abgespaced

She must see something really good in you to want to be with you in spite of all her complaining, so high five for that! And although I don't encourage anyone to smoke, I admire your resolve to continue doing what you love in the face of so much criticism. If you really are resolved to smoking for the rest of your life then I think you'll have to find another girl to be honest. She's probably never going to accept your smoking and will complain about it until the day you die, so you'd have to either live with that or change your habits.

Continue what you're doing. 10 days is nothing. See how you feel after a month or two. You will never get 100% in or out of a relationship. 100% in, you become that person and they become you. 100% out and you don't have a relationship. You need a partial overlap of each other's world, that changes as you go about your life. Sometimes you come closer together, some times you move apart. But never get stuck in overlap (codependence) and never get stuck apart (independence). Interdependence is the goal.

Age is a non-issue. It's biological / psychological (spiritual) / social fit that sets the limits.

The progression of this thread is hilarious. A few honest answers about physical attractiveness being of prime importance. The rest sounding like virtue and political correctness, skipping over the physical. Then ending with praise for a physically fit and relatively attractive woman in a swimsuit! This is so much fun. I love you all!

Sure they could, but by making this statement you're acknowledging the fact that they have to work against their biology to start with.

@Vercingetorix You're right, a completely unconditioned mind is a dead mind, or soon to be one. Biology can only be ignored for so long. Can a dead person meditate?

Great question! Hard to answer though. Before I do I will provide the caveat that no single quality or attribute can definitively categorise a man as a man, or as powerful. Rather, it is the collection of such that provides the complete image that allows an instinctive judgement to be made. But I will try my best to elaborate. A man knows what he wants from life and can steadfastly hold to that through thick and thin until he deliberately changes his mind. He will pursue that thing and let nobody stand in his way, which gives him tremendous personal power that is perceived by other men, commanding respect as a result. He is assertive. Respect is also a good indicator. A man who doesn’t respect himself cannot be respected by others- his ideas, desires, input, boundaries, resources, rules etc. are all insecure when he cannot enforce his will on them. He will let others, men and women, make decisions for him regarding the things he should have agency over. Good with women and has high sexual energy. This doesn’t mean he’s a pickup artist or walks around in a sweat all day. It means he brings energy to a room. He get people’s attention in a non-needy way. We feel comfortable around a guy like this and feel like there’s something to be learned from him. His energy comes from a grounded place that is in touch with his biology and genetic makeup as a man. He is a complete person in touch with his sexuality. Doesn’t whinge, whine or complain, doesn’t gossip or put others down to make himself better, but can give shit to others in a fun way that is endearing to both parties and at the same time subtly establishes himself as the more dominant one in the relationship. Never affected by what others think of him or say to him. Non-reactive with an air of joviality. The majority of Gen X, Y and Millennials are not like this. It is a sad reality and I fear it’s only getting worse. Society, pop culture, the media, hardcore feminists, academia and even men themselves continue to dishonour and discredit masculinity. They are taught that masculinity is all in the mind, nurture not nature, that men are inherently violent and sex obsessed. So from a young age the desire to grow out of boy thinking and into a man is psychologically beaten out of them. They avoid being assertive for fear of offending, they expect good things to come their way without putting in the hard work, they cut themselves off sexually, they whinge, whine and complain and act like little boys, they are listless and apathetic to the world around them, their motivations around money vs contribution are all skewed, i could go on and on… I don’t think much is going to change until as a collective species we recognise the innate differences between men and women, that masculinity and femininity are biological and psychologically hard wired, and that men and women are complimentary to one another, not competitors. We need to return to that understanding that our ancestors so naturally perceived and start celebrating our differences. The young men of today need to be honoured for their manhood and supported in their journey towards full expression of it.

Mosquitoes

@Lobo Your experience is a good description of the operation of a boundary. Imagine your boundary as a circle encompassing you psyche. It denotes where you end and the environment/others begin. It delineates what you control from what you don't control. It is the point at which you are able to say "no" and hear "no". It contains your resources. Basically it the psychological territory of you. You are being needy because you feel like something is missing from within that boundary. Whatever that is, whether it's enough love, enough attention, enough happiness etc, there is not enough of that thing for you. So you look to others to fill the hole. But your lack of this thing means you can't give it, only take it. And people feel this. They feel like you're syphoning something off them. Like a vampire. When you say "no" to yourself and to taking from others, when you say "no" to needing other people's energy to fill you up, you close the door at your boundary to that desire, cutting off the flow of energy from other people. This is a healthy thing to do, and people notice this. They feel better around you and less like something's being taken from them. But with that door closed, their love can't fill you up in the same way that it used to. It can't get through that door unless you open it, which begins the cycle all over again. You need to find a way to appreciate their love and attention while keeping that door closed. That is, you need to find a new way to give and receive, and a new way to fill yourself up with enough love, energy, happiness etc.

1. Meditate 2. Find a better guy

It's the walking that's the hard bit, especially after long sits

@Wilm You sound perfectly normal to me. In fact, you remind me of Marcus Aurelius. He writes about the nobility of living a dispassionate life. A life free from passion. Bear in mind, he used this word in a specific context. He used it in the same way Buddhists use the word Taṇhā, referring to clinging, craving and aversion. Obviously these are not healthy passions as they are outcome dependent, object oriented and extrinsically motivated. No, if your life purpose is to include a passion component then it must be passion in the sense of vitality, of feeling vital; alive. Think Passion of the Christ. Or crimes of passion. This passion is about life and death. Not some desire or wish or "that would be nice"; something that if you couldn't do anymore you may as well be dead. To me it seems like you are already living the second kind of passionate life, so congratulations for that. And congratulations on avoiding the first kind of passion. Perhaps moving forward you'll find the answers you seek in the second kind of passion. Which might mean instead of asking yourself what thing you'd like your life to be about, ask yourself how you could do more of what you are already doing, that which has been vital for you up to this point?

Unfortunately this is just the result of inexperience. What these men are trying to do, though haven't yet developed, is artful, flirtatious teasing. They recognise the attraction created between a man and a woman when the man is able to display an air of outcome independence, of non-neediness, of being the one to be won over by your feminine charm. Teasing is one way to achieve that. Where they fall down is in treating every woman they meet in the same way without sensitivity to each woman's needs, level of confidence and experience.

@Shin Hahaha soz bro probs for da best. can give u sum pointers. don take it to hart.

@Key Elements Are you saying there's nothing scientific about relationships?

@MochaSlap Ever had a song stuck in your head? It probably affected you one way or another. Like a mantra or affirmation. What could you achieve if you could put affirmations in people's heads?

Perhaps I should have included this link with my answer: http://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1007&context=nebanthro

As long as I want. 3 hours is my max so far.

@Sevi I linked that article not because I felt attacked but because the conversation was being steered towards me and my experience. Magic is the one seeking help here.

Facial attractiveness is a great indicator of genetic fitness.

@Key Elements

@blueTeacup Are you male or female?

It's an outlet. It is also very, very helpful in balancing the hormones in one's body, getting one present minded and making connection with another, all in one go. Very difficult to find that in some other activity.

Why?

@username It's the foundation of a complete person, regardless of that person engaging in the act of sex. All energy is sexual, so their sexuality will be expressed one way or another. The best life makes use of that energy for constructive ends.