Viking

I wanted to start therapy for a long time, but what do i tell them exactly? i cant pinpoint whats wrong.

@Yousef im sorry if im frustrating, thank you for your help, i didnt intend to be annoying. I dont see though how im contradicting myself. I am meditating daily, but i dont see how that would help being lost in thought in nature. meditation is very tough for me and not working very well, at least to silence the mind. its just that ive tried out your advice before and it doesnt work for me. I dont see how im contradicting myself. I said that I believe the voice in my head, and I said that im aware of it.

after a long time believing in enlightenment i stopped believing it and started inquiring into my direct experience. i have a feeling you believe in enlightenment.

@Yousef I meditate daily, I tried g ratitude practice, it became boring and i started to hate it, because its so hard to come up with more things to be greatful for, it ruined my morning. I had vacations, this state is not new. when im in nature im lost in thought. i actually feel exhausted and anxious that i said something wrong. thats actually good advice, thanks, ill try to be even more mindful of my mind when im facing fears, maybe ill see that the mind is truly lying to me and ill stop believing in it what do you mean? awareness is always here, i am aware of the voice in my head, theres no such thing as awareness, there are only things to be aware of. its like saying "suddenly you will see the difference between feeling and the sensation in your hand" you can only feel the sensation, you cant be aware of the process of the act of feeling.

i am already trying to talk to people more, it scares the shit out of me and im always having this body rush of embarrassment, heat, especially in the face, i guess its called blushing, very unpleasant. i have no idea, i have this intuitive sense that there's something wrong with me. like im living wrong, not doing everything as i should. people often say that im weird, and i also feel that im weird. i cant point to it, i just know its there. ive no idea what to do about it. @ajasatya i cant allow myself to do it, because i identify with these thoughts and believe firmly they are mine and they have their place and i shouldnt ignore them. @Etherial Cat of course i can stop my thinking for a few seconds, but where does it lead me?

when i try to do what he says, fear arises (not the feeling, the worry), because i believe there is something wrong with me and i need to figure out what is wrong and fix it, so i have to continue thinking.

I read his book "the power of now" and a few youtube videos, i didnt get much out of it. i dont understand him. i dont have a girlfriend, i have some acquaintances but no close friends. im a student, but studying is hard and frustrating often. i have a family who cares about me but im rarely with them and i dont like being with them very much, I do love them though. i dont have close friends because i cant resonate with any of my acquaintances enough to do things outside study. getting a girlfriend is almost impossible because the only public places im at are the library to study and lectures, but in the lectures there are around 5% girls and in the library everyone is busy studying so i cant talk much. but i dont want to rely on those external things to keep me going, i want to be able to live well by my own. i dont want to depend on others.

@Etherial Cat i feel like youre right about the apathy and the negative thinking. i dont know about the posotive thinking, because my mind starts to be very cynical. i am meditating daily, but the problem is that i identify with and give much value to my thoughts, so i cant just silence the mind, i believe there is value. of course i dont know what im talking about, if that would actually happen i would be freaking out probably. but thats the way i feel. i am definitely going through the motions, but with mindfulness ive managed to be ok with it, i dont suffer as much as i used to. the only think i can think of as a challenge is talking to strangers. for now when i try to do it im getting stuck in my mind, i start asking myself do i really want to now, what if he/she will need to go in a few seconds? and i freeze and cant start talking. im believing my mind very much.

I contemplated death quite a bit, i dont particularly care. if id known id die in a few months id be a little relieved actually.

weird question, i dont know what else is there

i dont know how and i dont have a lot of free time. yeah i realized the limitations of the forum some time ago

could be. those feelings arise and disappear like a pendulum. or theyre always there and im noticing them in a periodic manner. im sorry if i spam here. its just that i havent been able to solve it and i think its something with my subconscious, the way im programmed. you may be right, i did feel huge motivation to do things after my 10 day vipassana retreat where i did nothing, but it fades away. i think its something deeper

thats what I thought too, what happens though is that my mind starts to go nuts and restless, though i dont want to do anything in particular after i meditate, its just that i suffer when doing nothing.

that energetic right or wrong you're talking about is caused by the unconscious. based on your past experiences and your learning and drawing conclusions you build up your unconscious as you age. when something comes into perception, it gets interpreted by the unconscious and delivers you energetic right or wrong. its like intuition, or conscience, which grows with the person.

i just discovered in an epiphany that i probably have mild-moderate OCD. thats why im always anxious, why i couldnt do the vipassana retreat well, and more things i guess. did any of you read extensively about it? how should i go about it? is this something that means that i should never take psychedelics? i remember i had a lot of anxiety regarding to my sanity after trips.

im looking at elon musk and at the crazy hours he puts into his work and im thinking is this the life of someone who actually makes change in the world. i think in order to truly make a real contribution to the world one has to work super hard and super a lot. to the point where there is no time for family, friends, relationships etc. I think this is managable for someone who is enlightened, since he doesnt need all that petty relationship and friends stuff. so in order to make great change and at the same time stay mentally healthy one has to be enlightened? what do you think? is my thinking too naive?

ummmmm my experience might be irrelevant but I tried both and both didnt give much insight. you need I think to be ready for those practices to truly get something out of them. now talking from a place of belief, not experience, I would say that self inquiry might be more tricky than vipassana, its very hard to do properly. while in vipassana you have a higher chance of getting some mystical experience which might help you somehow. now, I think neither self inquiry nor vipassana will liberate most people in this age. both are pretty bad. I think yoga, journaling, psychedelics, psychoanalysis, contemplation and reading books are much more effective long term and for liberation.

if this happens to you, youre way too immature for that kind of personal development. get into it slowly, stop watching videos like that for now, it will pass. in the meantime you can question your belief about free will. do you really not have free will or you just believe it? just believing leo doesnt work because you may misunderstand him, dont forget. are you 100% sure you dont have free will? or is it your mind playing tricks on you?

specifically with self help you need to apply the knowledge

doesnt seem like youre enlightened, just confused. if it doesnt pass go see a therapist

i feel like Leo's video about love was way too advanced for me and i still dont understand whats love, the implications of it, its importance and how to cultivate it. does compassion lead to love? i can be compassionate if i try to, i can even often get myself to tears. but love i just dont get. i feel sometimes with people that i could love them but i feel like for it to realize i have to express it, and often i think people will be weirded by that so im afraid of expressing it. also what role does love play in life practically? is it that ill always feel love or that ill feel love every time i see a person? or is it that ill feel love whenever a choose to? or is it a subconscious thing? i doubt i ever felt love, for now i think the feeling of compassion is love. never had a partner, my parents very rarely expressed their love to me when i was young or ever and all of my friendships are very shallow. im sorry my topics are so messy, my brain is fucked lately.

so now love=intuition? what? what?

Then I have probably never felt that, makes me kind of sad, will I be ever able to feel it? I did like things in my life obviously but not very intensely as to call it "love". Maybe in my childhood towards things like cartoons but never people. now everything is so dry and I dont know why. I guess in most normal people's cases the only love they feel is with family or intimate partners, maybe some hobbies. I dont love my family, I dont have any hobbies I love and I dont have an intimate partner, so I dont have the "easily accessible" love even. how do i start loving?

as i see it with my very limited perspective life purpose is a way to fet money, to survive. maybe some enjoyment could be had helping people, contributing, doing some creative stuff, but can it compare to love, relationships? the meaning in most people's lives are relationships, friends, family, life partner. even if people build very meaningful life purposes i dont think it could be compared with love. maybe at some point it converges but thats some airy fairy 1000 lifetimes from now kind of thing. people that choose life purpose over "personal life" which means friends and family are usually miserable people. my whole life up until now ive been thinking that what i achieve in the world matters most but im starting to realize its nothing compared to love, i dont need to be elon musk if i have love. i get that the best way is to go middle ground and have relationships and life purpose but sometimes people need to choose all out life purpose in order to do something really big. im trying o guess to asses just how valuable exactly life purpose is in comparison with other things in life. i dont really know what the point of this thread is, i just want more opinions on this topic

say im doing the practices, trying my best not to fuck shit up. does the growth come "automatically" with time as im experiencing more of the world, or does it come by conscious effort, by "trying" to become better? for me, stuff like contemplation comes on automatically when something to contemplate comes to mind. stuff just pops into my mind, I grow. I dont try to come up with stuff to contemplate