Charlotte

❤️♥️

It's been a fucking odd week. Anxiety'sville all week. Not felt this for sooooo long. I could tell a lot of it was hormone related though. Other parts of it definitely wasn't. I've just got into a new relationship. Completely fucking different this time. He's 'aware' if you want to put it like that. Hate labels though. So yeah obviously very new this relationship but I've learnt so much already (about myself) already it's hard to believe. As I'm at this level of awareness in this relationship, it has already mirrored such deep shit within me that I thought had gone. Its literally brought all these behaviours up that I even I was shocked at. So I've been working on these behaviours bit by bit. Any time I felt triggered I knew there was something that needed working on and believe me... I've felt triggered an awful fucking lot. This relationship has already provided me with such depth into my own unconscious shit already. I'm so grateful. So friday, I'm with him and I can just feel this baseline of fear humming away in the background within. This has been so prevalent in the past week but Friday it was so huge it was causing physical symptoms. It was becoming out of control. I was observing thought and how it was being created to create this mess. Friday night I went to sleep next to him thinking about insecure shit. Through the night I had a nightmare about rejection from him. I woke up Saturday morning and this nightmare had left an awful taste in my mouth so to speak. I got up in the same state as I'd gone to bed. I lay there knowing this needed addressed. What was it? Why was it? I'm very good at introspection and facing up to my own behaviours and manipulations so I was ready for it. I lay there and grounded myself into a meditative state. (He was asleep beside me). I was searching for answers as to why this was happening, how I was causing this, looking for the deep thoughts and beliefs around this. I noticed the way the mind even tried to blame him for how I was feeling. There was thoughts of running away, of excuses, all the usual shit. I knew I was creating this so all that was bullshit. I continued contemplation for some time. Then I realised something. As I was observing contemplation I noticed the tone of the internal dialogue around the insecurities (these insecurities have been present for maaaaaaaany years from very early childhood) and how it talks about anything related to insecurities. The way the mind has been demonising this insecure part, heavily for fucking years. This was a huge insight for me because I then realised I had been resisting and creating even gteater suffering by rejecting this aspect of the shadow. I visually then grabbed the young, scared, extremely insecure, fearful side of 'myself' by the hand and walked her into this blindingly, glowing, yellow beam of love, I felt the love throughout my chest so I applied it to this side of myself visually. I let her know it was all okay and that she is deeply loved. I could actively feel the resistance to doing this. It was immensely tough. I did this over and over and as I did it I cried so fucking deeply, weeping so painfully but so freeingly at the same time. This was it. All those years of insecurities and the pain that had come with them where being healed in this exact moment. I could feel the release. He woke up and grabbed me so tightly. I told him vaguely through tears what was happening. I was hiding my vulnerabilities from him and I wasn't even aware of it until this very moment because in this very moment I was the most vulnerable I had ever been. After all that had happened I changed as a person. I felt free, even the relationship felt the changes, I felt I could completely be myself around him, I was no longer holding back, I didn't care anymore I was just flowing, my internal dialogue had even changed, my perspective of myself and of him had changed.. This, I feel is what mushrooms have done for me, slowly but extremely carefully brought me to a space of complete acceptance and love. Wow. ❤️

Love

Not allowed to discuss sourcing of psychedelics unfortunately bud. Refer to user guidelines. @New That question is completely relative to you. I cannot advise because of the safety aspects. In my experience, I did on my own for my first time though.

This is literally what I have been doing. Just observing the ebb and flow of change with acceptance (with work) of everything. It's tough to communicate what I mean. You're absolutely right. Definitely I'm starting to realise this. Yeah this morning has been fucking eye opening and healing with regards to self love. Will update journal later. ?

What is it about hitting your goal your so oriented on?

Hope your feeling okay after your session ❤️ I'm glad it came up for you. Is everything okay now? You managing okay? Love your advice Michael, spoken deeply to me. Thanks so much for the other advice, I honestly never omit the nutrition, it's a way of life. Oh I'll look into the bush flower. Thanks bud

? Your a bloody legend. Made me giggle. Your absolutely right, definitely a time to take a break. I realised this yesterday. Just gonna up the meditation and leave mushys alone. Yeah I'd say I've allowed for integration BUT there is no black and white answer is there with regards to integration. There's no instructions. Am I trying to prove anything to myself or chase something? In my opinion I'd say no. I just become more aware and conscious of my own delusions/ego so I'm able to work 'to the point' if that makes sense? Yeah my body is definitely communicating a strong message to me and I know what it is. Take a break, relax, ground yourself. Oh has it? You gonna act on it?

?

This is hugely hormone related. I'm literally observing the shift's hour by hour. One minute I'm knackered next minute I'm productive and happy af , next half hour I'm insecure as shit. ?

Crying after orgasm? Not just crying but like you can really feel this deep sadness in your being.

This can be applied to anything.

Many many but the ones that stand out to me most is: what would of taken me years to 'see' took me months, truth is revealed.

@Harikrishnan have heard a difference of opinion from many people. Some people say absolutely no difference. Some people say fresh is more potent. Although I think fresh would be harsher on the stomach so nausea would be a more prevalent factor. Up to you though. Try both out.

I wouldn't recommend two trips in the same month. But ultimately it's up to you.

No I'm not. I mean but what is modification and fucking with the brain anyway? I can never be sure until one day I might find myself on a mental health ward but if that is the way shit goes then that's the way shit goes. I don't perceive mental health issues like I used to shin. There isn't an 'issue' there. In comparison to what exactly? I do feel my time with mushrooms is coming to end, I don't know why. Leo does outline risks but at the end of the day it's our responsibility to do our research and our responsibility ultimately.

There is learning somewhere for me and I'm not sure what it is. It keeps coming up and going then coming. It comes in small wave's, there's a message hidden within. I'm ready to see it..I want to learn. I've also been constantly thinking about DMT all the time for some reason. I've tried actively letting it go but it keeps coming back round, feels right to pursue it. Not gonna think too much into it just gonna do it. Maybe the message is in there. fuck ? ?

My head's fucking mashed at the minute. I'm paranoid as fuck in my own head. I don't know what's real anymore. I'm unbelievably aware of self delusion that I don't know if I'm self deluding anymore. I'm paranoid I'm microdosing too much. What if this is the psychedelics fucking with my head? I've got to a dose now where it's literally just below threshold. This is how people go mad innit? or is it? It could just be more thought. I'm doing my own head in. All day yesterday people were giving me this vibe I was giving this vibe and I was so aware of myself I was like am I? But that could just be more thought ? I'm so busy at the moment. Gym 5 night's a week for rehabilitation with my injury (it got crazy out of control) and loads of other shit. Hold on... I've just realised something... This could be because I'm due on my period... I know what thought gets like at that time. Erratic. I need to ground myself rapid. I can feel fear again. Fuck it then... Come at me fear. Met fear too many times to know the game.

Yaaaaaaaaay I'm back ? Gonna update the shit outta this later after the gym. Can't wait to journal the thoughts. Need to get it all out onto here as I've not been physically journaling either. ♥️

??

Phone is broken and I can't access. (No laptop) ?

@Natasha I know I'm only joking sweet

No amount of observation will ever show you if he smells downstairs or not ?

So does he

Meaning is relative. We cannot answer for you.