h inandout

Thanks for the question!

I am in an "Inner Tracking" course right now. We mostly work with guided meditations that the teacher has worked with to release emotion that has been stored very deeply in our emotional system. Tonight we did some work with the inner child, and things have a tendency to come up that you completely forgot about when you open yourself up to allowing someone to guide you through this work. A memory of a time when I was 8 and I felt deep sorrowful compassion came up for me tonight. I came back as an adult and told that little girl that she doesn't have to be stuck there anymore. I realized that literally noone else could do this for me but me, and I felt so much release from doing this work that I was sobbing. I realized that if I do choose to have compassion, really, it is helping me nuture that place within myself that really needs to know that there is compassion out there in the world for me and for everyone. This is so rewarding. I also have learned to lovingly give people back their burdens for then to take and do as they need. It would be selfish and unsustainable for me to take on their suffering as my own, and thus amplify it, rather than assisting their release. I feel so connected and that to keep doing and cultivating the Work within myself is one of the mpst important things I can pffer the world.

I am wondering about other people's perspective on the things that get stirred up when meditating. Meditating too much actually brings me a great deal of heart pain. I also notice that when I center my awareness of higher order spiritual concepts - like the timeless nature of the universe - that I have a vicerally fearful reaction. Intellectually, these concepts mostly give me peace because they helps me make sense of things... Where is the discrepancy?

Love your sibling even though they have not had an opportunity to come to their own personal realizations of the meta-nature of the universe. Allow your view to be known, and that is enough. If there is fertile soil, the seed will grow.

You are absolutely right about this being a tricky situation. No matter how much you beg for love and aproval and respect, your parents will never be able to satiate the deamon that has resulted from your self-hate filter. Yes that is tricky, and I know about that, and I want you to know that whhile your sense of dread is not misplaced, that there are ways to bypass those glass walls that keep you from becoming you most passionate loving self. By now you are aware that you thoughts shape your actions and your actions shape your universe. Stop reading for a second and breath that in. Say, "Mom, I forgive you for not being who I needed you to be. I now take responsibility for doing my own personal best as I move forward." No this mantra will not work overnight. So, remember that also, by now, you have felt what it's like to change your mind about something, and to be more allowing of another's perspective. Breathe that in. Let it sit with you for a moment when you need it, and then set it aside and work on something else.

@sjonesartist It is possible to be addicted to praise. I had was so successful and so praised academically that as soon as began to encounter the real world and my own individual need for self expression, all I could hear in my head was a gaping void of praise partly because I had surpassed my mom's awareness of what was praise worthy. Usually that void got filled with snippy side comments that I picked up from incomplete conversations. To this day, I find myself seeking out relationships with older people who will simply tell me they believe in me without having to beg them for it. I wish my mom would tell me directly that she believes in my ability to do the best I can for myself always. She doesn't appear to want to or understand why that's so important but she refuses to be my yes man. So really there is a big miscommunication/misunderstanding between what we are saying to each other. I hope my perspective is helpful?

I think you can find the tools to come out of your specific variety of neuroticism best on you own because nobody knows you better than you. Try to be more creative and brave and loving about the way you approach anxiety.

@Visitor that's beautiful! I would love to see what happens if you feel called to finish that painting, like maybe even just finish defining the lids, and put it out into the world to see who's attention it catches? Such striking symbology come out of attunement with subtler sub-concious energies... Thanks for the rhodiola tip. I am not sure how all these realizations amalgamated, but it was something about the seductive black slipery energy of the snake that brought me into a really subtle enchantment with death, which - don't ask me how - allowed for my intellectual awareness of the terror that has been my battle with self-esteem and mom issues to go to a mystically, emotionally experienced whole awareness so that it could actually be an obstacle of support to my purpose on this journey rather than being an annoyance that I know but don't get. This is my interpretation based on where my mind-body-spirit has taken me. Deja vu, whether in the 3rd dimension or in the dream space, to me means: pay attention! Your being is creating repetative experiences to inform you that it is time to integrate what has been learned in between and move into the next karmic cycle. That's cool you could have such vivid experiences. The reason I've been getting into this really is because I've been listening to Michael Meade's album on Fate and Destiny. Michael Meade's work is a lot like that of Joseph Campbell in using myth to inform our journey. His extensive body of work really suggests that when we are in touch with our big dreams we are being guided back to our deep self, and our truer sense of connection to oneness and conversely to our seperate purposes.

I write down a lot of relatively superficial dreams too. The point of the exercize is to allow those patterns of small malaises to emerge and cohear, and to also be in the habit of it for when you mind really is trying to tell you something big. Big dreams keep us from living petty lives. It also makes life more magical and mystical in a realistic way.

Sometimes we have to live with our choice even when we see the potential of another choice. Should I get pie or cake, or no maybe I should get a healthy snake instead, but that will affect the drink I choose! It's normal. It's okay either way, and while the indecision will make you uncomfortable, you will be happy once you are forced to have a path. Try to pick one you have a preference for, and be okay with the fact that you can only one you for now, and that later you will have opportunities to experience other wonderful things. You will also be allowed to learn both fun and hard lessons from the path you do choose. Try to imagine yourself in each scenario for a few minutes and listen to your own subconcious indications to which one makes you feel happier for the next few months (not more logical or even more long term).

Mix - Santogold - Creator: I imagine this was the song Athena sang when she hatched out of Zeus's head. Just listen.

Stop trying to solve your problems. They are going to keep unfolding for the course of your life because that is the work you were brought here to do, but there is no hurry to do it because you soul has a variety of needs that must be met first. I perscribe a membership to a climbing gym, immediately. Every time you feel compelled to buy a new video game console, say to yourself, "maybe I should do this in real life."

On a scientific level, the mushrooms had nothing to do with the disease carrying pathway. Diseases and viruses are all around us all the time. You may have simply been unlucky and come into contact with some particularly vicious little creatures somewhere, or quite simply your body was drained from the trip, and wasn't responding with as intense of immunilogical vigor as a homeostatic body would.

One potential interpretation is that the mushroom trip opened up your mind so much that is created cracks in your aura, allowing in outside parasites, and will easily go away as you begin to integrate what you learned and are learning into a whole understanding of yourself and the universe. We can always thank our pain for showing us new dimensions, and for the compassionate reflections of how we feel about the world around us. Try healing someone else, and see if it helps you feel more well. I am saying this to you, actually as a way of coping with my own dis-eases, which I naively thought achieving enlightenment would resolve, lol. I too eat incredibly healthy, get plenty of rest and exercise, and yet perhaps I am not yet fully in alignment. I will continue to listen to my heart and let it tell me where to go or to not go.

Okay, your parents kept some secret from you: Santa is an imaginary character, everything about sex, everything about money, all of their awkward moments that they suffered through at your age and don't know how to advise you about because even theu didn't figure it out, the fact that they had no clue what they were doing when they had you, the fact that they are still just improvising life, etc. If your parents are the first thing you know, their voice basically becomes God's voice, and you interpret the world based on the skillfulness with which they taught you to handle things. Do you hear "Hi!" as -oh no not social interaction- or do you hear it as -yay new friend!-? This porbably reflects your parents biases. So start paying attention every moment throughtout the day, and know that at every single moment you have the power to become aware of what makes you feel down (and is probably just a mechanical response from your upbringing), and what feels like love (something you can learn to do more skillfully and more curiously). We are not just going for meager comfort. We are going for what feels like Love. Love.

Maybe you have some hidden needs that are not being met through your introverted self, but would be way easier to meet through genuine friendly interaction with otber people. That could be any variety of things: survival, love, acceptance, a feeling of contribution, a deep sense of connectedness. It's okay to be quiet around other people, because your emptiness is mirrored in them, which is probably beneficial to everyone. If you feel like talking, maybe just be silly and fun. You would be so surprised what magic pops out of the woodworks when you are just confident and kind. Soften your eyes and greet everyone you meet with genuine gratitude for the role they are going to play in your life. Perhaps you could disentangle some of that resistance by interacting more with people at the meditation center, or by just being involved in activities you enjoy. We all need some thing to enjoy life. Giving our monkey mind treats helps it to calm down. When i interact with people who are overbearing, I like to see life from their perspective for a brief moment and actually help feed them thoughts that will help them complete whatever karmic cycle they are in by showing them examples of my own experience. This can be taxing, but really rewarding. Their healing is my healing. We all reflect eachother's emotional states whether we are aware of it or not.

Make your friends jealous! They will slowly follow suite.

Go deeper.?

The lonliness is there, but you can and are perfectly capable of cultivating self fulfillment. But wow, the feeling of FREEDOM, is so delicious. I almost don't want to ever report back home because I like not being influenced by my family. It is even a good way to explore hidden extroverted parts of your being. Go be friendly with people. If an awkward situation arises, what's the problem? you're travelling and can move on both spacially and mentally on your own time. If you are over it, you can always go home. You are always welcome home, no matter how far you go.

@Steph1988 First, let's not watch la Haine. There's too much springtime out to stay inside and watch some movie about a bunch of angsty poor kids kill eachother out of ignorance... I will say that you have helped me question my knee-jerk responses. Yes, I am very rooted in multiculturalism and deal with the awkward miscommunications that happen more dynamically than most, and I like that. I do not like the suburban environment I came from and feel that I didn't have any culture of my own, so I voraciously filled the void with anything that I saw as more beautiful and rich. I was lucky to meet a Puerto Rican recently who had a huge passion for Irish culture, which caused me to rexamine and enjoy some of my European roots which had been severed earlier in the century. I still totally encourage a love afair with other cultures just for fun. It does seem like you are really moderate, and reasonable in your expecations for yourself and your country. Yes I am aware that some Muslims think it's okay to kill because god told them so. Just speaking for myself now, it seems pointless for me to be personally involved in that whole thing when I am more able to influence other varieties of cooks, especially through compassionate awareness. I actually feel pretty powerful in my powerlessness. I don't ever feel like the agressor or the agressed because I lead such a simple life. When my fellow Americans blow the danger out of proportion, to me it seems like it's entertainment and like they are sticking their heads in the sand. I see them repost things about how horrible Mohammed was, but not getting involved in the community or going to the Islamic Center to just say hi. I would rather see both. No judgement though, because we only have time to do so much. Perhaps, at this point, more what I would advocate is to be open to those organic moments of learning that arise naturally as you cross paths with other people in general, and to of course, not hide your differences too much. As for the person who started this post, it kinda makes me giggle and think of the song "everyone's a little bit racist sometimes..."

Ok, I will watch it again too because it's been some years, so I will probably have a different understanding completely. Considering what you just said, I actually just read the autobiography of Russell Means (leader of the notorious American Indian Movement). He suggested that mixing between the tribes really weakend their collective cultures and believe mainstream Amreican Indian culture is now a joke of what it was in the past because of all the dilution. I personally am very multi-cultural, which can sometimes bother people who are very tight with their heritage. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I have chosen to surround myself with a culture that has celebrated multiculturalism for so long, that I feel like I still find depth and support, but I did feel lonely and confused for a very long time before I really found my footing and self-worth. Questioning all my culturally-informed beliefs was probably good, but certainly not pleasant.

The Iching is soooo old. The translation I use has removed all of the yin/yang symbology which was added in the shang dynasty, which is cool because it's less governed by masculine vs feminine and more by beautiful imagery. I did people's readings at an art gathering last week and made some really good tips. People who are artsy seem to allow more whimsical lines of thought into their realities which is so beautiful. I do the reading by just having them throw and line up 6 coins and then I tutn to that page (which is so easy!) This artsy kind of free association allows me to watch the body language of the reciever, and I usually interpret the imagery in a way that I know the person needs to hear it. I don't cast any doubt on my process which is key. I hold their attention deeply and let them know that the universe hears them and that they are beautiful and should have more faith in themselves, however that comes out. I think my favorite reading was an ex alcoholic who had her idea to reconnect with her AA family validated by the reading. I gave her a little Reiki too, and I could tell that something in her began to emerge and hopefully release somewhat.

A quick side note is that yes, I have also seen first hand how those who are disenfranchised may internalize a victim or reactinary mindset that no longer serves them after a conflict has ended. I have had problems with mindset, aslo, so thanks to Leo for putting some perspective on that.

You could watch Little Mosque on the Prairie or La Haine (both works of fiction). I wish I could link you this story that came out in the local magazine this week about how a 26 year old refugee has been adapting to life in the US ever since she immigrated 5 years ago from Afganistan. Definitely a success story. I did watch the video you posted, and learned something from it, specifically historical information that really does broaden my understanding of the back and forth fight between civilizations. I worry about how his overall atitude is influenced by more sinister motivations (conciously or unconciously), because yes our war was very profitable for a few select corporations. I also believe that a growing number of Americans believe that our own government may have had something to do with planning the 911 bombings (take it or leave it). Either way, what unfair trade policies could we have had to provoke such an attack anyways? Of course, how can we know if the war zone refugees are radicalized or not anyways, well honestly I don't know what our policy has been... To bring it back to self development, maybe the reason why I look at it the way I do, and continue to have an interest in immigrant rights is because I have seen first hand how large systems can have a tendency to swallow up or completely disenfranchise normal human beings who have different cultural backgrounds or political status. I would be deeply moved to work in any immigrant/minority community (new or old) to help maintain the flow of resources and cultural exchange. Immigrants add so so much to our economy and rainbow of cultures here. It's why I'm fluent in Spanish, and why I know so much about traditions and histories outside of the one in which I was raised. I get tired of how stagnant my parents worldview can be, so that also has something to do with it.