lmfao
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Everything posted by lmfao
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Monday 21/12/2020 19:13 I'm not a sociopath, but I was watching this interview with a sociopath on YouTube and I could relate to a few things of what he was talking about and it got me reflecting or lamenting a few things about it. One's emotions typically being in a narrow range. Now his case was different, he is often unable to feel "negative" emotions strongly as well as for positive emotions. I mainly lack the ability to feel positive emotions strongly, although it extends to negative emotions in a way ( I felt tremendous grief and shock when my friend died, so I have the capacity) . And I do feel empathy What sort of gave me some chills was his talk about emulating emotions and putting on a mask. I often feel as though I have to fake reactions and cues in conversation just to make the person comfortable and have the conversation flow. The characters I have most connected to or resonated with in fiction have been "joker archetypes" (Shogo Makishima, Izaya Orihara) where they are charismatic extroverts (who are psychopathic). Lack anxiety and extraversion being things I don't have and envy, ( + more reasons I greatly admire about those villainous characters). I see that same charismatic form as potential in me, accessed when I'm in my element. I don't know why I often lack positive emotions in this way. The external correlates are some combination of 'autistic traits' (a rather vague term which one must conclude, in the final analysis, to mean nothing), depression and antidepressants (emotional blunting). I wasn't always this emotionally blunted, it pisses me off to be this way right now though. Thankfully I still get surges of emotion from music or fiction, although with reduced intensity. As much as I may beat myself up or regret things, I can only be me. No left, right or back, only forwards exist. I can only do what's in my power and what will happen, I don't know. Exercise, diet, emotional healing, But maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I can choose to live differently, and that's fully my decision. Choosing to exercise, choosing to meditate, choosing to read, choosing to do art. To re-iterate , I'm not sociopath, but I can strongly resonate and relate to this guy in this interview. The spiritual and emotional struggles in more abstracted form. In regards to emotional bleakness. -- A thought which has crossed my mind is a distinction between "no free will" and "determinism". Determinism is an imposition over spiritual insights of "no free will". What can be described as "The seeing of no free will" is the seeing of "whatever is, is " . Determinism is an imposition of scientific belief systems on reality. A belief about how reality is entirely captured and fully described by some set of equations and a large enough set of numbers and variables. -- Almost fell asleep by accident, I was on doing that semi-dreaming thing when you're still awake. dreaming of coiled and tangled red hair
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lmfao replied to Charlotte's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@Charlotte I suppose what makes this tricky is that knowing or noticing that you're aware gets accompanied by the thought "I'm aware" -
@marinaaniram Good question tbh. Everyone will feed you the same story of absolute vs relative, whether that actually means anything or makes a difference to your understanding is another thing. People might give you "true answers" on this forum, but even if they are (which I would ask people to even ask what that means in light of what I'm about to say) , it will literally make 0 difference in many cases. Hence the quotation marks.
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The only thing more cringe than cringe is to find everything cringe. "The only thing to cringe at is cringe itself" - Frank Roosevelt
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Right now, is it possible that I am repressing and lying !? I think I feel disconnected and emotionless. I'm denying and repressing myself as a part of this mental state. A natural byproduct of inquiry? Maybe. Maybe I haven't expressed the ego enough in ways such as saying "maybe" like. did above! Because I have impulses to excessively use question marks, repress my natural thoughts for the sake of "finding truth" Yes, so this is a trap of mine !!!? Unwillingness to feel emotion? It's not the questioning and doubting that's incorrect, but the repression. ---- But how on earth on what on earth does this all mean? I was in my zone and flow with inquiry but as a part of it I repress myself? So weird. I reckon the repressing comes from forcing which comes from anxiety. Perhaps this emotional cutting off for inquiry is simply just a program of mine. Such a weird program I have. I must counterstrike and actively remember to do the opposite. What I uncovered and unweaved of my psychology from the program is indeed very valuable still, but this program isn't the way to go. This links back to what I said earlier about beliefs and habits I have about communication and words (whether directed to myself or others, but above I said it was only to others). There's this unhealthy way of being uncertain. Like a traumatised OCD PTSD war veteran who has to quadruple check that he locked all his doors and windows before he can sleep and be at peace. It's a false peace. PARANOIA IS NOT CURIOSITY AND INQUIRY. THIS IS CLEAR. I'M PARANOID!! BUT OF WHAT? WHY IS THIS MY PROGRAM? MY BELIEFS TOWARDS WORDS AND SPEECH IS A PART OF IT. REPRESSED EMOTION BECOMES MOOD SWINGS AND "BIPOLAR FITS". GO WITH THE FLOW OF THE BIPOLAR, DON'T FEAR. FLOODGATES OF LIBIDO/(LIFE FORCE) CLOSED FOR TOO LONG IS DEPRESSION. THE 1'S AND 0'S WILL TAKE OVER EVERYTHING, GONE WILL BE ALL COLOUR AND I MUST FIGHT THAT. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM MUJY , GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND SIT DOWN NIGGA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -- Tbc
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Sat 19/12/2020, +1 08:07 The mood swings and negative volitility which take the form of thoughts of intense self hatred. When that happens there is the 'response?' of wanting to tough it out, persevere and push through and 'force?'. Some strand here has led to depression and burn out of sorts? But I do not understand this. In this current paragraph I was about to write in the form "the most important thing I learned today was ______", but that would have contradicted the thing I supposedly learnt. I saw that I cannot try to surrender to try to be relinquish egotism. I say that in literal in simple terms of what I've just thought about or looked it, those words not being expression of some image i consistently hold as some orientation principle. ('Consistently', and other words, have a future tense to them. But the interesting thing about them is that they describe activities and things you're doing now. ) Had an image of a screaming attack titan for the accumulated frustration of being trapped in a cage that is my negative feelings. There is the route of holding onto the image, rather than just having it be there as 1 element which can appear or dissappear. -- There is a way in which each word of chattering creates the space for and like a magnet draws in more chatter ad infinitum. The other issue (insert "in my mind" in this space) about words is relevant to my beliefs about what it means to describe something for someone else { the phrase "in my mind" in the above sentence was something being added due to those beliefs, ie I wouldn't have written it if I'm the only one who's seeing what I write. "in my mind" being added due to communicating to other people that there can be other issues, but these are just the ones in my mind. It's rather semantic and unimportant perhaps, but for some reason I have this kind of habit just ingrained}. The belief or habit being that the terse words which are with me when I'm in flow don't communicate my 'mental space' with sufficient context.
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@Gesundheit Lol my bad homie. I guessed you were young because sometime ago I somehow got the impression you were quite edgy (which I am)
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Don’t trust https://www.16personalities.com if that’s where you took your tests. I’m guessing you took the test there since there’s turbulent/assertiveness axis to your result. If you didn't take it on that site, then probs another site which uses a very similar process. Lots of people get bad results on that site. That site gives me INFP. 16p.com is an attempt to fuse Big Five Personality Traits and MBTI, but it’s marketed as just being MBTI. Other sites and people do this too. (T/A axis is copying and pasting neuroticism into mbti, to make it 5 letters for the 5 scales in Big Five Traits). Big Five is not MBTI, and MBTI is not Big Five. You can find strong correlations sometimes, but they are not equivalent. -- Back to the question about personality changing. Your age will be an important factor here. You’re a young guy. Maybe you’re 17 or 18, I don’t know. But during these years, a lot can change, or things will take form that you didn’t know you had in you. I’m 20 and am a different person to who I was when I was 16 or 17, a lot can change in these years. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ All cleared up, now about understanding mbti. My favourite channel has been this one https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmDcT_Pujk8vOcxk_IcnxtQ . He's a bit abstract and might throw you into the deep-end. He's not complicated, just might feel weird to follow, but his channel was more insightful than everyone else I've seen. He has individual videos comparing every introverted function with it's extroverted counterpart in depth. He has videos explaining function axes as well. He has a video talking about how the Ti-Fe and Ne-Si axes are both "democratic , universal, fair-minded" in contrast to Te-Fi and Ni-Se axes both being "monarchical, contextual and goal orientated". A while back I compiled this playlist of videos I thought good for anyone to watch who wants to watch MBTI. As long as you have some basic knowledge and won't be completely confused. You can watch the videos in whatever order you want. Some of these will be extremely illuminating for learning the theory quickly, especially the ones where he compared every function with it's introverted/extroverted counterpart. --- Back when I was into MBTI more, the test I saw lots of people taking and getting good results with was this one http://jung.test.typologycentral.com (I know of one bias in it away from a particular cognitive function, I won't say what it is) . This site also has a good test https://sakinorva.net/functions (aware of a bias towards a particular cognitive function). So here's a starting step you might do, putting everything else I said to one side for now. Whatever type(s) you think you are or suspect you are (whether you already have some guesses, or use the results from the test I linked above), select the appropriate video(s) to watch made by that same YouTube channel from this playlist in his series called "The Types Revisited" . See if what he's saying clicks or resonates. You're not ISFJ.
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After intensely working out for a year to get pecks, I'll yell on camera about enlightenment and everyone will worship me as the next Frank Yang or Connor Murphy. Jokes aside, that sounds like the way for dpdr
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@electroBeam What you said sounds about spot on.
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Thanks for the advice so far peeps. (Funnily enough , for today at least, my brain fog and depersonalisation was shot out of existence when I accidentally performed therapy on myself and have adrenaline coursing through my body as I open myself up to uncomfortable emotional truth) If I ever do end up using, I don't plan on using psychedelics to enter borderline insanity zones of crazy spiritual insight ( but ofc I would have to be prepared and ready for whatever pops up in a trip), only using them for therapy and treatment of emotional/mental disorders and trauma resolution. @Leo Gura Interesting. Advice noted to not count on them as being magical cures to mental disorder. Have you ever used psychedelics to treat mental disorders? Just emotional healing and neurosis in general (which is obviously helpful to everyone) ? --- @Joel3102 Joel is very right that this is a formal disorder and isn't the same as enlightenment at all. And it needs to be treated as such. Now to just type my thoughts on the matter generally On the other hand, one should realise that there is nuanced existence to this thing called depersonalisation/derealisation. It isn't so cut and dry, and many people who experience a "dark night of the soul" are having these dpdr symptoms, but medicine/psychology has a hard time understanding this all "Dissociation" is to some extent like this abstract/general force in your psyche. Which is why it's important to think of it beyond just being a disorder (although obviously it's still be treated and addressed and not conflated with 'true enlightenment'. Being a result of anxiety and trauma). Meditators and people deeply into spiritual practices will encounter this force, in whatever way that happens.* I don't understand it how it works, but I know it's more complicated than the impression one gets of labelling it as just 'anxiety and trauma' as a disorder, it has links to spirituality and psychology generally. Perhaps we all dissociate to various degrees, have parts of our psyche that we hide, repress, disown/dissociate, and we would dissociate should we make those conscious and be unable to handle it *Dissociation seems almost inevitable as something someone spiritual will encounter, since you invest so much energy into dissolving your structures, perturbing the natural inertia and homeostasis. And there's of course that thing where you trying to get "distance" from your ego as all these teachers call it but you come across dissociation as well. This is really one of the most classic and fundamental paradoxes you'll have to navigate in trying to "transcend" your ego. -- Most important takeaway, I wont become a weed smoking hippie
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Thursday 17/12/2020. +1 06:52 I feel super fucking uncomfortable lol, but its discomfort from me being super honest with myself and dropping my defensiveness and pride and ego. It feels reaaaalllyyyyyyyyy weird and uncomfortable. I'm slightly gritting my teeth with discomfort as I be truly open and honest with myself. This is the best type of discomfort but ahhhhhhh fuck this hard. Dropping the pride and bravado, so fucking hard ahhhhhhh. It fucking hurts lmao, but it's a good type of pain. I am literally clenching my teeth... 'try' to ease it... I can't emphasise enough just how much I really really really hate and have a habit of avoiding being vulnerable. I've always done this. Despite always thinking the contrary, it is now abundantly clear and has to be admitted that I am the biggest liar and most stubborn mule of them all. NO ONE HAS A BIGGER EGO THAN ME, AND THIS IS THE MOST EGOIC PROCLAMATION OF THEM ALL. All my life I've been so extremely averse to opening and anything remotely resembling genuine connection. I feel realllyyyyy uncomfortable, am high on adrenaline and focused. A big contrast to my earlier brain fog and scattered-ness Jesus, this is intense. The weirdest mixture of pain and pleasure, an ecstasy of both. My heart feels like a pebble of stone which is experiencing waves of water hitting it. Even speaking in such cheesy metaphors makes me feel so uncomfortable. teeth clench A devil thrashing after being submerged in holy water, semi-voluntarily -- To all the cunts I've known, I have no space to blame you for being a combative cu** who can't drop their pride. I'm exactly, exactly the same. Most importantly, I shan't run away from this like I have before, I see what needs to be done actionably in my life, as it makes me. I feel like a tsundere who's LITERALLY dying inside having to open up
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An open thread and invitation to those who claim to know or want to share. In recent times I've found meat more gross as a gut/disgust reaction. Meat can be gamey, boney, fatty and weird. I like meat when it's a nice grilled fillet which is boneless and well prepared. What I'm saying sounds like it might just be fussiness and disgust sensitivity, rather than anything which is inherently meaningful. I've found eating meat to 'cause' my energy levels, and mind, to become more static and flat. It doesn't feel so fresh and nimble in my body, is my perception. I don't know whether I'm making all this shit up due to Sadhguru planting his seed in my unconscious. -- Is this question about meat a purely physical/chemistry matter, where different people have different interactions with things? Do you believe that meat contains emotions of fear and hatred from the animal and that is important for health? Does the ethics effect the health? To what extent are they separate or distinct matters? -- I absolutely did not make this thread due to me being stuck on what I should eat for dinner today.
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Yeah, well right now I'm definitely not considering it. I'm having enough issue not losing my mind from altered states from meditation. I sense that psychedelics aren't my path, at least not now.
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lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I'm literally holding and munching on a cucumber as I read this, dont worry. I am just osmosis-ing in what everyone is saying. Overall, I can do nothing but just try out things or develop a good intuition and watching myself. I don't think the disgust towards meat, which is a branch of being disgusted by the image of "rotting flesh", is completely coincidental. -
lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@Space interesting Hmmmm right. -
Wed 12/16/2020 22:38 I am deeply, deeply unsatisfied with life. I'm not as neurotic about it, my mind feels relatively stable and calm strangely. But the depth to this sense is all-encompassing and existential. Feel good, feel bad, high, low, what's the point of that? " The meaning is to be happy " ? " I'll exist and then I'll die". The human condition feels shitty. I'll exist and then I'll die. I'll exist and then I'll die. "Who will die?" is the question I suppose -- Screw the people who challenge this nihilism with naivety and denial -- Have I created a circular loop here? I get this sense that perhaps I have, upon trying to investigate. I have to open to the fact I won't get an answer. But I guess I really am trying to look at what triggers it and..... Mind is going blank, just this entanglement of things There's something but it's so slippery ______________________________ Recently I was quite ecstatic and joyous ( not right now though) , I feel the return of myself after stopping SSRI's. A literal 6th or 7th sense to my perception and consciousness has returned more now. 23:00 I feel so incredibly tempted to drown out my awareness. My mind was calm but it's a slow crescendo of chaos. I'll go meditate, even though my mind is quite literally scared that such a thing would be suicide, but that's fear mongering. +1 ,00:32 I feel amazingly manic, overflowing with energy. I meditated, with no method, but with my entire being , all my heart and soul, I was intent on breaking through. Unexpected shifts happened as lots of energy and things just bubbling up, in a good and neutral way. The intense focus and drive to breakthrough, that's probably "masculine". And I feel overflowing with it. But near the end of the session, I noticed that I was tensed too much, and needed to relax this manic alpha-male drive. The image which came to my mind of this over tensing was a meshed grid made out of dirt. All that focusing and intensity, it now feels painful and draining. Yet, "surrendering" it also feels painful. There's this constant back and forth, oscillating, between ('two', as the categories are drawn) different approaches. My intense focus and drive was necessary. But now I have to surrender it, otherwise I shall burn out from all that forcing. But surrendering this, it feels so very difficult, because my energy is so overwhelmingly large. "ego inflation" perhaps. A much needed inflation. -- My underlying questions that I poured my entire being to meditate on, why I suffer, what's the meaning of life, they weren't answered. And I haven't forgot that. Mania and energy is cool but I'm not satisfied by theatrics. I will keep waging war, I will keep pouring my entire being, because there is literally nothing else. This is the one and only thing I care about, all else can burn to the ground. "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists."
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Wed 12/16/2020 05:48 So the funeral got cancelled, for reasons I won't reveal so as to not make my already doxxable status any riskier. It will happen early next year inshallah. After pulling an all nighter yesterday to finish some university coursework, I've been quite foggy with unpredictable bursts of sleep and waking. And I have just woken up now after a few hours. In order to prepare for the funeral, I was yet to have practiced speaking my eulogy. My body recognised this, and unpredictably planned my sleep in such a way after pulling an all nighter that I would have woken up now with plenty time to prepare. I've had this phenomena occur many times before, where when my mind and body know that there's some event or thing I need to wake up for ensures my body doesn't oversleep or don't end up as sleep deprived. despite how my normal sleeping works. Strangely enough, I remember Alan Watts describing this phenomena, when he said something along the lines of "You can tell your body what time you need to wake up, and it will just do it for you", no alarm required. -- My SSRI dosage will now become 0. It effectively has been for the past 2 weeks, but now I'm enshrining this formally and will not be microdosing. It's been tough but I don't regret. The drug definitely gave me an edge on energy, and so this is a radical imperative to heal now. I've been finding it very difficult to do anything spiritual as of recent weeks. -- There's a lot on my plate. I failed to act from my own ramblings from 10/12. My dilemma of being addicted to technology, extremely low energy and motivation. And of course my diet leaves room for improvement. Must I bite the bullet of discipline? I'm quite a pussy lol. And other times in the past, attempts at discipline have been done unhealthily and cause me to burn out or be miserable. Perhaps I was trying to force or suffer for things which weren't worth it. And I need to find something for which it is worth. Something worth being nailed onto the cross for. Give me strength, oh lord. "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists."
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I've met people who were really good at predicting how various complex and uncertain situations would turn out. My friend kinda freaked me out that way. This isn't something which can be forced though, and I'm not sure making the goal "predict the future" is the right mindset, even if getting better at predicting the future may be a byproduct of you developing observation and awareness. The problem would be that you get attached or occupy yourself with predicting the future. The better thing is to just react as things occur. Don't get attached to or aim for it, imo. -- Yeah, dreaming of things before they happen is a phenomena. I know people who have had this happen to them. E. G. Dreaming of a car crash the night before their son getting in a car accident I've had it as well in a way, where the very first time I dreamed of a person, I woke up to find that they sent me a message after not replying for weeks.
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lmfao replied to Farnaby's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
It is indeed a tightrope to walk. Suppression vs letting go. Bear in mind your worry might be a trick your ego is playing to stop itself from being dissolved. So be very careful of that. Your ego probably feels guilt or shame about not suffering enough. It's the guilt a self actualizer feels about becoming less attached to the toxic patterns of the people around them. I'm not you so I can't judge what's the case. -- This using of spirituality could be a problem for someone if they use it to deny their own needs. Maybe they transcend it all together, but sometimes the attempt to transcend is done dishonestly. The dishonesty being lying how you feel or denying how you feel. -
lmfao replied to James123's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@James123 when did you become nothing? -
Wow lots of fellow brits here @Space Close to Nottingham eh? For your own sake don't come too close, "if you meet the buddha on the road kill him"
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@Emanuel Lasker I haven't got strong willpower or strong ego. The problem I've had in creating a 'strong ego' is that my ego ends up running on low consciousness fuel for action. By low consciousness I mean fear and pride. Maybe I haven't discovered healthy ego.
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lmfao replied to PurpleTree's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
@PurpleTree probs all bullshit Purely regurgitating memory if it serves anyone. David Hawkins claims that an 'error' made at higher levels of consciousness will be destructive than errors made at lower levels of consciousness -
lmfao replied to James123's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Good thread James. I have often felt Leo's teachings give me the impression of trying to accumulate a bunch of spiritual goodies