Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I got an email from my provider today. She no longer prescribes stimulants, so I am quitting them! 

Love how we are going in the opposite direction now 

Oh 

I hope you are prepared to live without medication as it can make a big difference. 

[Jannes]

I didnt notice a huge difference with double the dose right away but I will probably notice the difference the coming days.

 

[Jannes]

I was looking forward to continue reading Blame! It got pretty boring though. I kind of forgot the Plot and the action isnt really that interesting to me. However there are so many ideas integrated into this distopian world and I got a bit of that, but I am not looking forward to reading more. 

[Jannes]

I am not sure how big the difference is between reading Mange and watching Youtube. My brain is fried either way. I thought reading Manga would be a different category because its not a video.

[Jannes]

I felt pretty good and fresh at the beginning of my RV session today. But that didnt translate to any success. 

Some notes:

I really havent thought about RV as a way to make money until this session now. Thats maybe not so good because that intention can cloud my vision and make the learning process, which needs to come from a place of intrinsic motivation, a lot harder.

It is very difficult to not view with the ego. I just had a 2min battle of basically trying to shot the arrow while aiming but I felt my aim always trying to come before me. I need to force my ego to give up when viewing. When I dont do that and I had other attempts after that I dont view anything.

Maybe I have to become moral authority. When nobody else gets it. I remember back in the day when I did that I randomly made a good friend. 

But thats a trap of course, identifying as someone moral. 

When I dont speak about it I dont feel like I have it, when I speak about it I forgot that I had it. 

How do I escape that paradox?

When I put my attention outside (while RV) then this automatically makes it easier to disconnect from my ego -- as my trainer said.

Edited Saturday at 04:57 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

My mind/ ego is starting how remote viewing works. I need to admit to myself that I dont know, given my poor performance. I got about 0-1 things correct from about 10 today. 

I hope that at some point this clicks. 

[Jannes]

I am proud of myself for following through though. Its not an easy thing to learn and I was in the mood of quitting right away. I consciously reshaped an old pattern to a certain extend which is bonus work. 

Maybe at some point I do 2 sessions a day, but for now just stabilizing a once a day routine seems more important. 

[Jannes]

I like this piece of art.

[Jannes]

I didnt think about my old friend at all for the last week, Wow. 

Medication really is a survival button, filtering only what is important for survival for me now. 

In a sense I always wanted to have that voice, even without medication, but not necessarily step into its shoes. 

[Jannes]

There was a situation with another girl at the social club which whom I flirted to much basically and I feared I couldnt create a boundary. 

I feel like the last time she naturally got it. When I dont spread my awareness and flirting all over the place but in a controlled manner with the help of medication everything is clear. 

[Jannes]

If I would just be able to control myself without medication I would really reach incredible heights. 

[Jannes]

Going to a house party now. Its good that I breath some fresh air after being in the same socializing routine for weeks now. 

[Jannes]

5 hours ago, Jannes said:

Going to a house party now. Its good that I breath some fresh air after being in the same socializing routine for weeks now. 

I was a bit sceptical at first, but oh, did that mixup feel good. 

I was there with a few friends I know closer though. At one point one said that he really appreciates me for being dead honest and authentic to which another one agreed to. Good to get that feedback. 

Knew another girl from chit chatting before as well. Gosh, I dont know what it is, but I feel super attracted to her. I kind of have a sexual blockade but with her I would do it right away. She has a bf though. She seems authentically interested though, also giving off a few subtle signs with the most obvious one asking me if I want the last gulp of her grapefruit beer as she couldnt finish it. I have to be careful to not drive into the next mess right away -- unless she is poly or something. 

[Jannes]

The dynamic with her bf is interesting. One time he made the comment that as a white men its weird to speak of surpression. So obviously a leftie but I feel the whole rhetoric is so sub and conform. And at another point she kind of bullied him, saying that he is so funny in a sarcastic and even a bit offensive way. 

So she seems to be in control. 

When I first talked to her thats also the role she seemed to play. 

Well.. the reality seems to be that I have a weakness for that kind of people or at least sexual attraction. 

[Jannes]

11 hours ago, Jannes said:

Knew another girl from chit chatting before as well. Gosh, I dont know what it is, but I feel super attracted to her. I kind of have a sexual blockade but with her I would do it right away. She has a bf though. She seems authentically interested though, also giving off a few subtle signs with the most obvious one asking me if I want the last gulp of her grapefruit beer as she couldnt finish it. I have to be careful to not drive into the next mess right away -- unless she is poly or something. 

I woke up in the middle of the night with a boner, dreaming about banging her. Then jerked off to her. 

I dont even know whats going on. 

Well.. I made the discovery before that when I feel socially at peace, which I was when socializing with two friends I was a bit closer with yesterday, I feel much more at ease going for sex. That in combination with that girl I have obvious affection for seemingly resulted in this. 

I think the lesson here is that its not that I have a low sex drive, but that I have emotional blockades. Which might explain why I still have this player mindset oftentimes despite seemingly falsely assuming I am mostly above sex. 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

Well.. I made the discovery before that when I feel socially at peace, which I was when socializing with two friends I was a bit closer with yesterday, I feel much more at ease going for sex. That in combination with that girl I have obvious affection for seemingly resulted in this. 

I think the lesson here is that its not that I have a low sex drive, but that I have emotional blockades. Which might explain why I still have this player mindset oftentimes despite seemingly falsely assuming I am mostly above sex. 

I think this is very telling about my current socializing spot. There is still much growth to do.

[Jannes]

Wow, no major breaks during my RV - session today. Which was the goal anyway, but a bit strange that it happened. 

I had a few thoughts about the girl, yesterday and the relationship between thinking and my ability to remote view though.

[Jannes]

If I am a bit generous I got more then 50% correct in this RV session!!! Not enough to convince me its real, it could have been luck as there are many things on the picture of my target today though but still likely my best RV - session on my own yet. 

Also no single Pokemon AOL, just a small break seems to be healthy. Its really interesting watching my current associations as it tells a lot about where my mind currently is. 

[UnbornTao]

@Jannes What's RV? 

[Jannes]

1 minute ago, UnbornTao said:

@Jannes What's RV? 

Remote Viewing. 

I do formal training to learn it with a coach and all that..