Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Forgot good ol youtube exists for research.

I completly blocked youtube from my laptop and it was hard at first but now I dont even want to go back, as it feels so unhealthy. But for some research its helpful occasionally so I unblock it:

// Almost everything in this video already made perfect sense, there are few new insights - why is it so hard for me to find my path then!?

 

Edited May 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

 

This is for tomorrow: 

 

 

[Jannes]

Notes:

1) AD(H)D sympoms are very individual, depending on my type of AD(H)D different jobs might work differently for me.

2) It suggests that AD(H)D acts like amplifier. If you are uninterested and also have AD(H)D you are super uninterested, if you are interested and also have AD(H)D you might develop hyperfocus. So its important to nail what interests me, which is what all my previous work is about - so good for me.

Problem being is that I am not that emotionally healthy - but finding my career would create mental health.

[Jannes]

On 27.12.2024 at 3:04 AM, Jannes said:

My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think.
I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. 
I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though)

I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. 

To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it):

- giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious.

- finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful

So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented.

Design ohne Titel.pdf

 

This is really interesting to look back at. I intuitively knew, yet didnt completly trust, that something was missing. My emotions were to fucked up to look at. I am still very much in the process of healing, its getting better though. But its obvious why I couldnt become aware of those emotionally driven values of mine.

I value healing and mediating and interestingly that can be put into the larger context of spirituality because this requires a lack of bias to do properly. Also mediating cant be done from every state, the individuals need to open up into the spiritual domain.

 

I had a strong cognitive bias because I had emotional blockades. I actually do value things like empathy and healing more, even though critical thinking probably remains one of my top values. 

 

Edited May 19 by Jannes

[Jannes]

16 hours ago, Jannes said:

I reached some peak insights about myself: Talking with others when there are problems is extremely important for me. There were a few events in my life where this communication didnt work out because I was emotionally (trauma) triggered and lost it and this caused a deep sene of disconnection, of feeling like I fit in and am okay.

Because I value healing and mediating - being incompetent in it is an especially big hit to my sense of self worth because my authentic self is partly a mediator.

 

[Jannes]

Delaying problems leads to procrastination.
For example because I delayed my social problems and confidence problems my time testing the waters in teaching were really bad. From that experience I cant tell if it was just a bad experience because of my problems or because because I actually dont like the job.

 

The problem with being a teacher is that I dont really value teaching, especially math which would be my main subject.
And I value things like self expression and authenticity which I have to repress to a certain extend to make it work although I have room to express it more then other things.

My degree would be a good allrounder to find other jobs though and the studies itself are very doable. Philosophy is easy and somewhat fun, education is okay but not hard and math sucks but its doable and a great project with my dad. But the road isnt motivating...

[Jannes]

In about a month I either get a renewed add diagnosis or not. 

If so I hopefully get access to specialized add theraphy which would give me a huge booster. 

If not I would be in even bigger need of psychotheraphy which I would try to get then.

[Jannes]

What is so valueable about this journal is that I am more likely to find patterns and repititions because everything is inside the blog, its harder to conveniently forget.

 

 

[Jannes]

Speaking of patterns, sometimes I stop myself from archieving something, especially if its about relationships. I remember when I was doing some kind meditative practice with other people and I had such a good vibe with a women there. It was all so perfect and yet for some reason I never came again. I was astonished myself, closely observing myself and being unable to figure out why exactly I act the way I acted. 

It can be a broth mixed with all kind of good reasons like not wanting to give to much personal space away to fast and so on and I act intuitively so I dont logically follow every action I do but sometimes it just doesnt make much sense. There seems to be a deeper pattern I am not fully conscious off. Maybe trauma related (feeling unlovable or something), sometimes it can also be spiritually related (wanting to stay in alignment to my pursuit), that I dont want to open to the social domain to much but its unlikely always the case.

[Jannes]

For later:

 

 

 

 

 

[Jannes]

Wild card - Remote viewing

If I were less open minded I would actually have it easier to get a normal job. So wouldnt it only be a sort of a natural balance that because of my disadvantage there that I would have it easier else where like finding a well paying job one could only find through open mindedness and that I also have the abilities to do it, ... please, please universe bend to my interpretation of you which has my human bias?

Like can remote viewing be a real thing people and I can make money from ?

 

___________________

 

I already did a course on remote viewing once, talking like 3 hours with a guy who could apperently do it. And he coached me and I did it myself and I correctly identified a volcano through coordinates alone. I remember saying things like intense energy, gray, ash, ... He even told me that one could make good money with it. This was my entry haha. Well I dont quite know what I thought about it back then, despite correctly identifying parts of the volcano it was so vague that I thought it could just be interprated to make it fit. And all the other talk seemed a little weird although I didnt come to a full conclusion if this was real or not. So I didnt follow it afterwards partly because of that confusion but also maybe because I was running away from something good.

On 21.5.2025 at 1:05 PM, Jannes said:

Speaking of patterns, sometimes I stop myself from archieving something, especially if its about relationships. I remember when I was doing some kind meditative practice with other people and I had such a good vibe with a women there. It was all so perfect and yet for some reason I never came again. I was astonished myself, closely observing myself and being unable to figure out why exactly I act the way I acted. 

It can be a broth mixed with all kind of good reasons like not wanting to give to much personal space away to fast and so on and I act intuitively so I dont logically follow every action I do but sometimes it just doesnt make much sense. There seems to be a deeper pattern I am not fully conscious off. Maybe trauma related (feeling unlovable or something), sometimes it can also be spiritually related (wanting to stay in alignment to my pursuit), that I dont want to open to the social domain to much but its unlikely always the case.

 

Edited May 22 by Jannes

[Jannes]

A moment when I felt very much connected to my inner values:

On 19.5.2025 at 10:01 PM, Jannes said:

I was never in an open relationship but I helped an ex f+ work through emotions and fear after having a one night stand. It was so painful and so incredibly open, alive and loving at the same time. Honestly I havent reached the same level of happiness that I experienced that day for about a year now. I value honesty and authenticity deeply so that may play into it.

[Jannes]

I havent booked a vacation yet. The time being sick and playing with perspectives helped a lot so I thought this was enough. But looking out the window into the foggy sky I feel a deep longing of just existing for some time without a task or pressure. I want to look out of an open window at rain drops for 3 hours, being completly lost from everyday reality.

 

On 20.5.2025 at 4:47 PM, Jannes said:

Delaying problems leads to procrastination.

Edited May 22 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Met my friend today again. He was at the place before me and socialized with quite a few more people. We chatted with this one girl who was so cool, she had such a magnetic character, I really liked her. It was a very wholesome evening. Later those two left together. This guy is my personal hero, incredibly generous, a femenist and seemingly also successfull with women in a non toxic way.

Edited Friday at 01:29 AM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Talked with a girl who does ergotheraphy today. Maybe thats also an option. It takes 3 years of training to get a degree.

[Jannes]

Great.  But thats what makes me think if my studies are that important. I would need to invest so much into it, maybe the degree is meaningless in a few years and what counts is actual experience. 

Anyways that waste meter looks super interesting, couldnt find it the source of it though. 

 

[Jannes]

I wrote the leader of my club a text message that I want to leave the club a few days ago. He hasnt replied yet. I thought about it for more then a year now and writing the message itself took me about 6 hours with weeks beforehand. The club was the biggest heartbreak I ever had, I committed so deeply so breaking from it created panik in me. It was almost perfect, a place where I could find out who I am, almost. But there was just such an accumulation of bullshit I experienced there, it just doesnt feel right anymore.

After I wrote the text message I felt pretty vulnerable, like I dont have my group to protect me anymore.
 

It was interesting the evening after that I dreamed pretty vividly, I remember taking LSD in the dream. I am clearing up and might be more open to psychedelics again.

 

Made a tour yesterday to clear my head. I almost went back into writing the leader of the club that he should forget about the message and that I will be back. I will face a pretty harsh reality where I dont have the club as a supporting group (even though it was toxic there) while also not having many other options. It might all be because I felt the support of my student friend that I had the confidence to leave the club, but I cant rely on that. I notice however how making new connections with other people feels a little more organic and natural, like my primate brain adapts to the new survival situation.

Edited Sunday at 04:19 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

I remember that I had a friend who had a ton of self worth problems stemming etc. from a bad childhood and I worked a lot for him. It felt incredible, honestly I thought at some point that I just need to replicate that at the future and I basically dont have to work anymore because I like it so much. 

However it just didnt really work out, I spent so much love but nothing really changed and I was running out of love myself, I thought I had infinite fuel but I didnt.
That depressed me a little. And I also had my own problems and so it came to an end at some point.
 

But this is basically still what I do all the time.

 

If I learn to get my own needs met, maybe this can be work for me. 

 

I am basically thinking that my work needs to be closely tied to the field of a social worker who works on helping people with emotioal problems, trauma, etc. Its just not clear to me what my exact taste would be. Maybe hardcore trauma would just be too much for me for example. And also much of my inventions and ideas come from this point, helping people with art though instead of directly. 

So in my life I either want to do direct social work and do my art in my free time, or do creative work as a job and at least have plenty of friends I can be the free psychiatrist for. 

[Jannes]

The path to becoming an ergo therapist is just a little longer as getting my teachers degree. The teachers degree is a lot higher of an degree and could give me more options all around, which is important because with adhd you easily get bored from a job and want to change. As an ergo therapist I work in the right direction already though. I have to compare the options these jobs open for me. And working as a teacher might not be ideal but a very strong backup option for when I want to change carrers and want to make good money for few hours of work.

[Jannes]

I hear that as an INFP a graphic designer would be a great job. I havent really looked into that. I did a little bit of photoshop back in the day, thats all. I always had a tough time learning the program. Because I was emotionally in a bad state I didnt have the calm to do it, because learning requires a certain degree of calmness, which is why acting often worked out for me, I finally had a place where I could express myself creatively. But I have so many ideas in general for example on my blog without a medium in which I can express my ideas in, so learning to be a graphic designer could do both, it could earn me money and a lot of ways to express myself creatively aka living my life purpose. It takes about 1-2 years to become good at graphic design and with the help of Leos tipps, I know how to make a great portfolio.

When I was in an emotionally better state, as a kid I loved this game though. There are probably tutorials online with which you can have a similiar experience learning the programms of a graphic designer.