lmfao

This view of mine in this thread is but another position to be surrendered. @Synchronicity Yes. I've started to see through what I was saying a bit more now. I'm still far too unconscious.

Thanks for the replies guys. All round good advice. A few of the replies changed my perspective a little. I've started to understand him a bit more. I think what it is as well, just very different personality types. He's a workaholic, juggling the equivalent of 2-3 jobs at once. And because he's juggling so much and is under a lot of stress, he can be brash and disagreeable and terse to those around him. He's very much a practical "do-er", can be perfectionistic in a Gordon Ramsay sense, without so much rage though. But I think I might just find a lot of the stuff he's interested in boring and mundane XD.

@WHO IS death=flux. Ask yourself what flux is.

I say this not to dismiss your question but to encourage you to think broadly about this if you haven't already. Don't take for granted that reality is love just because everyone here appears like they know so. The world is riddled with pain. Suffering, conflict and its worst, sadism. So if you're contemplating police brutality, try and see these broader patterns wherever you can. Whilst what I said in the previous sentence might seem to encourage whimsical/abstract thinking, it should be done in the opposite way, where you have a fine eye for detail and yet look a the bigger picture at the same time. Paradoxical but such is all this. Any random starting point is all anyone can do, so thinking about police brutality is great. I also understand you could have made this topic to spark a discussion and just observe.

@Parththakkar12 How deep are you willing to go into this: 1) Taking survival for granted: from a pragmatic point of view, protesting and riots put pressure to get what you want. It can be as simple and linear as that 2) You can contemplate survival in all its forms

@Leo Gura Very true about Trump. I'm just hoping Biden picks a good Vice President candidate. SO LONG AS HE DOESN'T PICK FUCKING AMY KLOBUCHAR I THINK WE MIGHT BE GOOD. https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/29/politics/amy-klobuchar-vice-president-criminal-justice-record/index.html If Biden picks this woman to be Vice President candidate, I'll be lost for words. She's absolutely terrible and uninspiring, probably the worst fucking choice.

@AtheisticNonduality I love The Amazing Atheist. I only hope this newly invigorated hatred towards trump and the government is transmuted into democrats being elected. Because for a while now, I've felt certain Trump was just gonna win again. But machiavellian thoughts of election aside. I hope this is, or at least close to being, the last straw of pressure that the police and government can handle before they seriously reconsider their policing. Provided that there is some sort of epiphany or change in strategy which can be had by whoever is behind the scenes at the top of all this. But it probably won't be. And I have the unfortunate feeling that maybe everyone will forget about George Floyd in a month or 2 , and Trump will still win

For a long time now, I've been having repetitive thoughts. My mind imagines myself to be in the same physical locations, over and over again. This list includes - Various different facilities and rooms and fields in my high school - specific areas outside of my primary school, as well as the fields there - Specific and different areas of this old couple's (who are effectively my grandparents) home - Virtual locations in video games -al-Masjid al-Ḥarām in Saudi arabia that I visited - The village community centre near where I live Just writing that list down doesn't communicate the vividness and frequency with which I revisit these places. Doesn't communicate just how intrusive some of it all is. I could spend a long time enumerating all the places that come up. Or writing down what associations and themes that are with each of them. But that would be too long, I'm consciously realising more and more places everyday that my mind is visiting every day. To describe it all would amount to an autobiography. There's just such a large world of images I've built. Anyway, within the last hour I had a breakthrough in figuring out the meaning behind two the of the locations my mind repeatedly visits. My mind visits the art room in high school because thats where I would talk to my crush a lot, my mind revisits the D&T department in high school because that's where I found out she was dating and asked out by someone else. The meaning behind all the locations I visit. It's all starting to make sense now. Its undigested emotions and memories. Which "deep down I knew" what they represented but didn't actually know consciously. Rather, I refused to let myself know. Weird to experience this first hand. I would call this a facet of honesty. It is a subtle layer of dishonesty and self deception that allows whats obvious in your face to not be seen. My problem however There are still things and locations I cant make sense of. Repressed memory is a bitch. It's so irritating. That I'm on the cusp of grasping something but it eludes me. I feel like I've lost the tangible details or factual account of what events occurred in what location, but some emotional/implicit memories still remain. Does anyone here have any advice or practices for how to bring this stuff up to the surface? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes my mind is chaotic. Just a massive haze and cloud. Which might be in any or no direction. Completely nonsensical, no order. A tornado of meaningless noise. A massive accumulation of impressions, loops of experience being played over again as well. At best it can be channeled into a creative force when doing amateur sketching. Or random obsessions which quickly fade. Threadiness, hairs, webiness, insects, streams of water, is/was a previous obsession. Ended up morphing into thoughts about embryos, inquiry into the difference between definition/resolution and undifferentiated mush/goo. Inquiry into the difference between order and disorder.

@The observer I will do soon enough hopefully.

@actualizing25 Everyone says, you should be in this to seek truth. But I want to be relieved of suffering. You can't attempt to trick yourself into thinking you must do this work for the sake of truth alone, simply because you think that doing it for the sake of truth alone will work and relieve your suffering. That is untruthful, dishonest. And so paradoxically, the most truthful thing you can do is admit you don't give a rat's ass about truth and just want to feel good.

@Girzo Yes, much of this is overthinking very meaningless and mundane things. @mandyjw The curse which everyone who seeks must come to terms with. @Spaceofawareness Yeah for sure. Some of the associations are pretty clear, its just dishonesty which prevents you from seeing it. And even if the tangible detail fades away, all emotional memory is in the present moment. @The observer Well without psychedelics I guess shamanic breathing might be the new thing to try.

آمِينَ‎ , Āmīn brother. @Eren Eeager And dude, wtf was that dark themed image when quoting Leo, making my eyes bleed at that contrast lmao

Yes

Some of the deepest moments of love I've experienced are when I have gotten into a conflict with someone. Two people triggered. Inquiring into that anger I feel, I get to hurt, and inquiring into that hurt I get to a desperate desire to be loved. To be loved, loved, loved. So bizarre really. And entangled with so much neuroticism, so messy. The fear, anger and despair of being vilified, ostracised, demonised, attacked, judged and belittled is a massive "weak point". Perhaps it is THE weak point that almost all other things stem from. My thoughts come down to "How dare you think you're better than me!?" , feelings of being worthlessness due to others deeming me worthless or scum. Love me , love me , love me. And it kinda disgusts me as well, seeing those desperate thoughts. I've been keeping up my guard, not letting myself be vulnerable. One thing to say it, another to directly realise it. And it kinda disgusts me as well, seeing those desperate thoughts. If you're a romantic onlooker, maybe you'll say I'm scared of being choked in the sunlight of love and run away like a vampire. I think my big "trauma" is feeling alienated and not accepted by others. So now I'm just looking into this all and it's so weird. Oh shit lol, someone from my past just messaged me. Notification just went off. ------ Another funny thing, right as I was/am typing this topic up now, someone from a circle of online friends I used to be apart of a few years ago just messaged me. It's been a long, long time since I've engaged with them. Since this was a couple years ago. The circle was extremely toxic, I was gaslighted repeatedly and bullied. He told me he and others were sorry, that the friendship group split from the people who I majorly hate and resent. He tried to invite me to a group chat without those few people just now, saying that he and others were sorry. I want to overcome these scars, but that suggestion and him messaging me alone is enough to get me way too fucking triggered and angry. Especially since I don't even think him and the other people are sorry enough. Thanks God. Edit: I made my peace with some of my old friends who bullied me who contacted me whilst I was writing the topic for this thread, but I'm not in sustained contact with them

This post reminded me of something Om Swami wrote, so I'll just transcribe it here. So my opinion. This reminds me of a question I've wondered before, in what way is automaticity antithetical to mindfulness. We live our lives on autopilot. Enlightenment work involve unlearning what is "false". Which involves unlearning bad habits as well. Yet the problem comes in the fact that it is pretty much undeniable we operate from memory. Don't take it for granted though, just pretend that you don't. Breathing, walking, moving your body, talking, skills, it's all memory. The smallest glimpse we've all seen, to a degree at least, of where the resolution to this conflict resides is the flow state. But my direct experience is still weak. In the domain of the relative. Video games make it easier to go into low mindfulness and autopilot for most people, imo. And that's what the quote I posted is referring to. You're reacting quickly to shit. In spiritual work, you're usually introducing a bit of a pause between your neurotic instinct and action. But video games make it hard for this, and you become a robot. It's a bit easier to get consciously absorbed into sports since its more wholistic and involves your entire body. Whilst it's theoretically possible to be fully mindful whilst playing video games, I think it's a difficult one for most people. But don't let me stop you.

"You don't disprove solipsism, solipsism disproves you" - Wise Internet Sage, 2020

The transition from physical books to digital books, just another example everything becoming digital. I have a romantic preference for things which "feel real". I want to sit next to a real fire, burning coal or wood. Not a fake holographic fire which is just a radiator running on electricity. I love nature. Everything is becoming mechanised and identical. Millions and millions of office cubicles all repetitively arranged, all of them the exact same shade of grey, with the exact same chair, with the exact same desk. Takes the life out of life. I prefer handwriting to typing things. Handwriting has a certain flair, idiosyncratic nature to it that I'm attracted to. In contrast to this digital form of transcription where the thoughts and emotions of all authors blend together to form this grey, dull conglomeration of binary digits. The random fascination and resistance I have to certain aspects of technology is just a manifestation of something deeper, not sure what yet. I like dystopian novels and films because of it.

@danilofaria Very much so they can. When I was a fundamentalist Muslim there was a period of time where I convinced myself with 100% certainty that Islam was true. This was when I was 13, and this "breakthrough" would follow large periods of time of doubting the validity of Islam, with whatever rigour a young teenage brain can muster. At the same time, I resolved all doubts in my mind about God's mercy and love. I fully, fully believed God was perfect, all loving and that existence is a complete blessing and that all of creation was showered in uncountable blessings. How could I possibly worry about hellfire for myself and others when God is all just? And so I just had mystical experiences, spiritual highs. It briefly made me feel like a loving Jesus Christ. Spiritual highs faded quickly however. And it all fell apart eventually when I had more doubts about Islam. Its all such a big mess isn't it. I don't normally cry to myself, but I'm crying a bit just thinking back to this all.

@Espaim Yes thank you for the encouragement sage. I've been getting too lazy with kriya yoga. It's like, you can experience how good it is for you but then you don't get around to doing it.

@Rasheed He probably has a love-hate relationship with boxing, and in whatever way he's come full circle to boxing again, but in his own terms and different this time. He had to traverse the entire circle though, it was necessary. Even if he attributes boxing to much of his spiritual dysfunction in the past, perhaps that dysfunction was a perversion of something pure which he has rediscovered.

@Xin Yeah I'm like this as well. I see too many interests. I used to purely love math/physics. Now I have a very complex love-hate relationship with math. I've become a lot more "right brained" as I've aged. Now its like, I want to get good at drawing, piano and writing. It's so bizarre. I was terrible at English in school. And whilst my spelling is still bad, through the act of just talking to people about things I find interesting I've improved my ability to communicate a lot. It's nowhere near amazing or high percentile, but it's a lot better than it used to be. Which was far below average. Also, good video Leo.

@IJB063 hahahahahah @JessiChell I'll think about raising may testosterone, never a bad idea. Although I really wouldn't want to take something artificial, and would rather do it all naturally @Espaim Yeah I've have suicidal thoughts directly from taking antidepressants as well. I'm glad someone replied to this thread with their progress. That you're trying different things to recover from it all now 2 years after About the sex drive thing, I've been having that as well. It's probably gone from very high to now very mild. I don't think it's completely the anti depressants though. I think my ideals/fantasies about sex have changed a bit. For example, the prospect of having a girlfriend or ever having kids in the future has lost its appeal to me, perhaps maybe due to seeing dysfunctional relationships with my parents growing up. Or in seeing my asian sister getting stressed looking for someone to marry.

@IJB063 Yeah that's why I'm weening off them right now. Emotional blunting is my main negative effect.

@Carl-Richard Cries in doomer

@Leo Gura in due time, inshallah