Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

My RV - session didnt go as well. I was in a rush though. 

Wrote down a couple of notes which I didnt yet post. 

Why am I putting so much pressure on myself? Things are gonna work out somehow, I cant control it all.

Wait, am I the baby elephant?

4 hours ago, Jannes said:

Oh my dreams. 

Somehow a baby elephant got to me and I took care of him. I probably didnt do a good job at it as he seemed to loose a lot of weight looking like a noodle. When we went swimming at the beach together I thougt about if I should feed him bananas or lentils. I was loosing him at some point, then was very relieved to find him again. I felt like I have gotten to him a bit egoistical though, seeing him as something I own. So he swam away like your own child that you cant keep in your house forever.. bzzt so when I searched for Mr. Baby Elephant at the public train and saw him at another train I had a breakdown and punched the window of this train with my blank hand, not to intimidate or take him back, but just to show and express him how much I love him and care about him and want all the best for his future. He barely even noticed me which was seemed totally expectable. 

 

[Jannes]

[Jannes]

This is an elegant way to include worthwhile advice from the forum, without pinning someone. 

[Jannes]

Anytime I felt emotionally at ease it was when I was connecting with someone somehow. 

For example when I talked with that one girl about the wpmi-girl, last time with two friends at the house party, ...

And whenever thats the case I am ready to scew it up again with casual sex until I am emotionally unstable so I back down. 

..

I thought about maybe having some casual sex or f+ connections. Would they put me emotionally at ease or disrupt me is the question. 

[Jannes]

8mm on the sides looks much better then 10mm+ from the frontview. Just a little tweak. 

Edited Wednesday at 07:53 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Really didnt feel like going to my social spot today mainly because of the freaking hug situation. Went anyway and it was pretty good. I just cant open up to so many people, I just have to accept that. 

I didnt go for a hug with one girl though and that felt really bad. It was weird, I feel like she kinda flirted with me while being with someone so thats how I integrated it and so I didnt go for a hug this time. Although now with some distance this feels reasonable. In the moment it didnt and she actually seemed hurt.

Its annoying to always be the one holding everything morally together. And in some cases I am oversensitive. Going for a hug isnt like cheating and sometimes people actually did the work, like opened up the relationship or break up or something. 

Some people you just wanna have around and she is like that. 

[Jannes]

Feeling a bit sick. My RV - session was almost an hour long today, I was daydreaming like crazy. 

The results were pretty okay though. 

 

Some thoughts while doing the challenge:

I am using my intuition more and more I notice. At my social spot yesterday I even remembered how I once realized, that you cant be funny intentionally from the ego, it needs to happen unintentionally. Similiar to how you cant force results in RV. 

My situation is quite simple. I refuse to take my position as a high status person and in the process put myself in a position below my survival potential and this is what I feel all the time. 

If attractive people only get love because of their looks and non attractive people dont get any love because of their looks, where is the true love? I guess when two unattractive people love each despite their appearence or when two attractive people love each other internaly despite their appearence but its most likely found with average attractive people. 

Beauty democracy. If genetic manipulation of humans gets legalized that would be a real thing. Should everyone look like a 10? What would be the downsides?

The most ignorant and comfortable romantic plot in a movie would be an attractive women being in a toxic relationship with a fat ugly guy who is super toxic to her and then she finds chat who is much nicer to her. 

[Jannes]

I have to wonder though, before I blame it all on society, to which degree do I simply lack the confidence to take what I want. 

..

I am not feeling good, not sure what thats about, I literally cant really trace the source. 

[Jannes]

Last evening was very inventful and confusing. WTF 

So first I saw a female friend of mine who seemed to have relationship problems with her bf who is a better friend of mine. It points to me being the problem, as she flirted with me before and he noticed our friendly dynamic. 

Saw the wpmi-girl when I enterted the spot. I noticed she consciously acted like she didnt see me the first moment. I generally also didnt want to greet her so I ignored her when I entered the place. She quickly went outside. It created an interesting mix of emotions. Some guilt of maybe acting to harsh and some sense of loss. Interestingly other girls suddenly seemed to notice and read my facial expressions like toads that only come out when it raining. One girl almost seemed proud of me. When she entered back my emotions flipped though, from feeling a sense of loss to almost being annoyed by it. Simply I needed to perform in that moment. It didnt come to any interaction, eye contact or anything though. 

So with this I committed to change my strategy. I chatted up the mario-kart&chill girl and still didnt fully enter my new mode and almost instantly another guy tries to fight over the girl with me. Very professional and subtle that is. I want much of an opponent in my state. I noticed how I slowly transformed my state but I couldnt do it instantly. I could have just wrote her on WhatsApp, I had that free card, didnt need to put myself in a vulnerable position. And they seemed to be getting along well. 

At this point my internal state had flipped a bit. I saw another girl I was sympathetic with before. Some eye contact was enough and she sat next to me. It was on right from the getgo. I missed one obvious opportunity when we were playing kicker when she asked if we wanted to play another round and made an obvious intimate gesture towards NOT going for another round but I still went for it. Anyway at some point she said she wanted to go and I asked for her number. And added that we could meet maybe tommorrow to which she was a bit hesitant. We went outside and she chatted for a short while and then I dont know how that moment happened but we kissed and she said I could come to her place, but its an exception. At her place we chilled and snuggled and kissed a bit and got more and more intimate. There was such a confusing pattern though, when we were just about to get serious she made a total stop saying she doenst feel the vibe and wants to stop. Then she invites the next opportunity but stops right before it gets really serious again. At this point she was already completly naked and I only had my underwear on. I never got rejected right before the act, it was puzzling. Interestingly I somehow got back into state after a hit each time. I am just so confused though. At the morning she said that it was interesting meeting me but there wont be any chance for sex in the future. I felt so confused. I texted her right after it that its totally okay if chemistry doesnt match but if I did anything wrong or went to far I would be very sorry. She fastly replied that there is no problem whatsoever, she just wasnt in the mood and didnt feel good in the morning. 

I guess thats it, she wants to make her lays count. In both cases she stopped right before I went to lick her pussy which is always pretty uncomfortable for me so I might have converted some energy there. 

I feel a bit broken in my ego. And incompetent that I seemingly did not make her horny enough. A am pretty rusty in bed though and in comparison my ex-F+ was super sensitive so sex was easier with her in comparison. But its good that she was so confident.

Its already next days afternoon. Need some food and then maybe some sleep. 

[Jannes]

I wish I could have just slept through to tommorow but I just woke up after 4 hours. I am still so confused.. 

Would love to go to IKEA now for my emotional safe space but its almost midnight. 

..

I am just not grounded enough or have enough experience to understand what went wrong. 

[Jannes]

The RV - sesion went terrible. Didnt expect it to be good anyway.

Some notes.

This experience yesterday makes me question the picture I have of myself. I would like to be like Rittersporn in the Witcher, but I am way more Fuckboyish in reality. I am very lovely in a sense when its about choosing with whom I want to have sex and not but when I want it and not much more, I wont emotionally manipulate myself to sucess. Thats where I loose all the sweetness. I should maybe look for more actual connection then?

I rushed it too much yesterday I think. There are 100 things which could play into it in the end.

In a sense its really grounding though.

Not sure what would have happened if I acted like this in my old theatre club. Maybe I would have had some connections, some misconnection and some people who would have just approached me platonically if I did that. But I would have expressed myself more and true things would have come from that. Well I had my reasons back then. 

[Jannes]

I feel like I am a piece of shit. 

[Jannes]

I am pretty bad/ unconfident in escalation so I think that was the main thing, I wanted more then I could swallow and that felt inauthentic and backfired. 
She even said she really enjoyed all the sensual touches. 

But thats just me being authentic and me fighting myself even. Well I didnt really see her as a potential gf though. 

I think different survival programs I dont have full conscious access to rival each other here. The fuckboy program is one I would like to test out, where I have sex with multiple people but dont commit to any of them, which is nerfed because I still want to make conscious choices with whom I want to sleep with but because of it I see the potential I could have. 

Whats the other program? .. 

time to sleep again. 

[Jannes]

I am licking the wounds of my ego.

[Jannes]

I am feeling quite a lot of unease. Maybe all the emotions from not taking medication for a day need to be dealt with in combination with the experience which needs to be processed. 

Thought about if I should do medication or tea today, but my emotions are so strong, I rather do medication and be safe. 

[Jannes]

Interestingly though I had quite the artistic moment this morning which I translated into one insight for my insights journal at least. 

Maybe more would have come if I didnt take medication. Thats a potential pattern to look out for. 

[Jannes]

I have some feelings for the girl. It was the same with a girl in Berlin I made out with (no sex though). If you spent a lot of time in physical closeness emotions are about to happen. So even with a relatively small sample size I can nail this pattern down.

So with the mariokart&chill girl it was maybe right to be cautious. I would have had feelings for her, even though I only wanted sex. 

[Jannes]

Gosh, my RV - session was a struggle today. 1:08 min, the longest sessio thus far. I feel very refreshed from the session interestingly though.

Have a bunch of insights from the session again.

The girl kind of saw me as an intellectual even though I dont study a lot. Its the same with some other people as well. 

there is this scene in the witcher series where the guys says better boring and safe to jennifer

 

Pokemon creates a bunch of dualities like types: grass, fairy, fire, ... and then from these structures certain forms are victorious over others. Kind of like reality. 

I am really trying to understand RV. Not sure if other students do that, hearing from Leo and Wilber might give me an adge there. Maybe I can learn it faster. Maybe RV is just a mindless technique that gives ok results even if you dont get it, but when you get it, you might master it. 

 

Interestingly i didnt think about RV for money for all this times again.. until now argh