Ego Backlash gets Excruciatingly Painful sometimes

[Keryo Koffa]

I'm in a big transition phase in my life since I started doing psychedelics in September and had the greatest highs and lowest lows I ever had. At best, I discover deep traumas within me that subconsciously shape and determine the whole course of my life, all my experiences, desires and shortcomings and traps. At worst, the ego backlash makes it feels like I'm the worst and most pathetic person to ever exist, am wasting my time, am not worthy of actually existing and should go sacrifice myself for any first random cause I find and give up all and any desires and feelings I have or just end it altogether.

With each trip, I peel of a layer of the onion ego and am astounded how impactful it is. Experiences include: "So that's what it feels like not to be in fear 24/7" or "That's what love feels like" or "I didn't know I had these feelings" or "I can't believe how much bs I'm tolerating and how little I think of myself" or "I wish I didn't end that relationship so abruptly or at least say how I really feel" or "I can't believe all these things that I found so difficult were actually this easy" or "In this state of mind I can do anything, now let's figure out what's worthwhile and make a plan" or "How far does this rabbit hole go and how do I transcend all the transcending?".

I feel like I'm not doing enough and like introspection is a waste of time but in truth it made a massive difference:

- Led to to quit my toxic job which was a literal assembly line with nothing of value to be learned

- Reestablish a life purpose in the things that matter to me the most

- Sign up for college which I postponed because I wanted to learn it all by myself but it offers accountability, environment, opportunities, like minded people and I don't have to go into debt

- Travel outside the country and with the train for the first time in my life, spontaneously bikepacking for a week

- Build foundations on basic life skills like cooking, managing the house, repairing my bike myself

- Go outside and enjoy nature more

- Become enthusiastic about my hobbies which I fell out of due to excessive perfectionism

- Get inspired about learning new things about science, spirituality, art, psychology, practical things etc..

But with a list like that, I'm objectively making more progress than ever before in my life. It feels like I'm on a long retreat, not having to worry about any work or responsibility at this point in time and am trying to balance myself in 0G and create a foundation, learn to carry ever greater burdens, not to actually see them as such and balance it with self-compassion, to be content as I am and simultaneously continue to grow and improve. Learn to act out of an abundance mindset, face negative emotions head on through awareness, sit with them and inquire about their source and find ways to transmute negative energy without doing spiritual bypassing in the process.

I am ever thankful for leaning the term "Ego-Backlash" from Leo's episode on it. It's a feeling of wasting time and simultaneous anhedonia, excessive unrealistic expectations, mental torture, reduced self-worth, alienation from others feeling like they have it all together at all times and I'm the only one struggling, being alienated from my own struggles despite their impact they made on me, lack of energy and existence itself requiring massive effort not to collapse under the weight of the incoming self-judgement, nevermind the energy to do the smallest things. It's mostly after trips that I face it but on one of my trips lately (50g Truffles + 3g Syrian Rue) I was somewhat immobilized purely by the mental strain of having to justify the mere act of existing to myself against being selfish, useless and a detriment to the universe.

Every psychedelic trip expands my sphere of understanding, action taking, confidence and comfort zone. I often think that "that's it, now I can do things hard or easy and not suffer". When effort itself becomes a bodily sensation, not a mental strain. It is like pain without suffering, but it doesn't even have to be painful since that's a property of framing.

Psychedelics made me realize a lot of things:

- I live in a first world country, why am I so paranoid and miserable?

- Why do handicap myself with a scarcity mindset and limit what I can do?

- I have so many resources and opportunities, why not use them?

- I am capable of overthinking the littlest things, it's absolutely bonkers, it's like an art form.

As I laid my thoughts down in this writing, the backlash subsided, I started practicing sitting with discomfort without using external means like food to change my state of mind and take those feelings away, which I used to do. But as I'm getting a grip, it seems new layers are revealed. The ego backlash/homeostasis mechanisms I have identified so far are:

- Anhedonia: No enthusiasm about anything and feeling like nothing will ever matter again

- Distractions:

- Surface Level: Junk food, porn, drugs, entertainment

- Deeper Waters: Productivity, being useful, external validation, workaholism, routines, habits, exercise

- Ocean Floor: Reframing, spiritual bypassing, self-care, friends, life purpose

The deeper it goes, the healthier it gets and many of those activities are healthy lifestyle choices that are great by themselves for their own sake but they can also be used to avoid facing the shadow, so it's tricky. Sometimes, the feeling of ego-backlash might instead be a sign to engage in these activities but then again, the need itself and discontentment are a seed of problems in themselves if these activities are done out of need and fear instead of love or as an avoidance mechanism, though the presence of them usually indicates a larger/healthier and more flexible ego.

Feelings of Shame / Guilt / Blame / Fear etc.: Can be framed/understood and integrated OR be paralyzing, lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, detrimental mindsets, self-deception, internal zero/negative-sum conflict, paradigm lock, reckless behavior, mistrust, alienation, prejudice, limited perspective and self-suppression.

The Fear/Disgust Combo - The Source of Discomfort: Weird feelings akin to an innate discomfort, uneasiness, the source of the feeling of disgust, of irrational phobias, of obsessive/compulsive behavior, sometimes fear of the unknown, of psychosis, a feeling of repulsion/fear, of ugliness, of resistance and avoidance, deterioration, gore etc.. This is a feeling I can trace back to childhood that can get entangled and associated with certain things and cause lots of suffering through coping behavior creating a paradigm lock.

In the end, I work through it all, I learn new concepts to help me understand and face it, to propel me forward through the deconstruction of what holds me back. I face ego-backlash a lot and sometimes forget to identify it for what it is. In those times, it feels like I'm worthless and always will be, that I'm wasting my time, am overcome by Shame/Guilt/Disgust am Self-Blame and that all the progress I made is for neigh. I get "Aha-Moments", which are the expression of intuitive intelligence that expands perspective and breaks paradigms, but instead of appreciating that success, I feel like I discovered something obvious, everybody was already aware of and I'm just stupid for having taken so long to get there, yet it reframes all my understanding and makes me magnitudes better at handling my emotions/desires/relationships/goals/purpose. When unaware of the ego-backlash being just that, it feels like my entire world is falling apart, like all that I worked towards and all the positivity I cultivated is a fools errand and I'll be eternally miserable and I feel the need to live up to saints and superstars, to perform every feat that collective humanity and all the most skillful/spiritual individuals are capable of, that I need to be able to do everything, regardless of whether I want to or not, in every and all disciplines, or else I'm worthless/selfish/lazy/useless/bad, not even evil, since that's a role one can be effective in playing, but rather pathetic.

And yet, I enjoy hours of research, learning new things, creating systems, learning how to learn, inventing omni-dimensional approaches where instead of learning by cutting the cross section of a topic 8 times, I just cut it once across three dimensions, getting the same 8 pieces with less effort/repetition and more understanding/inventiveness/context, increasing knowledge exponentially instead of linearly. To recontextualize all of reality through every new concept. It's the difference between the curiosity and an enthusiasm/abundance mindset and insecurity and neediness/scarcity mindset.

Sometimes, in the absence of ego-backlash I feel like I'm given opportunities to face discomfort on my own terms and do something healthy, it's quite rewarding but I got to maintain self-compassion at all times. The more empathetic I am to myself, the better I feel and the more I do and I end up enjoying/loving the experience instead of being actively deterred from repeating it due to having to rely on discipline and shame to motivate me. It often times feels like making decisions from this mindset is overly slow, but repetition becomes effortless and fast. It's not what I'm used, Metaphorically, it's like switching from energy drinks and fast foods to tea and salads/fruits (though that's also what I've been doing lately) and learning to operate on consistent energy levels that don't peak but also don't fall and gradually grow.

Ego Backlash is a real struggle, can be very debilitating and sometimes I have to sit with it for hours, but I feel like I'm getting the hang of it, especially when I journal about it like this post, maybe some of you will resonate, or have advice. It sure felt excruciatingly painful when I started writing and now I feel relaxed...

[Leo Gura]

All good stuff, but consider not doing psychedelics for a year so you can build up your momentum on manual work.

Psychedelics are great for insight, but they cripple your manual momentum. And manual momentum is where the material results are.

You need to build up a sizable foundation for your life through sheer manual work, because psychedelics cannot do that work for you.

Edited May 26 by Leo Gura

[Rafael Thundercat]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

All good stuff, but consider not doing psychedelics for a year so you can build up your momentum on manual work.

Psychedelics are great for insight, but they cripple your manual momentum. And manual momentum is where the material results are.

You need to build up a sizable foundation for your life through sheer manual work, because psychedelics cannot do that work for you.

True as far as psycadelics are working for me. Help to Show the Way but the Ground Work is done day by day.

[BlessedLion]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

All good stuff, but consider not doing psychedelics for a year so you can build up your momentum on manual work.

Psychedelics are great for insight, but they cripple your manual momentum. And manual momentum is where the material results are.

You need to build up a sizable foundation for your life through sheer manual work, because psychedelics cannot do that work for you.

This would make for a dope ass video