Also had a pretty conscious showering experience. Thought about so much. 

..

One of the reasons I sometimes go back and forth with my old theatre club, besides many reasons, is that I never hooked up with anyone there because of many reasons but also because I couldnt do it and didnt want to embaress myself. I had so much status, it would have been a big status fall to be perceived as akward. If I learn that ability then I can untwist certain projections I had in my mind about the old theatre club. Even if I had a few hookup friends there it would have maybe been easier. 

[Jannes]

I am so scared to go out again because I will likely meet the girl from last time for whom I still feel some shame and guilt towards. Probably unjustified but there is a chance. And I dont know how to go about it. What if she is with a group, it would be ignorant to walk buy, so should I go to her and wave my hand and ask how her day was or what.. that would be so akward. I might need to lead this thing. 

Well just yesterday I learned to be more initiative by fist bumping some people I am friends with, instead of avoiding the whole thing because I didnt know if I should go for a fist bump or hug and they seemed eased about it. Its okay to be akward. After all of this its kind of expectable even. 

I dont know about her though, I dont think I want to escalate further. I mean she is attractive and I kind of had feelings for her a few days afterwards but now I dont want to relive the last experience. 

[Jannes]

I shared so much with my female friend. But 100% just things going on in my mind and what I witnessed. 

I refuse to give explicit interpretations. 

[Jannes]

I really felt that I was scared right before I entered my social spot today. I neither saw the wpmi-girl nor the girl I met last time. 

But still that fear was in my bones and it took me quite some time to get over it. A dude there even said I look like I want to be invincible today. Simply because I felt like I did something wrong and would get a bunch of collective backlash or something even though she said everything was fine and I shouldnt even worry about it.

This pattern comes up again and again, I feel like I did something wrong and expect immense pushback. Obviously past experience. Maybe I can get a grap on this pattern altogether.

There was another girl I saw quite often and kinda liked. She was sluttly today with her tanga sticking out above her Jeans. I really would have liked to talk to her but there was so much inner shit. Played some 1998 Mario with a female friend there which was pretty wholesome actually. Afterwards my table tennis performance sucked ass though, it was really incredible. My mind was so pure from Youtube fasting and then it went to shit. This always happens. At the table another guy said I look tired and kinda sad. I felt like crying almost from all the emotional burden I felt. But there is absolutely nothing. No reason that I would need to feel that burden. Its just empty ghosts. 

Had some chill talk with some fire outside at the end. 

In general after like 3 hours I felt emotionally pretty warm. I simply need to come earlier, then I can take more opportunities. 

[Jannes]

I woke up to ungodly time today. But I still had time to get some daylight in. Maybe go for an hour walk. 

Then a random ass Telekom guy rang at my door and had a conversation well over an hour with me. Eating my musli on my balcony in a winder jacket with 20% daylight left. 

[Jannes]

I wrote my female friend such a long message and am analyzing it with chatgpt. I am pretending to be her and to get that message and asking it how to interpret it. The analysis is pretty intelligent but it misses some things. 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

I wrote my female friend such a long message and am analyzing it with chatgpt. I am pretending to be her and to get that message and asking it how to interpret it. The analysis is pretty intelligent but it misses some things. 

Chatgpt is fucked up. The kind of things it interpets into this. 

 

My RV session:

I feel like I am getting grilled by my emotions. 20mg medicinet is also stirring up emotions, not just regulating them. Well maybe its because the medications effect is going down now. 

 

Still thinking about my old theatre club. Its such a tragedy, cant process it over a few months. 

..

I am having insane daydreaming again, literally sucked out of reality for 10 minutes as if I were dreaming. 

..

Yeah the bigger pattern is that I struggle to stay conscious. It was a hit with Wordle. I need other games maybe. (also not as stimulating)

..

FUCK I MISSED THE THERAPHY GROUP OPPORTUNITY

..

I need to analyse the table tennis dynamic, as this tells me so much about my nervous system. I think I rarely come in contact with my potential, because my nervous system dials down everything a ton and just a little distraction can spell such disaster. 

..

When you think about people, the vibe they give off, how they feel in your mind and you compare that to how the current moment feels like, you realize its the same thing. The present moment is made out of the same thing that person in your mind is made out of. 

Its different in flavour but not different in quality 

..

I wonder if my sister ever felt unloved by my dad who said she would be so intelligent all the time. Because basically it was his own shadow, he thought he was smarter then he was, coping with childhood shame and maybe wanted to let go of this inner lack through his kids. And maybe I also played the role of an intellectual at times because of it. And maybe that was also me not loving my sister. 

asking "what is the present moment" can bring you much closer into the present moment

-- sometimes, it can be a game you play to hide from the present moment

..

I cant believe my friend went for this girl 

[Jannes]

Oh forgot to mention, my RV - session lasted literally 2 hours! 

[Jannes]

I kind of feel like I am on a bad trip. (without any substances aside from medication)

When I started my walk I even felt a little hunted. 

Not even sure why. 

I WILL experience daylight tomorrow. 

Edited Saturday at 01:34 AM by Jannes