Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Forgot good ol youtube exists for research.

I completly blocked youtube from my laptop and it was hard at first but now I dont even want to go back, as it feels so unhealthy. But for some research its helpful occasionally so I unblock it:

// Almost everything in this video already made perfect sense, there are few new insights - why is it so hard for me to find my path then!?

 

Edited Sunday at 10:28 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

 

This is for tomorrow: 

 

 

[Jannes]

Notes:

1) AD(H)D sympoms are very individual, depending on my type of AD(H)D different jobs might work differently for me.

2) It suggests that AD(H)D acts like amplifier. If you are uninterested and also have AD(H)D you are super uninterested, if you are interested and also have AD(H)D you might develop hyperfocus. So its important to nail what interests me, which is what all my previous work is about - so good for me.

Problem being is that I am not that emotionally healthy - but finding my career would create mental health.

[Jannes]

On 27.12.2024 at 3:04 AM, Jannes said:

My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think.
I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. 
I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though)

I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. 

To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it):

- giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious.

- finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful

So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented.

Design ohne Titel.pdf

 

This is really interesting to look back at. I intuitively knew, yet didnt completly trust, that something was missing. My emotions were to fucked up to look at. I am still very much in the process of healing, its getting better though. But its obvious why I couldnt become aware of those emotionally driven values of mine.

I value healing and mediating and interestingly that can be put into the larger context of spirituality because this requires a lack of bias to do properly. Also mediating cant be done from every state, the individuals need to open up into the spiritual domain.

 

I had a strong cognitive bias because I had emotional blockades. I actually do value things like empathy and healing more, even though critical thinking probably remains one of my top values. 

 

Edited Monday at 01:10 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

16 hours ago, Jannes said:

I reached some peak insights about myself: Talking with others when there are problems is extremely important for me. There were a few events in my life where this communication didnt work out because I was emotionally (trauma) triggered and lost it and this caused a deep sene of disconnection, of feeling like I fit in and am okay.

Because I value healing and mediating - being incompetent in it is an especially big hit to my sense of self worth because my authentic self is partly a mediator.

 

[Jannes]

Delaying problems leads to procrastination.
For example because I delayed my social problems and confidence problems my time testing the waters in teaching were really bad. From that experience I cant tell if it was just a bad experience because of my problems or because because I actually dont like the job.

 

The problem with being a teacher is that I dont really value teaching, especially math which would be my main subject.
And I value things like self expression and authenticity which I have to repress to a certain extend to make it work although I have room to express it more then other things.

My degree would be a good allrounder to find other jobs though and the studies itself are very doable. Philosophy is easy and somewhat fun, education is okay but not hard and math sucks but its doable and a great project with my dad. But the road isnt motivating...

[Jannes]

In about a month I either get a renewed add diagnosis or not. 

If so I hopefully get access to specialized add theraphy which would give me a huge booster. 

If not I would be in even bigger need of psychotheraphy which I would try to get then.

[Jannes]

What is so valueable about this journal is that I am more likely to find patterns and repititions because everything is inside the blog, its harder to conveniently forget.

 

 

[Jannes]

Speaking of patterns, sometimes I stop myself from archieving something, especially if its about relationships. I remember when I was doing some kind meditative practice with other people and I had such a good vibe with a women there. It was all so perfect and yet for some reason I never came again. I was astonished myself, closely observing myself and being unable to figure out why exactly I act the way I acted. 

It can be a broth mixed with all kind of good reasons like not wanting to give to much personal space away to fast and so on and I act intuitively so I dont logically follow every action I do but sometimes it just doesnt make much sense. There seems to be a deeper pattern I am not fully conscious off. Maybe trauma related (feeling unlovable or something), sometimes it can also be spiritually related (wanting to stay in alignment to my pursuit), that I dont want to open to the social domain to much but its unlikely always the case.

[Jannes]

For later:

 

 

 

 

 

[Jannes]

Wild card - Remote viewing

If I were less open minded I would actually have it easier to get a normal job. So wouldnt it only be a sort of a natural balance that because of my disadvantage there that I would have it easier else where like finding a well paying job one could only find through open mindedness and that I also have the abilities to do it, ... please, please universe bend to my interpretation of you which has my human bias?

Like can remote viewing be a real thing people and I can make money from ?

 

___________________

 

I already did a course on remote viewing once, talking like 3 hours with a guy who could apperently do it. And he coached me and I did it myself and I correctly identified a volcano through coordinates alone. I remember saying things like intense energy, gray, ash, ... He even told me that one could make good money with it. This was my entry haha. Well I dont quite know what I thought about it back then, despite correctly identifying parts of the volcano it was so vague that I thought it could just be interprated to make it fit. And all the other talk seemed a little weird although I didnt come to a full conclusion if this was real or not. So I didnt follow it afterwards partly because of that confusion but also maybe because I was running away from something good.

On 21.5.2025 at 1:05 PM, Jannes said:

Speaking of patterns, sometimes I stop myself from archieving something, especially if its about relationships. I remember when I was doing some kind meditative practice with other people and I had such a good vibe with a women there. It was all so perfect and yet for some reason I never came again. I was astonished myself, closely observing myself and being unable to figure out why exactly I act the way I acted. 

It can be a broth mixed with all kind of good reasons like not wanting to give to much personal space away to fast and so on and I act intuitively so I dont logically follow every action I do but sometimes it just doesnt make much sense. There seems to be a deeper pattern I am not fully conscious off. Maybe trauma related (feeling unlovable or something), sometimes it can also be spiritually related (wanting to stay in alignment to my pursuit), that I dont want to open to the social domain to much but its unlikely always the case.

 

Edited yesterday at 06:58 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

A moment when I felt very much connected to my inner values:

On 19.5.2025 at 10:01 PM, Jannes said:

I was never in an open relationship but I helped an ex f+ work through emotions and fear after having a one night stand. It was so painful and so incredibly open, alive and loving at the same time. Honestly I havent reached the same level of happiness that I experienced that day for about a year now. I value honesty and authenticity deeply so that may play into it.

[Jannes]

I havent booked a vacation yet. The time being sick and playing with perspectives helped a lot so I thought this was enough. But looking out the window into the foggy sky I feel a deep longing of just existing for some time without a task or pressure. I want to look out of an open window at rain drops for 3 hours, being completly lost from everyday reality.

 

On 20.5.2025 at 4:47 PM, Jannes said:

Delaying problems leads to procrastination.

Edited yesterday at 07:34 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Met my friend today again. He was at the place before me and socialized with quite a few more people. We chatted with this one girl who was so cool, she had such a magnetic character, I really liked her. It was a very wholesome evening. Later those two left together. This guy is my personal hero, incredibly generous, a femenist and seemingly also successfull with women in a non toxic way.

Edited 21 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

Talked with a girl who does ergotheraphy today. Maybe thats also an option. It takes 3 years of training to get a degree.

[Jannes]

Great.  But thats what makes me think if my studies are that important. I would need to invest so much into it, maybe the degree is meaningless in a few years and what counts is actual experience. 

Anyways that waste meter looks super interesting, couldnt find it the source of it though.